My gf has her head in the clouds is childish a lot it's killing my attraction to her

[Redsnow479]

 

For reference my gf and I are both 22
So my gf and I have been together for nearly two years, and things have been pretty good for the most part. We agree on values, our future, etc. But as things have become more comfortable in my relationship, I’ve been seeing a side of my gf that just kills my attraction to her the more often it comes out. She acts like a little kid a LOT. I don’t mean she has tantrums or anything like that, nor is she bratty, but when we hang out or FaceTime she spends a lot of it rambling about random stuff, dancing randomly, or going on about things she liked as a kid (like twilight or high school musical or anything else). I think all of these behaviours are really cute and fun,and when it started, I felt like I was really lucky to see his side of her, which was a stark contrast to the poise, elegant side of her she showed when we first started dating. I was really happy to be with someone with such a youthful spirit, and she’d make me laugh with her fun dances and song singalongs & her quirky passions. It’s a stark contrast to my personality, which is fun but on the inside I’m very serious and focused, so I really loved how different we are in that aspect. 

Now, however, she’s a bit too comfortable with me (I think) and it’s getting Im the way of being romantic with one another. There are a ton of good reasons why we can’t/aren’t having sex right now, so I’m not upset about that, but having my gf pull away when I want to kiss her or be affectionate/ romantic so she can do what I’ve described is leaving me incredibly frustrated. It’s not that I want her to stop doing what she’s doing, it’s more that it’s frequent enough to the point that I don’t feel like we’re dating anymore due to the lack of affection & romance I feel on her end (throughout quarantine I tried to keep it alive but am giving up now). It just feels like she’s my friend when I’m with her, and I want it to change. 

I can’t even say that I feel she’s not into me either, as when we do hang out she does talk about our future children and frequently brings up my dating past out of curiosity for what past partners looked like. I also feel really bad about wanting to tell her I’d like her to tone down her behaviour, especially after initially telling her how cute I thought it was, as I don’t want her to feel like she can’t be herself around me. I’m really conflicted because I’m not sure if I can continue being in what feels like a platonic relationship for me, but also feel bad because I know my gf isn’t doing anything wrong to me, and don’t want her to feel like she can’t be real with me. I’m posting this to ask what you’d do if you were me, as well as if you think it’s odd that I’m getting so turned off by her behaviour. Thanks :)

TL:DR My gf is very spacey & focused on her quirks to the point it’s impacting our ability to be romantic with one another

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

Now, however, she’s a bit too comfortable with me (I think) and it’s getting Im the way of being romantic with one another. There are a ton of good reasons why we can’t/aren’t having sex right now, so I’m not upset about that, but having my gf pull away when I want to kiss her or be affectionate/ romantic so she can do what I’ve described is leaving me incredibly frustrated.

Just so we're clear, is she pulling away when you go in for a kiss so she can bust out random dance moves? It sounds like she's using this odd choice of behaviour as a distraction so she doesn't have to get intimate with you. 

What are the other reasons you aren't having sex anymore? 

 

[d0nnivain]

The random dance moves & the childishness don't sound that bad.  Pulling away when you try to kiss her sounds like a deal breaker. 

[Redsnow479]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just so we're clear, is she pulling away when you go in for a kiss so she can bust out random dance moves? It sounds like she's using this odd choice of behaviour as a distraction so she doesn't have to get intimate with you. 

What are the other reasons you aren't having sex anymore? 

 

Either that, or to show me YouTube videos, etc. Could be anything. Yeah that’s clearly why she’s doing it, but she’s got vaginismus and we’re only really able to fool around in my car, which has gotten boring and stressful after getting caught. We’ve both got immunocompromised parents, so going to an Airbnb or hotel isn’t an option at the moment. She also acts like that when we’re FaceTiming or doing anything else, not just when I’m in the mood in all fairness

[Redsnow479]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The random dance moves & the childishness don't sound that bad.  Pulling away when you try to kiss her sounds like a deal breaker. 

