I have enough of my friend who is still blaming me for missing her wedding 6 years ago

[CaraGrace]

So 6 years ago I went on a working holiday in another country with a friend (let's call her X here), and before we set off, one of our mutual friends (let's call her Y here) told us that she was getting married in that year end. In our original plan, the trip would only last for 6 months (though our visa was valid for a year), so we told Y that we would be able to come back for her wedding.

However, just 1 or 2 months into the trip, I found that 6 months were not enough for me to explore the country, and I decided that I would stay for the whole year to fully utilize the visa. I immediately informed and apologized to Y that I wouldn't be able to come back for her wedding, while by that year end X did come back for Y's wedding since she didn't plan to extend her stay like I did.

I knew Y was disappointed that I didn't attend her wedding, and I thought she had every right to be upset at me. And so I was prepared to take the blame whenever she brought this up. So in these years, there have already been a few times that she brought this up and called me out for not keeping my promise in front of other people, and saying X is a better friend because she kept her promise. I put up with whatever she said but what I didn't expect is that already 6 years later now, she would still bring this up. Few months ago when we were meeting up at her new home and looking through some of her photo albums, including her wedding album, she again brought this up by saying, "Oh I think you haven't seen these photos yet since you didn't come to my wedding. You didn't keep your promise like X did."

Every time she says things like that, I don't talk back or respond. I just let her say what she wants to say since I know it was my "fault" that I didn't come back, but still, I don't feel the need to apologize AGAIN since I ALREADY DID. And I had even sent her gifts on her wedding day even though I was not there. 

I don't know what she wants by still bringing this up. Does she want a formal verbal apology or just want to make me look bad and feel guilty in front of all other people? I think I have told her why I couldn't come back, but maybe I haven't made it clear enough to her. If I have to make it 100% clear, firstly that trip was a hard-earned dream-come-true for me. I spent 5 years saving up money and I also quit my job to be able to go on a journey like that. It was a big decision to make at that time. And secondly, I couldn't really afford to pay over USD1000 for a roundtrip flight ticket just to come back for her wedding and then go back to my trip - it just didn't make sense to do so, not to mention her wedding was just a 2-hour ceremony and reception with no dinner or party to follow.

And most importantly, that journey was and still is the most important experience/event in my life. If I have to rate the importance, I would rate that journey even more important than my own wedding (I nearly broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, my now husband, just to stay there to go on with the trip). I know to her, her wedding was the biggest thing ever. But what else could I do when it just happened to be clashing with the biggest dream in my life too. There was nothing more I could do than sending her my blessings while missing her wedding.

I think I have been considering her feelings and let her blame me for my absence during all these years. But 6 years now! Enough is enough. Why wouldn't she also step into my shoes and understand why I chose to go on with my trip over attending her wedding? If she is a true friend, she should also be happy to see me realizing my dream too, even though it means I missed her wedding. 

What would you say to her the next time she brings this up, if you were me? 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, CaraGrace said:

What would you say to her the next time she brings this up, if you were me? 

I can be curt so what would probably pop out of my mouth would be something snarky like "It's been 6 years.  I apologized.  Get over it already."  

She may be teasing.  Coincidently, I was talking to my old college roommate yesterday & she was re-hashing some of what happened to her the year I got married, as it's impacting something that is going on now.  She was unable to attend my wedding.  I understood & certainly didn't resent her choice, although I was disappointed at the time.  Still I poked fun at her blowing me off during our conversation  yesterday. 

If you really want to preserve the friendship, find a quiet moment & broach the subject quietly & diplomatically.  do not use text or email to do this.  Face to face  or phone would be best. Open with yet another verbal apology but immediately segue into her most recent jabs & how you feel like she's intentionally trying to embarrass you / hurt you when she brings it up, especially in front of others.  Ask how you two can moved past this for the sake of your friendship.  Then after you work through a solution if she brings it up again, bite her head off & write the friendship off.  

