I feel like the Other Man

[Notagainplease]

42 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

If only she wouldn't have done the step of telling me she fell in love with me.. All would be good now and we wouldve still be friends.. She now says she regrets doing that but could we at least try to become friendly again and if that doesn't work i should cut it all out? 

If she really is in love with you, your absence may make her realize this all the more. 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

A slow fade is not ghosting. You can still support her if/when she reaches out for that. Slowly she will (presumably) develop other coping strategies and no longer need you. Ghosting is abrupt ending of comms.

 

It sounds like you were leaning towards ending contact anyhow, if you weren't so emotionally entangled. The sensible part of your brain wanted that, I imagine.

A slow fade is a reasonable way to do this IMO.

Yes.. I kept heading to the slow fade step..  It's just so hard coz i ended up caring about her deeply .recently we found out that her dad and my mom were good friends when they were young.. This makes me feel quite weird. So freaking ..bizarre. My mind is conflicted atm. How to step away from someone u care about.. I have no idea why i keep attracting this kind of women. Maybe i m the problem

Edited August 19, 2020 by AdamantyumKrystal

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 minute ago, Notagainplease said:

If she really is in love with you, your absence may make her realize this all the more. 

I ve thought about that too.. But believe im scared to do it. What if i lose her forever and the friendship i have with her will die conpletely? She is not a bad person.. I feel it .she is just confused and immature. I wasnt brighter when i was at that age also.. I understand her

[mark clemson]

4 minutes ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

How to step away from someone u care about.. I have no idea why i keep attracting this kind of women.

Possibly it's because you enjoy the role of supportive counselor.  Frankly there are plenty of women out there making bad decisions and/or with controlling or abusive men who can use a friendly ear to help them process things. Possibly you have learned that being supportive is one way "into a woman's heart" and are following a behavior pattern that you know and has worked to establish (one form of) a relationship. 

But ultimately, I think what you'll really want is an unattached woman who can be yours, not to be linked in an EA with some woman you can't have or that isn't choosing you. So that would be the way to go IMO.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Possibly it's because you enjoy the role of supportive counselor.  Frankly there are plenty of women out there making bad decisions and/or with controlling or abusive men who can use a friendly ear to help them process things. Possibly you have learned that being supportive is one way "into a woman's heart" and are following a behavior pattern that you know and has worked to establish (one form of) a relationship. 

But ultimately, I think what you'll really want is an unattached woman who can be yours, not to be linked in an EA with some woman you can't have or that isn't choosing you. So that would be the way to go IMO.

Lord help me i dont wanna use this to get to a woman s heart. If wouldve known my behaviour would make her develop feelings for me i wouldve shut the hell up and back away but now i feel its too late. Im gonna have to do something about it. I dont know yet what. Thank u guys for the kind words.. I rlly appreciate thiss

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like she confides in you because she has trouble with her family and bf.

[Crazelnut]

You can't be friends with someone who said they're in love with you. You can't be friends with someone who uses you as an emotional tampon. You can't go back to being just friends with her.

And you can't save her. She has to want to be saved, and she has to do it herself.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like she confides in you because she has trouble with her family and bf.

yea.. it's .. sad.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

You can't be friends with someone who said they're in love with you. You can't be friends with someone who uses you as an emotional tampon. You can't go back to being just friends with her.

And you can't save her. She has to want to be saved, and she has to do it herself.

exactly what i've told her but she keeps insisting we can be friends. hate to admit but i've let her use me as an emotional tampon, i was stupid and now im paying for it. Am i being manipulated by a 17 old girl? this is embarassing.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

everytime i try to slowly fade and depart from her she notices something is wrong and asks me why im distant and stuff like that, i don't even know how to withdraw myself without making her feel alone again and without hurting myself also 😐 

[Crazelnut]

You just reiterate what you've already told her and end the "friendship." Yes, she will be hurt, but you can't lrt her manipulate you into doing what you know is wrong.  You're the adult here, so act like it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

She told you she was in love in with you? At 17, she doesn't even know what love is yet, dude. 

You are fooling yourself if you think this kid is going to be the woman of your dreams. She's not even legally an adult yet, by most definitions of the word. Emotionally, she is years away from being able to have the sort of relationship you're probably looking for. That's normal at 17, but it's not wise for you at 25 to be latching yourself onto someone this young. She has so much yet to learn about life as evidenced by her own poor choices here. You're a chapter in her story, but you're not the guy she will ride off into the sunset with. He will be someone she meets when she's grown and matured more. 

Leave her be. Reflect on why you are chasing after someone who's this far out of your peer group. Do you have difficulty relating to women closer to your own age?

[Wiseman2]

You have an unhealthy crush on a teenager. It's unfair to be a confidant when she sees you as an older sibling figure and you see her as something to lust after. You need to date girls your own age. Also stick to girls at least 18.

