BF is severely depressed not talking to me?

[Gemini3]

He has been barely talking to me for 1 week, before this week he was texting me as usual but was telling me how overwhelmed and depressed hes been feeling. This week has been different though, almost no communication other than maybe 1 text a day and then he will go a full day without speaking to me at all. 

He texted me saying, "I just had a fight with my dad, I cant stand it here, Im getting more & more depressed. This is why I love being in solitude, not speaking to anyone. It makes me feel safe away from anymore pain, or pain I could reflect onto others. At least until I figure myself out & begin feeling like me again. Its a work of art trying to fix myself."

I texted him back that I am here for him & that I was glad he told me how hes been feeling. I was very supportive in the response back to him, but I have no idea what he meant by that or how long this period of isolation is going to go on for? I didnt want to ask because I think that would backfire on me. So Im letting him have his space.He was telling me how hes been having thoughts of "offing" himself lately & how hes "over life" - we are both 28 by the way but he recently had to move in with his dad because of a financial issue, hes planning on moving out soon.

A friend of mine said maybe theres another woman involved. This really spiked my anxiety. I dont know what to do.

[basil67]

First things first, is your boyfriend getting help?    Does his doctor know what's going on?    If nothing else changes short term, he MUST get help because he's a high suicide risk.

Second, I have no idea why your friend would say that he's cheating.   Please dismiss this idea.

 

[Gemini3]

No he is not seeing a therapist or anything right now. The weekend is coming up and I'm nervous about whether or not we're even going to see each other because he might just end up ignoring me throughout the entire weekend. Last week we hung out thursday and friday, I spent the night. I didnt hear from him all day saturday because he was out with his guy friends. Then he said he thought he texted me but forgot. This is why my friend said maybe there's another woman and he's just using depression as an excuse to distance himself from me. The week before this, he was texting me a lot and laughing and joking with me.

But that long text he sent me about his dad yelling at him, being suicidal and not wanting to talk to anyone (the text was super long) seems legitimate. He has been expressing depression for the past 2 months, this week he has been the most silent he's ever been.

[basil67]

Suicide threats must always be taken seriously.  You need to tell someone what you know.    Does he have a mate who he will listen to?   How does he get on with his mother? 

How long have you been with him?   I'm wondering what history of behaviour you've seen.      

 

[Gemini3]

We have only been dating for 4 months so I'm not close with his friends or his parents to send them a message, I dont have their numbers. He mentioned the suicidal thoughts before, like 2 months ago, but he says things like "I wish I off'd myself long ago so that the people who have hurt me in my life (referring to his father who he says has always been abusive and they never get along) can feel the pain of losing me when they could have had the chance to treat me better but never did." So I thought ok he's just venting about how his dad treats him.

But then he mentioned it again with that long text. Yes he has said before that he struggles with depression, he also struggles with social anxiety and ADHD. I have anxiety so I can relate to him. He went through a major friendship loss 5 months ago right before I met him. This sparked the struggles hes been going through.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. 4 mos is enough time to get to know him and what you see is what you get.

If he's chronically moody and withdrawing you have a bumpy ride ahead.

It's not your job to fix him. He decided to move back home.

What you can do is distance yourself and reflect on whether you want someone like this dragging you down 

After 16 weeks dating you shouldn't play psychiatrist or have to listen to his maudlin ramblings.

He's fine enough to go party with friends you need to ask yourself why he's using you as the garbage receptical of his negativity.

At 16 weeks, most people are still having fun. It sounds like he wants to end the relationship, but wants someone to dump on when he can't handle the decision he's made to move back home.

[basil67]

I've got to be honest - it doesn't sound like he's in a fit state to be in a relationship.   While many of us have struggles in our lives, it's our responsibility to get ourselves sorted out and be the best we can be for a partner.   Your guy has a stack of things wrong and has done nothing to address it.    And he's behaving in a way which will only make your anxiety worse.

With the friendship loss, was it a death or more complicated?

Thinking about you now, sometimes we do relate to someone because we share the same issues.  Anxiety in your case.  But for you to be stable and a good relationship partner, you need to have the kind of guy who's stable and predictable.   Someone who's behaviours isn't going to send you in a spiral downwards.   

If you ride out this depressive phase with him, it's essential that you address it when he's stable again.   If I were you, I'd make it clear that I'd only continue with him if he seeks help.  Because if he doesn't get help, this will happen again.  And again.  And that's not a life you want to be living.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he's really capable of having a relationship right now, OP. 

He's got too  many personal issues that he's not really dealing with, and it's already causing problems between you two. Unless and until he gets help, you'll likely see this pattern repeat itself. He gets close, then he withdraws.