[ShyViolet]

It was perfectly reasonable of you not to go to her wedding, given the circumstances.  if she brings it up again, if I were you, I would say something really blunt like "it's been 6 years.  I've already apologized.  It's time to let this go.... DO NOT bring this up again."  And if she brought it up again after that, I might just stop being friends with her, because this is just ridiculous.

[Wiseman2]

Aren't weddings about invitations, not subpoenas? 

[basil67]

Is this the same friend you mentioned here?   The timeline of the wedding matches

 

[Emilie Jolie]

16 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

Does she want a formal verbal apology

Probably, yes. Sounds like it's an unresolved issue for her, and addressing it straightforwardly may be the only way for her to move past it.

You obviously both still value this friendship, as you are still in regular contact, so it's worth talking to her in person, even if you did send in your apologies from abroad straight away 6 years ago - maybe she'll be swayed by a genuine gesture of good will. 

 

 

[CaraGrace]

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She may be teasing.  Coincidently, I was talking to my old college roommate yesterday & she was re-hashing some of what happened to her the year I got married, as it's impacting something that is going on now.  She was unable to attend my wedding.  I understood & certainly didn't resent her choice, although I was disappointed at the time.  Still I poked fun at her blowing me off during our conversation  yesterday. 

I agree with your suggestion that I should talk this through with her next time, since I don't feel like she understands why I missed her wedding. I don't remember how detailed the reasons I've told her 6 years ago, but certainly I didn't go in depth about how important that trip was to me, and I didn't mention the cost of flight tickets to her either, cos I didn't want to tell her straight that I thought it didn't worth the money to fly back for her wedding.. but if she wants an answer or closure, that's one of the things I am going to tell her frankly.

But about the teasing, in your personal example I don't see any hostility in it, I can tell you were really just poking fun at your friend. But in my friend's case, I can tell there is resentment or hostility in her words. Even though she said it in a soft tone as usual (she is the kind of girl who acts cutesy and talks in baby voice) and she even pouted when she said it, but all these were only making her seem more innocent and making me the bad guy. And almost every time, she compared me with X and said X was a better friend. These are some of the things that make me really uncomfortable, especially almost every time when she brought this up, we were with some other friends, and that also made it even harder for me to try to explain or even apologize to her, since she has already made the scene so embarrassing... And honestly I just found it so stressful to be around her since I don't know when she is going to say this kind of thing and embarrass me again in front of other people... 

[CaraGrace]

15 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It was perfectly reasonable of you not to go to her wedding, given the circumstances.  if she brings it up again, if I were you, I would say something really blunt like "it's been 6 years.  I've already apologized.  It's time to let this go.... DO NOT bring this up again."  And if she brought it up again after that, I might just stop being friends with her, because this is just ridiculous.

This is something that I've always wanted to do but always failed... cos I am the kind of person who is like having a filter and always thinks so thoroughly before speaking so as to avoid hurting anyone's feeling. But now I think with her, if I continue to be so considerate and careful about my words, she would just think that I stay silent because she is right, and so she would just keep doing it again and again cos that makes her feel good..

[Acacia98]

On 8/19/2020 at 7:21 PM, CaraGrace said:

What would you say to her the next time she brings this up, if you were me? 

Personally, I have a question for you: were you supposed to be in the wedding party? Because, if you were, that would explain her grudge against you. But, having said that, I think it's pointless to remain friends with someone if you're going to hold a grudge against them for eternity. She should have ended your friendship a long time ago if your failure to attend her wedding was so unforgivable.

What would I tell her if I were you? Absolutely nothing. You see, I don't have much patience for passive aggression. I would have exited the scene a long time ago.

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is this the same friend you mentioned here?   The timeline of the wedding matches

Yes, the same friend.. so blaming me for missing her wedding is only one of the things that have been bothering me.. I feel like she has been finding every single opportunity to put me down or embarrass me and she has no filter in whatsoever she says in whatsoever occasion..

[Ruby Slippers]

She needs to let it go. 

Next time she brings it up, I'd say, "I'm sorry I didn't make it to your wedding. Can you accept my apology now and stop bringing it up?"

[CaraGrace]

45 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Personally, I have a question for you: were you supposed to be in the wedding party?

