How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[lee179108]

14 hours ago, dangerous said:

Hi OP, I'm late to this, and haven't read all of this, but my hunches, based on a similar experience I had:

- has she a history of trauma, drama, being abused, either by family, or ex-lovers?

- has anyone mentioned split personality disorders, eg BPD etc.

- The ups and downs of love then hate/ disinterest which keep repeating indicate this will be the trend for the long term, and this is very draining, unsettling, damaging for you. Do you really want all this drama? You cannot change or fix her, despite you wishing you could. Believe me, i have been there!

-  Look after yourself, move on. And be strict with yourself: block and no contact.

History - Well she's told me of a few things growing up, like problems with her mom/dad.. and also her anxiety attacks...  

Split personality or BPD they sound familiar with the way she was acting but nothing was diagnosed..  

 

But yeah here i am still missing her and wondering if shel reach out one day..its crazy to think she has no feelings for me now. But theres nothing more to do or say.. i guess whatever will happen in future will  happen. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Split personality or BPD they sound familiar with the way she was acting but nothing was diagnosed..  

 

Chiming in based on past personal experience - there is very little here to suggest she suffers from BPD or any other serious psychiatric disorder. 

My ex was diagnosed (twice, by two different psychiatrists) with BPD, and I can assure you, the hallmarks are generally much more intense and consistent over time than what  you describe. I don't doubt your ex has some issues with anxiety, but at the end of the day, I think the biggest problem was a lack of emotional maturity to do the right thing when she first realized she didn't have the right feelings for you any longer.  

It seems to you that she suddenly doesn't have feelings anymore, but reading through your rocky history with her, this wasn't a sudden loss of feelings at all. This had been coming ever since the first break-up. Tough realization, I know, but you need to start seeing the bigger picture - even if it's hard to look at. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

But yeah here i am still missing her and wondering if shel reach out one day..

Naw, you don't want that.

Remember, she had you twice.  She had everything you had to give.  The reason you're not together anymore is because of her.  Because she evaluated what you brought to the table, and realized, it wasn't for her.  So if she comes back down the road, what the hell would have changed?  What..suddenly she would have realized how much she values this relationship?  Wasn't she supposed to realize like that the last time?  She's broken all her promises and proven she doesn't know wtf she really wants or feels.  You can't trust her and you won't trust her no matter how much you try to force it.  Everyone has their limits, and she blew through yours.

It's not really her you want back.  It's who you wanted her to be (Or who she thought she could be) that you want back.  And you want it back for your ego.  So that it can justify all the time and suffering you went through with her as something meaningful, rather than her leaving forever, and making you feel like you wasted all your time.  

But I assure you down the road, if you're able to guide yourself well through this, you'll come to understand that this wasn't a waste.  Your relationship with her will have taught you something..maybe a few things.  The most responsible thing she did for you was to leave and the most responsible thing she can continue to do, is to stay gone.

- Beach

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Naw, you don't want that.

Remember, she had you twice.  She had everything you had to give.  The reason you're not together anymore is because of her.  Because she evaluated what you brought to the table, and realized, it wasn't for her.  So if she comes back down the road, what the hell would have changed?  What..suddenly she would have realized how much she values this relationship?  Wasn't she supposed to realize like that the last time?  She's broken all her promises and proven she doesn't know wtf she really wants or feels.  You can't trust her and you won't trust her no matter how much you try to force it.  Everyone has their limits, and she blew through yours.

It's not really her you want back.  It's who you wanted her to be (Or who she thought she could be) that you want back.  And you want it back for your ego.  So that it can justify all the time and suffering you went through with her as something meaningful, rather than her leaving forever, and making you feel like you wasted all your time.  

But I assure you down the road, if you're able to guide yourself well through this, you'll come to understand that this wasn't a waste.  Your relationship with her will have taught you something..maybe a few things.  The most responsible thing she did for you was to leave and the most responsible thing she can continue to do, is to stay gone.

- Beach

 

You're right...  I think I've learnt how needy I was and at the time I didnt realise it with her....  but then again if two people are meant to be together that wouldnt matter... I know she wont come back I havent heard a word from her in like 3 weeks and shes deleted me from her contacts . I havent blocked and unblocked her instagram in like 4 days now so im counting that as progress.... whereas before when I had the urge I would do it.. now I dont do it as I dont want to keep hurting.. but yeah Im dreading xmas day this year and the new year as it will bring memories from last year....  