I'm not convinced there's another woman. It's always possible, but I don't think that's what's going on here. I think he genuinely can't handle the responsibilities and emotional connection that naturally come with a committed relationship, so he retreats from you. If he can't take care of himself, he really can't take care of a relationship very well either. Tending to your needs as his girlfriend is probably too much for him at this time even if you're not a demanding or needy person. Relationships come with a certain degree of expectations that the other party will be present, engaged and participatory. My strong impression is that he's not able to be that guy right now. 

At only 4 months, I would ask yourself if you're really prepared to ride out the storm with him - particularly when he's not taking steps to manage it. 

[Gemini3]

He had a huge falling out with his best friend who was also his roommate, hence why he had to move back in with his dad on such short notice. He says hes moving out in September, I just hope we last that long, because I think his depression will improve a lot once he gets away from his current home environment. The argument between him and his dad was actually about me, because security cameras showed I was at the house when his father was out of town and he had told him no one is allowed over (his dad is very controlling and always talks down to him).

He told me "I have never been this tired all the time in my life. I wake up and it feels like I never slept." But he will stay up until 12-1 AM and he has to wake up for work at 6 AM. Its upsetting that he has energy to hang out with his guy friends, but not me. Someone told me its because hanging out with your mates is different than hanging out with a gf or bf, less pressure to be normal or mentally healthy I guess. He also drinks and smokes with his buddies, so theres that.

I will reach out to him either today or tomorrow if I dont hear from him, to ask if he wants to hang out this weekend. I just really hope he doesnt ignore me the entire weekend, that will send my anxiety through the roof because I wont know who he's with or if its over. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Gemini3 said:

I will reach out to him either today or tomorrow if I dont hear from him, to ask if he wants to hang out this weekend. I just really hope he doesnt ignore me the entire weekend, that will send my anxiety through the roof because I wont know who he's with or if its over. 

If he ignores you all weekend, then it would in your best interest to end it. You don't need to wait for him to decide how to treat you and this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he sounds like a spoiled brat who can't get along with anyone. You need to get rid of him and his drama.

[Gemini3]

Wiseman, you make a fair point there because he is always talking about issues going on at work with his bosses and coworkers too...he's the type of guy who will "troll" people, he does it to me too but I get mad so he has stopped doing it as much...but he does it out of sarcasm or humorous effect...for example, the other day at work he went into his coworker's truck on a very hot day and turned on his car's heater. When the guy got into his car, he was super mad asking who did it, and my bf said he just laughed.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Gemini3 said:

Wiseman, you make a fair point there because he is always talking about issues going on at work with his bosses and coworkers too...he's the type of guy who will "troll" people, he does it to me too but I get mad so he has stopped doing it as much...but he does it out of sarcasm or humorous effect...for example, the other day at work he went into his coworker's truck on a very hot day and turned on his car's heater. When the guy got into his car, he was super mad asking who did it, and my bf said he just laughed.

Your boyfriend sounds like an immature tool, to be blunt. 

Why are you dating a guy who takes pleasure in winding people up? No wonder he doesn't get along with a lot of people. He is the common denominator. 

[Wiseman2]

You need to dump him. He's a run of the mill jackass. Don't waste your time on people like that.

[basil67]

@Gemini3, the more you speak about him, the worse he sounds.  He may have mental health issues, but he's also a first class knob.    The argument he had with his dad - while his dad might be controlling, your BF was the one who was out of line.  Dad's house, dad's rules.  Don't like it?  Then find somewhere else to live.   It really is this simple.  He shouldn't be playing the victim when he was the one who disrespected the rules in the first place.  

You know how you're worried about your anxiety skyrocketing over the weekend?  I'm guessing it's uncertainty which sets the anxiety off.  If you take control of the situation - and were to say, dump him today - there would be nothing to be anxious about.   Instead, you could focus on having dodged a bullet.   And think about finding a man who's so stable that you won't get anxious about whether or not he might contact you.

And whatever you do, don't buy into the rhetoric of 'kicking a man when he's down' which he's likely to respond with.   Be cool and aloof if you need to be. 

Edited August 20, 2020 by basil67

[schlumpy]

You don't need to see therapist to get some depression relief. A standard visit to a medical doctor can get him some short term relief with drugs such as Zoloft or Wellbutrin. You only need to convince the doctor.

If your BF is not willing to make that effort then his depression is very deep or it's an excuse.

What about the rest of his life? Is he still going to work every day? Is he maintaining his personal hygiene? Is his life one big clutter because he can't summon the willpower to pick things up?

If the rest of his life is moving along, I would not assume that depression is the excuse for his lack of interest in you. Depression will affect all phases of your life. It's like being underwater in that every movement you make takes much more effort. Just getting up in morning can be too much.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF definitely needs talk therapy.  I'm not so sure happy pills to alter his brain chemistry will fix this.  He has deep seated issues that he needs to learn to deal with. 

