Fletch Lives Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 Hmmmm........................in the first 18 months of a relationship sometimes people waffle back and forth trying to decide if the person is the one. So what you are feeling, some indecision, is normal. I'm afraid you'll just have to let this play out and see what happens - if you will stay or if you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 These "feelings" are often hard to explain and the underlying reason is sometimes difficult to work out. We're often tempted to think that because we can't work out why we're not feeling the way we should, it's nothing and we try to ignore it. Unfortunately that feeling of "something isn't quite right" will take away your enjoyment of the relationship over time, to the point where you really start to resent him, or your eyes start to wander, etc. And this tends to happen very often in relationships after the honeymoon period ends, which is often after 6-12 months... which is right where you land yourself. I'd try and work out why you're not feeling it. You said he treats you well, but from your posts I'm not getting a lot more detail on what makes him so good "on paper". A guy can treat you really well, be a great provider, great in the bedroom etc, but something about your personalities may not align. Not in the sense that you argue, but in the sense that he doesn't make you "feel" it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beentheredonethat77 Posted August 17, 2020 Share Posted August 17, 2020 The 'Icks' .. it happens...for me its when im not attracted enough so when they do or say something irritating it is harder to overlook and i start to get 'the icks'. When there is a lot of physical/sexual chemistry its amazing how much we can ignore and overlook -- maybe there just isn't enough attraction from your end. Or maybe thats not it and its simply you just need some time out and space to miss him and pine for him a little.. I'd take a break from him and engage with some friends and some reading and see how you feel after a week or so. You may wind up missing him like crazy.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nuntius Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 14 hours ago, ruby77 said: All of a sudden I have this growing feeling that something isn't right but I can't tell you what Never jump to conclusions. Having a feeling that something isn't right isn't the same thing as something not being right. Ask before you assume even when it's yourself that you need to be asking the questions of. Women often jump to conclusions when there is little to no evidence to support the conclusion they arrived at - or the only "supporting" evidence exists solely in the province of their mind. Then, without thinking it through, they present their fallacious conclusion as though they've stumbled upon some truth they were clever to uncover only to look foolish when it ends up being offensively incorrect. You arrive at the truth of a matter not by jumping to conclusions, but by asking questions. Assumptions are never a substitute for facts and are often thoughtless guesses arrived at by looking through the distorted lens of ones own perceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 This is a situation where you have to give it some time to debunk where this feeling is stemming from. Outside of your relationship with him, consider if there is anything that has been bothering you or stressing you out that you have been putting in the back of your mind. Sometimes situations that trigger fear, anxiety, and depression trick us into thinking that we don't like certain things or people as much as we thought. If everything else in your life is fine, it's very possible that you are subconsciously overwhelmed by the future. Even when you know you want to settle down with a partner, it's still natural to worry about how things will work out. Down the line if this feeling that something is off doesn't go away, be upfront with him about your feelings. Living apart may help put things into perspective making you either realize you don't want to live without him or that you conclude as great of a guy he is that he's just not the one for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, ruby77 said: Just the feeling that our connection isn't quite strong enough. Maybe the physical attraction isn't really strong enough either. I don't really know, I can't put my finger on it. I knew were going to say that even before I read it. I've been through this myself a few times. One day the relationship seemed fine, the next day I had the overwhelming feeling that the relationship had to end and the feeling would not go away. When I started getting "the ick" there was nothing I could do to fix it. My attraction would decrease by the minute. It got to a point where I was almost repulsed to be near the guy, which was difficult to reconcile when I valued the guy and the relationship. I'm sure some people can get through these feelings. Perhaps they can offer you some tips to save your relationship? Perhaps some space would help you think it through, I don't know? I only know from my experience that once I got the ick, there was never any chance of going back. For what it is worth, when I look back I don't regret the times I've ended a relationship for this reason. It was the right decision. The attraction never returned and those guys went on to meet wonderful women. When you know, you know. Edited August 18, 2020 by La.Primavera 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Share Posted August 18, 2020 All of these thoughts are all thoughts I'm having myself and I can't work out which one is right! I have taken some time out away from him to try and get my head straight. I guess I'll know one way or the other when I see him again, I'm hoping so anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 People can't say what's going on in your heart. You have to figure it out for yourself. If you're not feeling 'it', it's probably advisable to define what 'it' is. You've been locked up together during covid. What do you think you're supposed to feel? Pure, wedded bliss every day? That's not realistic no matter who you're with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 9 hours ago, ruby77 said: I have taken some time out away from him to try and get my head straight. I guess I'll know one way or the other when I see him again, I'm hoping so anyway. Did these feelings emerge after spending lock down together or since the moving in talks started? Maybe you're not ready for too much too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 19, 2020 Author Share Posted August 19, 2020 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Did these feelings emerge after spending lock down together or since the moving in talks started? Maybe you're not ready for too much too soon. Definitely since the moving in talks started. Lockdown together was great but it's like the reality of the situation is now kicking in. