How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Its like today she told me... if you're in my area with work be careful as covid is on the rise... again  why bother talking to me when were broken up?  Etc etc....     I just replied with im fine and she said that great to which I didnt reply...  the next time she messages im just going to say straight away is there a reason why you're messaging me small talk? Because you know my stance from last time where im not just gonna be a friend..  

Just don't respond. You don't need to do or say anything else.  Always, choose the "No reaponse" option from now on. She wanted to end it for her reasons which is reasonable, but beyond that, she's not justified. You've already told her you don't want to be friends. She knows she shouldn't be talking like this.  She's learned to care less and less about it because you respond.  Because you take her back.  Because you are always available.  Show you're not interested in friendship by not responding to her.  

 

[lee179108]

Weird but I was scrolling around on instagram and went on this account that posts relationship and motivational quotes...  first I saw a quote that read, you become anxious after heartbreak because you have just lost control over what you imagined you had control over..   I saw that my ex liked that and has still liked it today

 

Then another quote said the heart breaks when its time to take on a new form. She liked that too but then unliked it today...  seems weird to me.. but oh well.. I didnt expect to see her liking things on there but when I saw them I saw her name appear on the post.

[Wiseman2]

The longer you keep scanning her social media desperate for a tidbit of anything, the longer you will be hurting.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

You were never meant to see your ex's activity after you two split up.   

Back in the day before the internet and social media, once two people broke it off, they parted ways, and there was no other way to see what the other was up to thereafter, unless both parties continued to be physically present in eachother's lives.  But often times that wasn't the case because it was too painful, so when things ended, they really ended.  You didn't have to this unnatural, unjustified access to their life afterwards, that one has now, through Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and what not.  It made getting over things a lot more straight forward and clean. 

You should treat your breakup the same way.

Social media is a distorted, inaccurate picture of what going on in your ex's life; bits and pieces of this and that, which when you put together, may or may not mean anything.  Even if it did, how would you know and what are you going to do about it?  The answer is you don't and you can't and in the end, all you'll ever get from it is speculation at best.  Being you want to hold on these days, that is one of the worst things you can do for yourself since it triggers anxiety and gets you thinking about her social media activity and how it correlates to you and your desires.   That is of no help to your well-being, during this exhausting process of healing.

She is currently doing whatever she wants.  It's only "weird" to you because you are looking for any clues you can grasp onto, that she wants to return.

- Beach

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by Beachead

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Weird but I was scrolling around on instagram and went on this account that posts relationship and motivational quotes...  first I saw a quote that read, you become anxious after heartbreak because you have just lost control over what you imagined you had control over..   I saw that my ex liked that and has still liked it today

 

Then another quote said the heart breaks when its time to take on a new form. She liked that too but then unliked it today...  seems weird to me.. but oh well.. I didnt expect to see her liking things on there but when I saw them I saw her name appear on the post.

It's definitely best to rip off the bandaid and block her on all social media and your phone. Otherwise, there will always be these little "signs" that you could be misinterpreting. Don't torture yourself. Sit in your hurt for a little while, digest it, then move on. 

[lee179108]

6 hours ago, vla1120 said:

It's definitely best to rip off the bandaid and block her on all social media and your phone. Otherwise, there will always be these little "signs" that you could be misinterpreting. Don't torture yourself. Sit in your hurt for a little while, digest it, then move on. 

Yeah i just really can't get it out of.my head.. I mean its been since August.. but her messaging me after 3 weeks no contact saying I look good and telling me to be careful with covid. it makes me think she may be missing me...  otherwise she would not say anything... she took the time and effort to reach out...  whereas if you moved on, didnt care you would not do that... I also recognise shes just started councelling... but yeah  im not doing statuses now or anything and just leaving it...  

[ExpatInItaly]

You're going in circles, Lee. Say

You need to stop checking her social media. You need to stop trying to get her attention. It's only making you cling to any faint notion that another reconciliation is on the horizon. Stop trying to assume that you know what she is thinking or feeling or why she's dropped breadcrumbs. 