They’re not, it’s really cute actually. When it’s the only thing she does it starts gearing on me. It feels impossible to have a serious conversation

[d0nnivain]

If she's goofing around & you need to have a serious conversation just tell her that & ask her to be serious for a moment.  

[Redsnow479]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If she's goofing around & you need to have a serious conversation just tell her that & ask her to be serious for a moment.  

If we needed to I would, 1000%. I’m saying it doesn’t even feel like that’s something we can do with how out there she is, like I feel she’s not even capable of being interested in being serious with me (all the while idealizing our potential future together)

[ccas93]

I seeing a girl kinda like this a few years ago, a huge goofball and things started feeling platonic after a while. The physical intimacy was really good at first, but then she started doing stuff like giving me "tickle attacks" when I was making out with her and trying to escalate things. When this happened I just stopped hitting her up and started looking elsewhere. If she's not capable of taking you seriously, have some self respect and leave

Edited August 18, 2020 by ccas93

[Timshel]

Is there some reason you are not able to break up with her? 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

If we needed to I would, 1000%. I’m saying it doesn’t even feel like that’s something we can do with how out there she is, like I feel she’s not even capable of being interested in being serious with me (all the while idealizing our potential future together)

It sounds more like you are leaning towards ending this. 

Are you wanting to break up?

[Redsnow479]

10 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Is there some reason you are not able to break up with her? 

I love her haha

[Redsnow479]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds more like you are leaning towards ending this. 

Are you wanting to break up?

Yes and no. I really do believe in giving a relationship everything and we’ve agreed on a future together, etc. I don’t Want to break that. I love my gf and all the memories we’ve made, plus she was my first serious relationship & I’ve always wanted to make my first serious one last, which is rare especially bc she shares the sentiment
 

on the other hand it feels like I’ve given so much to this relationship & time is kicking its ass anyways, plus I work hard to stay in shape and be attractive & that built up self esteem has been going out the window because of this whole thing & im tired of feeling rejected & to be honest, ugly 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

Yes and no. I really do believe in giving a relationship everything and we’ve agreed on a future together, etc. I don’t Want to break that. I love my gf and all the memories we’ve made, plus she was my first serious relationship & I’ve always wanted to make my first serious one last, which is rare especially bc she shares the sentiment
 

on the other hand it feels like I’ve given so much to this relationship & time is kicking its ass anyways, plus I work hard to stay in shape and be attractive & that built up self esteem has been going out the window because of this whole thing & im tired of feeling rejected & to be honest, ugly 

All you need to do is decide how annoying it really is. Everyone has things we don't like about them. The other thing you can do is start cutting the silly sessions short or redirect it. After all at first you were amused/charmed, so she's not aware that it's grown old/stale. 

[smackie9]

There is more to a relationship than love....it's called compatibility. What you see is her personality, it's who she is. Telling her to change to better suit you is wrong. She's just not the one for you. This why we date people...to find the perfect one, that fits us in every way, with some differences for excitement/interest. You've reached as far as you can go with this one. As for a future...everyone and their dog talks about a future when a relationship is new and fresh. It doesn't mean you have to commit to it.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Redsnow479 said:

I think all of these behaviours are really cute and fun,and when it started, I felt like I was really lucky to see his side of her, which was a stark contrast to the poise, elegant side of her she showed when we first started dating.

I'm not sure about the pulling away while kissing thing, but some people show a different side "publicly" to compensate for how they really are. In other words, she knows she has this "childish" aspect to her personality and has seen it not go over well, so to a certain extent she "presents" a more serious exterior.

Again, not sure about the kissing thing, which may be your main concern, but I thought I'd mention the above.

[Ruby Slippers]

It won't hurt to pull back from her. If she's not into you, she'll let you go and you'll know. If she is into you, she'll remember that and let you know.

Your commitment is admirable, but few people manage to get along and stick with their first love, so don't feel bad if you have to move on. Dating is to figure out if you're compatible for a higher commitment.