I was not in the wedding party, neither me nor X (the friend who went on the trip with me and also made it to her wedding).

Her wedding was a small scale ceremony and reception, all I know is her sister was her MOH and she has no bridesmaids. I don't know if she originally planned to have me and X to be in her wedding party, but didn't ask us after she knew we were going to working holiday. If I was in the wedding party, I might have handled it a little differently.

But anyway, I think after all, we are not the kind of best friends who view each other's wedding as a very big thing that we would put in the 1st priority, though we are friends of over 20 years... I mean on my wedding, she cared more about what she's wearing, where her seat was etc... and she even complained to me right into my face about her seat while I was the bride and was so busy making sure everything was alright and stick to schedule etc. that I hadn't eaten anything for the whole night... I mean, she was in my wedding party and she was supposed to help... and she really has no filter and doesn't care about other people's feeling whatsoever...

Edited August 20, 2020 by CaraGrace

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Probably, yes. Sounds like it's an unresolved issue for her, and addressing it straightforwardly may be the only way for her to move past it.

Yes, I probably would formally apologize next time but also tell her my side of the story and hope she can respect my choice. I don't think if she was in my position, she would sacrifice her biggest dream in life (not to mention paying USD1000 flight tickets) for someone else's wedding. 

But I know I am not going to get apology for all the hurtful/insulting/inconsiderate comments and words she has been making and saying to me over these years...

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

But I know I am not going to get apology for all the hurtful/insulting/inconsiderate comments and words she has been making and saying to me over these years...

And you shouldn't have to. 

What you're suggesting (ie a good faith apology in the hope that it would be the end of it) is perfectly reasonable. It's up to her to meet you half-way, draw a line in the sand and stop with the passive aggressive, childish comments. It'll be a good way to gauge how solid your friendship actually is. 

[basil67]

But even if you resolve the wedding thing, do you really want to keep her as a friend?   Putting up with all the aggravation must get so tiresome

 

[CaraGrace]

20 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

And you shouldn't have to. 

What you're suggesting (ie a good faith apology in the hope that it would be the end of it) is perfectly reasonable. It's up to her to meet you half-way, draw a line in the sand and stop with the passive aggressive, childish comments. It'll be a good way to gauge how solid your friendship actually is. 

Thanks for your advice, I hope I am mature enough to do that and not to become just like her...

[CaraGrace]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

But even if you resolve the wedding thing, do you really want to keep her as a friend?   Putting up with all the aggravation must get so tiresome

 

This is exactly what is bothering me... cos what's going on between us is not a single incident.. not only the wedding thing, but also all the other judgemental and passive aggressive things she's been saying to me...

Actually we haven't been meeting up for half a year now due to the covid-19 and social distancing measures... but we did have more conversations on our whatsapp group in the past months and she even called me twice to chat... maybe this is why I am getting increasingly annoyed because I find it hard to hold a conversation with her without being triggered by her... She has the ability to turn the littliest thing into some judgemental comments or implication... for example one time when I said I bought a new vaccum cleaner, she would be saying, "wow that's expensive, you are such a rich housewife!".

Saying someone is a "rich housewife" is basically saying she gets money from her husband without working hard herself.. I think she was saying this on purpose just to imply that I'm the kind of woman who asks the husband for money to buy new stuff, even though I actually paid for my own stuff mostly. I mean, when she talked about the new stuff she got and when the conversation was simply about whether that product was good or worth buying, I never would steer the conversation and make judgemental comments like that. I don't know why she has to keep saying things like that for 5 to 6 years now ever since I quit my full time job and became a freelancer (and I'm not a housewife, period). I just don't know which part of it she has a problem with that she has to keep nagging me on that... (and the wedding thing also of course)...

Edited August 21, 2020 by CaraGrace

[ShyViolet]

So then stop being friends with this person.  It doesn't make sense that you keep putting up with her rude behavior and all this aggravation.  