The fact that he has previously expressed suicidal thoughts is dangerous & alarming.  

You cannot love him through this.  He needs a doctor.  If he had cancer would you try to cure him with no training?  Of course not.  Let the professionals do their jobs. 

You have been with him for 4 months.  Sounds like 120 days of drama & nonsense.  I don't think there's another woman because he's not looking for a relationship.  He hangs with his buddies & ignores you because that is fun & a relationship requires effort.  Try to dial down your anxiety because you can't control how he will behave & you will only make yourself nuttier if you try.  

If he blows you off this weekend, you need to give some serious thought to how long you want to be the only laboring oar in this one sided farce you call a relationship.  He's really not capable of holding up his end.  Until he straightens himself out, he will be a lousy candidate for a true partner.  He just doesn't have it in him right now.  

[amerikajin]

9 hours ago, Gemini3 said:

No he is not seeing a therapist or anything right now. The weekend is coming up and I'm nervous about whether or not we're even going to see each other because he might just end up ignoring me throughout the entire weekend. Last week we hung out thursday and friday, I spent the night. I didnt hear from him all day saturday because he was out with his guy friends. Then he said he thought he texted me but forgot. This is why my friend said maybe there's another woman and he's just using depression as an excuse to distance himself from me. The week before this, he was texting me a lot and laughing and joking with me.

But that long text he sent me about his dad yelling at him, being suicidal and not wanting to talk to anyone (the text was super long) seems legitimate. He has been expressing depression for the past 2 months, this week he has been the most silent he's ever been.

Family estrangement is devastating, especially if things are coming to a head. I remember that I went through something similar with my older half-brother who I had gotten along with pretty well until adulthood. Things had been building for several years (over a 10 year period actually). Around the time I got married, things really began to deteriorate between us. He was threatening to cut off contact, which he had done before but it was escalating. The arguments were nastier. I was happy to be getting married but I won't lie: I was pretty down at a time when I should have been really happy.

In this case, this is his father. I don't know what the background is between him and his dad (or the rest of his family for that matter) but having a serious fallout with someone who's supposed to support you is a jarring experience, no matter how 'chin-up' we want to be about it. My point in saying this is that you shouldn't assume that his isolation is about you or that he's questioning the quality of your relationship. He just might be having a hard time seeing the good in anything right now.

I wouldn't assume there's someone else unless there's reason to believe it. That said, regardless of what he's dealing with, you have rights, too. You have a right to feel love in return. I think it's good that you're there for him and you want to be supportive. Just don't let yourself get walked on or taken advantage of. If he drags on and doesn't communicate, confront him on it (in a nice and respectful way). Just tell him that I totally understand you're dealing with a lot and I want to support you, but I want to feel loved, too. Or something to that effect anyway.

 

[ShyViolet]

He doesn't sound stable enough or ready to have a relationship right now.  You are not his therapist and you can't fix him.  If he's not even going to therapy to work on his issues, then there's not much hope for this relationship.  You haven't even been with him that long.... 4 months is nothing.  It's short enough of a time that you can cut your losses now and end this before you get more invested and more entangled in his messy life.

[rjc149]

While you should feel sympathy for someone suffering from mental disorders, and never take suicide threats lightly (my sister learned that the hard way), but never feel that you are obligated to keep moody, depressed, or emotionally ill people in your life. You have a right to eliminate toxic people from your daily routine, even family members. You have a right to live happily.  

Honestly though, your BF sounds like a manipulative, emotionally abusive prick. Like my sister's late boyfriend, frequent threats of suicide was a standby manipulation tactic, used so often that everyone became desensitized to it, but he followed through one night after an argument. Your BF may, in reality, eventually off himself. Get him the help you can get him, now, and walk away. Don't let that happen on your watch. That trauma will change your life. Let him be someone else's problem. There's nothing you can do to fix him. Trust me, please, you don't want to be involved with that. Be concerned, but from afar. Let the pros deal with him up close. 

 

[amerikajin]

17 hours ago, rjc149 said:

While you should feel sympathy for someone suffering from mental disorders, and never take suicide threats lightly (my sister learned that the hard way), but never feel that you are obligated to keep moody, depressed, or emotionally ill people in your life. You have a right to eliminate toxic people from your daily routine, even family members. You have a right to live happily.  

Honestly though, your BF sounds like a manipulative, emotionally abusive prick. Like my sister's late boyfriend, frequent threats of suicide was a standby manipulation tactic, used so often that everyone became desensitized to it, but he followed through one night after an argument. Your BF may, in reality, eventually off himself. Get him the help you can get him, now, and walk away. Don't let that happen on your watch. That trauma will change your life. Let him be someone else's problem. There's nothing you can do to fix him. Trust me, please, you don't want to be involved with that. Be concerned, but from afar. Let the pros deal with him up close.