The truth is that you no idea what is going through her mind or what she's been up to since she broke up with you. All you know is that she has not come to you asking to try again. It's time to give it a rest so you can get some peace of mind. 

 

[Dork Vader]

On 8/20/2020 at 4:34 PM, lee179108 said:

So long story short, I've posted on here before of how a relationship i had with my ex came to an end last week...  weve been together 2 years, shes 27 and lives with her parents, im 29 and live on my own 50 minutes away. I will try break this down as simple as I can:

 

So she works as a teacher at a special needs school, she loves her job and loves keeping busy and doing things. This exact same time last year we broke up because of similar reasons, she felt like she didnt miss me, she wasnt herself, spark had gone... September came round and she started her job, 2 months went by and we kinda texted in that time but not much... but after the 2 months she missed me and we got together. I spent Xmas with her and things were amazing until these past 3 weeks. She again said she felt bad as she didnt miss me, im sometimes needy (bearing in mind we have been on lockdown) and that she doesnt feel the same so wanted space to think. I then gave her space and went quiet, she then became more needy, missed me, said she was so stupid to be like this and that she loved me and was afraid of losing me to another girl. The next day in the morning she was fine, but then said she has anxiety so I asked what for in a raised tone of voice and she just flipped and said this is why she thinks she should be on her own as i dont understand. I apologised, explained that i didnt mean it through that tone and said that i do understand and il always support her, i was then going to go and see her and she said she was excited.  30 min later she called me and She then broke up with me as she said she loves me as a person, didnt feel the same and needed a clean break without talking so she can sort herself out. Later that night, she messaged me to say she had spoken with her mom and self referred to a doctor and councillor for panic attacks and depression.  She said I need to be patient with her, it may take months but she wants to get through this alone as selfish as that sounds and then she will see where im at in life and if i will understand and support her and we can see how things go or we go our separate ways. She then said she will contact me when shes ready. 

 

I explained to her that i will understand and support her all the way through in any way i can and will be there for her. A few days went by with no contact and she sent me a message at night saying that she has a doctors appointment this past Monday and a councelling session on the 1st of September so putting things in motion and she starts back in work on the 2nd. She said she will be better once shes back in work and thought she would update me but will speak more after her doctors appointment. Well this past Monday she told me happy birthday and sent a card and that was it, she didnt update me on the appointment so im guessing she doesnt want to talk about it.  Her mom even sent me a card and put a note in there on how she is in a fragile state of mind right now with panic attacks and depression being off work as she needs structure in her life. This isnt the first occurrence but she will get through it but not sure what the future holds. Her mom wrote that as I had messaged her mom informing her how id provide support and understand but she didnt tell my ex that due to her state of mind.  Luckily I wrote everything in a long message to my ex on how id be there for her. 

The next day she would small talk me with a couple texts on what shes preparing for work and going out for a meal with her friends, i replied short and its been 3 days now where I havent heard from her. I guess I just dont get why she felt the need to update me on the appointments but then not tell me what went on? she aint been to the councelling one yet but i dont know if shel say anything on that either....   i also dont understand why she small talked me. I dont want to go total no contact because i dont want her to feel like I abandoned her at her worst. So how do I handle all of this? do i just respond short if she ever does reach out?  its her birthday on the 14th of September so I was thinking of sending her a card to let her know im thinking of her. But the random popping up with a text does confuse me as it makes me thing she does have something there for me but wants to sort her issues out first and get into the swing of work again. Yes I love her and will go to the end of the earth to understand mental health and build on us... but i guess ive got to leave her to it and just see what the future holds.. as much as it pains me every single day.  Does depression and anxiety make you think one thing and then go to another???? 

Is she bipolar? If so this is probably gong to be the norm.. Even if she takes medication you're going to have a lot of highs and lows. I also would not expect a marriage to last long. 

[lee179108]

44 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

Is she bipolar? If so this is probably gong to be the norm.. Even if she takes medication you're going to have a lot of highs and lows. I also would not expect a marriage to last long. 