[CaraGrace]

And actually all these have been bothering me so much to a point that I haven't been talking with/responding to her for a few weeks now, I think she kind of sensed it too and she has also stopped texting me. Last week I was just posting on facebook saying how narrow-minded some employers are to not consider freelancers' working experience as "full-time employment/experience", that some people are still thinking if you don't have a "full-time job" then you're not working or doing anything at all... Many of my friends who know I work very hard on many different kinds of job as a freelancer left comments and agreed with my point, and then she left a comment saying, "If you really are working at least 5 days a week and 6 hours a day, or no less than 30 hours per week in total, or you even have to work around the clock as you say you are, then what you're doing is considered as a 'full-time' job, and you shouldn't have to worry about it."

And I didn't respond to her comment (while I did respond to other comments). I just kind of feel like her comment was doubting whether I really work as many hours as what is normally considered as working full-time, and implying I don't work as hard as I say. Honestly I really don't work 5 days a week regularly and I don't (and it's hard to) count my working hours. Sometimes when I have several jobs at a time, I really need to work around the clock, maybe for 1 or 2 weeks, but then I can take 1 or 2 weeks off. That is how it is, as a freelancer. But she only chooses to see the "fun" part of it, like when she sees me taking a whole week off, she would keep saying I don't actually have to work whatsoever because my husband pays for everything blah blah blah... I mean, I never judge how she works, how hard and how much she actually works etc.. I am just so sick of her judging me....

Edited August 21, 2020 by CaraGrace

[Ruby Slippers]

She definitely has an attitude problem. You can choose, as her friend, to try to talk about this with her or move on. I've always tried to talk disagreements with friends through before moving on, as that's what a good friend does. I'm certainly not perfect, and I rely on the people who care about me to check me if I'm doing something off-putting. 

You can tell her that X is making you feel Y, you value your friendship, and you'd appreciate her not doing X any more. If she's worth keeping as a friend, she'll consider what you're saying. She might get somewhat defensive, as that's human nature, but if you're kind yet firm, the message should get through.

[Acacia98]

Two things, CaraGrace:

1.  You care too much about this person's opinion. You have spent way too much energy explaining yourself to her, justifying yourself to her, protesting at her apparent contempt for your choices. She shouldn't have that much power over you. 

2. For all practical purposes, your friendship has ended. The only problem is that you seem reluctant to acknowledge it. 

[JTSW]

Dont apologise anymore. You've done it enough.

You need to be firm if she does it again.

She likes to call you put in front of others so you do the same.

Firmly tell her in front of other's that its been 6 years and her childish behavior needs to stop because its beyond ridiculous now.

You dont owe her anything. She knows why you couldn't make it.

A true friend would understand. She is not a true friend.

 

[Wiseman2]

You need to reset your social media privacy settings. You are posting TMI too publicly.

Why are you even allowing antagonistic people access?

Limit your public content and mute, block or unfriend people who annoy you.

Hop out of this litter box of frenemies.

[CaraGrace]

20 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

She definitely has an attitude problem. You can choose, as her friend, to try to talk about this with her or move on. I've always tried to talk disagreements with friends through before moving on, as that's what a good friend does. I'm certainly not perfect, and I rely on the people who care about me to check me if I'm doing something off-putting. 

You can tell her that X is making you feel Y, you value your friendship, and you'd appreciate her not doing X any more. If she's worth keeping as a friend, she'll consider what you're saying. She might get somewhat defensive, as that's human nature, but if you're kind yet firm, the message should get through.

Thanks, i will try to handle this more maturely~

[CaraGrace]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

Dont apologise anymore. You've done it enough.

You need to be firm if she does it again.

She likes to call you put in front of others so you do the same.

Firmly tell her in front of other's that its been 6 years and her childish behavior needs to stop because its beyond ridiculous now.

You dont owe her anything. She knows why you couldn't make it.

A true friend would understand. She is not a true friend.

 

I have refuted her false remark on me very directly in our last conversation. She didn't even answer back, she just dropped the subject immediately. I think maybe it kind of work at stopping her from throwing jabs at me, and let her know that I am now setting boundary. If she again brings up any of the wedding or housewife subjects against me, I think I would do the same.