How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

  I just remember this similar situation happening last year, we had an argument over the phone talking about it and trying to figure it out and she was so clear on not wanting a relationship.. then boom 2 months she misses me and gets back in touch. I do believe in karma though, if you hurt someone then you will get it back... 

I hear what you're saying. 

But do you really want to be in a relationship that's so fragile that you have two break-ups and reconciliations in a fairly short time frame? My point is simply that her coming back does not mean her staying back. You've seen that twice now. It's not a sign of success if she comes back; it's a sign that she doesn't know her own mind and you're just along for the ride. 

If you peruse these boards, you will see what on-off relationships really lead to: a repeated cycle of heartache, unresolved problems, terrible insecurity on the part of the dumpee who never really knows when their partner might walk again, increased resentment. After two break-ups, there is very rarely a happy ending success story. I don't say that to come down on you, but rather to encourage you to think about you would really be signing up for should she dance back into your life again. It won't be the sigh of relief you're hoping for. 

My own dear friend was once where you are. She and her then-boyfriend dated a few years, moved into together, and also broke up twice. There was a litany of issues, largely stemming from his fairly non-committal attitude. He wasn't a bad guy, but he just obviously wasn't as emotionally invested as she was. They are actually married now, which happened at her urging after they reconciled the second time. He said to me just before the wedding, and I quote: "well, she deserves a nice wedding." (nothing about the pleasure of marrying her)  It pains me to say it, but do you suppose their marriage is a very happy and fulfilling one? Sure, they have rings on their fingers and get along okay. But, he's been caught more than once "talking to" other women. There have been a couple close calls with her seriously considering filing for separation because she feels so lonely in the marriage. She isn't the same person she once was; there's an underlying sadness there. She will say everything is fine, but I know it hurts her to see other couples who are actually in love and into each other. I know she wishes her husband was the same with her. If you saw them together in a room, you would have no idea they're married. There's just not much emotional connection and it's obvious. Her hope that marrying her meant he'd finally made a big commitment in his heart to her has not exactly played out.

I share this to get you think about what happens when a couple cycles through on-off. Reconciliation does not always mean a happy ending, especially when one person is so invested and the other just isn't. You can do better. Now is your chance to avoid more pain for yourself in the future. 

 

[Beachead]

@ExpatInItaly

@lee179108

Good post Expat.    

When my ex and I got together, she was having some problems with her boyfriend at the time.  They were some strange break.  Her status online was "Single" and at the time she started to chat with me.  Over the weeks, those chats grew in length.  She'd make flirty remarks or charm me.  Anyway I chose to give it a shot for my own reasons  but we never really had much of a relationship (If you could call it a relationship) as this was a girl that spent a lot of her time complaining about her now ex.  I won't waste time talking about what happened with us, but I will mention some of her complaints.

She'd say she didn't feel like she had her own identity.  Everyone she knew, everything she did was tied to him.   She complained how he was rude to her in public.  In some instances, would go out with other girls, against her wishes.  He'd often be consumed with his music and his bandmates and she'd feel largely neglected.  I recall her complaining about him and his family's religious ideas as they were both different religions.

I broke it off, knowing I was being used, and she went back to him immediately.  The night she told me she was, I asked her  "What about all those complaints?  What happened to all that?" to which she said  "I don't know how to be with anyone else".   There was also something else she said that went along the lines of "Had I not met you, I probably would have stayed with him."   So, sometimes I wonder, just how happy she really is, going back for reasons like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2020 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Breaks for whatever reason, are to friend zone you while she shops around.

Her health mental or otherwise doesn't matter as much as her parking you off in the distance.

This is about you and your need to hang on to avoid dealing with your own life.

[lee179108]

Oh she knows im never going to be just a friend... no way!     its just weird how she went from strongly loving me, missing me.. she expressed it in so many ways to and planned for the future like kids, marriage and all that... like she was very needy at times and was so loving. Then this phase came and then she tells me shes having a breakdown mentally..  like I said i dont know what will happen or how she will feel once she gets the councelling and starts her work routine back..  but id be shocked if she replied now. I dont think I left it on terms where she could just text me friendly stuff you know...  it has to be adult conversations about the whole situation.. that being said if i meet someone else who I click with then I wont even listen I guess...  i dont know, Ive never been in a situation where an ex reaches out and im dating someone..

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't worry about what may or may not happen with her, OP. It's a lot of mental gymnastics that just gets exhausting for you after a while. 

I know it's very hard not to speculate and wonder, and ponder the "What if's?" Hard not to see hope in what happened last time and wonder if this time will be the same.

