I feel like the Other Man

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Maybe im in the wrong section but someone will move it if it's needed. 

First of all. Hi there .im back after a long break from this forum. 

I am in a weird place right now. I've been talking to this girl for like 3-4 years or more. We have been friends thru my best friend. She  is his little cousin. 

She is in a toxic relationship of 2.5 years.  Thru this time ocassionally i would help her out with some issues in her relation.  Last half of year she contacted me more and more often. 2 months ago the inevitable happened and she confessed her crush on me. I was flabbergasted. She is a nice and smart girl. The fact she is super attractive is irelevant at this point. I was amazed a girl in a relationship would like me. I ve been single for 6 years now and it was fine for me. Somehow i got attached to her too and started to like her back. 

 

After some time and many daily videocalls on instagram and facebook we have confessed our love for eachother.  We met in real only a few times and in collectives not alone. So most of our "affair" was entirely online. We do intend to meet only the 2 of us alone too but.. I'm not sure i want this anymore.. 

Her boyfriend started getting suspicious and accused her of talking behind his back with one of my friends. Funny how he missed me entirely even if he knows she and i are talking .anyways after i actually tried to help her fix her relationship i found out more about her bf and what is really happening and i became utterly disgusted. 

He called her passions rubbish, he called her stupid he tried many times to get in her pants and threatened to leave her if she doesn't have sex with him. This breakup almost happened a few weeks ago when she tried to leave and he threatened her he will suicide and she got scared and gave him another chance. He tried to manipulate her into sex by saying his friends are having sex and he is not and they mock him so she should do it with him. 

 

Now.. After i found out all of these details u can imagine how happy i was 😐 i immediatelly stopped giving her advice in her relationship and told her to leave. Maybe because of me but she broke up with him once and told him she doesnt love him anymore and that she is tired of him.  2 days later they were back togheder coz well. She is too naive yet. So she granted a chance and told him some conditions so to speak for their relationship to go on. She wants him to change for her. 

She wants to  connect with him in the same way she connected with me. Emotionally. Spiritually. 

 

I told her she can't force a person to change. Before the breakup he also told her to change to stay with him. Now that she tried to walk away he said he will do anything to make her get the feelings of love back. Like really douchebag? Now u try everything after treating her badly? Lol pathethic. 

 

After all of these happened i didnt empathise with him anymore. I only wanted her to get away from him. I ve dreamed a few times how it would be like to be with her and i think it would work out great and all but i cant force her. Its wrong. 

 

Long story short. She was feeling guilty about "cheating " with me so she said we should remain friends as long as she is in this relationship. I told her that the emotional cheating is still happening even as we tried to stay friends. She doesnt believe me. Anyways, i got angry one time and told her we cant stay friends like these after we got involved so much and that if we are meant to be we will find each other again later in life but not like this. I told her im not an option and that i dont wanna take part in her emotional cheating.  She cried and said we can still be friends.. But i said we can't and i told her we will talk again. 

 

2 days later i regreted my decision and started talking to her again. She was very happy. Meanwhile in those 2 days if not talking we were both very sad and depressed. She asked that friend of mine and her cousin (my bestfriend)  to check up on me to see if im okay. That wad kinda cute from her side.. 

 

A little background on her. She is 17 and im 25 .her bf is 19. Her dad died when she was 2.5 yrs old. She only had her mother since then and her mom is very controlling and abusive. To the point she wont let her come out of the house and even locked her in her room. ( i know believe i know)  .she is a very sweet girl and fragile heart.. 

I couldnt stay away from her more than 2 days. I told her many times i would be there for her even if it hurts me. I want her to be happy. She has no real friends and noone to understand her. I did that and i was her only real friend for a time.. I felt very bad when i tried to walk away from her and saw her alone bursting in tears with no one to understand her.. She said she s sorry about confessing to me and doesnt want to lose our friendship coz im her only friend and for a time she saw me as a soulmate too. 

It's her first relationship and she has no idea what she is doing. She seems oblivious and in denial to his true intentions and still wants him to change into a  better person. He only wants to f*** her coz he's the player type.  I despise this type the most coz they ruin good women and the hurtful cycle goes on then.. They are total opposites .she said she wouldnt have gotten into this relationship 2 years ago if she knew how he would be like but now she cant leave coz she s attached emotionally and she s afraid of her crazy mom s reaction. 

