How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 wel see what happens in future with her... I will let you all know.

Are you still thinking there's a chance for this to come back together? 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you still thinking there's a chance for this to come back together? 

Not really due to the way she spoke.. as in not a care in the world for anything...  but shes done and said one thing then done another multiple times... so who knows if shel reach out again... thats what I was saying. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Better to commit your energy to yourself, doing things that bring you joy, self-fulfillment and purpose, than holding onto someone who doesn't see any value in what you bring.  I did the latter for most my life and I got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. Haven't returned to that way of life ever since because I can't think of a greater waste of my time and energy than unreciprocated affection.  That's time and energy I could have given to myself and to people who actually care. 

If you're going to risk something as fragile as your heart, atleast risk it with someone who'll reciprocate that affection and who'll want you in their life, because they see your value.   

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Not really due to the way she spoke.. as in not a care in the world for anything...  but shes done and said one thing then done another multiple times... so who knows if shel reach out again... thats what I was saying. 

I don't think she will, either. Or not for the reasons you hope. 

And that's for the best. She's been very clear that you need to move on, so dropping all communication from here on out is critical. Now you can truly begin to work on healing so you can someday find someone who wants the same things you do, and from you. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[lee179108]

Still not getting any better... Xmas day this year will hurt me.. as last year I spent it with her and her family. 

I keep wondering if there will ever be a time that she misses me. I also can't believe how shes just able to erase me from her life like this. I cant stop thinking about if shes got someone else and just lied to me about wanting to stay single  and if shel ever miss me.. I know I need ti get that out my head but I cant right now. Taking this day by day...  

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

Still not getting any better... 

You are going to have to be patient with yourself so expect a minimum of a year to feel the results of time and living.   If that feels too long for you and upsets you, then I trust you'll appreciate why it's important to be wise with your heart, going forward, and not just hand over trust and loyalty to any person out there that charms you or says sweet things to you.  Their behaviour an their actions have to match accordingly to anything they say.  Trust and relationships take time to build.  Anyone who wants to bypass that or rush the process, is unreasonable or insincere...likely because they are acting largely on self-serving interests.  

I understand your heartbreak, but I can also see your minimal understanding for the importance of taking care of yourself.  Your need to find completion only through the love and affection of a woman and a relationship will very likely put you in relationships where you'll suffer a lot more than a person would, because you just won't know when to draw a line or walk away.

When you stop seeking purpose and fulfillment through women and relationships, and discover it through your own efforts, is when you'll have an easier time establishing boundaries and drawing a line.

- Beach

 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Still not getting any better... Xmas day this year will hurt me.. as last year I spent it with her and her family. 

The first year after a break-up is tough, as you celebrate holidays and other important events without them. 

But there's just no way around it. All we can do in those moments is make the best of them, and work on creating new memories with loved ones and friends. It sound cliché, but in my experience, it does help. And in my experience, it's usually also not quite as bad as I'd expected. 

It will take a lot longer than a couple months to feel better, though. Up until a couple weeks ago, you were still trying to get her attention and convincing yourself she might come back and looking for evidence that your belief was true. As such, your real acceptance of this break-up has only just begun. Be patient with yourself. There will be ups and downs. You need to start working on diverting you thinking every time you start the "Does she miss me? Is she thinking about me? I can't believe she's done this."-loop. Acknowledge those thoughts, but then get busy doing something else to reframe your thoughts. Feeding into them is only going to make this longer than it needs to be. 

It's hard, but it does get better. 

[lee179108]

Yeah im just so stupid, as I unblock her on instagram to see of she got the same amount of posts and if she has that shows she still has the photos with me... obviously it means nothing though but I need to just keep her blocked and resist the urge to look... I just can't help it. But so far today I havent done it and going to try keep it that way. 

To me you dont keep photos with an ex of you two together happy.. especially when you break up.. but obviously shes different and its just one of those things. Im trying at this day by day.. on another lockdown here for 2 weeks so that will be tough. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Yep.  Keep her blocked and just remember, just because you think this way:

Quote

To me you dont keep photos with an ex of you two together happy.. especially when you break up.. 

