How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

True, Its just crazy how shes moving on and not talking to me like nothings happened and it seems so easy for her... whereas I think about it every day.. maybe she is keeping busy to keep her mind straight i dont know... i just hope i get through it.  

A couple of things to remember:

1) She knows that talking to you isn't a good idea right now, as it will give you false hope. She also knows you don't want to remain friends if there's no chance for reconciliation, so she's likely also trying to respect that and not reach out if there's nothing more to it for her. 

2) She wanted this break-up, so she was already a lot further along in terms of letting go emotionally. Your timelines for detaching and acceptance and healing are completely different, as they generally are in break-ups that were not mutual. That's why it seems easy for her now.   It doesn't mean she doesn't have moments where she misses your company, but it's not the same was wanting a romantic relationship. Neither is taking a peak at your What's App status - curiosity doesn't necessarily equal desire. It's also the second time this has happened, lending weight to the painful notion that this relationship really wasn't the right one for her.

And you will absolutely get through it. People get through horrible break-ups, ends of much longer relationships and marriages, and even the passing of a partner. Humans are resilient creatures. Trust the process of healing, and know that you will be in a better place a few months from now. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

and it seems so easy for her

It seems that way but its just because she did her "getting over you" while in the relationship with you.  You just weren't aware of it because she dealt with it alone, quietly.  Probably thought about ending things for awhile, weighed out the pros and the cons for month.  Grieved the idea.  By the time she pulled the plug, she was atleast 90% over it.  It was just a matter of taking that leap and dealing with the doubts and the fears.    You are just beginning to face the breakup now because you didn't really prepare for this.  She did.   She has a head start on you. 

She also leads the breakup and knows why she broke up whereas you don't and are at the mercy of following her lead. It all aids to her advantage.

Don't compare your healing pace to hers.  It's not fair to you. 

[Fletch Lives]

I hate to say it but people with mental issues usually are not good catches.

[lee179108]

Well I didnt message her or anything on her birthday yesterday. Still no contact and going on 2 weeks now... I think I did the right thing in not saying a word... but yeah. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Good.  You did make the right call.  I'm confident the best you would have gotten out of that exchange would have been something generic and substance-less like

"Hey thanks.  Hope you're doing well."  

..and then you would have felt even worse. 

The way I see it, she left on her own accord, no matter what her reasons.  You don't owe her anything.

 

 

 

[lee179108]

So now 3 weeks almost NC, still miss her... keep thinking oh shes getting the councelling at the end of this month.. maybe she will reach out after it... but in reality she probly wont..  finding it really hard how shes just erased me...  maybe she's just keeping busy with work etc i dont know.. as stupid as it seems I want her to reach out sometime..  but shes not right now and probly never will again..

 

Even had someone show interest in me, shes good looking, mature, knows what she wants and my type and has stuff in common with me... but then again i still miss my ex...  

[Beachead]

@lee179108

I wouldn't recommend dating right now.  Things are too fresh.  You'd only end up comparing whoever you meet to your ex, which will do you a disservice in the longrun when your lack of ability to move forward, costs you your relationship.  You'd end likely hurting her, yourself and end up feeling worse.  Don't introduce new feelings into your life when you're still working through old ones.    

Quote

 finding it really hard how shes just erased me...

She won't forget you but yes, it certainly feels to you, like she erased you.  One day she was there telling you she loved you, next thing you now, she was gone.  It's horrible.   But all that should tell you is you were with someone who wasn't sure of themselves or their feelings all too well.  Be glad you're not continuing to be in something with someone who would have been falsely leading you on and wasting your time with half-hearted commitment.  That would have been the real tragedy because you wouldn't have known.  Now you do and you can choose to invest your time and energy into taking care of yourself and eventually choosing someone who sees a future with you.   

My best advice is to really pay attention to the process.  Pay attention to how you feel, your thoughts, how you cope, and use those observations to learn how to become skilled at dealing with this pain.  Nobody can ever be prepared for a breakup or heartbreak but one can certainly smooth the process out by knowing themselves, the process by which they go through as they grieve, and knowing healthy ways to cope along the way.  The more tools you have at your disposal, the more likely you'll be able to navigate your way out of it with as minimal damage as possible if such things happen in the future.  Why is this important?  Because those who don't know how to do this (Me included once upon a time) end up making bad choices in their life as a result of the pain their in, which ends up hurting them even more, and they don't even know they're a large cause of it.   So pay attention to the process and take your time with this. 

It'll take awhile to heal but you'll be alright man.  Don't think you're the only person in the world who's ever felt this.  Many have.  There were times the only person I could think of was my ex.  I cried.  I had sleepless nights.  I didn't eat much.  I couldn't help but look at my phone hoping for a text or an call or an email...anything.   I counted the weeks of NC.  Every minute felt like eternity and it was all I could think about. 