She is seeing someone for mental health, her mom said it was for panic attacks and depression but she has shown bi polar traits...  now I dont know if thats what shes been told by a doctor but even shes said she may have bi polar in the past... she was given anti depressents by a doctor but decided not to take then due to the side effects...  and was keeping busy in other ways and has started seeing a Councillor.. I dont know if shes taking them now as I dont talk to her. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

15 hours ago, lee179108 said:

but her messaging me after 3 weeks no contact saying I look good and telling me to be careful with covid. it makes me think she may be missing me...  otherwise she would not say anything... she took the time and effort to reach out...  whereas if you moved on, didnt care you would not do that...

Alright, so lets agree she cares.  Now what? 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

She is seeing someone for mental health, her mom said it was for panic attacks and depression but she has shown bi polar traits...  now I dont know if thats what shes been told by a doctor but even shes said she may have bi polar in the past... she was given anti depressents by a doctor but decided not to take then due to the side effects...  and was keeping busy in other ways and has started seeing a Councillor.. I dont know if shes taking them now as I dont talk to her. 

You've got yourself convinced this all means something. 

What makes you think a 3rd attempt would be successful, though? That's a genuine quesiton. 

 

[lee179108]

I dont know if a 3rd attempt is realistic...  I keep thinking maybe there's a chance she will come back and be totally open and honest about her mental health and councelling...   

If she cares or throws random messages to me when I make a status thats weird to me... her saying I look good, thats weird as you don't say that to an ex... to me it indicates some sort of attraction.. but this is not me saying shel ever come back and I will welcome her with open arms.. id want answers...

But for my own sanity ive blocked her off instagram and im going to stop doing whatsapp statuses.. just go totally quiet and not appear to her as thats the only way for me... ive never experienced something so hard like this. I guess my confidence levels are also down and as I live alone an hour away from parents and friends im struggling...  thinking il be alone long term and not find anyone like her.. with a great family who loved me and who was also great with my family.. I know I treated her right, I spoilt her and I never once hurt her. I had my flaws yes and was annoying at times yes but I never hurt her so I hope she remembers that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

thinking il be alone long term and not find anyone like her.. with a great family who loved me and who was also great with my family.. I know I treated her right, I spoilt her and I never once hurt her. I had my flaws yes and was annoying at times yes but I never hurt her so I hope she remembers that. 

You also need someone who is equally into you, though. 

 

 

[lee179108]

I guess all I can do is see how the next weeks/months play out.. obviously im not gonna wait and she will never know what im up to.. unless i do statuses...  she said before all this she like wants to be curious about me...

Also this quote she liked last week, what does it mean?   'you become anxious after heartbreak because you've just lost control over what you imagined you had control over'    ive blocked her on instagram now so i dont see what she likes... but i feel in our relationship she did feel like she had all of the control/power...  and that she never had to chase or wonder what im up to... im not doing any more statuses or nothing.. just keeping quiet and will try to move on.. i dont know how long it will take... and her reaching out on those 2 occasions has confused me and messed me up.. but i guess all i can do is just see what happens and try to move on.  I will update you if anything else happens, but im very confident nothing will now as she wont see any more statuses on whatsapp so wont have a reason to reach out...   

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 what does it mean?   'you become anxious after heartbreak because you've just lost control over what you imagined you had control over'   

The only person who can explain what that quote means to her, is her.  We (including you) can certainly make an educated guess but all we'll ever have is a guess.  So then, can you see why it is a waste of your time to ask?

Instead, I remind you to concentrate on the one thing you know for sure at this current time which is that your relationship is over and as far as you know, she may never come back.  That's all you can proceed on.  You may not like it, but that's what you know.  Proceed on that and not hope..that is if you want to heal.

Everything else such as the messages you're receiving from her and all these social media status updates that you're focused on, will lead you nowhere.

Quote

and her reaching out on those 2 occasions has confused me and messed me up..

Well, you wanted to learn and I believe now you have.

