Pregnant girlfriend ended relationship

[KaneB]

My pregnant girlfriend just broke up with me, I’m 23 and she’s 22. we starting dating in October 2019, I moved in with her around the end of November 2019. And she already had a child, 3 years old that I think of as my own and we have such a great bond. She suffers from depression and anxiety and the father of her last child left her as soon as he found out she was pregnant.

This is my first real relationship and my real first true love. I love this woman to pieces and would do anything she asked and more. We had such an amazing relationship before the pregnancy. Would always go on date nights and we got on like a house on fire. We always talked about having a family of our own, getting married one day and having a child. We found out in April that she was pregnant and we couldn’t have been anymore happier. 

As the months go by we started getting more detached and she felt really distant for the last few months. The whole lockdown has been a real problem and that’s where it all really started. I’ve been used to working my whole life and now being out of work until the beginning of next year is hard, in my first relationship, being under eachothers feet was very hard. But the last few months of this pregnancy I was always saying I love you, always hugging and kissing her. She never initiated those things or said I loved you first. Throughout the last few months she hasn’t done that. Which before the pregnancy she would always do and I always felt loved by her but through the pregnancy I haven’t felt loved the last few months.

She asked for a break with me last Wednesday, the 12th. I’ve never gone through this so I was messaging her near enough everyday to ask her how she was, how the child was and how my baby was doing. I feel so much pain and hurt I just had to talk to her. So I asked to call yesterday, the 17th and we did, she said that she hadn’t been happy for the last few months which I thought something was up but never asked because the both of us like to bottle our emotions up. But this little break really taught me I need to stop that, so I told her that but she said it’s too late. She doesn’t know if she loves me anymore and doesn’t love me like she used to and wants space so she called our relationship off. She said maybe when the baby arrives in December and all her hormones get back to normal she might be like “I’ve made a huge mistake and want you back” but she doesn’t know. Her mum has told her that I’m the best thing to happen to her, that she’s making a huge mistake and it’s the hormones. All of her family get on with me so well and also told her she’s really loosing someone special. I’ve been told by my now ex girlfriend and her mum that I’m not to blame, I’ve done nothing wrong. I was the best man I could have been to her and treated her like a queen and also more importantly I treated her son as my own and we grew together and made a real great step father and son bond, Which Is why I’m so confused and so hurt. 

So here I am now, I need advice. I feel so lost without her right now, do I give her space and just not contact her and wait for her to really open her eyes and know that’s she’s made a huge mistake. Someone please help, I love this woman to pieces.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Did you move out ? Where did you move to? Unfortunately you're on the hook for child support one way or the other.

Stay away from her. Let her contact you. Is she back with the first child's father?

[basil67]

Kane, you sound like you will be a wonderful father.  We can’t predict how things will work out with your ex, but do what you can to stay fully involved with your child.  

[KaneB]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Did you move out ? Where did you move to? Unfortunately you're on the hook for child support one way or the other.

Stay away from her. Let her contact you. Is she back with the first child's father?

I moved back to my mums when she first asked for the break, then she said it’s best if I just stay here whilst she needs alone time. So I needed to call her and get some answers which I didn’t. She just told me she hasn’t felt the love like she used to for a while and was just waiting to tell me she needed space. 
 

I don’t know how long to not contact her for, do I really just wait for her to come back and to message me. We really did have something special and even her mum said that she’s never been like this. Her depression is really bad and she just wants to be alone. 
 

she’s not with the first father, He’s I’m his own relationship and want to start his own family. This is just so hard for me as I know she loves me and we had something so great before she was pregnant. I’m so lost 

[d0nnivain]

Oh good heavens.  What a lousy way to start a 1st relationship.  There was so much wrong in here.  Moving in with someone you only knew for 1 month was foolhardy.   You are now tied to this woman for the rest of your child's life.  

She's probably not coming back.  Start from there.  Go see a lawyer & find out what your rights & responsibilities are regarding custody.  Demand a paternity test before you pay anything.  

[schlumpy]

So you are the greatest boyfriend in the world and she still dumped you. Are you sure she's the greatest girlfriend in the world?

I guess in your mind, she is.

Quit using her pregnancy and hormones as an excuse for her behavior. It's insulting to you for creating an excuse you can cling to and insulting to her for pretending she doesn't know her own mind.

Accept what she is telling you and act accordingly as if you have some value.

Find someone that wants to be with you because she doesn't

[ExpatInItaly]

Way too  much, way too soon. 

I realize it's a moot point now, but you two were not being very smart when you moved into together after a month and became an insta-family. You barely knew each other. Given that it's your first real relationship, I know you don't have much to compare this to; however, nearly everyone is on their best behaviour at the beginning when the lust is high and the sparks are flying. A hugely important life lesson for you here is that this is the honeymoon stage, and it is not when you should make huge commitments to someone. You don't know each other well enough in the first few months. She doesn't sound like a very stable or mature individual. It says a lot that she would bring a strange man around her son so quickly and let him get attached as well. 

Now you are learning more about her, and her about you, and she is realizing this isn't the relationship for her. I wouldn't count on her coming back, nor would I really trust her  to stick around if she did.

You would be wise to start making more adult choices, and speak to an attorney about your rights as the father of this child. I hate to even mention this, so forgive me for asking, but are you sure it is in fact your baby? Get a paternity test done, even if you can't fathom that this might not be your child. She may have been looking to end this before having to make a very awkward confession in the delivery room. 

Edited August 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[kendahke]

Could she have broken up with you in a way to 'beat you to the punch', since she's got a history of her child's father leaving her while pregnant?

Has she ever talked about the circumstances surrounding that and are there any similarities between you and him that she's picking up on which caused her to take this step?

If she won't talk to you and is actively trying to shut you out of your child's life, then you need to find a solicitor who will help you get what you need... and I agree--take that paternity test. This might also be "the best defense is a good offense" and you may not be the father. I'm not saying, I'm just saying...