Second chance for a guy with personal issue

[dktz]

This is my first post. 

 

Im 34 and she is 29. We've been together for 6 years. I'm from France she's from Ukraine. So it's a long distance relationship. We met at least about every 2 months or more. Sometimes we stay in the flat we share for long period of time. Traveled together. Last time we met in real life was January due to covid but we communicated daily. 

We didn't exactly broke up. She took the decision to make a pause for 6 months. 

But its better i explain everything. 

She end up in a nervous break because of me. Her therapist actually suggested this pause. During this 6 month it is allowed to date other person and unfortunately even its unlikely could she find good man she could stay with him. 

Her nervous breakdown are also due to the situation. The covid. She works as a pharmacist in hospital. There is war in Ukraine and she havent seen her family for 2 years. But i acknowledge im a big reason. 

But February 1st is the check point to be able to see if i progressed. 

I have some strong self esteem problems. Had problems in my childhood  with parents who didn't show love. But also bad things that happened. It programed my mind to prevemt having good communication, friends, express feelings. I could write tons about my self problems but in our relationship i was giving care but wrong care like gift only. Rarely said i love you. Never listened to her, telling my feelings. To sum up she didn't feel safe or loved. I was receiving love but not giving or expressing. When started to speak about her it was always coming back to me and my problems. Or i like to shut mouth of other and speak about blabla or something else. The problem is me and is real. And i have also some similar problems of communication with other members of family. 

She was VERY patient and knew i could improve, believed in me. If she wouldn't have got the nervous breakdown it could have continue to make her unhappy . To be honest someone else would have left me after just 1 year. 

Other than my behavior and lack of feelings the relationship was good and we have everything in common. she expressed hope we had many plans. We were going to plan  to get married. But because of my lack of move i never took steps to get married. Since we are long distance we need organisaze papers for embassy. 

I really love her and realized it and missed a big part of the relationship if not the essence. Its love of my life i cant just let go. For me because of my problems i didnt realize this lack of love and attention Im just unable to express. I have scenario in my head of wjat i want to tell her, do.. but couldn't expres. Then it was mostly what i could like gifts. I was attentive to what she was speaking sometimes what she needed.. and gave her soon after as gift to make her happy.

Its true that in our family we never express care, hug brother, parents..While in her family its the opposite its like her best friends. 

I know the steps i must do and what she expect. I need therapy to solve my problems. She doesn't expect new man. She expects move, steps, progress. Also she know i dont have work. I have a  project that stays still for years. And live with my aunt because i cant take of myself. She just wamt to see things are moving. 

I really want to change and show her she was right to give a second chance. Im just afraid she might find someone else before even if it shows me its unlikely in 6 months but im afraid so i feel inside like a break up. Also we havent met since january. 

How are my chance i could improve? And do you guys know which kind of therapy might help? Or even coach. To be honest i didnt knows basis of relationship. When she spoke about feeling secure or safe i didnt even know before what she spoke about. Now i found out online. 

I hope it was not too long amd you understood everything i talked about. As i was saying i have communication problems. Dont hesitate if you need clarification. Thanks. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by dktz

[emprosnet7]

You should look for a psychologist that will help you with your issues. 

[d0nnivain]

Your psychological issues aren't the problem.  After 6 years you have done nothing to even get the papers you need for one of you to relocate so you two could have a proper relationship, not long distance, & possible get married.  You haven't proposed. 

The Covid happened.  You two were being kept apart.  In the hospital she saw all the death 1st hand.  It reminded her that life is short & the future is not guaranteed.  

Combined with all the regular stressors of life, she broke (or finally got strong enough depending on your perspective),  She decided that you, her & happily ever after was never gonna happen because you can't get out of your own way to commit to her.  You rarely said I love you & that chipped away pieces of her heart every day.  (I know I used to be her only I waited 10 years for the guy & as a result lost my child bearing years) There were probably other issues of which you were unaware.  

All in all, she's done.  She's too angry & dead inside toward you to hear you now or see any changes. 

Learn from your mistakes.  Be more expressive in your next relationship.  Make it a local one.  Do not drag things out for so long.  If it's good, commit.