 

I m more on the emotional need type of guy. I just want someone to share my love with. That's all and i don t think im gonna have sex before marriage again. My last (first) relationship taught me that very well.  

I m still by her side and i dont feel guilty anymore. Judge me all u want but it s the truth. I m only staying for her coz she s alone and she needs someone to understand her. She had a rough childhood and this.. Developed something in her mind. She has a mental illness which im not gonna reveal here but it affected her mind alot.. I understand her coz i have something similar so we understand eachother too well.  We have similar passions. Music taste. Even some hobbies and interests. I couldnt believe i can sync so well with someone after all these years. It felt amazing.  I know we would ve been perfect togheter if she was single. She s not .im not sure how to proceed anymore. She still calls me daily on insta as a friend and the way she looks at me is still sweet and caring. We dont talk on fb anymore coz they gave their accounts to one another (my idea..-_-)

I dont wanna wait for her until her relation dries out and she can move on but i dont know if i wanna be that desperate guy who lingers ny the side. Im better than that and i respect myself not to be involved in this stupid soap opera drama .  Im trying to be here for her but when i mention another girl she rather seems jealous. She told me once she doesnt want to make me wait for her and i asked her if it would hurt her to see me in a relation with another girl. She said it would hurt her . we both tried to sacrifice but.. Here we are. It still feels like love. She said she would still feel guilty if we would meet right now coz it would seem romantic and she doesnt want to cheat. 

 

Ive been on this forum for years.ive been giving advices and follow at the same time here and i know what i have to do and i tried but the situation got so complicated and now im powerless. Im trying to remain friends with her but if someone else comes along.. Im not gonna wait. I just pray to God ill make the right choice this time. 

Im gonna be back with more details… meanwhile i await your replies. 

 

Okay then.. But how do you stay friends with someone you love? 

Edited August 19, 2020 by AdamantyumKrystal

[Wiseman2]

She's in an abusive relationship. Step back and give her info on where to get help to extricate herself from it.

[elaine567]

53 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

She wants him to change for her. 

This is the bottom line and why so many stay in abusive situations, no matter how bad it gets.
She doesn't want you, she wants him, only she wants the "better" him.
You are the friend who gets her through, who supports her and who is nice to her and  who makes it all bearable, but it is not you she wants.
If it was, she would have dumped him in an instant and ran to you, but instead she makes excuses for him, she stays and she uses you to make her life better.
Yes you could wait around till she manages to free herself but what then usually happens is she, feeling better about herself, moves on to someone else, leaving you again in the friend-zone.
I know you are hungry for love but you will not get it from this girl.
Time to move on.
No-one can be "just friends" with someone they love, without becoming increasingly hurt and eventually damaged.

[Wiseman2]

Is she interested in a bisexual relationship with you? Are you just hanging around pretending to be a friend when you actually want more?

[AdamantyumKrystal]

how do i delete a comment and why i cant reply to others? lol this changed a lot

Edited August 19, 2020 by AdamantyumKrystal

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Just now, AdamantyumKrystal said:

 

 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This is the bottom line and why so many stay in abusive situations, no matter how bad it gets.
She doesn't want you, she wants him, only she wants the "better" him.
You are the friend who gets her through, who supports her and who is nice to her and  who makes it all bearable, but it is not you she wants.
If it was, she would have dumped him in an instant and ran to you, but instead she makes excuses for him, she stays and she uses you to make her life better.
Yes you could wait around till she manages to free herself but what then usually happens is she, feeling better about herself, moves on to someone else, leaving you again in the friend-zone.
I know you are hungry for love but you will not get it from this girl.
Time to move on.
No-one can be "just friends" with someone they love, without becoming increasingly hurt and eventually damaged.

this is exactly the reason why i wanted to stop all contact with her, but ah well, ..

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she interested in a bisexual relationship with you? Are you just hanging around pretending to be a friend when you actually want more?

bisexual relationship? im not female im male, i dont know why im hanging around honestly, we have been friends for a long time and now it's kinda weird to end it all of a sudden coz of this 😐

[AdamantyumKrystal]

what do u mean by "step back?"

[Crazelnut]

You think SHE'S messed up? You're the one with White Knight Syndrome. You can't help her. She doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is help yourself, which means you have to get yourself out of that situation. 

To answer the question you asked: No, you can't be her friend.

To answer the question you didn't ask: Get as far away from this screwed up couple as you can. The BF sounds like a loose cannon. Give her some contact info for a local group that helps abused women, and then GET OUT. 