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, ruby77 said: Definitely since the moving in talks started. Lockdown together was great but it's like the reality of the situation is now kicking in. OK, just slow that down. Playing house is not the "next step" people think it is. Many people start to feel the friction when they move in. Basically it's when all the headaches begin and the romance tanks. Why did he bring this up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted August 19, 2020 Author Share Posted August 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: OK, just slow that down. Playing house is not the "next step" people think it is. Many people start to feel the friction when they move in. Basically it's when all the headaches begin and the romance tanks. Why did he bring this up? We discussed together as I am currently in the process of changing my living arrangements so we talked about whether I should still do that. We also live quite far apart so living together seems the sensible thing to do. It's either my gut telling me he's not the one for me or I'm possibly freaking out as I have some commitment issues / scared of getting hurt. I need to think carefully about which one it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 So I have been back staying with my boyfriend for over a week now. I have been honest with him and said I was having doubts, I even tried to break up with him but I couldn't leave, the thought of it made me cry so much. Yet I am still in a constant state of anxiety. I do love him, he is a good man, he is patient and understanding with me, he is thoughtful and will do anything for me but something is not right and I can't shake this feeling. I can't leave him but I'm also struggling to stay. What is going on here? I'm not sleeping or eating properly and this can't go on. Whichever way this goes, it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 I'm sorry this is still going on for you. You never answered the Q about how accurate your gut is. If you are someone who's feelings are usually spot on, then something is off in the relationship. However if your gut is usually wrong you will have to rely more on facts. One of things you mentioned that bothered you is that conversation sometimes felt strained. To me that is a bit about Covid. With all the monotony lockdown caused, there isn't much new going on so there are fewer current event type things to talk about. That may be part of it. With my introverted husband, me the chatty Cathy, had to learn that silence is a good thing. It's OK to just sit there & be. Perhaps start making lists: pros & cons of going & staying. See if that gets you any clarity. Seriously ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you go or if you stay Try the old Ann Landers' question: would you be better off with him or without him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Your ambivalence is not a good sign. You claim your feelings changed with the moving in talk. Are you attracted to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm sorry this is still going on for you. You never answered the Q about how accurate your gut is. If you are someone who's feelings are usually spot on, then something is off in the relationship. However if your gut is usually wrong you will have to rely more on facts. One of things you mentioned that bothered you is that conversation sometimes felt strained. To me that is a bit about Covid. With all the monotony lockdown caused, there isn't much new going on so there are fewer current event type things to talk about. That may be part of it. With my introverted husband, me the chatty Cathy, had to learn that silence is a good thing. It's OK to just sit there & be. Perhaps start making lists: pros & cons of going & staying. See if that gets you any clarity. Seriously ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you go or if you stay Try the old Ann Landers' question: would you be better off with him or without him? My gut is usually right, yes. But I don't want to listen to it on this occasion, I want it to be wrong! Conversation has been better but we are mainly talking about my issues at the moment and the future of the relationship. We went out at the weekend with some friends and that has given us more to talk about so there may be something in your comment about the Covid situation. I am an introvert so I don't find it as easy but we have had some evenings this week where we have just chatted over a drink, no telly all evening. I feel like I would be better off with him, I cannot justify throwing away such an amazing man but these doubts are just taking over. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt myself! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. Your ambivalence is not a good sign. You claim your feelings changed with the moving in talk. Are you attracted to him? Sometimes I am attracted to him, other times I am not. There is some attraction there but I just don't know if it is strong enough. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 What if he made the first move Ruby? What if he said he wanted out first. Would that make it easier for you? On some level is this about who takes the blame for the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, schlumpy said: What if he made the first move Ruby? What if he said he wanted out first. Would that make it easier for you? On some level is this about who takes the blame for the breakup? I guess that would make it easier as it wouldn't be me possibly making the wrong decision and there would be less guilt but I think I would still be devastated. He is so into me, I know it would break him so maybe there is an element of that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 52 minutes ago, ruby77 said: He is so into me, I know it would break him so maybe there is an element of that. I think this is it. You're staying but less because you genuinely want to be there, and more so because you feel guilty for hurting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby77 Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think this is it. You're staying but less because you genuinely want to be there, and more so because you feel guilty for hurting him. 😭 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 Ok Ruby. Somehow you are going to have to gather the courage to tell him. There is no way I would want to be in relationship with someone that feels like you do and I don't believe he will either once the shock wears off. BTW, after you tell him, give him copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert E. Glover as a going away peace offering. That will help him in his next relationship and ease your conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 You're not doing him any favors by staying with him. Let him go so he can find somebody more deserving. Link to post Share on other sites
UrbanCamo Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 On 9/2/2020 at 6:58 AM, ruby77 said: Sometimes I am attracted to him, other times I am not. There is some attraction there but I just don't know if it is strong enough. What do you mean by "attracted"? Like physically? Or emotionally? What do you mean you're only attracted to him sometimes? Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 How old are you? Some young people are not ready to fall in love. That said, it's normal for people to have doubts in the first 18 months of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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