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I havent heard a word from her in like 3 weeks and shes deleted me from her contacts . I havent blocked and unblocked her instagram in like 4 days now so im counting that as progress.... whereas before when I had the urge I would do it.. now I dont do it as I dont want to keep hurting.. but yeah Im dreading xmas day this year and the new year as it will bring memories from last year....  

That's a good thing, actually. 

Most exes eventually cease contact, especially as they meet other people and start new relationships. You don't want to be anywhere on her radar when that happens. And yes, the first holidays or important events without an ex are hard. But we muscle through. You need to stop telling yourself how much you're dreading them, though. Focusing on that will make it worse for you. 

 

 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

13 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I havent blocked and unblocked her instagram in like 4 days now so im counting that as progress.... whereas before when I had the urge I would do it.. now I dont do it as I dont want to keep hurting..

Yep, that is progress.  It's the kind of progress I was telling you about earlier.  It starts just like that.  Whereas just getting through an hour of your day would have been torturous weeks ago, you find yourself being able to last a few hours now, without that feeling overwhelming you.  In a couple of more weeks, you'll find you can get through your day okay, with maybe the moods arriving in the night.  It's a small change, but it is change nonetheless and the first show of evidence, that you will be okay.    And eventually with more time, you'll find getting through the week to be easier.  Then a month.   You'll find your thoughts of her being relegated to the background as you become more preoccupied with the things that are in your immediate life.    Having said that, you will relapse and feel like sh*t from time to time; usually after a bad dream or if you run into her, hear from her, or unblock on social media and look at her activity.  The pain won't last as long though.  Don't think of it, as the end of the world.  Just know it's just your brain processing things.

Point is, it gets better, but it is a up and down, backward/forward process.  You just need be patient and ride it out.  

- Beach

 

 

[lee179108]

On 11/10/2020 at 3:01 PM, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Yep, that is progress.  It's the kind of progress I was telling you about earlier.  It starts just like that.  Whereas just getting through an hour of your day would have been torturous weeks ago, you find yourself being able to last a few hours now, without that feeling overwhelming you.  In a couple of more weeks, you'll find you can get through your day okay, with maybe the moods arriving in the night.  It's a small change, but it is change nonetheless and the first show of evidence, that you will be okay.    And eventually with more time, you'll find getting through the week to be easier.  Then a month.   You'll find your thoughts of her being relegated to the background as you become more preoccupied with the things that are in your immediate life.    Having said that, you will relapse and feel like sh*t from time to time; usually after a bad dream or if you run into her, hear from her, or unblock on social media and look at her activity.  The pain won't last as long though.  Don't think of it, as the end of the world.  Just know it's just your brain processing things.

Point is, it gets better, but it is a up and down, backward/forward process.  You just need be patient and ride it out.  

- Beach

 

 

Well I relapsed today!  on instagram she has her own account and then an open one of photography as she likes that... i looked on that one and saw she posted photos of places that are near me.. as her and her family would have stayed there in the past week as they go every year... that then made me think that shes been near my area, will she have missed me? or does she truly not even have a single thought.. surely she would have thought about me when she drove passed the sign of where i live...  its these things so yeah stupidly i looked and it made me feel weird for a bit...   i didnt look at her own account though..  im feeling ok as i type this.. but i just got a lot of thoughts of how is she not even missing me? but yeah, im going to try be strong again and not look at anything.. i did it for a whole week so i should do it for longer....  

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 but i just got a lot of thoughts of how is she not even missing me? 

Missing someone isn't the same as wanting a romantic relationship, though. 

Speaking from personal experience, I have broken up with a couple boyfriends in my day. One of them I'd lived with and dated for 5 years. So, sure, I missed his company and companionship. But that didn't mean I wanted the relationship to continue. I had grown very used to having him around, of course, so it was strange when he was no longer there. However, I knew I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore so I learned to foster other friendships and support systems.  I couldn't just keep him around like a buddy when I had no intention of rekindling the relationship. 

In short, you might miss each other - but not in the same way. You're confusing missing someone with romantic desire for that person, and the two are not always the same thing. 

[Wiseman2]

Go ahead and look. It's not a "relapse" because you're not in rehab.

So she went where she goes with her family as usual. Nothing odd about that.

Have you started dating yet? It may be time to take care of yourself rather than leaving this void you talk about as if it's an addiction.

 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

that then made me think that shes been near my area, will she have missed me? or does she truly not even have a single thought.. surely she would have thought about me when she drove passed the sign of where i live... 

