My Depressed Girlfriend Broke up With Me Due to Needing Space, but Gets Mad When I do

[d0nnivain]

43 minutes ago, Top10point5 said:

, tbh it's not even the relationship that's important, but just to help her get back that internal happiness. I've started researching more about depression and read how it can make you do irrational/strange behaviors.  

Not your job.  You are well intentioned but if she had cancer do you think you could internet research her way back to health?  Of course not but you can't do it for depression either.  

It's sweet that you want to help but help yourself 1st

[FudgeSwirl]

12 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

Thanks. If we do end up at a place where we can get back into a relationship, I do plan on brining it up to her that it's all or nothing. i felt like she jumped to conclusion, I'm ok with giving her space, im okay giving her alone time, I just don't want to go down the "break" route, but she didn't give me a choice, she just made the decision on her own it was best for us to take a break, instead of letting me to choose to be by her side during the depression. she was full of emotion when she said it, crying, anxious, couldn't complete her sentence, but in the next one she also said she wants to go on dates with me. 

Mind you the day she told me that, she was also on her PMS and when her life is stressful she gets very emotional and irrational during that time. She's not always like that though.

We're both young and she's 22 and still learning life, so that's another reason why I'm not so harsh on her.

You're welcome.  I really do hope things work out and completely agree with your feelings on these "breaks."  You're being a very good boyfriend to be supportive and understanding of her through a difficult time.

While as a woman I understand how PMS can be, especially being extra emotional, if her PMS is really that severe going as far as making her feel even more depressed an anxious she needs to a doctor.  It can be a sign of an underlying condition regarding her reproductive system such as a hormone disorder.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Top10point5 said:

Thanks. We've been together for 2 years, it's been 2 weeks since she's asked for the "break". right now, tbh it's not even the relationship that's important, but just to help her get back that internal happiness. I've started researching more about depression and read how it can make you do irrational/strange behaviors.  

Like the others have suggested, stop enabling her behavior by placating her all the time. She is manipulating you -- regardless of the time you've been together. After 2 years, if she hasn't seen a therapist and been diagnosed then now is the time for her to get a diagnosis and get on the right medications to help her. I know you are loyal to her, but there is a fine line between loyalty and codependency and enabling. 

From what you write, her behavior sounds along the lines of borderline disorder. But Dr. Google can't properly diagnose your girlfriend (and neither should you). Be direct and tell her that you think she needs to get diagnosed so that the type of depression she has can be properly treated. Not doing that, is enabling her behavior to continue without any consequences (i.e. you imposing and following through on limits with her). Good luck. 

[ShyViolet]

There's no such thing as a "break".  Either you actually BREAK UP or you are in a relationship.  Her calling it a "break" but then constantly changing the rules and expectations is a bit manipulative.  I wonder if in her eyes, the "break" means she can see other people.  She sounds not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship.  I think you need to be clear with her that this "break" is actually breaking up.  Taking some time apart.... REALLY apart.  Maybe once she gets her life together, you can try again.

[lee179108]

So what are you doing if she reaches out with small talk? do you just respond short???  how long are you going to carry this on before asking if she's ready to talk more about her issues with you?

[Top10point5]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

So what are you doing if she reaches out with small talk? do you just respond short???  how long are you going to carry this on before asking if she's ready to talk more about her issues with you?

I respond short. In my case, since she said she's open to hanging out in person, I try to find a way to get her to hang out(we've only hanged out once, so far). I try not to text/call too much, so that I'm not overwhelming and give her space

I don't think the no contact rule is good especially when in the case of someone dealing with depression because although they might push you away, it can also make them feel like you don't truly care, so that's why I try to limit contact, by still reaching out, so she know i'm there, but I text her way less then before and try to not blow up her phone. 

For me it's only been 2.5 weeks, so im taking things slow like she asked without being too pushy to bring up the issues. I don't have a particular timeline, but mentally I think like around another 1.5 months to see where were at, before seeing if I need to move on or if things have gotten better.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Top10point5

[Top10point5]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

So what are you doing if she reaches out with small talk? do you just respond short???  how long are you going to carry this on before asking if she's ready to talk more about her issues with you?

