My Depressed Girlfriend Broke up With Me Due to Needing Space, but Gets Mad When I do

[Top10point5]

My depressed girlfriend asked for a "break" due to needing space, but gets mad when I give it to her and she still wants to go on dates with me.

Before we started dating she warned me about going through depressing stages, pushing people away, and being insecure. We've been together for 2 years, when she feels overwhelmed or too stressed, she goes into depression. It's happened before, but this time was the worst and she told me she wants to start over as friends, take things slow, doesn't want to bring me down, but still wants to go on dates with me. I feel in my heart I would regret it if I walk away. She says she sees a future with me but wants us to pause our relationship.

She is very stressed right now due to school, work, and her family issues.

She started initiating contact the next day after asking for a break and got angry for not hearing from me.

She wants space, but expects to hear from me everyday and still wants to go on dates. She also cooked for me a couple days later without me asking.

During our first date since she asked for the break, although we had a good time, she was a bit distant and more quiet than usual. She called me "babes" twice and wants to go on another date.

To continue to remain supportive, but at the same time give her some space, I still text her, but less than usual. Sometimes she responsive and very quick to text back, other times she's a bit distant and I feel like I have to carry the conversation.

[schlumpy]

Can't you find someone better? I'm serious. Why are you letting her dictate the rules of the relationship? You don't seem happy about it and isn't that a relationship is supposed to achieve? 

Quit playing it her way and do it your way.

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, Top10point5 said:

..asked for a "break" due to needing space, but gets mad when I give it to her and she still wants to go on dates with me.

And are you happy with this "Break"?

The problem with a break is, she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, no matter how disrespectful or upsetting it might be to you..because there are no boundaries.  No rules.   The party who accepts this bad deal is usually the person who really wants to get back together again.  Coming from that angle, they are put into a position where to achieve that objective, they have no choice but to be supportive, of everything, 

She could vanish for a month without an explanation or she could start talking to other guys again and you are not justified to get upset or angry for either..because there's no rules.  No boundaries.   

It's a one-sided deal that only benefits the recipient and allows that person to keep the other around  (Just incase they change their mind and want the relationship again) while they go out and be free.  While that might be great for them, you have to put your life on hold and go at their pace and follow their lead, not knowing if or when you two will ever get back together.  That generates a tremendous amount of anxiety and emotional stress which can ultimately begin to have adverse affect on other parts of your life.

Times like this, I ask, how would she feel if the roles were reversed and you were asking for a break and treating her like this?

I have known and been involved with too many people like this in my past, and it cost me most of my 20's.  Although, I deal with my own mental-health issues and am sympathetic to her depression..what about you?  Do you just exist to be there for her and what she wants?  What about your needs?  Are they being met?  And are you happy?    If she is unfit to be in a relationship, she shouldn't be in one then.  She should be taking care of herself and learning to manage these things on her own.  Learn to see and appreciate what already exists in her life, so that she can then appreciate what comes.   Learn how to cope and counter her depression.  Another person is not going to fix her. 

For you, keep in mind that your well-being is also important..if not priority, because without it, you cannot take care of another person.  Make sure, she is not damaging yours.  If you lose it, you won't be good for her or for anyone else that you love and who cares for you (Including family/friends), because you two, will be miserable.

Unfortunately, I know how you feel when you say this:

Quote

I feel in my heart I would regret it if I walk away. 

You're going to have be in this arrangement longer, to get to a place mentally, where you become more sure of what you need to do.

- Beach

Edited August 18, 2020 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

First of all you need to explain to your GF that there is no such thing as a break from dating.  You are either together or you are broken up.  If she feels unwell or out of control, you need to give her time to heal but think of it more like she has the flu & needs rest.  That should not be considered "on a break".  It can be space. 

But if she asks for space it's incumbent on her to reach out to you when she is feeling better & more able to deal with the world. 

Alas your GF is immature.  She doesn't know her own mind.  She has few coping skills & she wants you to chase her.  You chasing her no matter how many times she pushes you away gives her validation while making you into a doormat.   