People don't forget their experiences like that so yes she thought about you..but think about you enough to miss you?  No.  Even if she did, it doesn't mean she wants a relationship.  But lets entertain it for moment:

Say you two get together again. There will always be that anxiety while with her, that one evening, she might possibly decide she can't do this AGAIN.  You won't know if or when it'll happen.  Every little change in her behaviour could be her possibly preparing to burn you.  You will be so focused on it, it will drain you and make you the most inflexible, possessive, insecure person you've known yourself to ever be.  You will be like this because you don't trust her..and you shouldn't.

So going back to her and does missed you..who cares. Your relationship will never be the same again.

Start work that out in your head on your own, so that someone else won't have to remind you of it.

- Beach

Edited November 12, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Bad day today, just thinking about everything...  tried dating myself these past few weeks but not found the right one that I click with..

Was tempted to email her this.. 

Hey, just me...  ive been reflecting lately and I'm sorry if you think I was annoying or over the top woth anything.. I get it that whatever you felt for me has changed and you don't miss me or have a single feeling now.. ice changed as a person..  I can never hate you, and I still stand by what I said in that I will be here for you no matter what worries or whatever you have. I know you feel like you wont ever talk to me or see me again.. but im here for you so just remember that. 

I dont know id youre with someone else now.. and quite frankly I dont wanna know. But just remember im here for you and I never hate you because you're the only person that ive truly clicked with and made amazing memories and had that family bond. Hope you're ok as well anyway with all this covid stuff going on

Lee

I havent emailed her that but I do want to but it probly won't make any difference and she may just reply with a thank you or not reply at all I dont know. Its a scary thought... but yeah  guess im scared to email it too..

Edited November 15, 2020 by lee179108
Edit

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you've had a bad day, lee. 

Don't send the email. It won't help and you will regret it later when the emotional fog has cleared. I once received an email like that from the ex I'd broken up with (and mentioned in this thread, I believe) and all it did was made me feel incredibly guilty for hurting him. I had no idea how to respond because I knew I couldn't give him the one response he truly wanted to hear, which was some indication that maybe my feelings had changed and I could give it another chance. But they hadn't, and I couldn't. I replied to him, but mostly to thank him for his kind words while reiterating that while this was hard, it was the thing I knew I needed to do. 

However, I would encourage you to keep writing down these thoughts somewhere, just to get them on the paper and stop them from swirling around in your mind so much. Just don't send them to her. She won't be the one to make your pain go away. 

And on that note? It's way too soon to date, lee. I can appreciate that you want to get back out there but you're nowhere near ready for it. That's why you're not clicking with anyone yet - your heart and mind aren't ready to open up like that. Every woman you meet while you're still grieving the end of the relationship will only remind you her and what isn't there anymore. It's just not the right time. Be patient with yourself and understand that you're only at the beginning of this journey, as you've only recently started to really accept the break-up. It will take time to move forward, but contacting your ex will only set you back. She can't be part of your recovery. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

I echo everything @ExpatInItalysaid.

It's good you wrote what you wrote, as it's therapeutic..but just don't send it.  She won't respond the way you wished she would and she can't give you the ONE answer you want. 

Also, don't date.  You've only started to accept your situation and begun your process of getting passed this.  If you end up meeting someone new, you will complicate end up muddying old feelings with the new and you won't be able to heal.  You will also likely hurt the new person.  Don't allow life pressures and expectations to coerce you into prematurely dating again.  It will rob this process which is an important part of you personal development right now.  I recommend you give yourself a year.  

- Beach

[lee179108]

8 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

I echo everything @ExpatInItalysaid.

It's good you wrote what you wrote, as it's therapeutic..but just don't send it.  She won't respond the way you wished she would and she can't give you the ONE answer you want. 

Also, don't date.  You've only started to accept your situation and begun your process of getting passed this.  If you end up meeting someone new, you will complicate end up muddying old feelings with the new and you won't be able to heal.  You will also likely hurt the new person.  Don't allow life pressures and expectations to coerce you into prematurely dating again.  It will rob this process which is an important part of you personal development right now.  I recommend you give yourself a year.  

- Beach

A year? God no thats far too long...  last gf I had before this one.. where I actually had a house with it took me 5 months to find my latest ex and get over her. I dont know how long this will take...  ive only been on 2 dates and just wasn't attracted to them like id have hoped. I dont have anything else in the works. 