However, the only information you know for sure is what she is telling you now - which is that this has come to an end. You're going to be far better off treating this as final, and proceed with healing. That way, regardless of what happens with her in the future (or not), you will be in a stronger and more balanced emotional place. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Oh she knows im never going to be just a friend..

But that's how you keep positioning yourself.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Oh she knows im never going to be just a friend... no way!     its just weird how she went from strongly loving me, missing me.. she expressed it in so many ways to and planned for the future like kids, marriage and all that... like she was very needy at times and was so loving. Then this phase came and then she tells me shes having a breakdown mentally..  like I said i dont know what will happen or how she will feel once she gets the councelling and starts her work routine back..  but id be shocked if she replied now. I dont think I left it on terms where she could just text me friendly stuff you know...  it has to be adult conversations about the whole situation.. that being said if i meet someone else who I click with then I wont even listen I guess...  i dont know, Ive never been in a situation where an ex reaches out and im dating someone..

You sound more clear and firm about what you want, which is good.  Keep to it and protect your heart.  

Don't try to analyze why her moods and thoughts were all over the place.  You won't get the answers. I doubt she even knows herself.   The only piece of information you need is that whatever was going on in her mind, ultimately led to her breaking up and leaving.   She's gone, and by her choice too.   You knowing why won't change that outcome.  

And that's how I looked at my breakup.

At the time when the break up was incredibly fresh, my heart tried to make sense of her behaviour but the more I thought about it, the more confused I got.   This girl also told me she loved me, saw a future, wanted kids (Which changed from her not wanting any kids).   She said I naturally did things she wanted, in the relationship, that her ex never did in the 4-5 years they were together.  Said things like "Why couldn't I have met you sooner."   Like I said..there was a LOT of complaining about her ex and comparing me to her ex with him being on the unfavourable side of it..and yet, she ran back to him and married him.

It was extremely difficult to comprehend how a person could be that way with me, and then go on with her life, like that.  But that's actually how I made my peace with things.  Didn't matter what she said or did or felt.  At the end of the day, all the conversations, the experiences, the memories, would have been enough for her to stay, if she wanted it.  But all of it amounted to her willingly leaving, and she stayed gone too.  That's the all the answer I ever needed, to help me get on with my life.  

- Beach

 

[lee179108]

21 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

You sound more clear and firm about what you want, which is good.  Keep to it and protect your heart.  

Don't try to analyze why her moods and thoughts were all over the place.  You won't get the answers. I doubt she even knows herself.   The only piece of information you need is that whatever was going on in her mind, ultimately led to her breaking up and leaving.   She's gone, and by her choice too.   You knowing why won't change that outcome.  

And that's how I looked at my breakup.

At the time when the break up was incredibly fresh, my heart tried to make sense of her behaviour but the more I thought about it, the more confused I got.   This girl also told me she loved me, saw a future, wanted kids (Which changed from her not wanting any kids).   She said I naturally did things she wanted, in the relationship, that her ex never did in the 4-5 years they were together.  Said things like "Why couldn't I have met you sooner."   Like I said..there was a LOT of complaining about her ex and comparing me to her ex with him being on the unfavourable side of it..and yet, she ran back to him and married him.

It was extremely difficult to comprehend how a person could be that way with me, and then go on with her life, like that.  But that's actually how I made my peace with things.  Didn't matter what she said or did or felt.  At the end of the day, all the conversations, the experiences, the memories, would have been enough for her to stay, if she wanted it.  But all of it amounted to her willingly leaving, and she stayed gone too.  That's the all the answer I ever needed, to help me get on with my life.  

- Beach

 

Why do you doubt she doesn't know herself???   to be honest I know right at this time that its gone, but it did confuse me a lot her saying there may not be an us instead of just saying there wont be an us. Like I said ive left it all in a position now where she cannot text me on friendly terms, it has to be on a serious note about our situation etc...  but yeah she wont text me again. But I do think me not even wishing her a happy birthday in 2 weeks will send some sort of message. The worst part for me is when im in the house alone as i cant stop thinking different things, hopefully in time i will get better. 

I do believe that she does have some sort of mental health issue, especially after her mom told me as i have an amazing relationship with her. Im not saying thats the reason for the breakup but it did affect our relationship. Even if she does reach out again in future im not sure how i will feel because I will always think about the what ifs and if she will do this again.

Edited August 29, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[Beachead]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Why do you doubt she doesn't know herself???

She got together with you the first time thinking its what she wanted.  Then she broke up with you thinking its what she wanted.  2 months later she comes back, thinking its what she wanted.  Breaks up with you again thinking its what she wanted.  She "loves you" one minute and needs a clean break, the next.  That's not someone who's sure of what they want out of life or from you.    