[BaileyB]

She is not even 18 years old, and she is in an abusive relationship. 
You are old enough to know that it’s not wise to get involved in this situation. 

[Amethyst68]

You need to step back. You're a grown man, an adult and she's still a counted as a child in most places. To put it frankly you're to old for her at this point.

In a few years, when she's a older and a bit more mature your 8 years age difference may not matter but right now it does.

You need to be careful, you've been talking to her for the past 3-4 years when she was 13-14 and you were 21-22 you were way out of line. What were you doing getting emotionally involved with a young teenage girl line that? You need to develop better boundaries. This could end up blowing up and getting you in trouble.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

You need to step back. You're a grown man, an adult and she's still a counted as a child in most places. To put it frankly you're to old for her at this point.

In a few years, when she's a older and a bit more mature your 8 years age difference may not matter but right now it does.

You need to be careful, you've been talking to her for the past 3-4 years when she was 13-14 and you were 21-22 you were way out of line. What were you doing getting emotionally involved with a young teenage girl line that? You need to develop better boundaries. This could end up blowing up and getting you in trouble.

I'm aware of that. The emotional involvement only started this last few months so i can't say it was a trouble, i'm talking with lots of ppl actually no matter the age but i i've never had involvement(emotional/sexual etc.) with underage girls,  and yeah in a few years maybe the things will change a lil bit, It could only blow up if i would be actually stupid and try to have sex with a girl under 18 years, which i am not, i'm pretty much against pedobears so u get the point 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

2 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

You think SHE'S messed up? You're the one with White Knight Syndrome. You can't help her. She doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is help yourself, which means you have to get yourself out of that situation. 

To answer the question you asked: No, you can't be her friend.

To answer the question you didn't ask: Get as far away from this screwed up couple as you can. The BF sounds like a loose cannon. Give her some contact info for a local group that helps abused women, and then GET OUT. 

Yeah, i've considered that too, and i ain't a knight in shining armor, not anymore. there are no local groups in this area for things like this.. This country is not very good in this kind of matters so yeah.She is not the first girl to vent to me about her relationship problems so it's not such a big deal, i'm used to it but this time i can say things got out a lil way TOO FREAKING MUCH out of control. I can still be her friend if that will help her, meanwhile i will not wait around for her to grow up and stuff, If the situation arises i will enter a relationship and all will be ok, I've pretty much thought to most of the things u have said so.. anyways , thank you for your insight,i'm gonna wait for more answers to decide what i shall do next.

[Amethyst68]

30 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

I'm aware of that. The emotional involvement only started this last few months so i can't say it was a trouble, i'm talking with lots of ppl actually no matter the age but i i've never had involvement(emotional/sexual etc.) with underage girls,  and yeah in a few years maybe the things will change a lil bit, It could only blow up if i would be actually stupid and try to have sex with a girl under 18 years, which i am not, i'm pretty much against pedobears so u get the point 

If I was a parent of a young teenage girl and found out a man in his 20s had been emailing for years you can bet your life there'd be trouble. Do you think her parents will care that in your mind it's never been emotional? If you do you're being extremely naive.

 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

24 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

If I was a parent of a young teenage girl and found out a man in his 20s had been emailing for years you can bet your life there'd be trouble. Do you think her parents will care that in your mind it's never been emotional? If you do you're being extremely naive.

 

How old are you tho?  I talk with ppl all kinds of ages ranges from 14 to 50 or even more. So i dont really see what s the problem with that as long as it s just talking

[mark clemson]

32 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

How old are you tho?  I talk with ppl all kinds of ages ranges from 14 to 50 or even more. So i dont really see what s the problem with that as long as it s just talking

1 hour ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

 i'm pretty much against pedobears so u get the point 

Pretty much?

I think you need to be more honest with yourself. You say you're against pedophilia, but you concede that you're in an EA with a 17 year old and also here you are chatting up 14 y.o.'s.

I think your current avatar pic is a bit telling. Perhaps this was unconscious on your part? I also think many folks would view what you're doing with this gal as a form of grooming. She's clearly a very vulnerable young lady and you, a substantially older person, have cultivated an emotional bond with her.

You've told her (correctly) that she needs to leave her BF. She could but won't, that's ultimately on her, and that's all you need to know.

I think you need to end this and also take a good long look in the mirror. Cut out any chatting with teenagers, focus your attention on those of an appropriate age, and possibly consider getting some help.

 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Pretty much?