Also to add, I know there's a risk that the outcome that I want may never happen. As crazy as it sounds, despite how hard it may currently be, I felt it was best to at least try and see where things lead. 

I'm not going to try forever, but at least take a shot for now.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Top10point5 said:

I don't think the no contact rule is good especially when in the case of someone dealing with depression because although they might push you away, it can also make them feel like you don't truly care,

You miss understand NC.  It's not the silent treatment to manipulate somebody into missing you.  That is game playing & never works.  

NC is about your own healing after a break up.  

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

Also to add, I know there's a risk that the outcome that I want may never happen. As crazy as it sounds, despite how hard it may currently be, I felt it was best to at least try and see where things lead. 

I'm not going to try forever, but at least take a shot for now.

I feel your pain buddy, for me its been a week... we havent met or talked on the phone or anything like that yet..  she texts me sometimes but not much and i leave her alone until she messages me, like you I reply short so I dont overwhelm her. In my case its strange as she said she would update me on her doctors appointment this past Monday but hasnt, she small talked me with a couple texts yesterday so im guessing she doesnt want to talk about it. I havent heard anything from her today. My plan was to stay quiet but steady, send her a birthday card in a few weeks and then ask at the end of September to see if shes ready to talk to me about them so I can understand more and give more support. She needs that structure/busy schedule in her life and she will start back in work in September and will have had appointments by then. So far I dont get much from her, a text every few days or so.. but not much at all.  I guess I will have to see how this plays out...

[NC-Thomas]

Breaks do not exist. Stand up for yourself. Either you are in a relationship or not. 

Giving her time to "make up her mind" is a bad move, because it puts you in a position where you are no longer her PRIORITY but merely an OPTION.

I know your head is in limboland right now and you don't want to lose her, but do yourself a favor and do whats best for YOU.

[Top10point5]

8 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I feel your pain buddy, for me its been a week... we havent met or talked on the phone or anything like that yet..  she texts me sometimes but not much and i leave her alone until she messages me, like you I reply short so I dont overwhelm her. In my case its strange as she said she would update me on her doctors appointment this past Monday but hasnt, she small talked me with a couple texts yesterday so im guessing she doesnt want to talk about it. I havent heard anything from her today. My plan was to stay quiet but steady, send her a birthday card in a few weeks and then ask at the end of September to see if shes ready to talk to me about them so I can understand more and give more support. She needs that structure/busy schedule in her life and she will start back in work in September and will have had appointments by then. So far I dont get much from her, a text every few days or so.. but not much at all.  I guess I will have to see how this plays out...

Thanks, same here, just waiting to see how it plays out.

It all happened like night and day, one minute we're on vacation having a wonderful time, same week we came back, I started slowly seeing changes in her behavior. Her stressors started increasing, she had a family emergency, school gave her more work, and her job started giving her more work too. Slowly, I started feeling the distance increasing between us and could tell she wasn't happy. It's happened before, but never this bad, but this was the first time she asked for a "break."

She claims when she doesn't hear from me it makes her feel alone and like I don't care, but when I do reach out sometimes she responsive, but other times I can tell she purposely ignores me, but I try to be too pushy either. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

She claims when she doesn't hear from me it makes her feel alone and like I don't care, but when I do reach out sometimes she responsive, but other times I can tell she purposely ignores me, but I try to be too pushy either. 

Again, this is on her to manage and learn from. 

It is unrealistic to expect you to be her constant companion when she has broken her commitment to the relationship. It's not all about what she wants and needs, depressed and stressed or not. Much as you don't want her to be angry at you, you need to not enable her behaviour either. This is her immaturity showing. She needs the help of a qualified professional to guide her through this, not the ex-boyfriend she's just kicked to the curb. 