[Top10point5]

55 minutes ago, Beachead said:

And are you happy with this "Break"?

The problem with a break is, she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, no matter how disrespectful or upsetting it might be to you..because there are no boundaries.  No rules.   The party who accepts this bad deal is usually the person who really wants to get back together again.  Coming from that angle, they are put into a position where to achieve that objective, they have no choice but to be supportive, of everything, 

She could vanish for a month without an explanation or she could start talking to other guys again and you are not justified to get upset or angry for either..because there's no rules.  No boundaries.   

It's a one-sided deal that only benefits the recipient and allows that person to keep the other around  (Just incase they change their mind and want the relationship again) while they go out and be free.  While that might be great for them, you have to put your life on hold and go at their pace and follow their lead, not knowing if or when you two will ever get back together.  That generates a tremendous amount of anxiety and emotional stress which can ultimately begin to have adverse affect on other parts of your life.

Times like this, I ask, how would she feel if the roles were reversed and you were asking for a break and treating her like this?

I have known and been involved with too many people like this in my past, and it cost me most of my 20's.  Although, I deal with my own mental-health issues and am sympathetic to her depression..what about you?  Do you just exist to be there for her and what she wants?  What about your needs?  Are they being met?  And are you happy?    If she is unfit to be in a relationship, she shouldn't be in one then.  She should be taking care of herself and learning to manage these things on her own.  Learn to see and appreciate what already exists in her life, so that she can then appreciate what comes.   Learn how to cope and counter her depression.  Another person is not going to fix her. 

For you, keep in mind that your well-being is also important..if not priority, because without it, you cannot take care of another person.  Make sure, she is not damaging yours.  If you lose it, you won't be good for her or for anyone else that you love and who cares for you (Including family/friends), because you two, will be miserable.

Unfortunately, I know how you feel when you say this:

You're going to have be in this arrangement longer, to get to a place mentally, where you become more sure of what you need to do.

- Beach

Beautiful response and I appreciate your advice. It's only been 2 weeks since she's asked for the break. What confuses me is the next sentence after asking for a break, she says we should go on a date, then cooking for me without asking, calling me babes twice on our first date, and agreeing to another date with me. 

I can see it in her eyes and feel her energy that she isn't happy right now, so I feel like not at least seeing where this would lead would make me live with the "what If" question?

It's my first love. I guess that's why they say love will make you do crazy things.

[Top10point5]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

First of all you need to explain to your GF that there is no such thing as a break from dating.  You are either together or you are broken up.  If she feels unwell or out of control, you need to give her time to heal but think of it more like she has the flu & needs rest.  That should not be considered "on a break".  It can be space. 

But if she asks for space it's incumbent on her to reach out to you when she is feeling better & more able to deal with the world. 

Alas your GF is immature.  She doesn't know her own mind.  She has few coping skills & she wants you to chase her.  You chasing her no matter how many times she pushes you away gives her validation while making you into a doormat.   

Thanks. Im curious, what make you feel she wants me to chase her? Do you have any similar experience?

could this all be a test to see if I truly love her? She's a bit insecure and has history of low-self esteem.

[FudgeSwirl]

She may need extra help with her depression as her behavior is not healthy for herself or relationships with other people.

Many people have successful relationships with a depressed partner.  Pushing someone away is absolutely normal when it comes to depression but she can't be requesting that you both go on break only for her to make up the rules as she goes along.  

Decide first if you want to continue dating her.  If you do, you must tell her that if you're going to be together that there is no such thing as a break from a relationship and that you would rather be there for her when she gets depressed.  When she is in a good frame of mind, you can ask her what you can do to help her when she's depressed.  Some people who suffer from depression benefit from having someone there for them when they cry while others prefer to be alone for a while.  If she agrees to this, great, but don't put up with any of her nonsense and if she relents a couple of months from now wanting a break just walk away.

If you realize you don't want to be with her for how she has put you through an emotional ringer, you don't have to feel guilty about it at all.  

[Top10point5]

51 minutes ago, FudgeSwirl said:

She may need extra help with her depression as her behavior is not healthy for herself or relationships with other people.