..it doesn't mean others.  A lot of people out there will still keep photos and items of their exes..  I have pictures of an ex I dated from 10 years ago still on facebook.  Initially, I kept them because I had mutual friends with her and I just didn't want to raise suspicion and annoying questions, by deleting them.  But I also wasn't ready to delete them.  I've found over the years, that those pictures have  become valuable memories as they remind me of not just a relationship that I once had, but that I could care for someone and someone could care for me.  It serves as a reminder of who I was and how much I've changed since and where I'm going in my life and why I'm choosing what I choose.  Since her, I dated two other women in which unique relationships were built with them as well and I keep one or two items from that relationship to serve as a similar reminders.

It doesn't imply I still consider being with them or that I want them back.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

To me you dont keep photos with an ex of you two together happy.. especially when you break up.. but obviously shes different and its just one of those things. 

To you, sure, but that doesn't necessarily extend to everyone else, as you seem to recognize. 

I know people who still have photos of their exes on their social media, even after they start a relationship with someone else and starting posting photos of them, too. It means very little to some people. 

[lee179108]

Yeah we dont have any mutual friends and were never likely to bump into each other due to the distance between us...  due to the way she spoke to me on the phone 2 weeks ago or whatever it was... I wouldnt have thought shed keep our photo there... as she acted so clear on us being finished and completely done. I dont know, I guess us two are different. I just hope I somehow get better, tough days ahead with this 2 week lockdown and so on...  and im not looking forward for Xmas considering last year i spent it with her...  

[lee179108]

Well today I find out that shes on tinder, and put in effort to her bio. I get that she can do what she wants an all but why tell me like 2 weeks ago that she just wants to stay single and does not want any relationship.

She did this last year when we broke up and her excuse was that she was going through a rough time as her friends mom died and it hit her hard as she is so close to her own mom. So she felt vulnerable and alone so went on there... I find out and told her and she said she came off it as she wasn't ready. This time she looks to be on there and wanting it.  I feel broken obviously, especially after her telling me the things she said. At least I know now I mean nothing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Well today I find out that shes on tinder, and put in effort to her bio. I get that she can do what she wants an all but why tell me like 2 weeks ago that she just wants to stay single and does not want any relationship.

Because sometimes dumpers are insincere in a misguided effort to avoid further hurting their exes. 

This girl has been feeding you BS for a long time, lee. She wasn't on Tinder last time because her friend's mom passed; that makes zero sense and you both know it's a load of malarkey. She's not being honest that she wants to stay single now either. 

It hurts to realize someone is not being transparent, but sometimes it's a tough truth we need to face in order to finally emotionally detach. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Well today I find out that shes on tinder, and put in effort to her bio. I get that she can do what she wants an all but why tell me like 2 weeks ago that she just wants to stay single and does not want any relationship.

She did this last year when we broke up and her excuse was that she was going through a rough time as her friends mom died and it hit her hard as she is so close to her own mom. So she felt vulnerable and alone so went on there... I find out and told her and she said she came off it as she wasn't ready. This time she looks to be on there and wanting it.  I feel broken obviously, especially after her telling me the things she said. At least I know now I mean nothing. 

No news here Lee.  Everybody saw this except you.

But now that your eyes are open, you will process this experience little by little and become a stronger, wiser person from it.  

Just don't let her in again or she'll burn you a 3rd time. 

- Beach

Edited October 26, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

No news here Lee.  Everybody saw this except you.

But now that your eyes are open, you will process this experience little by little and become a stronger, wiser person from it.  

Just don't let her in again or she'll burn you a 3rd time. 