One other point to keep in mind is that she's also showing you what happens when life gets stressful for her. She isn't able to cope without isolating herself (while still demanding your attention) Life will continuously hand you lemons; she's young, so hasn't really seen what it's like to be an adult and totally responsible for managing those tough times. Her response is to turn away from you, rather than towards you to lean on. As I said before, she is young and still learning how to do life. Her coping skills aren't that mature yet, which isn't unusual for someone her age, but I would reflect on what means for her ability to be a true, present, and reliable partner for you. 

[Wiseman2]

Unless she's paying you $250./hr, don't be her on call psychiatrist.

Relationships are a two-way street. That's not what she is offering.

Stop communicating with her, despite the manipulative guilt trips she's laying on you.

She wants space? A break? Then give her that. 

[Beachead]

@Top10point5

Quote

She claims when she doesn't hear from me it makes her feel alone and like I don't care, but when I do reach out sometimes she responsive, but other times I can tell she purposely ignores me, but I try to be too pushy either. 

Here's the thing,  her depression isn't going to end on your deadline.  This is a lifelong journey for her.  This doesn't end just because you get fed up.  You've got some decisions to make.

You must acknowledge a very important side of who she is and how it affects you which is , when she's stressed, she will isolate from you, and it hurts you.  You feel unloved and in the dark. 

That's the truth, is it not?   Does she know this?

The best thing you can do for yourself, for her and for your relationship right now is to take some time and get real with yourself:

1. Embrace who she is in the wake of stress.  Being a fantastic person when everything is going well, doesn't tell you much about a person's character.  Character lies more in the difficult times, when life isn't easy or convenient, when they're not getting their way.  

2.  Ask yourself, what it is you want from a partner and what you want for your life and your future?  And does this picture you see go together with your present circumstances with her?  Are you willing to make the necessary compromises and sacrifices to succeed on this journey?  Like I said, her depression will be a lifelong struggle.  (But this is true for anything.  Some of deal with other kinds of illnesses.  Physical Disability.  Even just general insecurity and fear about our life and what we want)

She has poor coping skills and I believe she naturally pushes people away without realizing she's doing it, which is why you should check her on her behaviour.  Let her know, it hurts, and  its not cool.  She will decide, and you will know, if she can emotionally handle the responsibility of your feelings or not afterwards.  But you absolutely cannot suppress how you feel, out of guilt or fear that it might ruin the relationship.  This will generate resentment and the last thing you want to do is dump it all on her when you're just about to walk out the door, like a weapon to guilt her.  You want to express yourself mindfully, with compassion and patience.

- Beach

[lee179108]

8 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Top10point5

Here's the thing,  her depression isn't going to end on your deadline.  This is a lifelong journey for her.  This doesn't end just because you get fed up.  You've got some decisions to make.

You must acknowledge a very important side of who she is and how it affects you which is , when she's stressed, she will isolate from you, and it hurts you.  You feel unloved and in the dark. 

That's the truth, is it not?   Does she know this?

The best thing you can do for yourself, for her and for your relationship right now is to take some time and get real with yourself:

1. Embrace who she is in the wake of stress.  Being a fantastic person when everything is going well, doesn't tell you much about a person's character.  Character lies more in the difficult times, when life isn't easy or convenient, when they're not getting their way.  

2.  Ask yourself, what it is you want from a partner and what you want for your life and your future?  And does this picture you see go together with your present circumstances with her?  Are you willing to make the necessary compromises and sacrifices to succeed on this journey?  Like I said, her depression will be a lifelong struggle.  (But this is true for anything.  Some of deal with other kinds of illnesses.  Physical Disability.  Even just general insecurity and fear about our life and what we want)

She has poor coping skills and I believe she naturally pushes people away without realizing she's doing it, which is why you should check her on her behaviour.  Let her know, it hurts, and  its not cool.  She will decide, and you will know, if she can emotionally handle the responsibility of your feelings or not afterwards.  But you absolutely cannot suppress how you feel, out of guilt or fear that it might ruin the relationship.  This will generate resentment and the last thing you want to do is dump it all on her when you're just about to walk out the door, like a weapon to guilt her.  You want to express yourself mindfully, with compassion and patience.

