Should my Dad meet my sister's partner?

[goldilocks3bears]

Hi,

So my sister has been dating a girl Since November last year. They are thinking of moving in together. My family although it is hard for my mom , accept my sister and love her and we kinda figured out long ago what her sexual orientation was. Also, me and my other sister met the girlfriend. Now, my sister wants my Dad to meet her formally...she wants us to go out for supper together.

My other sister doesn't know if we should as she is scared my sister might get hurt. Her concern is coz that girl hasn't come out to her parents (only her sister who lives overseas knows) and they don't know of my sister's existence. She thinks that it is strange that my sister is introducing her to everyone while she won't speak to her parents about it. The gf is scared of their reaction especially her dad's and said that if she tells , so she will only tell her mom. She says that the girlfriend already met me and her and it is strange to plan to go out for dinner so she can meet my Dad also while the gf won't do anything to tell her parents. 

What are your thoughts? Thanks

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm sure I should figure out a way to make the original poster the automatic priority  in any answer offered.

 

BUT...   I think the most central factor here is the non-out partner getting familiar with, and used to a scenario where she CAN be 'out'...  AND be accepted while 'out'.

 

I don't think that this is one of those:    "we must do everything evenly...  including splitting the bills, and sharing chores of cleaning the house..."     

which pertains to fostering an even/shared partnership  (in any kind of a romantic relationship).

 

There are external variables at work here of the sort which heterosexual white couples need never contemplate when considering walking arm-in-arm around a neighborhood.

 

Now it wouldn't be a shock  if other (life experiences)  had affected both the girlfriend and your sister in perhaps totally different ways at totally different times...  any of which could have further contributed to the girlfriend's hesitation about coming-out  to everybody.   It might not be a total surprise to learn that your sister's girlfriend is 'afraid of men'   to some degree.

 

To give her an environment where people who care  are introducing her to a man they care about...   may be extra helpful in that way as well.

 

Often such people need first learn a way to accept themselves   (NOT so much directly  'within'...  but instead,   to sort of use the mirror that IS the rest of society... and see themselves IN that mirror...  AND still accepted BY that mirror/society).

(think in basic terms, of walking past the mirror in your hallway...   and being sorta surprised and awed that said mirror is willing to accept you and (even) show your reflection at all)   (to allow YOU to see the proof  of that is even more meaningful)

 

 

I think this chance will be a growing experience for everyone invited to that dinner...   and you know your father far better than any of us...      so IF you find (HIM the individual) the sort of a person who won't represent more risk  than potential reward...    then you can know in advance that it will work well for everyone.

 

 

(*  and I bet it was easier for the girlfriend to discuss this matter with the sister who lives overseas, because she doesn't have to risk {seeing her own reflection in the eyes of that overseas sister}  as she unburdens herself about her sexuality)

 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Gaeta]

Is this girl from another culture? 

I think you should be more understanding of her hesitation to tell her parents. In some culture women (and men) get killed if they are caught in a homosexual relationship. 

She may never be able to tell her parents for fear of being disowned and called a humiliation to her family. 

I would welcome her into your family. A place where she can feel accepted. 

Your sister may get hurt, welcome to life. We all get hurt, we learn, and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, goldilocks3bears said:

my sister wants my Dad to meet her formally.

Why doesn't she make it more casual and just invite the friend over? Does your father know about their relationship or that she is lesbian?

[goldilocks3bears]

Thanks for replying. I read your comments and I am glad I posted here as I am able to see objective perspectives.

It was easier to tell her sister I think coz she is younger than the parents and in our generation they accept it more than in our parents'.

She is of a different culture but she won't get killed or anything like that.  I think in her culture though so it is less accepted. My Dad knows about my sister and he has no problem with it. My Dad is very very supportive, But, he is also very open-minded.  Me and my sisters get along with him very well. 

[smackie9]

This is all fine and dandy but, it will be her decision to make and to carefully discuss it with her partner.

[d0nnivain]

Let your sister introduce her partner to whomever she chooses.   If the partner has reservations about her own family's reaction, she knows them better.  If she prefers to be in the closet, that is her choice.  If your sister is upset about being hidden, that is something she needs to take up with her GF.  If the partner is simply afraid, respect her & stay out of it but be supportive. 

Perhaps look into getting involved with PFLAG an organization for the family members of LGBTQ+ people.  They may have resources which will empower the GF.   

[goldilocks3bears]

My sister said her GF wants to speak to a therapist about it but I told her maybe it will be better to speak to professionals from the  LGBTQ community who have dealt with this issue. This is also very new to me and my family although she knows that I suspected long time ago that she liked girls. I don't have any gay friends and I admit for me it was strange that my sister suddenly is dating a girl for real. But, despite my feelings I thought that my sister's feelings are more important and she needs to feel happy and comfortable and open about her life. And, I am so happy that my sister is open about it with me and my family though it was strange at first when I decided to openly ask her about her sexual orientation and she spoke freely about it. The first 2 times were strange to talk about that as I am used to discussing heterosexual issues. 

Wish the GF's parents felt like me and especially like my dad who is has no issues at all with it.

 

[basil67]

My thought is that the couple should do what they are mutually comfortable in doing.

[Emilie Jolie]

16 hours ago, goldilocks3bears said:

My other sister doesn't know if we should as she is scared my sister might get hurt. Her concern is coz that girl hasn't come out to her parents (only her sister who lives overseas knows) and they don't know of my sister's existence. She thinks that it is strange that my sister is introducing her to everyone while she won't speak to her parents about it. 

It's great that you're all so close and supportive of each other, and it's understandable for you guys to be concerned for your sister's well being.

With that said, it's really up to her and her gf to decide who meets who and why. It's really lovely of your sister to share a little bit of the family support she is lucky to have with her gf. To honor your sister, you guys can make her gf feel as welcome as possible within your family - in turn, the gf may feel confident enough to break the news to her own parents in her own time. Or not, as the case may be. 

The point is, it's out of your hands really. All you can do is be there for your sister.

[goldilocks3bears]

Thanks everyone for being so amazing with your replies. I agree with them all.

My family is very close and supportive...i am really lucky to have amazing parents and sisters   It isn't to be taken for granted. 

My sister really wants us to go for lunch/supper so we will. It isn't that we said 'no' , i immediately said yes, but my other sister bought up her concerns with me about our sister, so I wanted an objective opinion as neither she nor I were sure if she was right with her concerns and if for that reason we should hold off introducing the GF to my Dad 

 My sister with the GF is extremely intelligent and she voiced some time ago that she felt uncomfortable that she was a secret but I assume now she realises that the GF is really scared of her parent's reaction. So, if she wants my Dad and also my mom (later on i guess) to meet her then she knows what she is doing.

Thanks all.

[Wiseman2]

Let your sister and her GF think for themselves. You and your other sister don't have to do that for them.