I am sorry your sister had to deal with this kind of trauma. Suicide is brutal for the survivors and I can understand your bitterness toward her deceased ex. When people are that depressed, they can indeed be infected with an unhealthy degree of selfishness. They don't always realize what they're doing is selfish. There's a psychological, emotional void that needs to be filled. They need help from a professional, not from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I would completely agree that, whatever his (or anyone emotionally unstable person's) problems may be, nobody among us has magical powers and limitless tolerance to dealing with mental instability. Every person has limits. Every person has a right to decide what works for them and what they can and cannot tolerate No disagreement there.

OP, be there for your partner as long as you can tolerate it but don't let him drag you down with him. You can offer him support and point him in the direction of counseling. But there's only so much you can do.

[Lotsgoingon]

Hey, I'm worried that you're getting completely lost in how much time he spends with you and whether he is with another woman.

Hello! ... This guy is vocalizing suicidal ideation. I got extremely depressed during college and the one smart thing a woman I was half-seeing (we had dated and then officially broken up, but then got back together and blah ...) this woman at a key point basically told me get my butt some help or she wouldn't be talking to me anymore. 

Are you really so self-absorbed that you ignore talk of being suicidal and focus instead of whether you spent time with him last week or the weekend before? Come on now, tell me you're better than that.

Note to you: he is a ten-alarm fire ... this is an alarm ... suicidal people often hide their impulses out of being embarrassed and ashamed. He's vocalizing these and not getting help.

Also, a fight with a dad or a fallout with a friend doesn't "cause" depression. It works as much the other way: depression causes bad relationships and all kinds of problems. Depression is kinda baffling. You keep getting lost in the drama and the detail on what his week was like. Hey, you cannot have a successful relationship with someone who is suicidal. You can't. 

If he doesn't go get help, you really need to dump him. Or else he'll mention suicide every time he wants to placate you ... or distance from you. Being suicidal and being manipulative and evasive are all quite mutually compatible. 

Wake up, sister. This guy is on fire in front of you--and you're talking about whether he's thinking of you last Thursday or not. Wake up! This guy is in no shape for a relationship. 

[Gemini3]

You're right, I shouldn't be so self-absorbed that I think hes cheating on me when he has depression and isnt speaking to me. For the past 3 days, he has texted me once or twice each day. He works two jobs now, so all he has said in these texts is how tired he is. I am continuing to be supportive but can tell he is very emotionally distant still. Today is Saturday and he hasnt texted me so far, it is 6 pm my time. I am resigning myself to the fact that I probably wont see him tonight, or even hear from him. Its just very strange. It really DOES make me think theres another woman, sorry if that is selfish, but I have no way of knowing what he's doing right now or who he is with, and if I asked him I probably wouldnt get an answer. 

I just dont understand why he cant reassure me a little bit. It doesnt take much to text someone, even to tell me hes busy or something, but hes not even doing that. I guess if there was another woman, he could still text me to keep me unsuspecting, but still...this doesnt make sense. Last week things were fine, he was texting me all day. This week - nothing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gemini3 said:

I just dont understand why he cant reassure me a little bit. It doesnt take much to text someone, even to tell me hes busy or something, but hes not even doing that. I guess if there was another woman, he could still text me to keep me unsuspecting, but still...this doesnt make sense. Last week things were fine, he was texting me all day. This week - nothing. 

Here's the thing - if he's genuinely depressed, he probably isn't thinking about reassuring you. He's thinking about isolating himself from you and not having to deal with the emotions or expectations of another person. I agree that reassurance would be the considerate thing to do, but he's concentrating on himself. This is why the partners of depressed people often say they feel invisible, unseen and unloved. Depression can seem like a very selfish beast to the loved ones who feel neglected, even if that is not the intention of the depressed partner. The depressed person isn't seeing much outside their own head, so to speak, and isn't necessarily thinking about how it affects those around them. Or, he might be avoiding you because he knows you'll want to see him (naturally) and he just isn't up for it and doesn't want to hear the disappointment in your voice when he tells you he doesn't want to get together. Relationships with someone suffering from depression are not easy, for these very reasons. You never really know which way the wind will blow and it's difficult not to take it personally and not have your own needs met. 

However, I would still encourage you to reflect on what you're doing with a guy who seems to be immature and enjoys upsetting people (ie. "trolling" his coworker, and you) Depressed or not, a lot of the other behaviour you describe from him is unacceptable. 

 

Edited August 22, 2020 by ExpatInItaly