Now?  Once in awhile something might hit me yes..but it doesn't last.   

Edited September 23, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

10 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

I wouldn't recommend dating right now.  Things are too fresh.  You'd only end up comparing whoever you meet to your ex, which will do you a disservice in the longrun when your lack of ability to move forward, costs you your relationship.  You'd end likely hurting her, yourself and end up feeling worse.  Don't introduce new feelings into your life when you're still working through old ones.    

She won't forget you but yes, it certainly feels to you, like she erased you.  One day she was there telling you she loved you, next thing you now, she was gone.  It's horrible.   But all that should tell you is you were with someone who wasn't sure of themselves or their feelings all too well.  Be glad you're not continuing to be in something with someone who would have been falsely leading you on and wasting your time with half-hearted commitment.  That would have been the real tragedy because you wouldn't have known.  Now you do and you can choose to invest your time and energy into taking care of yourself and eventually choosing someone who sees a future with you.   

My best advice is to really pay attention to the process.  Pay attention to how you feel, your thoughts, how you cope, and use those observations to learn how to become skilled at dealing with this pain.  Nobody can ever be prepared for a breakup or heartbreak but one can certainly smooth the process out by knowing themselves, the process by which they go through as they grieve, and knowing healthy ways to cope along the way.  The more tools you have at your disposal, the more likely you'll be able to navigate your way out of it with as minimal damage as possible if such things happen in the future.  Why is this important?  Because those who don't know how to do this (Me included once upon a time) end up making bad choices in their life as a result of the pain their in, which ends up hurting them even more, and they don't even know they're a large cause of it.   So pay attention to the process and take your time with this. 

It'll take awhile to heal but you'll be alright man.  Don't think you're the only person in the world who's ever felt this.  Many have.  There were times the only person I could think of was my ex.  I cried.  I had sleepless nights.  I didn't eat much.  I couldn't help but look at my phone hoping for a text or an call or an email...anything.   I counted the weeks of NC.  Every minute felt like eternity and it was all I could think about. 

Now?  Once in awhile something might hit me yes..but it doesn't last.   

I just find it hard...    my head plays games with me thinking oh if shes not reaching out then there must be another guy in the picture... even though she said she was gonna focus on herself for the near future. Whereas I think if you go through a lot with someone then you're bound to think of them and maybe reach out... like she eventually did last year. But yeah feels different this time... and I dont see a point where she will reach out ever again as im the past. Who knows.. if she does ill update you all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

I just find it hard...    my head plays games with me thinking oh if shes not reaching out then there must be another guy in the picture... even though she said she was gonna focus on herself for the near future. Whereas I think if you go through a lot with someone then you're bound to think of them and maybe reach out... like she eventually did last year. But yeah feels different this time... and I dont see a point where she will reach out ever again as im the past. Who knows.. if she does ill update you all. 

This is all pretty typical after a break-up. 

You wonder why she's not contacting you, wondering if she's met someone else, steeling yourself for the possibility you might not hear from her. These thoughts are all totally normal, albeit unpleasant. They'll keep swirling around in your mind for a little while yet. 

Don't focus on her reaching out so much. That one gesture is not as significant as you think is it. Remember instead the bigger problems between you two and her general lack of investment. Remember the back-and-forth, inconsistency and instability of the relationship. That is why it will be so much better to close the door on this, and leave her in your past too. It wouldn't have worked out in the long run. A third reconciliation will lead to a third break-up, and I can't imagine you want to go through this rigmarole yet again. 

I agree with Beachead, too - you're not ready to even think about other women yet. And that's fine. It's going to take a while to heal and really be prepared to date. 

[lee179108]

I know how I used to do whatsapp statuses to get her to react...  then feel something if she did...   but now that she hasn't in 3 weeks or more...   I feel bad...   I take it day by day.   Am I doing the right thing not doing anything?  I sometimes feel not saying happy birthday to her may have been wrong.. I know I dont owe her anything. Just gard to imagine life without her..  

 

 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

Am I doing the right thing not doing anything?

Yes.  

If she wanted to keep you in her life, all she had to do was stay.  She had you.  But..she willingly left you.  Key word..willlingly.   Right now, she is exactly in the position she wanted to be in; out of this relationship and away from you.  You not wishing her happy birthday or attempting to stay in touch, doesn't make any difference here.  In breaking up with you and telling you to move on, she knew and accepted you two going your separate ways.  

It's up to her to take the first step if she chooses to.  Not you.

- Beach

Edited September 26, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Well she never told me to move on... 