Now you may have some idea as to why many posters warned you to blcok her or at the very least, minimize the number of available avenues of contact she had to reach out to you.  Had you done that, she wouldn't have slipped through the cracks and sent you a message you'd read and dwell on.  The advice came from a place of experience. As in, many of us know, how painful it is to be on the receiving end of a breakup and we've all converged towards the same course of action; when you get broken up with, you create distance and space for yourself, and you do everything you can to ensure your boundaries are respected. Your dealings are done with that person apart from a few exceptions. It doesn't matter how much history you shared with that person.  It feels like tearing off your own arm but if you don't do that, you'll suffer far more than you normally would.  

Edited October 5, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

6 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

The only person who can explain what that quote means to her, is her.  We (including you) can certainly make an educated guess but all we'll ever have is a guess.  So then, can you see why it is a waste of your time to ask?

Instead, I remind you to concentrate on the one thing you know for sure at this current time which is that your relationship is over and as far as you know, she may never come back.  That's all you can proceed on.  You may not like it, but that's what you know.  Proceed on that and not hope..that is if you want to heal.

Everything else such as the messages you're receiving from her and all these social media status updates that you're focused on, will lead you nowhere.

Well, you wanted to learn and I believe now you have.

Now you may have some idea as to why many posters warned you to blcok her or at the very least, minimize the number of available avenues of contact she had to reach out to you.  Had you done that, she wouldn't have slipped through the cracks and sent you a message you'd read and dwell on.  The advice came from a place of experience. As in, many of us know, how painful it is to be on the receiving end of a breakup and we've all converged towards the same course of action; when you get broken up with, you create distance and space for yourself, and you do everything you can to ensure your boundaries are respected. Your dealings are done with that person apart from a few exceptions. It doesn't matter how much history you shared with that person.  It feels like tearing off your own arm but if you don't do that, you'll suffer far more than you normally would.  

Well she hasnt reached out, only when I did those couple statuses on whatsapp..but now I've stopped doing them and wont do any more so she wont reach out... im quite confident of that. She has no reason to reach out now... 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Well she hasnt reached out, only when I did those couple statuses on whatsapp..but now I've stopped doing them and wont do any more so she wont reach out... im quite confident of that. She has no reason to reach out now... 

A sincere question, but why do you keep repeating this?

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

She has no reason to reach out now... 

She hasn't for months. Good you are finally starting to let go.

[lee179108]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A sincere question, but why do you keep repeating this?

 

I dont know... i just keep getting confident she wont reach out....  then think oh if i do a status after a few weeks then she will reach out.. like she did over a week ago...  but then if i dont do one she has no reason to reach out., which all messes up my head. Again, she thought that i just didnt understand anything about mental health, and she only opened up to her mom and sister... i dont know if shes just dealing with that right now as she said her first councelling session was at the end of september..  

Its like how she said to me at the end of August....  im going to have to be patient with her, it may take months but she needs to get through this mental health thing first and then she will see where im at in life and if im willing to understand or we go our separate ways... then a week later she said shes staying single to focus on herself etc.. its like she said one thing then said another... this was done numerous times.  Again, she may be perfectly fine right now i dont know, but she could also be dealing with councelling and that stuff before she even considers her next move.. i just dont know. I just hope this nightmare ends for me soon,  i dont think she has any clue about how im feeling..  there have ben numerous times where i want to just say f**k it and send her a message explaining how i miss her and that in time i would like her to message me when shes ready and see if we can go talk or meet and take it slow... but ive resisted that as it would probly push her further away or annoy her.  When this all started she told me that me acting like i dont have a life without her was off putting, that i didnt do things without her or spend much time with my friends  (even though we were in lockdown).  So i guess by me not acting hurt will show her i do have a life beyond her..    but yeah ive stopped the statuses now as that makes her realise im still there.....  

[vla1120]

26 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

i just dont know. I just hope this nightmare ends for me soon,  i dont think she has any clue about how im feeling..