I didnt send that message, dont know what I was expecting. Guess i wanted her to reflect on it and make her think and miss me. But there's no way on earth that's happening.. I even think sometimes if she gets woth someone new and gets hurt will that make her realise she had it good with me and that I never hurt her... I also think will there ever be a point where she does want to reach out.. I know its just stupid thoughts though. It just hit me randomly today.. and the fact I'm alone I dont like that. Let's hope things get better. Even if I did send it and she replied it would only be something like a thank you.. or something short. But yeah I didnt send it as it would make things worse. 

[lee179108]

I also think sometimes when we were together, especially in lockdown that yeah maybe I was needy, responding to her messages quickly...   I dont think she liked that as she wanted to be curious and have that excitement..  she said that a while ago. But am I right in thinking if two people are good together then none of that matters?  

I didnt do much with my friends because 1. We were in lockdown and 2. They live an hour away and its hard to make plans with them as they dont do much. She wanted me to have a life besides her and yeah I recognise it now going forward with other people...idk 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 I dont think she liked that as she wanted to be curious and have that excitement..  she said that a while ago. But am I right in thinking if two people are good together then none of that matters?  

Overbearing or needy would be you expecting to see her a couple of times in the week while calling her a couple of times in the day to talk for hours and then after getting off the phone, texting some more.   Basically not giving her any room to breathe or time in the week for her to be on her own.  If that wasn't you, then you weren't the problem.  She was.  

- Beach

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

43 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Overbearing or needy would be you expecting to see her a couple of times in the week while calling her a couple of times in the day to talk for hours and then after getting off the phone, texting some more.   Basically not giving her any room to breathe or time in the week for her to be on her own.  If that wasn't you, then you weren't the problem.  She was.  

- Beach

 

No I was never like that, id just respond to messages quickly. Ask to see her once a week... not do much with my friends for various reasons or certain stuff without her... she felt I didnt have a life without her  and I think that was harsh. But yeah... 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 I think that was harsh. 

It wasn't just harsh, it was an incorrect assessment of you.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You were just a guy looking to spend time with his girlfriend.  She just wasn't feeling the relationship, so she felt overwhelmed by it and blamed you.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, lee179108 said:

No I was never like that, id just respond to messages quickly. Ask to see her once a week... not do much with my friends for various reasons or certain stuff without her... she felt I didnt have a life without her  and I think that was harsh. But yeah... 

This isn't something we ladies care about when we're really in love with our partners. We generally appreciate fast response time. 

It only becomes a problem when we're not that into him anymore and feel annoyed by things that didn't used to bother us. She was feeling stifled by such little things and picking on you for it because she already was losing interest and didn't know how to be honest about it. 

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't something we ladies care about when we're really in love with our partners. We generally appreciate fast response time. 

It only becomes a problem when we're not that into him anymore and feel annoyed by things that didn't used to bother us. She was feeling stifled by such little things and picking on you for it because she already was losing interest and didn't know how to be honest about it. 

Yeah I guess so.. I just wondered if its something I have to work on myself. I think my biggest fear is hitting 30 next August and being alone for a long time and not settling down. I know everyone says for me to be happy on my own first.. but I find that hard with loneliness. I have nothing going on with the dating apps at this moment in time. We first ended mid August... last message was like 3 or 4 weeks ago. So I guess that's from when the new life without her began. Im quite impatient too...  my last relationship before her it took me 5 months until I found her... and I was so happy I forgot about stuff. I wonder how long it will take again...

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 I just wondered if its something I have to work on myself. I think my biggest fear is hitting 30 next August and being alone for a long time and not settling down.

If there's something for you to work on, I'd work on this.  It's a reoccuring theme in your posts and it's what contributed to your stubborness to accept what was happening in your relationship.  I get where it's coming, but it will cause desperation in you which women will pick up on.  It's a brutal world out there.  Dating is very challenging today.  With the fears you have right now, you can see you putting yourself in some difficult situations.   You need to be confident, balanced, and comfortable in your own skin to deal with it.  Get comfortable single.  Get comfortable with the silence.  Don't rush it. 

Everyone has some fears of being alone and a desire to share your life with someone but just make sure your reasons are yours, and not someone elses.

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

On 11/17/2020 at 6:49 PM, Beachead said:

@lee179108

If there's something for you to work on, I'd work on this.  It's a reoccuring theme in your posts and it's what contributed to your stubborness to accept what was happening in your relationship.  I get where it's coming, but it will cause desperation in you which women will pick up on.  It's a brutal world out there.  Dating is very challenging today.  With the fears you have right now, you can see you putting yourself in some difficult situations.   You need to be confident, balanced, and comfortable in your own skin to deal with it.  Get comfortable single.  Get comfortable with the silence.  Don't rush it. 

