My boyfriend wants space and I feel so guilty

[suz901]

Hi everyone. I am new here. So please bear with me. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we are going through a bad patch. I really adore this guy. Recently we have been forced into long-distance relationship due to COVID 19 and we are from different countries. We lived together for about 6 months in a third country before we had to separate. He works a lot in his home country (Belgium) and now he barely has time to call me. He started off by calling me every other day. Now its once a week.  I had a family tragedy last week, and I messaged him to tell him about it and that I really needed his support. He read my messages but ignored them for five days while I was really struggling and he knew this. Eventually, my best friend sent him a message to say that I really need his support and that he is treating me very badly. He finally contacted me back, but did not ask anything about my family problems or how I am. Instead, he just said he could not believe that I was telling my friends about it and that I should understand that he is busy.  He says he loves me but he is fed up of the relationship because I cause him too much trouble and that he wants a break. Despite knowing that he should have supported me, I feel so guilty that I have caused him so much trouble. And that he probably feels really horrible because my friend called him out on his behaviour. I actually don't blame my friend, she has seen me suffer and she was angry that he hurt me. I feel so bad that I just want to take him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am, even though I somehow know that it is not me that should be sorry. But I hate the thought of someone feeling bad about themselves because of me.

To give some more context, 

1) he is a nice guy most of the time. He tells me he loves me all the time and that 'I am his life'.

2) I feel like it has been me that has made the majority of effort in the relationship while he has coasted along. (For example, in 1 year of being together, I have never received a gift from him, whilst i've bought him many. I have flown literally across the world to be with him, but he has never done this for me. He got drunk once and groped another girl).

3) He has a habit of promising to call, and forgetting. In the past he has made plans with me and not shown up. He planned to call me on my birthday and forgot.

4)Usually, when we have arguments about the aforementioned issues, he twists it to be my fault, says i am too demanding (this may be true) and I end up feeling guilty and apologising to him for making him feel bad. Sometimes he gets upset or tearful and I end up feeling unbelievably guilty and ashamed that I did that to him. 

 

I know I probably sound like a walkover (please don't judge) but I really love this guy. And when he is nice, he is amazing. I just wanted some outsider advice really. Have I been too harsh on him? Is he likely to come back if I give him the space he wants? Why do I feel guilty all the time when it is him doing the wrong things? Was my friend wrong for getting involved? What should I do? The thought of breaking up with him really breaks my heart.

Edited August 18, 2020 by suz901

[Wiseman2]

Don't feel guilty. Take this time to reflect if you want to be with someone like this. LDRs are hard and it's just not working and too one sided. It will be a welcome relief to end it with someone like this in retrospect. Distance yourself from him and consider dating locally.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship sounds incredibly one-sided. You are so much more invested than he is, OP, and it sounds like it’s always been that way.

You are clearly not happy. It’s time to let him go since he doesn’t really want to be there anyway, and reflect on why you insist on staying with a guy who’s not that into you and doesn’t seem to have any respect for you. 

This relationship is at a dead end. 

[FMW]

35 minutes ago, suz901 said:

Have I been too harsh on him?

No, you're not being too harsh on him.  Unless he works 20 hours a day, he can certainly send a quick text a couple times a week just to let you know he's thinking about you.  It doesn't have to be a back and forth for an hour texting session, just a quick text.  Once a week contact and telling you that you cause too much trouble for him isn't sounding to me like he loves you and you are his life.  Neither does never giving you anything, including his time.  Or forgetting to call or that he made plans with you.  He doesn't give and he doesn't remember because he is not that invested in you.   

36 minutes ago, suz901 said:

Is he likely to come back if I give him the space he wants?

Maybe, maybe not.  His interest isn't very apparent, so if I had to guess I would say no.  (I know that's harsh, but the flip side is that someone else will certainly treat you better and this guy is keeping you from meeting the right one.)

40 minutes ago, suz901 said:

Why do I feel guilty all the time when it is him doing the wrong things?

Because like a lot of women you might not think you deserve better and so you're buying into his uncaring and rude attitude. You're worrying about him feeling bad that your friend brought it to his attention while he doesn't seem to have any care at all about any hardships you are experiencing.  When he finally contacted you he only talked about what he was dealing with, and didn't even bother to ask about you.  You know that's not right. He's not feeling bad about himself because of you.  I doubt he's even feeling bad about himself at all, he was just annoyed to even have to be bothered with it.   It also sounds like he's used to using his annoyance or looking "tearful" to manipulate you into never voicing any unhappiness with what he's doing (or more to the point NOT doing).  

43 minutes ago, suz901 said:

Was my friend wrong for getting involved?

Maybe.  But she only did it because she cared.  I would certainly give her a pass on her behavior before giving one to him.

