How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[Beachead]

@ExpatInItaly @lee179108

Quote

if someone really wants you in their life, they're not going to opt out.

Yep.   True, we don't know what were reasons are for sure, but we don't need to know for sure.  You just have to apply a little intuition and sense to it, to understand, the significance of a breakup and how powerful of message it is sending.

Your ex had you in every way a person who'd want a relationship with someone, would appreciate; intimately, physically, emotionally etc.  All she had to do was be in that relationship and you two would have likely married and had a life together and everything would have been right.  But she let you go even though letting you go would mean you would likely end up with someone else.  That you'd have sex with someone else.  Have children with someone else.  And she'd no longer be in your life.   She was willing to accept that.

Ordinarily, this is the stuff of a tragic nightmare to anyone who sees a future with someone else.  

How you'd feel if she moved on with someone else?  I know for a fact the idea of my exes being with someone new, devastated me.  When you want the relationship, you don't choose out of it.  You choose into it.   ..and your ex, Lee, has chosen out of it more than once  by her dumping you twice and allowing herself to catch feelings for someone new.  

She might come back and you two may get back together, and as happy as you may be for a short while,  it doesn't change the above.  So at some point again, all of that will once again show its ugly face, and you'll be back to dealing with all this.   

This is all painful to accept which is why it takes many people, months to come to acceptance of it.  For all my experience having been on the receiving end of being dumped, I'd still struggle with my thoughts.  Breakups will always be difficult.  But what I tell you above, helps cut the bs out, and get you right to the point, so that you can just get on with the crappy process.

For now, I know you don't even want to think about it.  You just want to fantasize thoughts of her returning to you.  Do what you need to do and you'll figure it out when you do.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

It hurts to think that 2 years with me with all the amazing times we had and more that she can just move on and not think about me... I mean I get shes now started to be busy and back in a work routine and her councelling appointment was rearranged to the end of the month.   Its really playing on my mind  where its her birthday in a week, do i or do i not wish her a happy birthday...  im strongly thinking to not do that.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

It hurts to think that 2 years with me with all the amazing times we had and more that she can just move on and not think about me...

I think this is where you need to be more honest with yourself, lee. 

Those two years were not always so amazing, were they? I don't mean to minimize the good times, as any relationship usually does have its awesome times. But, things started to go downhill from the first break-up.  She hasn't had both feet in the door - truly in the door - at least since then. If she had, well, she wouldn't have ended it a second time. 

So while you can certainly reflect on the fond memories, it's important to come to terms with the fact that this hadn't been a solid relationship for quite some time. That's why she's seemingly able to move on here. She's been emotionally absent for longer than you realized. When dumpers leave, they've usually already processed the end of the relationship to a much greater degree than the dumpee, because they're the ones who were thinking of leaving. It's not that she doesn't think of you, but she'd already worked though the emotional detachment and thus isn't struggling with the same feelings you are. Thinking of you doesn't equal wanting to get back together, in other words. 

And yes, it's a hurtful process to go through. I really feel for you. It will take time, and you'll have good days and bad. But the sting and pain does slowly fade. And when it does, I think you will see what we're all seeing now. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

I'm with everything Expat said. 

The decision to breakup is never impulsive.  She likely spent a long time in the relationship weighing out the pros and cons of staying or leaving.  She likely did it while you two spent time together and when she was alone, only you didn't know about it, because she wasn't ready to tell you.  Either she wasn't entirely sure of how she felt or she didn't know she was feeling it.   Although you felt your relationship was great, she had a different experience.  Every interaction, every conversation, the intimacy..she perceived it all differently from you.   In the end, that experience drove her to a decision to leave.  I know its painful and disillusioning.

But as I said many times in the past, it's not your fault.  It's not your sole responsibility to ensure the success of your relationship.  You can't compete with external factors pertaining to her in which you have minimal control over.  All you can do is be the best you can be and hope she'll see the value in that and stick with you.

Regarding wishing her,  I doubt that sentiment is for her.  It's more for you, to test her interest or because you want something back in return;  a response that is to your satisfaction for example.    But you'll get one that's either dry and short and emotionless or something that might give you more to dwell on.  In the end, you'll still feel empty, because you won't be getting what you ultimately want; a relationship with her.

She knows you care.  She knows how you feel.  She just doesn't care enough to do anything about it, and why would she?  She's the one that broke it off.

You don't have to prove anything more to her anymore.  She already made her decision.

- Beach

 

Edited September 7, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Yeah, I just thought if there was any slight chance she would reach out in future to talk... if I dont say happy birthday then it might make her think like ive moved on and dont care so theres no point in her reaching out...   but like I said im not going to do it as there doesnt seem to be much of a point to.   

