Girlfriend talking to another man

[Lostinspace3232]

I’m 38 w/ 2 kids from another woman. I’ve been dating this special woman for over a year that seemed perfect up until a few days ago. She treats me very well and I would have never thought this would happen. We took a day to get away and rent an AIR BNB. I use her phone after she gives it to me and notice she has a text message from a guy we both work with. I knew they were friends but after looking further into it I notice she has been talking to him every night for the past year she has been with me. She had mentioned him before but I didn’t know it was a nightly conversation. She also stated that he told her he liked her not once but twice and she still continued taking to him.  She proceeded to snatch the phone out of my hand before I could read anymore of the text message which made me feel like something was going on. She claimed she didn’t want me to get upset which makes me wonder. She swears up and down nothing is going on with him but something doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to become anymore invested with her and find out she broke my heart.  My jealousy and sadness kicked in right away and I had to leave. I told her I needed a few days to think things out but I have nO one to talk to about this. I feel like our trust is goneI love her and I wouldn’t wanna lose her. Any advice is appreciated

Edited August 20, 2020 by Lostinspace3232

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you happen to see the contents of their conversations?

 

[Wiseman2]

She trusted you with her phone and your impulse was to snoop? How much baggage from your last relationship are you dragging into this?

Do you seriously think after dating a while that she shouldn't talk to male co-workers?

Do you talk to your baby mama or female friends or co-workers or does she grab your phone, snooping around and give you the silent treatment if you dare to have communication with female friends or co-workers on there?

Did this relationship start as an office affair or romance? Where is the distrust coming from?

[Lostinspace3232]

I was still in a relationship when were together at the beginning with another women. I guess that’s where the distrust comes from. I don’t think she should be telling a guy good night every night if we both know likes her. She told me he hit on her twice and she continues to speak with him .We were both in crappy relationships going nowhere until we found each other. So you think I’m over reacting 
The thing that bothers me Is she has nightly convos with him and tells him good night every very night. In my eyes this isn’t normal and I don’t say good night every night to any female because I know that isn’t normal. I wasn’t able to see much of the convo due to her taking the phone

Edited August 20, 2020 by Lostinspace3232

[Wiseman2]

Ah. So she knows you're a cheater.

Office romances borne of affairs are bound to be fraught with problems, particularly issues with trust and cheating. Why? Because that's one thing you both know for sure that you are both capable of.

Get over yourself. Either you accept the flaws in this situation or you walk away.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

The thing that bothers me Is she has nightly convos with him and tells him good night every very night. In my eyes this isn’t normal and I don’t say good night every night to any female because I know that isn’t normal. I wasn’t able to see much of the convo due to her taking the phone

What did she say when you asked her what's up with that?

I have a couple close, platonic male friends. We frequently shoot the breeze. However,  I do not wish them goodnight every night, nor do I necessarily even talk to them every day. Neither of these men have ever told me they have a crush, either. We're all in relationships, actually, and know one another's partners. 

If she's good friends with him, suggest you all grab a drink together so you can feel more comfortable with their friendship. See how she responds. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She's good friends with him, suggest you all grab a drink together so you can feel more comfortable with their friendship. See how she responds. 

They all work together so this type of game/bluff won't work.

The meet the person game is nonsense anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They all work together so this type of game/bluff won't work.

The meet the person game is nonsense anyway.

It doesn't need to be a game or a bluff. 

It doesn't sound as though he and this guy are friends even though they work together. I don't see why the three of them can't hang out if the other two are tight. It could indeed make OP more at ease with this. 

Edited August 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Lostinspace3232]

We aren’t friends just co workers. He is single and a lot younger than me. I’m 38 and he is 23. He constantly hits on and flirts with married/unmarried women at work. I just sit back and watch

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It doesn't need to be a game or a bluff. 

It doesn't sound as though he and this guy are friends even though they work together. I don't see why the three of them can't hang out if the other two are tight. It could indeed make OP more at ease with this. 

Unfortunately it's a common bluff/game.

It resolves and proves nothing. In fact it is so transparent and escalating that only a fool would agree.

The bottom line is this started as an office affair so how much trust could there ever be?

[schlumpy]

The frequency is the biggest concern. Once in a while conversations, especially if there is a common interest, isn't something to object to but nightly good nights?

I don't think so.

Has she offered to go NC with him or she trying to minimize the relationship?

See what she offers you. You will have to decide if it is adequate and sincere enough to continue the relationship.

I do hope she is honest with you.

Older woman liking attention from a younger man. Who would have guessed?

[Wiseman2]

Once you start controlling who people can talk to or be friends with, your relationship is on its way to being toast.🍞

[Acacia98]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ah. So she knows you're a cheater.

