Nothing I ever do is good enough for my mom.

[Pinkbird741]

Hello,

First of all, I want to say that I’m an adult. I’m 33 and I live on my own and pay my own bills. I’m starting to feel annoyed by my mom because it seems that she’s never proud of me and she’s never happy with any job that I have. 
For example, right now I work full time as a web assistant and I’m happy at my job. The pay is descent and it’s enough for my bills and for my personal needs. However my mom continuously tells me there are other jobs out there and makes me feel like my job sucks. She has done this with my previous jobs too. I feel that she shouldn’t be telling me what to do or WHERE to work since I don’t live with her anymore. 
 

She has even looked for jobs for me and tells me to apply as if I can’t do it myself. She thinks the jobs she finds are great but when I find a job I like by MYSELF she starts being negative, like it’s not good. She’s starting to annoy me so I’ve decided to distance myself from her. Am I wrong to do this? I’ve tried to explain her it’s my life but she’s stubborn and even gets offended if I tell her I have the right to make my own choices. What do you think? 
By the way, I do feel proud of my achievements. I have good credit, I bought myself a nice car, I don’t have debts, and I can stand on my own two feet. Shouldn’t that make my mom happy?

Edited August 20, 2020 by Pinkbird741

[d0nnivain]

Some people are just grumpy & they use that as an excuse to rain on everyone else's parade.  My mom was like that.  I just stopped listening or caring.  Just smile nod, & say something non committal like OK.  Then do what you want.  When I finally let her criticism go I was a much happier person.    

 

[Wiseman2]

It's about  her own unhappiness. Limit  how much you'll listen to this sort of stuff, it's not about you.

[ShyViolet]

Stop depending on her validation.  Her opinions really don't matter and have no bearing on your life; you don't live with her, you're financially independent.  She can say whatever she wants but it literally doesn't matter if you put an end to the conversation and get off the phone.  You don't have to allow her to drive you crazy.  If she starts being annoying, just say "I've already told you how I feel about this, I'm getting off the phone now."  Of course it's not wrong of you to distance yourself from her.  Distance yourself from her if that's what you need to do for your own sanity!  My Dad is verbally abusive sometimes and I've not spoken to him for as long as 6 months at a time because I refuse to allow someone to drive me crazy, I don't care if they are my biological parent or not.

[Ruby Slippers]

Mama needs to cut the apron strings and focus on her own life and happiness. She probably feels unfulfilled in her own life, so she's looking to you and your accomplishments to give her a boost.

There's a good book by Henry Cloud called "Boundaries" that may have some good tips. I haven't read it, but have been meaning to, as it's highly recommended.

[MsJayne]

Mom sounds like she may have a little narcissism going on. If she does there's no point trying to discuss it or reason with her about her behaviour because narcissists are emotionally immature and are unable to take any responsibility for the dysfunction and distress they cause. There's plenty of info online about it, maybe have a read of some of it and see if your relationship with your mother fits the bill. If it does, reading about it can be extremely enlightening and can help you to learn to completely ignore any of her criticisms

[Watercolors]

On 8/20/2020 at 2:33 PM, Pinkbird741 said:

Shouldn’t that make my mom happy?

Edited August 20 by Pinkbird741

We have the same mom, apparently. My mother has been critical of EVERYTHING that I've done my entire life. I'm older than you too and she's STILL critical of me now, while she's in a nursing home for dementia. I'm sharing that with you to show you that your mother will NEVER change. She will never give you the validation that you want from her.

At this point, you have to find a way to reach acceptance of this knowledge that your mother will always criticize your job choices. You have a right to feel loved and respected. And, you can get that from your mother by setting really obvious boundaries (and following through with them or they won't stick). Like, "If you criticize my job choice anymore, I am going to hang up the phone." And then just do it.

She'll feel shocked that her child actually stood up against her and will try to take out her guilt on you by telling everyone how rotten you are, and then telling you that she told so-and-so in the family how rotten you are to her. This will be her way to undermine your self-confidence and get you to drop your boundaries with her. And it will be hard for you to take at first but its all to make you feel bad for setting limits with her. Which you need to start doing for your own mental health and wellbeing. 

When my mother criticizes me, I just change the subject now, since she has dementia its like her short term memory is gone but her long term memory is intact. So, she'll bring up my past to me repeatedly, to criticize me. I've learned not to take it personally anymore and to just ignore it. I have learned and finally accepted, that my mother will never validate my feelings; she'll never apologize for being a sh*tty mother to me because she doesn't want to (or doesn't know how to). 

You have to accept the harsh reality that many of us adult children have: not every parent will love and validate you the way you feel you deserve. And, like that classic idiom states: "You can't squeeze blood from a turnip." You can't change your mother. You can't force her to love and validate you the way that you know you deserve. You just can't. But you can take steps to protect yourself from her emotional abuse. Those steps will feel awkward and make you feel vulnerable at first. But after you consistently practice setting those limits with her, your mother will either give up criticizing you, or she won't. But at least you won't take any of her criticism personally anymore. 

[Dork Vader]

If I were in your shoes I would just tell your mother the following..

When she talks poorly about your job reply, I'm happy with my job, it's my career and my life. Then change the subject, if she continues to push the topic, get up and leave. 

If she says you can do better, reply with, I appreciate the encouragement. But I'm happy where I'm at.
If she shows you jobs you should apply at, reply with I'm an adult, if I want to find a new career I'll look for one, but I'm currently happy with my career.

After you shut down those conversations with those lines, if she continues to try and push the subject just get up and leave. If she tries to argue with you even more about it. Tell her I have tried numerous times to set a boundary with you on this topic. You need to respect it, I will no longer talk to you about this subject. Anytime that boundary is breached get up and leave. Just because she is your mother does not give her the right to disrespect boundaries you have set.

It might take some practice but she'll eventually figure out if she wants to have a relationship with her daughter she's going to have to respect boundaries. 

This took some practice with my parents to learn where I had set boundaries. They did not like it at all but they learned real quick. The last time they pushed a topic it was during my birthday dinner a few years ago. I got up and left before the food was even served.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Dork Vader