[S2B]

IF she really really wanted to communicate with you- nothing would stop her.

move forward and don’t look back. 
 

find someone who really values you above all else.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I just thought if there was any slight chance she would reach out in future to talk... if I dont say happy birthday then it might make her think like ive moved on and dont care so theres no point in her reaching out...   but like I said im not going to do it as there doesnt seem to be much of a point to.   

That ship has sailed already. 

If she were worried about you moving on, she wouldn't have ended the relationship. 

[lee179108]

Yeah true I suppose, last year that was the case anyway.. but I guess its different this time.. over a week so far without any contact...  

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah true I suppose, last year that was the case anyway.. but I guess its different this time.. over a week so far without any contact...  

This is for the better in the long-run, even if it doesn't feel that way now. 

Sporadic contact from her would only give you false hope, which isn't fair to you. It's better than her words and actions (that she wants to be single) are consistent. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[lee179108]

Last year it was weird.. id get the odd text here and there... maybe go a week or two without contact and shed pop up again.. then time went by and she missed me... but i dont think that will happen this time around.. guess you never know, considering her first councelling session is at the end of the month. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Last year it was weird.. id get the odd text here and there... maybe go a week or two without contact and shed pop up again.. then time went by and she missed me... but i dont think that will happen this time around.. guess you never know, considering her first councelling session is at the end of the month. 

But if you're basing your expectations around what happened last time, then it stands to reason she will break up with you again if you reconcile. 

I know it's really hard, but you have to stop pinning your hopes on this therapy session. You've mentioned that and her work schedule several times so I can only assume you're hoping that once she gets her life sorted, she will want you back. The issue is that it might work in exactly the opposite way too, meaning she could potentially just want to wipe the slate clean and start completely fresh. 

The other point to remember is that this was likely not all down to her mental health. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Last year it was weird.. id get the odd text here and there... maybe go a week or two without contact and shed pop up again.. then time went by and she missed me... but i dont think that will happen this time around.. guess you never know, considering her first councelling session is at the end of the month. 

Breakups are never easy. From your thread, I get the impression that you refuse to let go of her. That's not healthy. She broke up with you. And this wasn't the first time. Whether or not she has a mental health problem really isn't your business anymore, b/c you're her ex-boyfriend now. So, you really don't get to continue being a part of her life anymore. 

I'm really sorry, OP. I know you are in a lot of emotional pain. It's obvious from your posts that you still love her and care about her. But, you can't control the outcome of her life and that's what I see you obsessing about; how to control the outcome of her choices in order to influence her to take you back. 

You've only gone 7 days without contact, correct? The first week after a breakup is hard. Others have advise you wisely; go 100% no contact with her. You will not heal from this breakup, as long as you throw breadcrumbs of contact at her, hoping she replies and then reading into her replies as having some hidden meaning. That's not a healthy way to cope. 

2 years is a good amount of time to be in a relationship and it can be tricky to fully remove yourself from the other person. But, you have to do that. You need to leave her alone and allow yourself to heal. The longer you hang on to false hope, dwell on the past, overanalyze the present, you will not have a future with the right woman. If she were the right woman, she'd still be with you. She is not. So, you need to let go now. 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Breakups are never easy. From your thread, I get the impression that you refuse to let go of her. That's not healthy. She broke up with you. And this wasn't the first time. Whether or not she has a mental health problem really isn't your business anymore, b/c you're her ex-boyfriend now. So, you really don't get to continue being a part of her life anymore. 

I'm really sorry, OP. I know you are in a lot of emotional pain. It's obvious from your posts that you still love her and care about her. But, you can't control the outcome of her life and that's what I see you obsessing about; how to control the outcome of her choices in order to influence her to take you back. 

You've only gone 7 days without contact, correct? The first week after a breakup is hard. Others have advise you wisely; go 100% no contact with her. You will not heal from this breakup, as long as you throw breadcrumbs of contact at her, hoping she replies and then reading into her replies as having some hidden meaning. That's not a healthy way to cope. 

2 years is a good amount of time to be in a relationship and it can be tricky to fully remove yourself from the other person. But, you have to do that. You need to leave her alone and allow yourself to heal. The longer you hang on to false hope, dwell on the past, overanalyze the present, you will not have a future with the right woman. If she were the right woman, she'd still be with you. She is not. So, you need to let go now. 