- Beach

Beach - Is there any way I can message you? or vice versa... would really like to speak with you privately on something...  dont care what platform we use..

[Top10point5]

9 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Top10point5

Here's the thing,  her depression isn't going to end on your deadline.  This is a lifelong journey for her.  This doesn't end just because you get fed up.  You've got some decisions to make.

You must acknowledge a very important side of who she is and how it affects you which is , when she's stressed, she will isolate from you, and it hurts you.  You feel unloved and in the dark. 

That's the truth, is it not?   Does she know this?

The best thing you can do for yourself, for her and for your relationship right now is to take some time and get real with yourself:

1. Embrace who she is in the wake of stress.  Being a fantastic person when everything is going well, doesn't tell you much about a person's character.  Character lies more in the difficult times, when life isn't easy or convenient, when they're not getting their way.  

2.  Ask yourself, what it is you want from a partner and what you want for your life and your future?  And does this picture you see go together with your present circumstances with her?  Are you willing to make the necessary compromises and sacrifices to succeed on this journey?  Like I said, her depression will be a lifelong struggle.  (But this is true for anything.  Some of deal with other kinds of illnesses.  Physical Disability.  Even just general insecurity and fear about our life and what we want)

She has poor coping skills and I believe she naturally pushes people away without realizing she's doing it, which is why you should check her on her behaviour.  Let her know, it hurts, and  its not cool.  She will decide, and you will know, if she can emotionally handle the responsibility of your feelings or not afterwards.  But you absolutely cannot suppress how you feel, out of guilt or fear that it might ruin the relationship.  This will generate resentment and the last thing you want to do is dump it all on her when you're just about to walk out the door, like a weapon to guilt her.  You want to express yourself mindfully, with compassion and patience.

- Beach

Thank you so much. Your post is very helpful and made my day.

Yes, she has poor coping skills with stress. Usually she can go to the gym as her stress reliever, but due to being so busy she hasn't been able to. Also, I sometimes take her out for a quick lunch or walk in the park, but due to being so busy we weren't able to do so lately. The depression has happened throughout our relationship, but it's never been this bad nor has it made her feel she needs a break, but likewise she's never had so much stressors at once either. 

I know there's a possibility things won't workout like I plan, but I pray that we can one day get back together and I can help her find ways to cope with stress better, we are both young and have a lot to learn about life. I don't want to be pushy right now, but like you said above, if we are able to get back into a relationship, I will make sure she understands that pushing me away makes me feel like i'm in the dark.

She kind of knows, but not fully because this is a new experience for both of us and it's never gotten this bad, but I just pray it can be a great learning experience and we can one day both build and learn from it.

Walking away isn't easy for me because I truly care for her, outside of the sudden depression phase, she's a great girlfriend and has all the qualities I want in a future wife. We connect physically, emotionally, spiritually, & our future goals align. Although it's my first love, I know it's not easy finding someone that I can connect with like that.

She told me she doesn't want to breakup fully, but take a break to heal internally because only she can help herself, but doesn't know how long it will take.

[kendahke]

OP,  you are what's known as "an enabler". You've got an excuse for everything in order to keep you there. You cannot figure this out for her--that's what you need to get squared away first.

While she may have mental issues, she is still manipulative and it appears you fear her so much that you dance when she shoots at your feet.

Let her be mad. Give her the space she's asking for to do what she needs to do to get her life on track. That's her heavy life, not yours.

There is no such things as a break. You're either together working things out or you're not. Anything that is neglected dies.

Edited August 21, 2020 by kendahke

[lee179108]

End of the day we can all tell you different things on here... but you do what you feel deep down is the best thing to do. Do what you really feel you should do otherwise you will regret it, if it ends up making things worse then you will have learnt from it, if not then good. Take this whole thing as an experience for the future, its a tough situation and a horrible one...  i wish you all the best. 