I think you need to be more honest with yourself. You say you're against pedophilia, but you concede that you're in an EA with a 17 year old and also here you are chatting up 14 y.o.'s.

I think your current avatar pic is a bit telling. Perhaps this was unconscious on your part? I also think many folks would view what you're doing with this gal as a form of grooming. She's clearly a very vulnerable young lady and you, a substantially older person, have cultivated an emotional bond with her.

You've told her (correctly) that she needs to leave her BF. She could but won't, that's ultimately on her, and that's all you need to know.

I think you need to end this and also take a good long look in the mirror. Cut out any chatting with teenagers, focus your attention on those of an appropriate age, and possibly consider getting some help.

 

I talk with boys girls, women and men of all ages, my age older, younger, it's just chatting and not nothing more i think u guys are too judgemental about this one, i did not come here to argue with anyone . i'm not the only one who told her to leave him, her friends, her cousin who is very close to her and etc. Even if she would not end up with me in the end it's her choice, i can't force on anyone, i just want her to be happy with someone who appreciates her for who she is. You think i'll just "manipulate" her into leaving him so i can hop in and get in relationship with her? Please reread what i wrote above, i am old enough on this board to know better than to act on low impulses in the heat of a moment, Jesus some of u guys really need to take off ur judgement glasses off, you're not doing anyone any favor ok? I even told her cousin about everything that happened and he is like her older brother and he tries to take care of her, i told him that i think she is hitting on me and what should i do, if i should keep talk to her and he said i should not stop talking with her coz i can influence her in a good direction, so no i did not stop talking to her coz i'm actually trying to help her, if she won't listen to me or anyone, then that is her problem and her problem alone, she will hit her head and learn (i hope) otherwise i don't see why i should try to hurt her again after i said all these times i'm gonna stand by her side no matter what.. you should try to use that thing u got which is called Empathy , please? Talking with someone from a psychological point of view is actually very interesting, i like to see how people evolve or devolve over time, it's a hobby of mine and now im being judged for it :)) i don't really get your point. It's kinda amusing if u look at this situation objectively, amusing but weird yeah, ah well, what can i say? if u guys say i'm not normal for being like this then i agree, u're not the first ones to tell me this and definitely not the last. If i decide i must cut all contact with her then i will do it, i will see how the situation continues and will know.

[mark clemson]

I would point out that many pedophiles were aiding their victims in some ostensible way. Those coaches and olympic doctors were also helping them achieve their goals, etc.

Just stop forming emotional connections with minors and all the judgement glasses will come off. Shouldn't be too hard, but if it is get some help...

[Notagainplease]

2 hours ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

Yeah, i've considered that too, and i ain't a knight in shining armor, not anymore. there are no local groups in this area for things like this.. This country is not very good in this kind of matters so yeah.She is not the first girl to vent to me about her relationship problems so it's not such a big deal, i'm used to it but this time i can say things got out a lil way TOO FREAKING MUCH out of control. I can still be her friend if that will help her, meanwhile i will not wait around for her to grow up and stuff, If the situation arises i will enter a relationship and all will be ok, I've pretty much thought to most of the things u have said so.. anyways , thank you for your insight,i'm gonna wait for more answers to decide what i shall do next.

I understand, I think and it is true that in this day and age, it is very easy to chat and get acquainted with a lot of people online. Even though you also met offline, but in groups if I read that correctly. The risky part here, I think, is more that you continue to be attached to her emotionally if you do hang around as her friend. I know such girls very well as I used to be one myself. I had a best friend like you too, who always hung by, always hoping that one day I would see his worth and ditch the problematic boyfriends and convert, so to speak. It never happened. He hung around for years and years until one day, he had enough. Told me in no uncertain terms that for his own wellbeing, he had to cut all contact. My 26 year old self back then was.... offended! Upset. I now see what an utter spoiled brat I was. Because he was right. Even though I've known this guy throughout my childhood, and as so many here already wrote, leaned on him to get through problematic relationships with more exciting bad boys, his attachment to me always held him back in life and in love. 