Thanks for your advice, yes I miss and love her.. I wish she didnt push me away and go from loving me and afraid of losing me in one day to then breaking up in the next.  All sort of thoughts have gone through my head about what she is doing now.. just somehow got to blank it out.  We have been away from eachother for just over 3 weeks now, she officially broke up like 2 weeks ago  and its been 7 days no contact almost... so yeah... I will update you all if something happens. Shes very stubborn as well and will keep busy to not get depressed or think about me.  I hope at some point she thinks about me... and I hope i can forget about her. I never wanted to thrown in the towel on her and always wanted to support and work through her issues and any we may have. I just wish she felt the same and could confide in me to work through things instead of pushing me away. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 I just wish she felt the same and could confide in me to work through things instead of pushing me away. 

She is who she is.  Letting it go is about accepting the real her, and not the version you wanted her to be; that romanticized version where she was this beautiful girl who was perfect and got away.    Rather, she was someone who didn't seem to have her feelings or thoughts figured out.  She was all over the place and you were put through a rollercoaster as a result.  The pain you are feeling right now is not a joke.  That's your time and life you could have committed to being with someone who wouldn't have done what she did.  Instead you have now grieve this and slowly heal from it.    She had a different experience in the relationship than you.  Although you felt like your relationship was great, that experience amounted to her leaving.

You will need time to see it this way though.  

Don't try to blank the hurt away.  You'll end up not dealing with your own feelings about the breakup.  It's important you acknowledge and let yourself feel it now, while its out in the open and while you actually emotionally access it.   This way you can work through it.   If you bury, your feelings won't work itself out.  It'll sit there and rot inside of you and will postpone the day you'll feel it again.  In some cases, it may just manifest itself deep into your psyche and influence your decisions about relationships, career, life etc. and you may never realize it.   People do this all the time because its easy.  But its not healthy.  So make sure you continue to let yourself feel things.

What you should focus on right now regarding this is expressing your hurt and discussing healthy ways to help you cope, to smoothen the healing process and get you recovering.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Beachead

[S2B]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Thanks for your advice, yes I miss and love her.. I wish she didnt push me away and go from loving me and afraid of losing me in one day to then breaking up in the next.  All sort of thoughts have gone through my head about what she is doing now.. just somehow got to blank it out.  We have been away from eachother for just over 3 weeks now, she officially broke up like 2 weeks ago  and its been 7 days no contact almost... so yeah... I will update you all if something happens. Shes very stubborn as well and will keep busy to not get depressed or think about me.  I hope at some point she thinks about me... and I hope i can forget about her. I never wanted to thrown in the towel on her and always wanted to support and work through her issues and any we may have. I just wish she felt the same and could confide in me to work through things instead of pushing me away. 

So ya, it’s over. Best to get used to it being over.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 8/20/2020 at 4:34 PM, lee179108 said:

So long story short, I've posted on here before of how a relationship i had with my ex came to an end last week...  weve been together 2 years, shes 27 and lives with her parents, im 29 and live on my own 50 minutes away. I will try break this down as simple as I can:

 

On 8/20/2020 at 4:34 PM, lee179108 said:

"How do I deal with an ex..."

 

Here, I can break it down more concisely for you.

 

(unless you share children)...  you DON'T ...  (deal with an ex...)    (you're free, you don't have to...)   (it's the 'break' you both need)

 

You've needlessly complicated this basic reality solely for your own entertainment.

 

Stop doing it.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 I just wish she felt the same and could confide in me to work through things instead of pushing me away. 

A painful truth? 

There is a difference between pushing someone away, and just plain not wanting to date them anymore.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

You don't have to eliminate all channels of communication, if you're still curious about whether she'll contact you again (Though I strongly encourage you to try and focus on her being gone for good).  There's two things you can do as a transitional step out of contact, if you don't want to jump into the ocean and block her number on your phone.

1. Write her number out on a small sheet of paper and stick it someplace where you won't see it.  Then delete her number off of your phone.  It'll be removed from your Whatsapp as well.   But she can still contact you whenever she wants either on Whatsapp or through text/call.  

OR

2. Write her number out on a small sheet of paper and stick it someplace where you won't see it.  Block on whatsapp so that no contact or activity is possible or visible on both ends...and then delete her number off of the phone itself.  She will still be able to text or call through the phone if she wishes.  If she really wants to, she will.

But to redundantly remind you, her contacting you or coming back into your life, will not imply everything is fine and dandy.  There is that issue of trust.  How does she prove she's trustworthy when she's let you go twice?  What reason would you have to believe her?  How do you two move passed this genuinely?  This is what you will be dealing with.

I used these transitioning out techniques to help myself during my post-breakup experiences.  It helped.

- Beach

 

 

Edited September 9, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

3 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

You don't have to eliminate all channels of communication, if you're still curious about whether she'll contact you again (Though I strongly encourage you to try and focus on her being gone for good).  There's two things you can do as a transitional step out of contact, if you don't want to jump into the ocean and block her number on your phone.