The ups and downs are important to notice because it shows the amount of conflict and contradiction in her behaviour which have slowly and progressively pulled your relationship apart from the first time, she broke up with you.  Peoples choices and actions are the primary indicator for what they want.  Sometimes they just don't know it yet or are unwilling to admit it, because they haven't done the necessary introspection or they are afraid to address the underlying causes.

A partner who's sure of what they want, and how they feel wouldn't display this unpredictability.  You'll receive reliability and stability instead.  You won't be pulling your hair out, trying to figure things out.  You won't feel like your left in the dark.  Your anxiety will be minimal because their behaviour with you is so respectful.  Basically, you'd feel so good in the relationship that you wouldn't even think about Loveshack.   Even if there are problems, they're discussed, solutions are talked out.  Apologies are made.  Change occurs and it moves in the direction that strengthens the relationship.  They see a future with you and they don't want to jeopardize it, because they know they'll regret it if they do, so they don't put you or the relationship in a position, where they could lose it, as a result.   There is always forward momentum in healthy relationships.

- Beach

 

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

She got together with you the first time thinking its what she wanted.  Then she broke up with you thinking its what she wanted.  2 months later she comes back, thinking its what she wanted.  Breaks up with you again thinking its what she wanted.  She "loves you" one minute and needs a clean break, the next.  That's not someone who's sure of what they want out of life or from you.    

The ups and downs are important to notice because it shows the amount of conflict and contradiction in her behaviour which have slowly and progressively pulled your relationship apart from the first time, she broke up with you.  Peoples choices and actions are the primary indicator for what they want.  Sometimes they just don't know it yet or are unwilling to admit it, because they haven't done the necessary introspection or they are afraid to address the underlying causes.

A partner who's sure of what they want, and how they feel wouldn't display this unpredictability.  You'll receive reliability and stability instead.  You won't be pulling your hair out, trying to figure things out.  You won't feel like your left in the dark.  Your anxiety will be minimal because their behaviour with you is so respectful.  Basically, you'd feel so good in the relationship that you wouldn't even think about Loveshack.   Even if there are problems, they're discussed, solutions are talked out.  Apologies are made.  Change occurs and it moves in the direction that strengthens the relationship.  They see a future with you and they don't want to jeopardize it, because they know they'll regret it if they do, so they don't put you or the relationship in a position, where they could lose it, as a result.   There is always forward momentum in healthy relationships.

- Beach

 

 

Right, my friends think she will reach out sometime based on her doing this before and her actions of coming back at certain times and they find it weird how she said there may never be us.. im not so sure though because it feels different this time. She's told me before when we were fine that she is messed up in the head and instead of talking to me sometimes she always confides in her mom as they have that best friend mother daughter relationship. Everytime theres an issue or before making a decision she talks to her mom about it. Her mom is nice though, she just supports her and says to go with her own choice.  

She is a late starter in life though, 27 in 2 weeks and still lives at home due to only finishing college last year and getting her first job. Couple months ago she was going to move in with me next year, then she wanted her own place for her own independence... now when all this happened she's said shes not mentally ready for her own place but that will come in time. I dont know, I do blame myself at times for being too needy or available... but i guess I've learnt that the hard way now. One thing's for sure I KNOW that I treated her well and spoilt her. I understand when she said that i act like i dont have a life without her as i was never doing things with friends etc... but at the time we were in lockdown so I couldnt...    i guess being an hour away from friends, living on my own when they are all settled down its not that easy for me. Hopefully I will meet someone and I look back on this thinking why was I worrying so much about the future. 

 

[lee179108]

Really struggling with this mentally so far, I cant talk to my parents about it because they are old fashioned, tell me to grow up, get over it and so on  and shes not worth it etc..  but yeah we did have amazing chemistry and times together, we were there for one another and more. 

Also wish I could stop acting crazy...  i have blocked her on instagram, but I go on there to unblock her to see how many posts she has because if its still the same that means her photos with me are still on there... I go crazy thinking she might be with another guy...  even thought she said shes staying single...    i also know her number in my head, so ill add it into whatsapp to see if shes online sometimes and then delete her number again...  I feel like im crazy and I know I have to stop this and I will try!!!      i wonder if she will come back like last time, if she will miss me like she has before and what will she think as she has a lot to be reminded of me. I also feel like if I date again i would be comparing them to her...        i hope this gets better. My friends I think ive talked to them enough about her and think she will reach out at some point due to doing so before... because I havent left it at bad terms with her, just at a point where she cant reach out as friends, it has to be about the situation....  so I guess this is why I come on here.  I hate the times Im alone in my house because thats when it hits the most, wondering if I ever will settle down and have someone. Even if she did reach out again I'd stupidly have no idea what to say, if I was sane I would not speak to her ever again or let her hurt me again. But yeah I cant stop wondering.. this time it just feels like she wont. 

