Am I reading too much into this?

[Rwebb7197]

A while ago, I posted looking for advice on my feelings towards a coworker. Well, things have sort of progressed but I'm still really confused about where I stand and would really appreciate an outsiders input. I'm still trying to subtly find out if they're gay too, and it makes it so much more difficult because I can't just ask directly. 

I have, for a long time, thought that my feelings may be returned. Little things like my being extremely close physically has no negative effect, open body language and eye contact. Well, I think I'm getting somewhere... Maybe. 

They've been having a tough time recently due to depression and anxiety. I didn't offer comfort for any ulterior motive, but I lent a caring ear. I spent a lot of time talking, listening, and trying to pep them up. We seem quite close now, i know opening up to someone is not easy. 

A few days ago after a lot of listening, talking and offering advice, I got a message saying that they love me, thanking me for the support. I understand this isn't anything, but it's what followed. I've never put a kiss on the end of a text to him before, nor has he to me, for fear of making things awkward or outing my feelings (I know that's stupid), but I did then. We were texting so much more than we ever have before. The kiss was reciprocated, which really gave me a lift. I decided to test waters by using two, and two followed back. We're now onto three and it's both ways. I've tried to keep my messages not flirty, but caring in a partner kind of way. 

His style of message has changed, it was always quite to the point but it seems different now. I can't describe it. 

Am I reading too much into this? The rational side of me says yes, but I don't know. Thanks for any help.

[schlumpy]

It seems to me that you have given him every indication that you are interested but he is letting you push the cart forward while he sits on the back.

If he hasn't asked you out or made a move before now, there is a very good reason for it and you need find out what that reason is before you get further invested.

My recommendation is practice your charms on a more validating recipient.

 

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to determine first if he's gay also. At this point it seems he appreciates someone listening to his problems.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds as though he might like you, but is a bit gun-shy. 

Why don't you suggest grabbing a beer together or some such thing?  Since you don't know whether or not he's into men too, it could easily just be a couple guys hanging out and shooting the breeze. It's a no-pressure situation, in the event that he doesn't feel that way about you. But, if he does have some deeper interest, it could be the spring-board for something more.  

[elaine567]

Are you "out" at work? If so, I guess he knows your intentions...
I can't imagine sending  3 kisses to a known Lesbian if I wasn't interested.
As a heterosexual female I would hesitate even sending one, unless she was a very close friend.

[smackie9]

There is a huge acceptance now for the LBGQ community. If he isn't gay, so what, he's just going to say so, and that will be the end of it. Ask him to meet for a coffee date and see where it takes you.

Edited August 22, 2020 by smackie9

[Commongoal123]

On 8/20/2020 at 7:47 AM, Rwebb7197 said:

A while ago, I posted looking for advice on my feelings towards a coworker. Well, things have sort of progressed but I'm still really confused about where I stand and would really appreciate an outsiders input. I'm still trying to subtly find out if they're gay too, and it makes it so much more difficult because I can't just ask directly. 

I have, for a long time, thought that my feelings may be returned. Little things like my being extremely close physically has no negative effect, open body language and eye contact. Well, I think I'm getting somewhere... Maybe. 

They've been having a tough time recently due to depression and anxiety. I didn't offer comfort for any ulterior motive, but I lent a caring ear. I spent a lot of time talking, listening, and trying to pep them up. We seem quite close now, i know opening up to someone is not easy. 

A few days ago after a lot of listening, talking and offering advice, I got a message saying that they love me, thanking me for the support. I understand this isn't anything, but it's what followed. I've never put a kiss on the end of a text to him before, nor has he to me, for fear of making things awkward or outing my feelings (I know that's stupid), but I did then. We were texting so much more than we ever have before. The kiss was reciprocated, which really gave me a lift. I decided to test waters by using two, and two followed back. We're now onto three and it's both ways. I've tried to keep my messages not flirty, but caring in a partner kind of way. 

His style of message has changed, it was always quite to the point but it seems different now. I can't describe it. 

Am I reading too much into this? The rational side of me says yes, but I don't know. Thanks for any help.

I don't think you are reading too much into this.  The interest seems clear.  But....

A few red flags here.  Or at least yellow ones....