[Top10point5]

37 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

End of the day we can all tell you different things on here... but you do what you feel deep down is the best thing to do. Do what you really feel you should do otherwise you will regret it, if it ends up making things worse then you will have learnt from it, if not then good. Take this whole thing as an experience for the future, its a tough situation and a horrible one...  i wish you all the best. 

Thank you. I appreciate your response and wish you the best too. 

Definitely a tough situation and a horrible one, not easy to be in, but I will definitely use it as learning experience, no matter the outcome.

[Wiseman2]

You need to leave her alone . Focus on your own issues.

[amerikajin]

On 8/19/2020 at 7:50 PM, Top10point5 said:

Thanks, same here, just waiting to see how it plays out.

It all happened like night and day, one minute we're on vacation having a wonderful time, same week we came back, I started slowly seeing changes in her behavior. Her stressors started increasing, she had a family emergency, school gave her more work, and her job started giving her more work too. Slowly, I started feeling the distance increasing between us and could tell she wasn't happy. It's happened before, but never this bad, but this was the first time she asked for a "break."

She claims when she doesn't hear from me it makes her feel alone and like I don't care, but when I do reach out sometimes she responsive, but other times I can tell she purposely ignores me, but I try to be too pushy either. 

I think she has severe anxiety issues, and depression gets thrown in the mix with anxiety. She needs some sort of therapy, but this is probably not the basis of a healthy relationship. It's tough because you don't want to hurt her, but at the same time, you have to look out for yourself, too.

If you want to feel better about things, maybe just explain that you think she needs some sort of therapy (if she's not already doing this). Perhaps you can check in on her once in a while but you can't be her therapist - she needs to do that on her own.

[Top10point5]

5 hours ago, amerikajin said:

I think she has severe anxiety issues, and depression gets thrown in the mix with anxiety. She needs some sort of therapy, but this is probably not the basis of a healthy relationship. It's tough because you don't want to hurt her, but at the same time, you have to look out for yourself, too.

If you want to feel better about things, maybe just explain that you think she needs some sort of therapy (if she's not already doing this). Perhaps you can check in on her once in a while but you can't be her therapist - she needs to do that on her own.

Thank you. Yes, you are completely right, she also has anxiety issues mixed with the depression. When she was asking for the break, she couldn't even complete a full sentence, was talking very fast like she was anxious and out of breath, and she was also crying. She's a very good student, but also puts a lot of pressure on herself, sometimes too much and she likes things done right/in her control. 

When she explaining herself, it was like she was jumping into conclusion about how hard things will be, how she doesn't want me to feel neglected, how she won't have enough time for me, and how the future will be, without even letting it take place. I think it was due to the anxiety that caused her to feel that way, because she never even asked my opinion and also I've never complained about her being busy, I'm always supportive and understanding. 

You are right, I cannot be her therapist and this is something she will have to fix on her own and only time/patience can fix. I gave her space and text/call her sometimes, but not too much.

We went on the date she asked for, she was a bit more quiet & awkward than usual, since she's very outgoing. I could also feel in her energy, the unhappiness/depression. Outside of that, overall we did have a great time and I got her to laugh and smile a bit. 

Edited August 22, 2020 by Top10point5

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, Top10point5 said:

You are right, I cannot be her therapist and this is something she will have to fix on her own and only time/patience can fix. I gave her space and text/call her sometimes, but not too much.

We went on the date she asked for, she was a bit more quiet & awkward than usual, since she's very outgoing. I could also feel in her energy, the unhappiness/depression. Outside of that, overall we did have a great time and I got her to laugh and smile a bit. 

This will be challenging.

As much as you care about her, remaining with her is going to require a lot of strength and endurance. It's possible you might get fatigued, and it's also possible you may cross paths with someone with whom you click more naturally.

[Wiseman2]

There's a book 📚 called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"

It's about borderline personality disorder. However read it anyway.

Perhaps her problems have hijacked her mind into suggesting gibberish like this, but what's your excuse for going along with this nonsense?

[notbroken]

What would have to happen for you to be in a calm / secure relationship with her?   If that is something you want, I suggest you look elsewhere.   You won't find it with her.  Likely ever.   I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth.