ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Been with an amazing guy for nearly a year (after being single for 5 years!), talked about the future and moving in together, he's so thoughtful and treats me well. All of a sudden I have this growing feeling that something isn't right but I can't tell you what and I think I want to end it. What's going on here? Should I push through it? I'm sad I feel like this and I don't want to be single again. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, ruby77 said: Been with an amazing guy for nearly a year (after being single for 5 years!), talked about the future and moving in together, he's so thoughtful and treats me well. All of a sudden I have this growing feeling that something isn't right but I can't tell you what and I think I want to end it. What's going on here? Should I push through it? I'm sad I feel like this and I don't want to be single again. Do you feel the future talk and moving in talk is premature or insincere? It seems you feel pressured by this and with good reason. How much do you have in common? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 We lived together through lockdown and everything was fine. Now we are getting back to some sort of normality, we talked about making it permanent. We have stuff in common but sometimes I feel the conversation is strained, it doesn't always flow naturally. Is that such a big deal? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Too much too soon? Do you think you are settling and rushing things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 I you have a history of making false assumptions or not being able to rely on a gut instinct then you should wait and see if things will settle out. As you said you've just come out of isolation. If you are spot on in with your early warning system then perhaps you should step back and reassess. I would base the decision on my track record for divining problems before they are overtly obvious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Too much too soon? Do you think you are settling and rushing things? Maybe it is going too quickly. I don't know about settling though, he is a really good man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 9 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I you have a history of making false assumptions or not being able to rely on a gut instinct then you should wait and see if things will settle out. As you said you've just come out of isolation. If you are spot on in with your early warning system then perhaps you should step back and reassess. I would base the decision on my track record for divining problems before they are overtly obvious. Do you think this is what this is? Gut instinct? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 33 minutes ago, ruby77 said: We lived together through lockdown and everything was fine. Was it? Seems more like the straw that broke the camel's back and a buzz kill. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 21 minutes ago, ruby77 said: Do you think this is what this is? Gut instinct? You are the one who said it was a "feeling" and to me that means gut instinct. You are subconsciously reading nuances like body language, tonal inflection and facial expressions and comparing that to what you know to be right. It could be that both of you need some alone time with a good book to recharge your feelings for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 36 minutes ago, schlumpy said: You are the one who said it was a "feeling" and to me that means gut instinct. You are subconsciously reading nuances like body language, tonal inflection and facial expressions and comparing that to what you know to be right. It could be that both of you need some alone time with a good book to recharge your feelings for one another. I think you may be right. I just can't make sense of why someone who seems amazing on paper and I've had a great few months with, suddenly doesn't feel right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 7 minutes ago, ruby77 said: I just can't make sense of why someone who seems amazing on paper and I've had a great few months with, suddenly doesn't feel right. Maybe the initial honeymoon is over and you're realizing you're not that into him. Someone who is amazing on paper isn't necessarily the right man for you. Sometimes the thrill of a new relationship clouds our vision, and when things start to settle, we see that it wasn't so much the person themselves we were into, but the attention or affection or pleasant company. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 I'm really sad about this. I thought he was it for me ☹️ Link to post Share on other sites
expos4ever Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 3 hours ago, ruby77 said: ....but sometimes I feel the conversation is strained, it doesn't always flow naturally. Is that such a big deal? All I can contribute is my own experience. I was in a 4-year relationship that ended about a year ago. There were huge communication problems between us, mostly due to the fact that she had only learned English recently. But even taking that into account, I found her thinking to be muddled, scattered, and disorganized. But, for me, that did not matter one little bit. She would talk and talk and I would sit there and not understand a single word. And yet I loved listening to her go on and on - all that mattered to me was that she loved me and was there for me (again, this relationship ended, but for completely unrelated reasons to matters of communication). Everyone is different, but in my case at least "good conversation" was not important to me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 1 hour ago, ruby77 said: I'm really sad about this. I thought he was it for me ☹️ What exactly bothers you about him all of a sudden? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 4 hours ago, ruby77 said: he's so thoughtful and treats me well. Is this a nice way of saying that he's needy and a bit smothering? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: What exactly bothers you about him all of a sudden? Just the feeling that our connection isn't quite strong enough. Maybe the physical attraction isn't really strong enough either. I don't really know, I can't put my finger on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 46 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Is this a nice way of saying that he's needy and a bit smothering? No he's not, he's genuinely thoughtful. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 I think the honeymoon phase is over and your feelings towards him are changing.... you're realizing that you are just not that into him anymore. This has definitely happened to me in a few relationships before. There is nothing wrong with you feeling this way, and you need to listen to your feelings. Don't settle for someone who you are just not that into anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rjc149 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 10 minutes ago, ruby77 said: ...I don't want to be single again. Just the feeling that our connection isn't quite strong enough. Maybe the physical attraction isn't really strong enough either. I don't really know, I can't put my finger on it. Were you sexually attracted to him in the first place? Or did you enter a relationship with him to avoid remaining single? The honeymoon phase is more like 3-6 months. A year in, I'd think you would have settled into your rut. You've alluded to things feeling rushed, which makes me surmise that he's needy and over-eager for the relationship, which tends to turn women off. Combined with the possibility that you wanted a relationship more than you really wanted him. If you were quite hot for him at one point, he has maintained himself physically, has not begun to behave unattractively (ie. become needy, insecure, controlling etc), then I can't really think of any other explanation, especially if you can't either. Some women change their minds and feelings about things for no apparent reason. It's just how they feel. Nothing more to it, nothing to be done about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 How old are you and what's your relationship history like? What do you want your life to be like in 5 years, and can you see yourself being happy with this man by your side? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 17, 2020 Author Share Posted August 17, 2020 26 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: How old are you and what's your relationship history like? What do you want your life to be like in 5 years, and can you see yourself being happy with this man by your side? I'm 35, have had long term relationships but not for several years as the last one left me quite jaded. This is the first time I've let someone in for a long time. I want to be happy and settled in 5 years time with a partner to share it with. I could see myself happy with this man if I didn't have these nagging doubts. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Fear sometimes make people sabotage good things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 What was it exactly that left you jaded? How's your sex life? Do you have fun together? Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 36 minutes ago, ruby77 said: I'm 35, have had long term relationships but not for several years as the last one left me quite jaded. This is the first time I've let someone in for a long time. I want to be happy and settled in 5 years time with a partner to share it with. I could see myself happy with this man if I didn't have these nagging doubts. We can't be in your immediate surroundings, and I don't know if you can objectively decide whether COVID environs have had any peripheral impact on how you presently feel. Either... time spent oddly near to one another for extended periods of time withOUT the rest of the world offering (new material, etc.) Time spent unable to get together truly casually as often as would be the pre-Covid norm for random couples. OR, potentially even so much time alone and OVER-THINKING... that you made these conclusions when in the past you'd be so busy trying to catch the train in the morning, trying to schedule appointments... and meetings... and other things... that you'd only have time to soak-in the good vibes from your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 I had the exact same thing happen with an ex. On paper we were a great match, spent time together and it was all good, but at one point I just suddenly had the feeling that she was NOT the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I could not explain it but I just felt it. The feeling would not go away so for her sake I had to end things. I broke her heart badly but I knew it was the right and fair thing to do, for her, so she could meet someone else. Took me about 2 years to actually forgive myself for hurting her like that. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even though it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
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