[ShyViolet]

Does she act like this with other people too, or just you?  This would seriously annoy me.  The fact that you say you can't even have a serious conversation with her.... that would be a deal breaker for me, I would never be able to date someone like that.  She needs to grow up and act a little more normally or she's going to have a hard time in life.  I'm still not understanding why the relationship has become "platonic" and she pulls away even when you try to kiss her.  That's not normal behavior in a relationship, even if she has issues that make sex difficult right now.

I think you should definitely talk to her about this, tell her that her "childish" behavior is off-putting and just too much.  She needs to hear it from someone.  Although honestly I doubt it will save the relationship.  If you're leaning towards breaking up, then you should get it over with sooner rather than later.  Don't waste your time or her time in a relationship that's not going to go anywhere. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

I love her haha

You love her but losing your sexual  attraction for her? 

That's called friendship love not romantic love.

First loves are special but they often don't last.  Sounds like your RL has run it's course. 

Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[ccas93]

I think once OP dumps her and moves on, he's going to look back on her and either cringe or laugh

[poppyfields]

I think another problem might be how much you praised her for this same behavior when you first began dating, telling her how cute it was, etc. 

Now she is left with the impression you like this behavior, you find it cute and adorable so of course she is going to want to continue it.

I think at this point, it is going to be very difficult to tell her to tone it down given how much you praised her for it earlier.

But you could try, she might not even want to act that way, at least not as much, and only doing so because she thinks YOU think it's cute!

Talk to her.

Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

when we do hang out she does talk about our future children and frequently brings up my dating past out of curiosity for what past partners looked like.

It's too soon to be talking about children and future if you can't sit her down and tell her her joi d'enfant is killing your libido---that you're not interested in having sex with a child .

And quit talking about your past partners--she will use that against you when she starts to not get her way with you. You have a right to your past without her noseying around in it.  Her curiosity, just like her mannerisms, will change one day and you will have given her all the ammunition she'll use against you in a childish, jealous tirade.

[basil67]

Something out of left field here: a lot of the medical community haven’t kept up with progress on vaginismus.   A women’s sexual health physiotherapist can make a huge difference.  

There’s a great podcast called “ladies, we need to talk” and the episode is called ‘when sex hurts’ which discusses it in depth.  

[chillii]

Well for a start , one part of her pulling away or kinda changing subject so to speak would be about her problem, she; doesn't want it to go any further atm so she quickly blocks it before it starts up. But whether it's about more too, like she's also lost the interest as well, can't say. You gotta talk about it without pressure and try to get to what's really going on with her and why.

The personality side of things , could be yrs before she starts seriousing up a bit , or maybe she never will, so you've got a decision to make there. Try not working so hard at things, forcing her to wake up and put a bit more effort into you two again might help and be worth a shot first.

Edited August 18, 2020 by chillii

[Hotmess118]

It seems like you need to talk about the lack of intimacy and why she feels like she wants to pull away. If I’m understanding you correctly this behavior is a turn off because you feel like she’s doing these things when you would like to be intimate. You don’t have to call out the behavior specifically but talk with her about how your feeling. She can’t read your mind and if you don’t give her an opportunity to change you won’t be able to work on this problem.

[Redsnow479]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Does she act like this with other people too, or just you?  This would seriously annoy me.  The fact that you say you can't even have a serious conversation with her.... that would be a deal breaker for me, I would never be able to date someone like that.  She needs to grow up and act a little more normally or she's going to have a hard time in life.  I'm still not understanding why the relationship has become "platonic" and she pulls away even when you try to kiss her.  That's not normal behavior in a relationship, even if she has issues that make sex difficult right now.

I think you should definitely talk to her about this, tell her that her "childish" behavior is off-putting and just too much.  She needs to hear it from someone.  Although honestly I doubt it will save the relationship.  If you're leaning towards breaking up, then you should get it over with sooner rather than later.  Don't waste your time or her time in a relationship that's not going to go anywhere. 

She is just like this with the people she’s closest too, and reminds me of that a lot. Yeah trying to be serious usually gets her upset which is frustrating as hell for me. I’d like to save the relationship above all else, and so I’m leaning towards staying, but we’ll see what happens when I bring it up (at a good time)