Everyone has some fears of being alone and a desire to share your life with someone but just make sure your reasons are yours, and not someone elses.

 

 

 

Youre totally right and this past week ive struggled with being alone...  i guess i dont know how my mind will change to be comfortable on my own.. i guess these covid stuff doesnt make it easy as im at home a lot. Confidence wise... im ok in my personality and think im in shape with the gym...  as cringe as this may sound telling you guys im working on making my teeth straight so I have invisalign braces which you can barely notice..   i had them in september and i have to wear them for a year. When taking photos ive never smiled showing my teeth as ive been self concious, so i took the step of paying 3 grand this year to fix them. So when thats done i guess it will boost my confidence!  i play with friends on the playstation on friday and sunday nights.. that helps a lot. I text friends etc  and i will see them if they are available but a lot of the time i have to play in advanced and it hasnt been easy with the covid situation. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

That's good man.  You do what makes you feel good, so long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else in the process.

Covid doesn't make it easy at all but you seem to managing well right now.

3 things that I feel is a necessity for us single folk especially, are:

1. Socializing

2.  Physical activity/sleep/healthy eating

3.  Something for the mind, be it reading, online schooling, learning a new instrument, photography, woodworking etc.  In addition to this, you can continue to read up on breakups and relationships and grief and learn about that as well.

You seem to be covering 1 and 2 well so perhaps what you need now is something for your mind (Number 3). 

I went about a lot of routes in my life but I ended up with a degree in economics.  A post-grad certificate in Accounting.  I was planning to get my CPA done but I decided corporate life wasn't the way I wanted to go so I cut it from there and returns to my artistic passions.  I play and teach the piano.   I'm working on the guitar at my desired pace and have some aspirations to dabble in film music.  And I'll tell you, it's always something I can go to and get lost in.  I forget time.  I forget to eat.  I just get lost in my projects.  It gets my mind off of things, especially when I am just messing around and trying to create something. 

Another thing I took up recently was wildlife photography and let me tell you, I fell in love with it instantly.

The 3rd thing which I've admittedly stopped this year because of Covid was working out but I used to train 4-5 days a week. 

All these things just keep me busy, bring me a sense of purpose and accomplishment and got me out of my misery slowly but surely. Despite spots of sad feelings time to time, I'd say I'm doing okay mentally.  You will need some time for your mind to get there but begin now and concentrate on getting aquainted with yourself.  Discover yourself.  Try new things.  See what you fall in love with and what you don't.  Ask yourself the right questions and talk it out loud in front  like you're doing an interview (I've done this many times and as crazy as it sounds, it helps).   

Don't do it win a woman.  Do it because you just want to feel like yourself again.   You may end up being surprised by the result.

- Beach

Edited November 19, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

God damn I just cant feel better...  i really want her to miss me and reach out.. even if its just a merry xmas around that time.. if she did i dont know what id say...    but i know its no way happening. I keep thinking, i want to message her and tell her that im sorry if i seemed eratic...  i dont hate you and please remember im here for you for all times to talk about anything.. even thought you may not think that but i will.   I wont send it as i dont have the guts to.. but i want to. But if i did it would probly make things worse... or get her to reply with a simple thank you. I think at times that i miss her sooo much, she was the best thing to happen to me and helped me through so much.. then i think how she treated me, made me feel my worst twice, made me waste a lot of money and showed no empathy or anything towards after how good i was with her and how i was there for her when she was feeling bad. I just cant move on and forget about this and the loneliness kills me...   then the worry kicks in of not finding someone for a LONG time and if shes starting a new life with someone else or will she miss me. Its a nightmare to be honest. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

God damn I just cant feel better...  

You are too impatient with this process, Lee. 

It's going to take longer than a few weeks or a couple months for you to heal. You didn't really start to accept this break-up until fairly recently when you realize she's on Tinder. Expect to have ups and downs for a little while as you come to terms with this. 

You're right that emailing her offering to be her shoulder to cry on any time she needs it - bad idea. Not only will it not make a difference, but you should not even be offering that to your dumper to begin with. She lost that privilege when she ended it. You need to work on your self-respect here, more than anything else. 

Also, you're young. Despite your worries, plenty of people find partners at your age and older. I was 34 when I met my man, and he was 48. You're losing perspective, which is normal when we can't see outside our own pain, but you're not in a terrible position. Once you process the break-up and heal, you will very likely realize that most of your fears were over-blown. And you will definitely see that this girl was not that amazing partner you'd been convincing yourself she was.