1) There seems to be a dynamic of you giving/supporting and him taking/needing.  Is this reciprocated?  And if so is it equal, or is there an imbalance that leans heavy in one way or another?  Try to be objective as you can about those questions, and try not to make up excuses if you find there is an imbalance here.  If not close to equal, be mindful of this, or you may end up in a relationship where you overgive and find yourself looking back devestated a few months or years later.  Are you primarily the one giving here?  And even if he does as well... is it in little fleeting bits or is it a consistent mountain?

2) Anxiety and depression are a real challenge.  I've experienced both myself both in me and in others (friends and ex's).  What is concerning to me is that you are clearly both bonding over it.  This may not be healthy for you if things are not equal on that front.  This is called "trauma bonding".  Look that up, and be mindful of point #1 above.

3)  Did the change in his texts and stuff happen around the time he started to open up about anxiety and depression?  And... would you say there is a dynamic here of him acting a "poor me" role and you playing a "rescuer" role?  Look up the Karpman Drama Triangle for more insight on that.

4)  Finally..... don't date co-workers.  Just don't.  Because if it ends and doesn't end well, it f***s your whole world up all the way to the workplace.  Been there, done that.  Never again.  It isn't worth the risk.

-Common

[kendahke]

On 8/26/2020 at 11:38 PM, Commongoal123 said:

4)  Finally..... don't date co-workers.  Just don't.  Because if it ends and doesn't end well, it f***s your whole world up all the way to the workplace.  Been there, done that.  Never again.  It isn't worth the risk

^^^This. Right. Here.

[smackie9]

On 8/20/2020 at 4:47 AM, Rwebb7197 said:

A while ago, I posted looking for advice on my feelings towards a coworker. Well, things have sort of progressed but I'm still really confused about where I stand and would really appreciate an outsiders input. I'm still trying to subtly find out if they're gay too, and it makes it so much more difficult because I can't just ask directly. 

I have, for a long time, thought that my feelings may be returned. Little things like my being extremely close physically has no negative effect, open body language and eye contact. Well, I think I'm getting somewhere... Maybe. 

They've been having a tough time recently due to depression and anxiety. I didn't offer comfort for any ulterior motive, but I lent a caring ear. I spent a lot of time talking, listening, and trying to pep them up. We seem quite close now, i know opening up to someone is not easy. 

A few days ago after a lot of listening, talking and offering advice, I got a message saying that they love me, thanking me for the support. I understand this isn't anything, but it's what followed. I've never put a kiss on the end of a text to him before, nor has he to me, for fear of making things awkward or outing my feelings (I know that's stupid), but I did then. We were texting so much more than we ever have before. The kiss was reciprocated, which really gave me a lift. I decided to test waters by using two, and two followed back. We're now onto three and it's both ways. I've tried to keep my messages not flirty, but caring in a partner kind of way. 

His style of message has changed, it was always quite to the point but it seems different now. I can't describe it. 

Am I reading too much into this? The rational side of me says yes, but I don't know. Thanks for any help.

Well OP what has happened?

[Caauug]

On 8/27/2020 at 11:38 AM, Commongoal123 said:

4)  Finally..... don't date co-workers.  Just don't.  Because if it ends and doesn't end well, it f***s your whole world up all the way to the workplace.  Been there, done that.  Never again.  It isn't worth the risk.

Unless you are in very high demand and there are heaps of jobs for you...… Don't date co-workers!!!

It can turn really crappy really quickly when the relationship ends. If you are openly showing the relationship at work and one is a supervisor of the other, this can make the others in the team look for favoritism or they may just manufacture stories. It's not fare to put your co-workers and supervisor into a difficult situation they had no part of. Just don't do it.

Check company polices on at work relationships.  

[kismetkismet]

The interest seems mutual from what you've said, but I would tread lightly. Ask him out for a beer and strike up a friendship first, make sure that this is a mutual relationship beyond your support for his depression and anxiety. If he's just developing feelings for you because he thinks you can save him, that will set you up for a draining and potentially destructive dynamic. 

Also, I'm happily married to a former coworker lol, so I can't really judge you there. But I would be cautious because there's a lot of potential for drama in this situation which is doubly difficult when your career is involved.