Many people have successful relationships with a depressed partner.  Pushing someone away is absolutely normal when it comes to depression but she can't be requesting that you both go on break only for her to make up the rules as she goes along.  

Decide first if you want to continue dating her.  If you do, you must tell her that if you're going to be together that there is no such thing as a break from a relationship and that you would rather be there for her when she gets depressed.  When she is in a good frame of mind, you can ask her what you can do to help her when she's depressed.  Some people who suffer from depression benefit from having someone there for them when they cry while others prefer to be alone for a while.  If she agrees to this, great, but don't put up with any of her nonsense and if she relents a couple of months from now wanting a break just walk away.

If you realize you don't want to be with her for how she has put you through an emotional ringer, you don't have to feel guilty about it at all.  

Thanks. If we do end up at a place where we can get back into a relationship, I do plan on brining it up to her that it's all or nothing. i felt like she jumped to conclusion, I'm ok with giving her space, im okay giving her alone time, I just don't want to go down the "break" route, but she didn't give me a choice, she just made the decision on her own it was best for us to take a break, instead of letting me to choose to be by her side during the depression. she was full of emotion when she said it, crying, anxious, couldn't complete her sentence, but in the next one she also said she wants to go on dates with me. 

Mind you the day she told me that, she was also on her PMS and when her life is stressful she gets very emotional and irrational during that time. She's not always like that though.

We're both young and she's 22 and still learning life, so that's another reason why I'm not so harsh on her.

Edited August 18, 2020 by Top10point5

[lee179108]

8 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

My depressed girlfriend asked for a "break" due to needing space, but gets mad when I give it to her and she still wants to go on dates with me.

Before we started dating she warned me about going through depressing stages, pushing people away, and being insecure. We've been together for 2 years, when she feels overwhelmed or too stressed, she goes into depression. It's happened before, but this time was the worst and she told me she wants to start over as friends, take things slow, doesn't want to bring me down, but still wants to go on dates with me. I feel in my heart I would regret it if I walk away. She says she sees a future with me but wants us to pause our relationship.

She is very stressed right now due to school, work, and her family issues.

She started initiating contact the next day after asking for a break and got angry for not hearing from me.

She wants space, but expects to hear from me everyday and still wants to go on dates. She also cooked for me a couple days later without me asking.

During our first date since she asked for the break, although we had a good time, she was a bit distant and more quiet than usual. She called me "babes" twice and wants to go on another date.

To continue to remain supportive, but at the same time give her some space, I still text her, but less than usual. Sometimes she responsive and very quick to text back, other times she's a bit distant and I feel like I have to carry the conversation.

I saw your comment on my thread, its a bit different to my situation as she still wants to go on dates with you.. weather or not mine does I dont know but im leaving her alone right now and only respond when she contacts me. When i do respond i do so in a short supportive way, im not going to abandon her because after her doctors appointments she may get better and have a clear head. She updates me on whats going on but hasnt said anything about her doctors appointment yet, even though she said she would but im guessing she just didnt want to talk about it as it was my birthday, or she just got told things she didnt wanna hear and just not ready to talk about it.  She told me I need to be patient and when she gets through it we can talk properly... i dont know if that will happen but thats what i got to trust. Ive read a lot about mental health and you need to be patient and listen... be understanding and show support so thats the only thing i can think of doing. Im not going to try be needy and smother her in affection... so thats what i suggest you do. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Have you asked yourself if you want all the drama? Sounds like she has fun leading you around by the nose and playing Simon Says games 

[Top10point5]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I saw your comment on my thread, its a bit different to my situation as she still wants to go on dates with you.. weather or not mine does I dont know but im leaving her alone right now and only respond when she contacts me. When i do respond i do so in a short supportive way, im not going to abandon her because after her doctors appointments she may get better and have a clear head. She updates me on whats going on but hasnt said anything about her doctors appointment yet, even though she said she would but im guessing she just didnt want to talk about it as it was my birthday, or she just got told things she didnt wanna hear and just not ready to talk about it.  She told me I need to be patient and when she gets through it we can talk properly... i dont know if that will happen but thats what i got to trust. Ive read a lot about mental health and you need to be patient and listen... be understanding and show support so thats the only thing i can think of doing. Im not going to try be needy and smother her in affection... so thats what i suggest you do. 