This nightmare will end for you when you stop anticipating different behavior from her. Even if she contacts you today and says she is in a better place and ready for a relationship with you, chances are, it's only a matter of time before it goes down the tubes again. The only constant behavior she's shown you is that she will break it off with you again after a period of time. It might actually have less to do with a mental illness and more to do with her just not wanting to commit, or being afraid of a relationship. How much dating have you done? Why don't you take some time to see what else is out there for you? Otherwise, you run the risk of this being a vicious cycle of breakups and heartache with her. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

Its like how she said to me at the end of August....  im going to have to be patient with her, it may take months but she needs to get through this mental health thing first and then she will see where im at in life and if im willing to understand or we go our separate ways... then a week later she said shes staying single to focus on herself etc.. its like she said one thing then said another... this was done numerous times.  Again, she may be perfectly fine right now i dont know, but she could also be dealing with councelling and that stuff before she even considers her next move..... 

Quote

 When this all started she told me that me acting like i dont have a life without her was off putting, that i didnt do things without her or spend much time with my friends  (even though we were in lockdown).  So i guess by me not acting hurt will show her i do have a life beyond her..  

Go with the last thing she told you which was she wants to stay single and focus on herself.  She's been consistent on that.

It should be quite clear to you that your ex doesn't know what she's feeling or what she wants.  How do you believe you could have a relationship with her, when you'd wake up each morning not knowing what to expect?  She's in today but she could be out tomorrow.  She feels one way one day and another, on the next. You wouldn't even able to plan your life out with her because of it.  If you're going to be with a person, then you need to be able to count on them.  This your life afterall.  Your time.  Your energy.  People can't be flip-flopping between emotions, thoughts and feelings from week to week.  

 

 

 

[lee179108]

If ever there was a chance of just meeting or talking again...   why is no contact and not doing any statuses etc the best way??  i get that its a way for them to miss you?  but is it also a way they easily move on....  whereas if they see a status or whatever of you that might put something in their head to miss you and give a reason for them to reach out??? 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

If ever there was a chance of just meeting or talking again...   why is no contact and not doing any statuses etc the best way??  i get that its a way for them to miss you?  but is it also a way they easily move on....  whereas if they see a status or whatever of you that might put something in their head to miss you and give a reason for them to reach out??? 

 

Because the purpose of No-Contact has nothing to do with her.  That's your problem right there and it is your only problem.  You're still using it as a means to manipulate her back into your arms.  You still haven't begun to genuinely live life for yourself yet.  It's all for her.  

No-Contact is for YOU and you apply it because you fundamentally care about yourself and where your life goes.  Because you have the sense to see that if a person you were with for years chose to break up with you, what the hell else can you can do to convince her to be with you?   She had you in the most intimate and personal way a person could ever have you, and she chose to leave it.  If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you.   And in realizing that,  the only thing you can do is respect her decision, and to genuinely concentrate on your own affairs and make you are taking care of yourself because you are going to need yourself to get through your own life.   If you don't take care of yourself and you hold on to this thought of her maybe coming back, you won't move forward.  You won't look towards what's ahead of you.   You won't be open enough to let in new people and genuinely get to know them and build relationships because you'll be bringing all the baggage you still carry with her, into it.  You won't make the right choices in your career.  Your education.  Your friendships.  Relationships etc.  And in failing to do so, your life will go straight to the toilet and it's going to be your fault and you who has to live with that.  Nobody else.   It is all connected. That's why you do no-contact.

..and it just so happens that in that space you give her, she may figure some things out that might bring her back to you OR she just as likely may not, but if she wants to contact you or be with you again, she'll reach out to you.  She has your number.  She has your email.  And she knows where you live.  You don't need her on social media.  You don't need to do anything.  

I hope this sinks in eventually.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Lee, if the person who dumped you has no reason to contact you other than reacting to a Whats App status... you have no grounds for reconciliation. 

You are overestimating your ability to influence the outcome. 

[lee179108]

thanks guys, this forum is like therapy for me...   i appreciate you all talking to me and listening...   i hate being alone...  im 30 next year and then i worry if im going to be alone for a long time, not find someone and eventually start a family and all of that...   i worry...   hopefully i will look back on this as a blessing in disguise.