44 minutes ago, suz901 said:

What should I do?

Think about everything you've written.  DON'T reach out to him again.  Take some time and space.  I know you're scared at the thought of losing him.  But what would you really be losing? Occasional moments of him being "nice" and "amazing"?  How much are you compromising and settling on just to have him around in some small way?  Is this really how you want things to be?  Are you willing to keep swallowing your own feelings and needs?  

 

 

[kendahke]

I'll bet he's not too busy to go to the pub and enjoy a pint with his friends of an evening.

It could be that you've built up in your head who you want him to be to the point where you've been blindsided by the reality of who this guy actually is: someone who cannot be counted on when you're going through stressful situations, someone who can't muster up a scintilla of compassion and instead, is far too invested in his selfishness.

What you've described of him doesn't sound like a nice guy at all--it sounds like an emotionally calculating sort who withholds when it suits his purpose.

Be glad he's shown you the truth of himself and believe what he's shown you instead of what you've built up in your imagination about him.

[DKT3]

I think you need to date more guys because your idea of a nice guy needs to be re-examined. 

[La.Primavera]

1 hour ago, suz901 said:

Have I been too harsh on him? Is he likely to come back if I give him the space he wants? Why do I feel guilty all the time when it is him doing the wrong things? Was my friend wrong for getting involved? What should I do? The thought of breaking up with him really breaks my heart.

You haven't been too harsh on him.  You've put up with receiving the minimum. 

How much more space will be enough for him?  You've barely been communicating as it is.  This situation is unhealthy.

You feel guilty because you have been conditioned to believe that you are the problem here.  Have you heard of the term gaslighting?  You should look it up and see whether you think this is applicable to your situation.  

In general, friends shouldn't get involved.  However, in this situation you boyfriend/ex deserved to be called out for being profoundly selfish and heartless to someone he claims to care about.  His behavior has been appalling and he should be embarrassed.  Instead, yet again, it's your fault.

If you are telling us the cold hard facts about how things have gone down, I would urge you to end this.  Of course breaking up with him will be tough, but the damage this relationship will do to your self esteem and confidence in the long run will be much more painful.   

[beentheredonethat77]

Consider you are 'feeling guilty' and self-blaming as its more tolerable than facing the anger and outrage of his terrible treatment of you.  This way you can use your guilt and feelings of regret for 'making him feel bad' (i doubt very much you made him feel badly about himself-- he doesn't feel bad.. hes irritated by you you involved your friend - if you felt badly he would have mentioned your family tragedy instead of scolding you for the friend contact).   

I think we look for ways we are to blame so then its not over as we can 'make it up to them' .. ("take him in your arms and say sorry." like you said).  When in reality we need to face the truth that its their lack of interest / investment in the relationship that is the problem -- they want out / space.   We need to give it to them. 

 

Painful... i know :((( -- But walking in the light of the truth lets you move on to greener pastures faster.   

Edited August 19, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[NC-Thomas]

I taste a lot of self blame in your story, which is natural when going through a breakup.

I just got dumped last week after a four year relationship and I constantly doubt my own decisions and judgements too. Its normal. From what youve told us, you lack some self respect.

For you to do is to accept this new reality and the fact he is not interested in maintaining a relationship. You have done your part it seems.

The sooner you stop doubting and judging yourself, making excuses for his behaviour, idealizing him, accept what is, and let go of hopes of getting together: the sooner you will heal. Hope can be a very destructive emotion right now.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[snowboy91]

15 hours ago, suz901 said:

1) he is a nice guy most of the time. He tells me he loves me all the time and that 'I am his life'.

2) I feel like it has been me that has made the majority of effort in the relationship while he has coasted along. (For example, in 1 year of being together, I have never received a gift from him, whilst i've bought him many. I have flown literally across the world to be with him, but he has never done this for me. He got drunk once and groped another girl).

3) He has a habit of promising to call, and forgetting. In the past he has made plans with me and not shown up. He planned to call me on my birthday and forgot.

4)Usually, when we have arguments about the aforementioned issues, he twists it to be my fault, says i am too demanding (this may be true) and I end up feeling guilty and apologising to him for making him feel bad. Sometimes he gets upset or tearful and I end up feeling unbelievably guilty and ashamed that I did that to him. 

 

To use harsh logic, read the bold bit, then read points 2 to 4. If you are really "his life", then why doesn't he put in effort? Why doesn't he call you? Especially on your birthday - NO-ONE forgets the birthday of someone they love! If you're truly that heavily invested in another person (healthily or not), they are always on your mind. You always want to do the right thing by them and make them happy. 

This isn't the behaviour of someone who is invested in the relationship. I know you really care about him and that's why you're feeling guilty, but you need to remember that relationships need to be a two-way street - you need to be getting as much out of him as he's getting out of you - and more than just the words you like hearing.