Thanks for commenting. Yeah that's what im trying to do, to find the balance between being supportive, but not overbearing. Sometimes she's very responsive other times she's hot and cold.  When she's cold towards me and I pull back, I notice she post subliminals on social media about being unhappy.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think it's her mood/mental health issues or someone else in the picture?

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

Thanks. Im curious, what make you feel she wants me to chase her? Do you have any similar experience?

could this all be a test to see if I truly love her? She's a bit insecure and has history of low-self esteem.

I don't have a similar experience because I never tested men.  I have seen many young girls do this to the boys who love them.  She is absolutely  testing you.  She is trying to figure out how to cope with life & gets validation for herself when you push at her boundaries.   Hopefully some day she will grow out of this but that day might not be soon. 

The balance between supportive & overbearing is understanding that just because we have the ability to be in touch 24 / 7/ 365 does not mean we have the obligation to do that or that it's a good idea.   Call her 1-2 x per week.  Go on 1 date per week.  Text maybe 3 x per week but only if you have something to say unless you know for a fact that she likes those inane good morning & goodnight texts.  Every once in a while -- no more then every 2 months -- do something extra sweet for her like send her a real card that comes through the mail, a sweet letter, a framed picture of the two of you or flowers.    

Edited August 18, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Top10point5]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think it's her mood/mental health issues or someone else in the picture?

For right now, there's no way of me truly knowing if it' someone else in the picture, but she's definitely going through a depression/unhappy phase.

I can see it in her eyes and her energy is unhappy. She's admitted to it too. Also, she's had depression phases a couple times our relationship, but never this bad, but she's acted similar ways of being distant and unhappy. Usually I'm able to at least try to put a smile on her face before it gets worst, but this time it was hard and never before has she asked for a "break". Her workload increased at work and school, plus her family was having issues, which stressed her out.

[Wiseman2]

Try to give her space. Don't try to cheer her up. It sounds like she needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship.

[Top10point5]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to give her space. Don't try to cheer her up. It sounds like she needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship.

For me that's the tricky part, in her mental state she sees me giving her space as me not caring. When she first asked for the break, I went no contact and the next day I got an angry text about not caring, making her feel alone, and not wanting to be her friend. 

Sometimes she's responsive, other times she's not, but when she's not it's hard trying to show that I still care, but without being too pushy or annoying. It's like she goes out of her way to push me away.

Edited August 18, 2020 by Top10point5

[d0nnivain]

45 minutes ago, Top10point5 said:

. It's like she goes out of her way to push me away.

She does.  She wants you to read her mind so she can justify punishing you when you can't do the impossible.  Yet she wants you to chase because she gets validation from keeping you on a string. 

You will always be in the wrong until you decide to stop playing this game.  

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

Thanks for commenting. Yeah that's what im trying to do, to find the balance between being supportive, but not overbearing. Sometimes she's very responsive other times she's hot and cold.  When she's cold towards me and I pull back, I notice she post subliminals on social media about being unhappy.

Yeah its tough, because mine today small talked me for a bit and then that was that... its tough to know due to their mental state. One way it can be seen as them showing a us in a way that they are still there, but the other thing could be that they are just talking to us as they have no idea whats going on in their head. Sooner or later we will need clarification, my plan was to give it a month and see where im at with her... I dont like to ask about her mental health and doctors appointments so I never mention it and leave her to tell me about it. So far she hasnt said anything on that so im guessing she dont wanna talk about it.   But yeah at the moment im just being short, listening and not questioning what we are or how the mental health appointments are going...  theres nothing else we can do. 

[Watercolors]

Does she have bipolar depression or borderline personality disorder? Her behavior -- the push/pull act -- is very manipulative. 

You two haven't even been together an entire month. Why are you investing so much emotional energy towards this young woman who seems to be clearly manipulating you with her push/pull, hot/cold games. You can find a healthier woman to date. 