[Notagainplease]

17 hours ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

everytime i try to slowly fade and depart from her she notices something is wrong and asks me why im distant and stuff like that, i don't even know how to withdraw myself without making her feel alone again and without hurting myself also 😐 

If you are going to wait for her to approve of you withdrawing from her, you can wait a long long time. It's clear what she wants: she wants to keep you in her life as a shoulder to lean on. So be prepared for a whole array of gentle (or not so gentle) manipulation techniques. From getting upset to getting sad to getting argumentative. But at the end of the day, you do not need her giving you the green light to do what is necessary for yourself. And if you explain it in a rational, reasonable manner there is nothing to be afraid of. If she decides to get upset about it, that is up to her. You have done nothing wrong if you stand up for yourself and your needs. Don't feed into any possible princess syndromes with her. 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

I've tried today to end it and she wouldn't let me, she said that this will hurt me and eventually hurt her too coz i am in pain and she feels me.. last time i tried it that's how it happened, but i believe this time i can keep up to NC and totally ignore her and not going back.Why is it so hard to distance myself from her i dont know 😐 But somehow i must do it for my own sake or i'm gonna lose my damn mind soon.

Edited August 20, 2020 by AdamantyumKrystal

[ExpatInItaly]

Nobody can “not let you” end a relationship.

You are in control of your own choices. You don’t need her endorsement to walk away. Of course she will try to stop you, because you currently serve a purpose in her life. But you need a backbone. You don’t have to play the role of emotional crutch and ego-fluffier to her, 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, AdamantyumKrystal said:

 i am in pain and she feels me.. 

A 25 y/o should be using a teenager as a therapist.

[Crazelnut]

Oh, puhleeeze. You know what the right thing to do is. Find your spine and DO IT. Nobody "lets you" do anything. You need to stay NC from her before her BF beats the crap out of you.

[Crazelnut]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

A 25 y/o should be using a teenager as a therapist.

I think you mean should NOT?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I think you mean should NOT?

lol

[AdamantyumKrystal]

GUYS I DID IT! 

I talked to her for a couple of hours today and we clarified things.It was harsh in the beginning of the convo coz she looked pretty upsed and mad over my decision.I explained her that i have come to a stage of saturation where i cannot keep doing this.. i cannot take part in this situation anymore.My love for her is strong and it hurts me to be friends with her while she is in a relationship,She acted all tough and cold for like the first 15 minutes but after that she started to melt and be affectious again.. 

 

Long story short ,after the arguments ended we sobbed and cried togheder for the rest of the day.i think we spent like 3 or 4 hours crying thru the video calls and hugging the phones everytime one of us was crying, i know i know, it's pathethic but we couldn't hug eachother so we had to improvise.. what other way than to hug the phone?

 

I have to admit at one point i became really affected by the way she was bursting in tears, she couldn't control herself at all, i asked what to do to make this easier for her? after that i told her that if i would be there i would hug her really tight to make her feel better, she replied "i would love that too but i wouldn't want you to go away".

I explained to her that we cannot keep doing this while she is in this "RELATIONs***" ,that's exactly how i called it. ^_^ coz that's what it is. And i've told her that we will talk again when she will be single and free and we will not have to feel guilty anymore for our love.

She told me she understands me and that she accepts my decision,I've apologised to all i have put her thru, she did the same to me and told me she deserves all the pain i've inflicted on her... i was like 😐 ??????????????? and told her i did not wish to cause her pain and that i don't ever want to make her cry again and suffer coz of my weakness, so i've told her i will not come back again, she must contact me when she will be single , but until then no more cheating.

 

We cried so much our tears exhausted.. right now in the evening before we ended we told eachother "I love you deeply" "Take care of yourself " and "We wil be ok and go thru this".

 

So we ended this on good terms.. too good terms actually, she told me she loves me and wishes for me to be happy and i told her that i love her too and i wish her well aswell.

After hours of crying and hugging and kissing thru the phone we finally ended it..

I must say it hurt in the beginning when she was cold and mean but after everything that happened afterwards..I feel relieved.. and i feel at peace... I think i will cry some more the days to come, and i think she will too. 

I don't understand why must 2 people must part ways and stop talking because they love eachother too much and can't stay friends because of ..Love -_- , I don't know how this will turn out, if their relationship will end and we will finally be able to be togheder or if they will last , or if meanwhile something would happen and i would enter a relationship and move on from her but.. Right now i feel peaceful.. i feel happy, I know i did the right thing, It would've hurt us too much to stay friends while being so madly in love,I will miss her so much..she said she already misses me too, She got very emotional and said all kind of stuff which lend me the upper hand, she opened herself for me to hurt her.. i don't know why she would do that but i clarified that i love her and would never hurt her.. 