It is very chivalrous to try to remain her friend now and it is understandable that you may think that not much harm is done for you to hang around, until someone else comes along. But do not underestimate the psychological effect it will have on you to stay hanging around her and her toxic relationship (and therefor energy). If I were in your shoes, I would put up clear boundaries; tell her there are no hard feelings but that she has to deal with her own relationship now and if she is ever single and free to do as she pleases again, she can contact you again. And not a day sooner. 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

6 minutes ago, Notagainplease said:

I understand, I think and it is true that in this day and age, it is very easy to chat and get acquainted with a lot of people online. Even though you also met offline, but in groups if I read that correctly. The risky part here, I think, is more that you continue to be attached to her emotionally if you do hang around as her friend. I know such girls very well as I used to be one myself. I had a best friend like you too, who always hung by, always hoping that one day I would see his worth and ditch the problematic boyfriends and convert, so to speak. It never happened. He hung around for years and years until one day, he had enough. Told me in no uncertain terms that for his own wellbeing, he had to cut all contact. My 26 year old self back then was.... offended! Upset. I now see what an utter spoiled brat I was. Because he was right. Even though I've known this guy throughout my childhood, and as so many here already wrote, leaned on him to get through problematic relationships with more exciting bad boys, his attachment to me always held him back in life and in love. 

It is very chivalrous to try to remain her friend now and it is understandable that you may think that not much harm is done for you to hang around, until someone else comes along. But do not underestimate the psychological effect it will have on you to stay hanging around her and her toxic relationship (and therefor energy). If I were in your shoes, I would put up clear boundaries; tell her there are no hard feelings but that she has to deal with her own relationship now and if she is ever single and free to do as she pleases again, she can contact you again. And not a day sooner. 

thank you, i know exactly how this feels , i'm not exactly sure how to proceed yet, i need some time to think. yeah she indeed was "offended" the first time i tried to cut contact with her and stop talking, u are pretty much right about this. A close friend of mine who knows the situation told me to slowly back off also.. i think this is where it is truly going this..EA. How should i proceed telling her this without hurting her too much?

[Notagainplease]

Unless you think there is a risk that she gets a psychiatric meltdown when you withdraw from the friendship, I wouldn't personally sugarcoat it. She is the one in the luxury position here, keeping two men at a string, even if she doesn't intent to do so. There is nothing wrong with being clear and straight about your feelings. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. If you want distance for now, you can just explain it to her like that. Like you explain it to everybody else here. That you do not want to get too emotionally attached to her while she is in a relationship with another man. You tried to help her get over him, but it clearly didn't work, so you do not want to be dragged in too deep in all that stuff. If she is single, you can patch things up, but for now it is better for you to get some distance from her, because you care too much for her at this point. There are two people in this friendship, it's not only about her, and you need to deal with your feelings and needs here (because let's face it: other won't, they battle for their own best interests. You need to stick up for you). 

[mark clemson]

You don't have to tell her. Just do a slow fade without saying anything. You'll remain a "friend" that she rarely communicates with. Nothing at all uncommon in our world of social media, etc.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

You don't have to tell her. Just do a slow fade without saying anything. You'll remain a "friend" that she rarely communicates with. Nothing at all uncommon in our world of social media, etc.

Slowly ghosting.. Pwff

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, Notagainplease said:

Unless you think there is a risk that she gets a psychiatric meltdown when you withdraw from the friendship, I wouldn't personally sugarcoat it. She is the one in the luxury position here, keeping two men at a string, even if she doesn't intent to do so. There is nothing wrong with being clear and straight about your feelings. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. If you want distance for now, you can just explain it to her like that. Like you explain it to everybody else here. That you do not want to get too emotionally attached to her while she is in a relationship with another man. You tried to help her get over him, but it clearly didn't work, so you do not want to be dragged in too deep in all that stuff. If she is single, you can patch things up, but for now it is better for you to get some distance from her, because you care too much for her at this point. There are two people in this friendship, it's not only about her, and you need to deal with your feelings and needs here (because let's face it: other won't, they battle for their own best interests. You need to stick up for you). 

If only she wouldn't have done the step of telling me she fell in love with me.. All would be good now and we wouldve still be friends.. She now says she regrets doing that but could we at least try to become friendly again and if that doesn't work i should cut it all out? 

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

Slowly ghosting.. Pwff

A slow fade is not ghosting. You can still support her if/when she reaches out for that. Slowly she will (presumably) develop other coping strategies and no longer need you. Ghosting is abrupt ending of comms.

 

10 hours ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

this is exactly the reason why i wanted to stop all contact with her, but ah well, ..

It sounds like you were leaning towards ending contact anyhow, if you weren't so emotionally entangled. The sensible part of your brain wanted that, I imagine.

A slow fade is a reasonable way to do this IMO.