Yesterday I stupidly did a whatsapp status of a photo of me in a shirt..   just to see if she would view it because if she didnt that would have meant she deleted me. But she viewed it, then texted me to say that I look good. Again this is weird to me because if shed have moved on or whatever she wouldn't bother reaching out at all.... but yeah I let my head get the better of me so going to try not to do this again.

[elaine567]

53 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Yesterday I stupidly did a whatsapp status of a photo of me in a shirt..   just to see if she would view it because if she didnt that would have meant she deleted me. But she viewed it, then texted me to say that I look good. Again this is weird to me because if shed have moved on or whatever she wouldn't bother reaching out at all....

No, that is not necessarily true.
Moving on can give some the ability and capability to reach out, as they are not emotionally involved any longer.

They reach out as a friend, not as a lover or potential lover.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Well she never told me to move on... 

Yes she did, which you've updated us all on with the following:

On 8/26/2020 at 4:13 PM, lee179108 said:

So today she texted me to say 'Sorry to do this over text, but ive decided to stay single for the near future, i love you as a person but dont see anything more. I want to concentrate on myself for the time being as selfish as that sounds. Thank you for the amazing memories and i hope in time we can be friends'.  She then said she will get better mentally but there may never be an us  and I need to accept that.  To me her saying there MAY never be an us tells me shes still confused or not right in the head. 

The translation for this is move on.  It's implied. Read between the lines and stop allowing your hope to fool you. 

- Beach

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop seeking her attention and validation, lee. 

You keep shooting yourself in the foot here. Be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy. 

[lee179108]

Yeah I know I do.. my head gets the better of me sometimes..   just found it weird why she reached out saying i look good after doing a status, if I broke up with someone I would never do that..  spoken to other people and they said the same.  She told me to move on last year and look what happened.. but yeah its really weird and I keep thinking its unlikely she will want to speak further etc..  but her reaching out like that randomly yesterday.. was pretty weird. 

[Beachead]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah I know I do.. my head gets the better of me sometimes..   just found it weird why she reached out saying i look good after doing a status, if I broke up with someone I would never do that..  spoken to other people and they said the same.  She told me to move on last year and look what happened.. but yeah its really weird and I keep thinking its unlikely she will want to speak further etc..  but her reaching out like that randomly yesterday.. was pretty weird. 

It's selfishness.  It's not always intentional.  Often times, it's weakness. 

Dumpers dump you knowing it's what's best for them, but are not entirely ready to let go and embark on the solo journey just yet, so they might relegate the person they dumped to a backup plan, while transitioning towards a new partner and a new life.  This way, you act as means of comfort and safety for them during the process. 

And when a dumpee is heartbroken and looking for hope that their ex will return, they'll most likely see what they want to see, interpreting every word and every action in the direction they desire.  All I can tell you is, her contacting you doesn't always imply she still wants to be with you, like you think it does. She's simply using your previous connection and her knowledge of your love for her, to simplify her life, at the expense of destroying yours.  

Watch your back and worry about yourself because I can assure you she isn't. 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 just found it weird why she reached out saying i look good after doing a status, if I broke up with someone I would never do that..  spoken to other people and they said the same. 

But she's done a lot of things you (and others) would never do. It's not that weird giving how much she's jerked you around over the past couple years, and how much you have played right along with it. It's par for the course with this dysfunctional dynamic between you two, really. 

Don't read more into this. You're making it a lot more difficult by desperately searching for signs that she will come back. You have to start learning to live without her and facing the reality of this situation. You're manufacturing things to line up with your narrative of hope (ie. posting status updates to elicit a response, which you then interpret to mean she might still want you) but what is she really doing totally of her own volition, without any nudging or indirect fishing from you? 

 

[lee179108]

Ive kind of gathered she wont come back.. I just find it really weird due to the fact she had to message me that after everything and 3 weeks of not talking.  Any other normal person if they broke up with someone would not say that.. anyway I know nothing will come of it so im going to try my very best to not do any more statuses on whatsapp. 

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Ive kind of gathered she wont come back.. I just find it really weird due to the fact she had to message me that after everything and 3 weeks of not talking.  Any other normal person if they broke up with someone would not say that.. anyway I know nothing will come of it so im going to try my very best to not do any more statuses on whatsapp. 

Lee, with due respect, any other normal person would not be trying to seek the attention on What's App from the woman who's dumped him twice, either. And yet here we are. 

Again, you need to stop projecting what you or anyone else would do onto her. She isn't you, and she isn't the people you've consulted on it, either.

She's demonstrated a few times that she doesn't do what you would do. And there are plenty of self-serving dumpers who do indeed pull crap like this, OP. They feel guilty and are trying to be "nice", they might want to keep their ex in their back pocket should they want some easy attention and affection, the list goes on. It's not impossible that she'd do this for reasons other than wanting to date you again. 