Office romances borne of affairs are bound to be fraught with problems, particularly issues with trust and cheating. Why? Because that's one thing you both know for sure that you are both capable of.

Get over yourself. Either you accept the flaws in this situation or you walk away.

You give folks some really strange advice. 

 

1 hour ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

 She had mentioned him before but I didn’t know it was a nightly conversation. She also stated that he told her he liked her not once but twice and she still continued taking to him.  She proceeded to snatch the phone out of my hand before I could read anymore of the text message which made me feel like something was going on. She claimed she didn’t want me to get upset which makes me wonder. She swears up and down nothing is going on with him but something doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to become anymore invested with her and find out she broke my heart.  My jealousy and sadness kicked in right away and I had to leave. I told her I needed a few days to think things out but I have nO one to talk to about this. I feel like our trust is goneI love her and I wouldn’t wanna lose her. Any advice is appreciated

Your fears are justified. I've always found it troubling when people in relationships maintained close friendships with men or women who were interested in pursuing them. That's one red flag. The other is you didn't seem to know the depth of this friendship. The third is her reaction to your seeing the messages.

[d0nnivain]

The foundation of your relationship was never solid because you cheated on your last GF with your present GF.  You know you are capable of being unfaithful so you think everyone is a cheater.  Hence your jealousy. 

Your snooping was wrong but you found something.  The quantity & frequency of their interactions is troubling.  Especially since she knows he has hit on her in the past, daily contact is over the top.  She may enjoy the attention.  

Her reaction to you finding the messages is equivocal.  Her strong reaction could have been to the invasion of privacy.  It may also be about the content of the conversations. 

You need to have a heart to heart about this.  Tell her your fears.  Admit to being jealous but also explain that the combo of the daily interaction & her adverse reaction to you reading the messages got your hackles up.  Explain why it bothers you without yelling.  Ask if she can think of a way to appease you.  A good SO should want to reassure a partner.  She doesn't have to give up the friendship especially because you all work  together but she must dial it back.  

If she's unwilling to compromise then you have a decision to make.  

 

[amerikajin]

3 hours ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

I was still in a relationship when were together at the beginning with another women. I guess that’s where the distrust comes from. I don’t think she should be telling a guy good night every night if we both know likes her. She told me he hit on her twice and she continues to speak with him .We were both in crappy relationships going nowhere until we found each other. So you think I’m over reacting 
The thing that bothers me Is she has nightly convos with him and tells him good night every very night. In my eyes this isn’t normal and I don’t say good night every night to any female because I know that isn’t normal. I wasn’t able to see much of the convo due to her taking the phone

I agree with Donnivain: I think that this relationship's foundation is cracked, and it was never a good foundation to begin with. You both entered this relationship with baggage, and now you're each other's 'bags' all over the place. You know what happens when you have to walk around Las Vegas in the heat of summer lugging around suitcases, right? You get tired.

I think that's what's happening here. Maybe it's time for both of you to really think about how this relationship all began and whether or not you're right for each other.

[rjc149]

This is an obvious red flag. Speculating as to whether this is innocent or not is irrelevant. If it's innocent, the innocence has an expiration date. 

She likes romantic attention from younger men, she needs male validation from multiple sources at all times, or she's grooming your replacement. She's not just shooting the sh-t with a friend. Your attention, affection, and validation is insufficient for her at this time. 

Here's the hard part: when your girlfriend starts disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship, it's already on its way down. You cannot force her to stop. You cannot warn her, threaten her, ask or plead. You cannot control her actions. Likewise, you cannot give her more attention and validation either. Your insecurity will push her away.

You can only be unaffected, indifferent, and ready to walk away. Once she senses you are detaching (this must be demonstrated with your behavior, not your words -- by creating distance, being indifferent, perhaps even opening lines of communication with her replacement), her true colors will show. She will either reform her behavior to keep you, or she will move on.

If she wants to remain in a relationship with you, she must feel 100% free to leave. And if she leaves, she leaves. Next. Imposing restrictions, boundaries, control methods, or manipulating her, will just push her further and further away. 

As a footnote, relationships born of lies and betrayal typically die that way. The same insecurity that caused you to monkey-branch to this woman, instead of ending your previous relationship honestly and being single before beginning a new relationship, is what will inevitably end this one. 

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

 I knew they were friends but after looking further into it I notice she has been talking to him every night for the past year she has been with me.

 

Uhhhh, no. Every night for a year? THAT'S an EA (at best). Doesn't want you to read the msgs? Of course not.

You need to recognize this for what it is. If it was me, I believe I'd ask for 100% transparency, with the first step to be reading ALL messages, or I'd be out of there. She can find some else to cheat on (emotionally or otherwise).