1. Write her number out on a small sheet of paper and stick it someplace where you won't see it.  Then delete her number off of your phone.  It'll be removed from your Whatsapp as well.   But she can still contact you whenever she wants either on Whatsapp or through text/call.  

OR

2. Write her number out on a small sheet of paper and stick it someplace where you won't see it.  Block on whatsapp so that no contact or activity is possible or visible on both ends...and then delete her number off of the phone itself.  She will still be able to text or call through the phone if she wishes.  If she really wants to, she will.

But to redundantly remind you, her contacting you or coming back into your life, will not imply everything is fine and dandy.  There is that issue of trust.  How does she prove she's trustworthy when she's let you go twice?  What reason would you have to believe her?  How do you two move passed this genuinely?  This is what you will be dealing with.

I used these transitioning out techniques to help myself during my post-breakup experiences.  It helped.

- Beach

 

 

I know her number in my head, ive deleted it off my phone but she can still whatsapp if she has my number...  blocked her on insta weeks ago and she knows my reasons...  she has my email... i dont know if shes deleted my number and if not i dont know if she will when i dont wish her happy birthday next week.. but who knows.. i guess if she does or did want to contact me somehow then she would.. but like i said I really dont think she will now. 

[lee179108]

over 1 week of NC now...  i feel a bit better than I was 2 or 3 seeks ago.. but i still think about it..  especially as its her birthday in 3 days... but im sticking to it and staying quiet.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lee179108 said:

over 1 week of NC now...  i feel a bit better than I was 2 or 3 seeks ago.. but i still think about it..  especially as its her birthday in 3 days... but im sticking to it and staying quiet.. 

I think that's best. 

Wishing her a happy birthday will likely only set you back, as you'll be waiting for her reply, analyzing each word she uses, trying to search for deeper meaning - all the things we often do when we're hurting and looking for hope. It will do more harm than good for you, in other words. 

Stay strong, lee. You got this. 

[Beachead]

13 hours ago, lee179108 said:

over 1 week of NC now...  i feel a bit better than I was 2 or 3 seeks ago.. but i still think about it..  especially as its her birthday in 3 days... but im sticking to it and staying quiet.. 

Ofcourse you're still thinking about it.  Things are fresh.    I know to you, 1.5 weeks feels like an eternity.  In the grand scheme of your healing though, it's just the beginning.  You have hope you still have to kill, and you won't be able to kill it willingly.  It'll require time.  Expect something like 6 minimum for you to begin genuinely feeling better, without hope being an influential factor in those good moods.  It's the kind of time that'll allow you to see that your ex can live without you, which will force you to embrace the reality that you relationship is over.  Once you get there, you'll begin to let go.   But you won't be able to rush this.  You will only be able to make the process as comfortable as possible.  That's why its now important you look after yourself, and not injure yourself staying in contact with her.  It will be exhausting as it is.  You don't want to add to it by keeping yourself in limbo.

Just remember, if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you.  She was the one who chose this.  That's not to fault her in anyway but you don't owe her anything.  Not even a birthday wish.  That is for you.  To help you heal.  Not to make her realize she misses you.  But to help you.

Edited September 12, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think that's best. 

Wishing her a happy birthday will likely only set you back, as you'll be waiting for her reply, analyzing each word she uses, trying to search for deeper meaning - all the things we often do when we're hurting and looking for hope. It will do more harm than good for you, in other words. 

Stay strong, lee. You got this. 

Thank You, when i did whatsapp statuses she still looks at them... but you're right i analyze everything..  i know i cant say anything on her birthday and i wont.. i dont know if she will think about me on that day, sure I'll think of her but yeah.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

i dont know if she will think about me on that day, sure I'll think of her but yeah.

She will think of you on her birthday and from time to time.   You two shared a significantly long relationship, filled with conversations, fun times, and all kinds of experiences.  It was a part of her life as well and it carries value for her.  People don't end up with amnesia and forget things like that  just because they break it off.     It's just that those thoughts of you that she encounters doesn't amount to her wanting to get back together.  So keeping in that in mind, does it matter whether she thinks of you or not, if it doesn't amount to what you want?

 

Edited September 12, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

She will think of you on her birthday and from time to time.   You two shared a significantly long relationship, filled with conversations, fun times, and all kinds of experiences.  It was a part of her life as well and it carries value for her.  People don't end up with amnesia and forget things like that  just because they break it off.     It's just that those thoughts of you that she encounters doesn't amount to her wanting to get back together.  So keeping in that in mind, does it matter whether she thinks of you or not, if it doesn't amount to what you want?

 

True, Its just crazy how shes moving on and not talking to me like nothings happened and it seems so easy for her... whereas I think about it every day.. maybe she is keeping busy to keep her mind straight i dont know... i just hope i get through it.