Stop trying to get her to react and give you reasons to cling on to hope, man. It's obvious you posted this What's App status for this very reason - to see if she'd take the bait. You manufactured this. She hasn't been sending the same types of messages she did the last time she dumped you, it was hurting you and you were losing hope, so now you're trying to elicit them out of her. But what does it really get you? Maybe some quick relief, "Phew! She finally noticed me!" And then? You got what you temporarily wanted, but how has this really benefitted you? You can't really feel great, knowing that you had to fish this out of her. 

You have to zoom out and look beyond the excitement you felt getting this one notification from her. Your relationship with her was messy and ultimately not going to last.  

Edited September 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

I just find it really weird due to the fact she had to message me that after everything and 3 weeks of not talking.  Any other normal person if they broke up with someone would not say that.. 

That's self bs.  You caused that. 

You leave her unblocked, fish for a response, and when you get it, you dwell on it...not because there's anything actually significant there..but because you don't want to let go.   So what if she messaged you about your appearance?  It leads to nothing.  That high you feel will go away after a few days when you realize she's back to being quiet and doing what she wants and you're still feeling alone...that is until you cook up another reason to elicit a response from her.

And you've been told by Expat, I and several other posters many times now, that it's very common for dumpers to contact you while NOT wanting a relationship because they can be self-serving. 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Beachead

[DarrenB]

Stop trying to validate yourself in her life, she made the decision to end things to focus on improving her overall mental state, that's it.

Whatever you try to do from this point forward will not persuade her to come crawling back to you, and I'm sorry but that's the harsh reality and at this point you need to accept it, else you're going to continue being petty and making desperate, irrational decisions.

Some things work out, some things don't. Take the time and move on, focus on your own life for your own sake, damn.

 

[lee179108]

I am trying but its easy for an outsider like you to just say do this do that without knowing how this whole thing affects me and how my head plays games and how difficult I find things. You don't know and what I have around me..

She pulled this crap last year, even said herself for me to move on and then after time think it was like 2 months she missed me. Yes I didnt help myself by doing a status and like I said im going to try my hardest now not to do any more. But for her to randomly say I look good after 3 weeks of not talking.. its like she still wants me there but not talking much further.. maybe this is her mental state I dont know, maybe not. Maybe shea been curious... But a lot of people would agree with me its not normal behaviour, especially if you've moved on.  Only time will tell if she says anything more, im not expecting her to but if she does ill let you all know. 

[vla1120]

16 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I am trying but its easy for an outsider like you to just say do this do that without knowing how this whole thing affects me and how my head plays games and how difficult I find things. You don't know and what I have around me..

She pulled this crap last year, even said herself for me to move on and then after time think it was like 2 months she missed me. Yes I didnt help myself by doing a status and like I said im going to try my hardest now not to do any more. But for her to randomly say I look good after 3 weeks of not talking.. its like she still wants me there but not talking much further.. maybe this is her mental state I dont know, maybe not. Maybe shea been curious... But a lot of people would agree with me its not normal behaviour, especially if you've moved on.  Only time will tell if she says anything more, im not expecting her to but if she does ill let you all know. 

This is my first time responding to your post. I'd like to see you cut all connections on Whats App and everything else. You can't move forward if you still have one foot stuck in the door behind you. When someone has a mental illness, it doesn't just heal on its own. It is good that she sought counseling, but the fact that she refuses medication because she doesn't like the side effects is an indication that she will continue these ups and downs, likely for the rest of her life. Is that what you want for the rest of YOUR life? I have someone in my life with a mental illness who refuses medication. Trust me. It's exhausting and it takes a toll on you. Let her family look after her. You need to move on with your life and be thankful that you're not spending the rest of it taking care of her issues (when she lets you.) Please. Trust me on this.

[lee179108]

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

This is my first time responding to your post. I'd like to see you cut all connections on Whats App and everything else. You can't move forward if you still have one foot stuck in the door behind you. When someone has a mental illness, it doesn't just heal on its own. It is good that she sought counseling, but the fact that she refuses medication because she doesn't like the side effects is an indication that she will continue these ups and downs, likely for the rest of her life. Is that what you want for the rest of YOUR life? I have someone in my life with a mental illness who refuses medication. Trust me. It's exhausting and it takes a toll on you. Let her family look after her. You need to move on with your life and be thankful that you're not spending the rest of it taking care of her issues (when she lets you.) Please. Trust me on this.

Im not sure if she has a diagnosed mental illness...  but the last i heard on that was thay she was getting coucnelling last week or sometime this week for it i dont know...  shes had panic attacks/anxiety/depression in the past but never had it looked at... but i have no idea on whats going on with all of that.