 

With all of this being said... I've cut contact with this girl coz we loved eachother too much and could not stay friends because of this..We tried over and over again but we always ended up on loving eachother even more.. the Love i felt from her today was overwhelming. it reached straight into my heart.. I don't know if this is manipulation.. Doesn't seem like to me. I must go to sleep now coz i am very tired.. also it's my second day of water fasting and i intend to keep it up some more days, i will return tomorrow or soon enough with more details..AS hard as this "breakup" hurt, it had to be done.. It had to be DONE -_- ... this is the right thing to do even if it makes us both feel alone.. God forgive me but i love her entirely..I'm in pain but also im happy, I hope i did the right thing.. please don't be harsh on me this time i'm only trying to cope and spill my soul out,

 

We must go on and be strong ..

[Notagainplease]

Well done. It is hard when you have such strong feelings for her, but good of you to have told her where you stand in all this and to put up boundaries. You cannot wish someone into giving up her abusive boyfriend for you, unless she wants to herself. Your absence may trigger the realization in her that she rather has you in her life than him. Because you didn't part with a fight and because she knows how you feel about her, she can make her own decision. I bet she is afraid for the unknown. Afraid to let go of what she knows (even if that is not all good, in the case of her bf), but she has to make her own decisions in life. In the meantime, you really should try to focus on other things and other people most of all. Everything you feed becomes bigger in life, so stop dedicating so much energy and thought to her. That should be your next step probably; distract yourself, cut the oxygen off of this obsession and give it time. Patience is key.

Oh and of course, stick to NC!

 

[AdamantyumKrystal]

SOOOO, LONG STORY SHORT!!!

 

The next day after i cut contact with her she called me and told me she is single and asked me what are we? 

I answered her: What do you want us to be? She said that i know what she wants , so I said, let's be togheter then! (it wouldve suck to just tell her we are friends).

So yeah, she pretty much left that guy for me. Which is not so bad coz she had to leave him anyways.Even if she wouldnt have choose me she still wouldve had to leave him.

Anywayyyyyz, in these two months her "mask" started to fade.. and her true nature revealed....She is the most controlling & manipulative & remorseless girl i've had in my life till now. 

She is literally obssesed with control, OBSSESSED! yesterday i had work to do and did not bring my phone with me, i ve let my phone at home and when i returned and checked my phone i had literally 25-30 missed calls from her. She called me like desperate, wtf man. She is bat s*** crazy, literally.(schizo spectrum).

We have 2 months togheder. The last 2 months were aggresive man, she picked a lot of fights gradually, mostly coz i'm pretty independent and don't like being controlled , as she is obssesed with control this seemed to be a huge problem for her so she used all kind of threats and manipulations to make me submit to her will, which of course did not happen coz as i said, i do not like being controlled.

I started reading on psychopathy again and manipulation field in psychology coz she pretty much   displayed all of these red flags which started to annoy me lately and i don't like being annoyed by a 18 year old girl. Oh well , to my least surprise she displays too many traits of psychopathy and jeez, it's scary sometimes coz i didn't expect her to be so controlling, i knew before our relationship she displays strong traits but i had no clue she is such controlling psycho at this young age. 

 

Well anyways, now that i've seen how things really are.... I know what i must do, no more mr gentleman . now im gonna be mr. DoAsIsay or u become miss GetOutOfMyLife.

I had been too soft on her, i've let her do everything she wanted and she got too cocky and narcissistic. So now im gonna turn the page and tell her she has to change if she wants to be with me or i leave her .  When we we're being just friends she was very kind and seemed like such a nice girl, now that was a mask, now that the mask has fallen off, she behaves like a witch. oh did i mention? Her mother is a sociopath and her grandma was supposedly a witch. Pretty nice combo ayy????

She now has 2 choices. She either does everything i say or she becomes a single narcissist. Just recently i've found her weak spot and i'm gonna press it everytime i need to, no matter how many times she cries and tries to victimise herself. I've cried too many times for her and it was in vain, Now it's her turn.

If u guys think i'm being too rough or anything please don't reply here, First read and document yourself on the subject of female psychopathy then come and defend her but until then please don't try to take her side. I've studied 3 years on the subject of psychopathy and i devoured every information i've got in this field, i've still have much to learn , it's true but in 3 years i pretty much learned a lot. 

Ill be back with more info, for now wish me luck in my "war"! 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Dude, this is a mess. 

You are far too old for her, and you both display remarkable emotional immaturity. It makes sense at her age, but at yours? You're too old for this nonsense.  

It's going to end in a spectacular garbage fire, but since you also have unhealthy relationship habits and an odd sense of arrogance and self-righteousness, I suspect you will stick around until she leaves you for someone else. 

[basil67]

Oh dear, you're giving her so much power.   Instead of just walking away with your head held high, you're planning to become a control freak - all because of her actions.   You could ruin your own reputation just for someone who you describe as a psychopath.   Is she really worth it?