[amerikajin]

14 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

My depressed girlfriend asked for a "break" due to needing space, but gets mad when I give it to her and she still wants to go on dates with me.

Before we started dating she warned me about going through depressing stages, pushing people away, and being insecure. We've been together for 2 years, when she feels overwhelmed or too stressed, she goes into depression. It's happened before, but this time was the worst and she told me she wants to start over as friends, take things slow, doesn't want to bring me down, but still wants to go on dates with me. I feel in my heart I would regret it if I walk away. She says she sees a future with me but wants us to pause our relationship.

She is very stressed right now due to school, work, and her family issues.

She started initiating contact the next day after asking for a break and got angry for not hearing from me.

She wants space, but expects to hear from me everyday and still wants to go on dates. She also cooked for me a couple days later without me asking.

During our first date since she asked for the break, although we had a good time, she was a bit distant and more quiet than usual. She called me "babes" twice and wants to go on another date.

To continue to remain supportive, but at the same time give her some space, I still text her, but less than usual. Sometimes she responsive and very quick to text back, other times she's a bit distant and I feel like I have to carry the conversation.

Is she getting help? She can't help being depressed, but she might be able to get treated by a therapist or psychologist. Depression is not necessarily under her control, but getting treatment probably is, unless she is suffering from something severe like schizophrenia.

If it  were me and if I really valued the relationship, I would really encourage her to seek treatment. If she could do that, then the relationship (assuming it's one that has a real future) could survive. But if she's not willing to get treated and just wants to be a perpetual victim, I don't know how you deal with that - you'll always be in and out of this situation.

Of course, before you go there, you really need to think about whether it's a relationship with a future. Why do you stand by her? Do you really care about her and value this relationship? Are you just afraid to be alone?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Top10point5 said:

For me that's the tricky part, in her mental state she sees me giving her space as me not caring. When she first asked for the break, I went no contact and the next day I got an angry text about not caring, making her feel alone, and not wanting to be her friend. 

Tough cookies for her. She can't have it both ways. 

She may indeed be depressed,and that's a tough ride. But an important life lesson for her is that she can't conduct herself this way and not expect people to start drawing some firmer boundaries with her. Let her be angry. It's her job to process that and reflect on it. I know you don't want her to be mad at you but you need to be careful not to lead with fear here. You don't have to get defensive or accusatory. You can tell her you respect her need for space and you care about her, but you also need your own space to process this. You might just be surprised at the conclusions she comes to all on her own - if she stops to really ask herself why you're keeping from getting too close. Chasing after her will only enable this unhealthy dynamic, and get you no closer to reconciliation. 

If she continues to just lash out, well, you don't have much to work with anyway. It's not fair to expect you to be a boyfriend when she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. Struggling with depression doesn't mean she can do whatever she wants and expect people to fall in line. Life doesn't work that, regardless of one's mental health status; you need to think about your own well-being too. At the same time, she is very young and immaturity is a factor here as well. It might be a while before she learns healthier and most constructive ways to relate to people. 

[notbroken]

Give her a break.  A permanent one.  This will be an endless cycle with her in the future.  A very painful one.  Run.  Seriously.  Run.  

[Top10point5]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Does she have bipolar depression or borderline personality disorder? Her behavior -- the push/pull act -- is very manipulative. 

You two haven't even been together an entire month. Why are you investing so much emotional energy towards this young woman who seems to be clearly manipulating you with her push/pull, hot/cold games. You can find a healthier woman to date. 

Thanks. We've been together for 2 years, it's been 2 weeks since she's asked for the "break". right now, tbh it's not even the relationship that's important, but just to help her get back that internal happiness. I've started researching more about depression and read how it can make you do irrational/strange behaviors.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Top10point5 said:

 I've started researching more about depression and read how it can make you do irrational/strange behaviors.  

She needs to ask her parents to take her to a doctor for an evaluation and follow up therapy. Stop playing Dr Google. The bottom line is she's behaving in an unstable manner, and may again in the future. Just hop off this roller coaster.🎢

[schlumpy]

White Knight Syndrome