[Wiseman2]

Can you take this time to see a doctor? Get a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort some things out in your own life.

[lee179108]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you take this time to see a doctor? Get a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort some things out in your own life.

I dont think im Ill, and a therapist will just tell me to focus on myself, do things.. and I will have to pay them a lot of money....    I go to the gym, circuit training, I walk...  my friends live an hour away near my parents house but they have their own lives.  I guess I'm just confused about it all, how she went from one thing to another... yeah she hasnt had her councelling or work routine back yet, and yeah im confused her saying shes gonna be single then say there may not be an us...  and how this is what she said last year and even worse things like telling me to move on etc... but came back after 2 months when she missed me. I guess im eager to see what the future holds, and worried that im going to be alone long term, but obviously i miss her as well. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It does get better, lee. 

It hurts a lot now, because it’s still so fresh and so foreign. You’re going through the usual motions of an unwanted break-up. Trying to make sense of it, analyzing the details, getting caught up in minutiae. All totally normal, albeit unpleasant. 

The old cliche is valid: take it a day at a time, and trust the process. Rather than thinking too far ahead, which can be overwhelming, focus on getting through one day. And then the next. And then you’ll get through the week, and so on. Trust that as you go, you will slowly start to feel a little better.  

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It does get better, lee. 

It hurts a lot now, because it’s still so fresh and so foreign. You’re going through the usual motions of an unwanted break-up. Trying to make sense of it, analyzing the details, getting caught up in minutiae. All totally normal, albeit unpleasant. 

The old cliche is valid: take it a day at a time, and trust the process. Rather than thinking too far ahead, which can be overwhelming, focus on getting through one day. And then the next. And then you’ll get through the week, and so on. Trust that as you go, you will slowly start to feel a little better.  

Thank you,  when I went through a breakup before like 3 years ago I got over it through meeting my now ex gf... that took 4 to 5 months...   this one hurts a lot because i had so much in common with her, we did a lot of stuff and we were just amazing together most of the time. Stupidly enough I want her to reach out again...  whatever it is..  the only way I see her reaching out is to update me on her mental health... but like I said I dont see it happening. The last thing I said was for her to reach out when she feels better, clear minded and to talk me about it all and then we can see where we can go slowly and she didnt reply. I didnt expect her too, I dont know if she will feel anything by me not wishing her a happy birthday in 2 weeks, but I know im never going to talk to her again unless she says something. I dont know if I should trust what my friends say...  that she always comes back at some point because she has done before and when I go quiet she reaches out.. but yeah not so sure this time.   I will try to take it one day at a time... 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

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Also wish I could stop acting crazy...  i have blocked her on instagram, but I go on there to unblock her to see how many posts she has because if its still the same that means her photos with me are still on there... I go crazy thinking she might be with another guy...  even thought she said shes staying single...    i also know her number in my head, so ill add it into whatsapp to see if shes online sometimes and then delete her number again... 

No its not crazy.  It's grief and its very common.  You didn't want your relationship to end but it ended anyway.  She was a part of your life for a significant period of time and that time and energy you invested into her and the relationship, meant something to you.  Otherwise why would you have invested in it?  So ofcourse its difficult.  Currently, your "Crazy" behaviour is just your mind still being programmed to carry out the routine of being with her when that program no longer applies to your life, because it doesn't exist.   There's this disconnect you feel.  This void.   You end up functioning like a drug-addict looking to get his fix and clear his withdrawal symptoms.  Her being your fix.  But if you want to get passed this, you've got to power through the symptoms.  They will subside.  I promise you that.  

Your pain will subside with time but first you will have to clock in several months of time without her in your life, to start breaking that hope that she will return.  You need to experience it so that you can come to realize "Wow, she can go on with her life and she's fine not contacting me."   When you get there, you will begin to naturally face the end of your relationship and look towards the future.

You will need some down time to allow your mind to wander and feel this pain so that you can work through it and get passed it.  You won't heal if you don't feel it.  Feeling it is absolutely necessary.   At the same time, do take care of yourself.  Continue to live your life.  Work on things that bring you purpose and self-accomplishment.  Exercise .  Eat well. Sleep.   Spend time with people who care to see you and show you love, to remind yourself you are loved by others.  Just don't make yourself so busy that you start using it as a means to avoid feeling your pain.  As I said, you need to feel it.