Believe me, I think extra-relationship friends are fine. My wife has them and so do I. But texting every night with Mr. Flirt from work and I don't get to read the texts?  No way.

[elaine567]

How old is she?

[IO Man]

EA dude. Emotional Affair going on. Trust your instincts. She wouldn’t be so defensive otherwise 

[smackie9]

All this is, is ego fluffing on both sides. They are both enjoying the attention from each other...the problem is....it's an emotional affair, just on a non sexual level. She feels desired, and he feels desired...that's what they are getting out of it. I feel bad for you, because this is something you never knew about. Talking every night like that is more than just friendship, it's emotional dependency...and sadly, she isn't getting it from you, she is getting it outside of the relationship. She's not all in my friend, not 100% committed. She never really told you because she knows she shouldn't be doing it....in this case she is addicted to it, that's why she is getting defensive. She wants, she likes it, it makes her feel good, and she doesn't want to let it go. You are out. This is no relationship for you. ....maybe it's karma.

Edited August 20, 2020 by smackie9

[lee179108]

12 hours ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

I was still in a relationship when were together at the beginning with another women. I guess that’s where the distrust comes from. I don’t think she should be telling a guy good night every night if we both know likes her. She told me he hit on her twice and she continues to speak with him .We were both in crappy relationships going nowhere until we found each other. So you think I’m over reacting 
The thing that bothers me Is she has nightly convos with him and tells him good night every very night. In my eyes this isn’t normal and I don’t say good night every night to any female because I know that isn’t normal. I wasn’t able to see much of the convo due to her taking the phone

I dont think you're over reacting at all, I would feel the same...  I wouldnt like it if a guy was texting and saying goodnight to my girlfriend every night...  I would confront her about it, tell her you dont like it, hell even ask him why hes doing it...  I've had past girlfriends do this and it didnt end well, their head gets all messed up with the guy and things go bad. Tell her she stops talking to him all together or you're leaving.  If he was gay it would be fine lol.... but if hes straight, frequently talking then i wouldnt like it... they could be flirting you dont know!?   

[kendahke]

Quote

he told her he liked her not once but twice and she still continued taking to him. 

Talking to a coworker daily because of work issues and things like that are one thing.

Talking to a coworker every night and telling them good night, and knowing that this coworker has tried twice to hit on you (which means he's not gay) while you're supposedly in a relationship that he knows about and more to the point: that you know you're in, is what puts this over the inappropriate wall.

Ask her if the tables were reversed and you were telling another chick goodnight every night, knowing she was trying to hit on you, would your girlfriend be fine with that and think no problem?  I seriously doubt she would.

You need to have a talk with her about her boy.

[Art.at.Heart]

14 hours ago, Lostinspace3232 said:

She also stated that he told her he liked her not once but twice and she still continued taking to him. 

Were you OK with this?

[nibelheim89]

1) No straight guy, and I mean, no straight guy, is communicating  each and every night with a woman he doesn't  want to bang.

2) He has already told her twice that he wants her as more than a friend. Your girlfriend decided to risk your relationship and disrespect it by keeping him around for some ego boosting.

3) She took away the phone before you could see the intimate part if the conversation and, let's be in no doubt, the "pics".

 

That's  three strikes in my book and she's  out of there.

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by nibelheim89

[Mrin]

On 8/20/2020 at 3:51 PM, smackie9 said:

All this is, is ego fluffing on both sides. They are both enjoying the attention from each other...the problem is....it's an emotional affair, just on a non sexual level. She feels desired, and he feels desired...that's what they are getting out of it. I feel bad for you, because this is something you never knew about. Talking every night like that is more than just friendship, it's emotional dependency...and sadly, she isn't getting it from you, she is getting it outside of the relationship. She's not all in my friend, not 100% committed. She never really told you because she knows she shouldn't be doing it....in this case she is addicted to it, that's why she is getting defensive. She wants, she likes it, it makes her feel good, and she doesn't want to let it go. You are out. This is no relationship for you. ....maybe it's karma.

This. My sense is that of you read through their conversations you would find, at a minimum, the two of them in some sort of emotional affair with her sharing things with him that she didn't share with you. You would also find him bolstering her ego by saying things like "you're an incredible woman" and such. If he was a woman it wouldn't raise flags. Because he is a man she is turning to him for emotional support from a male rather than you. You essentially just discovered another man sleeping next to her in your figurative emotional relationship bed. Gross.

My hunch is that if you read through the texts you'd most likely find her talking about you and not always in a flattering light. To me that is a gross breach if relationship trust and would turn me off immediately. 

When you do start speaking to her I will bet the farm that she will tell you that she deleted their entire text conversation. LMK if I am right.