[Fox Sake]

This guys actions contradict his words. 
If you were his life , you would feel it. But you don’t. 
To ignore you for 5 days and leave you on read is pretty low- but for you to think that it’s acceptable behaviour and make excuses as to why he’s still so great,  is not a good thing. You’re starting to become a doormat. He already knows you are. He can treat you however he wishes and knows that you’ll come back like a puppy. You teach people how to treat you. 
 

you’ve made most of the effort in the relationship and he has made very little. Why are you putting up with this? Don’t you think you deserve to be treated better? Don’t you think that you deserve to truly feel like you’re loved and cared about- as opposed to just being told it , without action? Personally I don’t feel like he’s that trustworthy. 
 

This guy isn’t serious about you. If he is then he has too much going on in his life to be able to commit to you. When you’re serious about someone , they’re the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing before you close your eyes. Even a message a day isn’t enough, let alone one a week. But you already know that. I do t care what his job is , even farmers with 18 hour days find the time for people they love , even if it’s just a message. 
 

The reason you feel guilty is because you’re a pacifist and he’s a controller. Also because you probably feel like you’re on eggshells with him if you want to bring anything up and you don’t want to upset the Apple cart , because you love him. If you think you’re punching above your weight then let me tell you- you aren’t.  

I guess you bite your tongue a fair bit and when you do bring up issues , he starts to get angry at you. Because as far as he’s concerned that’s out of your character of being subservient and offering your love without compromise. All he has to do is give you a row and you end up feeling guilty and he knows this. He will use it to his advantage every single step of the way.  
 

You need to start loving yourself. Respecting yourself, having moral standards of how you wish to be treated and not putting up with less. After all that’s what he’s doing. He doesn’t put up with anything even if it’s him who’s being a an animal. 

if I was you I would take everything you can from this and turn it into a future benefit. Use his examples of bad behaviour as things you don’t want in a partner. This is actually a blessing is disguise for you, another branch on your tree, so to speak. you have good things coming your way. Just do the right thing and look out for yourself. Sometimes when life keeps kicking us in the balls it means we are going in the wrong direction.  You have all the power to change your life and attract the kind of love you deserve. Be strong  
 

 

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, suz901 said:

  I had a family tragedy last week, and I messaged him to tell him about it and that I really needed his support. He read my messages but ignored them for five days while I was really struggling and he knew this.

* * * 

I know I probably sound like a walkover (please don't judge) but I really love this guy. And when he is nice, he is amazing. I just wanted some outsider advice really. Have I been too harsh on him? Is he likely to come back if I give him the space he wants? Why do I feel guilty all the time when it is him doing the wrong things? Was my friend wrong for getting involved? What should I do? The thought of breaking up with him really breaks my heart.

You don't sound like a walkover.  You ARE a walkover.  

Look you may love this guy but his actions scream that he doesn't give a flying fig about you no matter what sweet words he may utter when he has time.  

A family tragedy -- assuming it is a real tragedy like a death in the family for which I express my deepest sympathies to you -- merits that your SO drop everything to comfort you.   In Covid it's probably unrealistic to expect him to come to your country but for pete's sake it's outright mean to ignore you for 5 days!  Good heavens that alone would have caused me to never speak to him again yet you are on here wondering if you are being too harsh with him?   

What you need to feel guilty about is debasing yourself for a man who repeatedly demonstrates that he thinks you are a nuisance not the love of his life.    The reason you feel guilty is this guy has been gaslighting you & brainwashing you for months making his flaws & failings your fault.  He has eroded your confidence so badly that you believe him.  

You claim to love him.  You need to love & respect yourself.  That means not putting up with this BS.  He doesn't love you.  If he did he wouldn't consider you to be troublesome & he'd be eager to call.  His forgetfulness when he promises to call is because you are not important to him.  

Your friend was a bit wrong for getting involved but she did it to champion you & it worked.  Your BF responded to her.  It shouldn't have taken a third party to motivate him to reach out after you had a family tragedy.  

What you should do is end this.  Covid isn't going away.  The likelihood that you two will conquer the miles is unlikely.  He's already groping other women.  

I'm sorry.  I know you wanted to hear something like there, there take a deep breath & give him some space. He'll be back in a day or two but that is not the reality of this situation.  

End things.  Lick your wounds & heal.  Take some time to reflect about how & why he eroded your self esteem so badly.  Regroup & come out stronger.  Lean on your friends.  She sounds like a good source of support.  

[ShyViolet]

He's not that into you.  No one is too busy to text or call their girlfriend, if they REALLY want to.  People make time for what is important to them.  The fact that he doesn't text or call you much says it all.  You are not a priority to him, you are not on his mind.  Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with you?  Just let him go.