Also, as I mentioned before..write.  Vent your emotions out.  Think about 2 things your grateful for in your life that you have, that you can appreciate.  And, think about yourself and what you want for your life.  Don't make that want a relationship or a person.  It has to be something that brings you purpose and self-accomplishment for yourself.   Write about that as well.

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I also feel like if I date again i would be comparing them to her...       

Don't date.  Dating can potentially lead to more and you won't be ready for it if it happens.  You need time to grieve and if you get into a relationship with someone new, you'll end up grieving in the relationship with them.  You'll hurt them because you won't be 100% committed and you will feel worse about yourself. Don't introduce new feelings into your life, when you are still thinking about hers and trying to mend yours.  It's asking for complication.  

- Beach

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

. I dont know if I should trust what my friends say...  that she always comes back at some point because she has done before and when I go quiet she reaches out.. but yeah not so sure this time.   I will try to take it one day at a time... 

Your friends are trying to comfort you. They, like you, cannot predict with any certainty what will happen with her. Friends have a way of telling us what we want to hear, simply in an attempt to help us have a little hope even if that's not the most healthy approach in some situations.

All you can do now is focus on the business of healing. Don't worry about dating right now. You aren't ready. When you are, you won't find yourself comparing them to her as much, because you will be better able to see the things that were wrong in this relationship too.  

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Relationships are not to fix your problems. Whether it's rebounds or ignoring your own anxiety and depression.

In fact trying to fix her was all about managing your own issues. Albeit in a very unhealthy manner by projecting and blaming her for your inner turmoil.

[lee179108]

Yeah, I sooo want to put a WhatsApp status on so she looks at it so I know if shes deleted me or not. I keep thinking she will try it out with her friend who she had weird feelings for...  even though she said shes blocked and deleted him off all platforms and there's no hard feelings with him and she wants to be single for the time being...  so ibe come here to vent...  havent put a status up...  but its so hard not to 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I sooo want to put a WhatsApp status on so she looks at it so I know if shes deleted me or not. 

So you basically want to do the modern equivalent of the old drive by their house to see if their home ploy? 

She shouldn't be able to see your status.  You should be disconnected on all platforms.  

[lee179108]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

So you basically want to do the modern equivalent of the old drive by their house to see if their home ploy? 

She shouldn't be able to see your status.  You should be disconnected on all platforms.  

She is on instagram, but whatsapp if I have her number she can see it... I dont know.. my heads out of control right now... part of me says stay silent as that will do more... 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I sooo want to put a WhatsApp status on so she looks at it so I know if shes deleted me or not. 

Don't do this. 

You need to start doing more to help yourself move on. I realize it's tempting to try to seek a dumper's validation in some way, but all this is doing is prolonging your own misery. 

Let's say you do it anyway, and she looks and still says nothing to you. What will you do with that? Not blocking/deleting you doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have only ever blocked and deleted one ex, because he was starting to harass me and I wanted him gone. The rest? They're in my contacts somewhere, probably. Never had a need to block or delete any of them. Or are you hoping she will respond to your status in some way? 

On the flip side, let's say you do post this status, and she doesn't look. Then what? You will probably be hurt that she didn't, hurt at the thought she's deleted you and so on. 

This is a lose-lose idea, is my point. Being deleted/blocked from What's App It means little in the grand scheme of things. 

[lee179108]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't do this. 

You need to start doing more to help yourself move on. I realize it's tempting to try to seek a dumper's validation in some way, but all this is doing is prolonging your own misery. 

Let's say you do it anyway, and she looks and still says nothing to you. What will you do with that? Not blocking/deleting you doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have only ever blocked and deleted one ex, because he was starting to harass me and I wanted him gone. The rest? They're in my contacts somewhere, probably. Never had a need to block or delete any of them. Or are you hoping she will respond to your status in some way? 

On the flip side, let's say you do post this status, and she doesn't look. Then what? You will probably be hurt that she didn't, hurt at the thought she's deleted you and so on. 

This is a lose-lose idea, is my point. Being deleted/blocked from What's App It means little in the grand scheme of things. 

Ok I wont do it

[lee179108]

But if I did do it and she looked at least I would know she hasnt deleted me... even if she dont say anything. Only other method of contact shed have for me is email. 

[lee179108]

So today is her first councelling assessment and I cant help but wonder about it. No I have not and will not say anything to her about it. I keep thinking if she really is mentally unwell and how these sessions and her work will affect her. Im not saying shel reach out to me but weather they will get her head back into the place she was before. Guess im just coming on here again to vent.