- Beach

Im just extremely hurt from it.. more so than I thought i would be...   I genuienly thought she wanted to be single for a while, especially after the way she said that to me.. but yeah shes been feeding me BS since August... saying and doing things and then doing the opposite.  I dont know if shes just on there for sex or what....  but im shocked.. I knew shed be on it one day but not 2 weeks after telling me she wants to be single and doesnt want a relationship at all.  Last year is when her friends mom passed, and she said she went on it at that time as it hit her hard and she felt alone and vulnerable....  but then came off it after 20 minutes as she wasnt ready... This time she put effort into making a bio, uploading plenty of photos... so shes trying hard on it. I just lost my head and told her that at least i now know that she was feeding me BS all along and doesnt giver a zero F  about me..  she just didnt reply..  i deleted her.  I know i should not have said that but i lost it and just couldnt help it.  Im on tinder myself, so I hope she sees me. Although im not talking to anyone on there... I was thinking before she may miss me due to last xmas we spent together and stuff...   im not saying i was thinking shed come back, but i thought maybe shed miss me due to those memories.. but now I know she doesnt care at all and is easily wiping me out. Its just crazy how it got to this and it hurts to think she will never be seen again. My friends say she will be back if she gets no interest on there..   but i know in my head she wont reach out.  It hurts so much to think nothing of her misses me, guess i just got to take this day by day somehow..

[ExpatInItaly]

Lee, with kindness and respect , the writing has been on the wall for months now. 

She just didn't have the heart to come out and tell you. But now you know. 

Yes, take it one day at a time. These things take a long time to process and come to terms with. You will be angry for a while, but in the end, you will see that it's better that you were tapped on the shoulder by Mr. Reality who wanted to show you what was really going on here. You will hopefully no longer be tempted to fool yourself into thinking this was going to end any other way. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You need to accept the breakup and get yourself evaluated and treated for your own mental and physical health.

Leave her alone. Stop stalking. If this obsession is taking over, it's high time for you to get into therapy.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

She dumped you.  You expect her to still stay loyal and honest to you afterwards?  Your expectations are misaligned with reality.  She can go on Tinder and talk to whomever she wants.  She can have sex with a guy.  She can get herself into a new relationship and she could do it tomorrow.  

She wouldn't be wrong for any of it.  It's not her fault that you've been in denial about your breakup.   

There's been 10 pages worth of advice from different posters telling you to take this breakup seriously and cut her off, and you've barely followed a thing.  You still have her on some Social Media Apps it seems.  You're still keeping tabs on her.  Still hanging onto her words and being confused over contradictory behaviour.  Still disrespecting her wishes to end things by taking the breakup lightly.

Besides the obvious point that you are heartbroken and grieving, you're upset because your current life makes you feel alone and she was a means to escape that.  Now she took that away and your back in that boat having to confront all those frightening emotions and thoughts.  Your pissed at her for it, but it's not her responsibility to fix that.  It's yours.  

You can't control her going away but you can give a damn about you by taking responsibility for how you treat yourself.

Please do that by cutting her off.

- Beach

Edited October 26, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

On 10/26/2020 at 12:05 AM, Beachead said:

@lee179108

No news here Lee.  Everybody saw this except you.

But now that your eyes are open, you will process this experience little by little and become a stronger, wiser person from it.  

Just don't let her in again or she'll burn you a 3rd time. 

- Beach

She replied about this.. said I seriously need to move on as she has no feelings for me whatsoever... said im a great guy and that I will treat some girl great one day.. but we wernt soul mates..   weird as a few months ago she was telling me we were soul mates and that she promised none of this crap would happen...  and that she did not talk crap to me about being single  as thats what shes doing now by staying single until she finds the right person...  but whatever shes gone now...  i didnt really put up much of a conversation with her as there was no point..  i guess whats meant to be will be..  if we ever cross again that is..  i think what i struggle with is the fact she showed no empathy towards me, said and did things then did the opposite...  no care in the world for how i felt or the money i wasted on booking stuff... but oh well, one of lifes lessons i guess. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

29 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

  i think what i struggle with is the fact she showed no empathy towards me, said and did things then did the opposite...  no care in the world for how i felt or the money i wasted on booking stuff... but oh well, one of lifes lessons i guess. 

It just goes to show you that she wasn't right for you. You just didn't know it for sure, until now.  If there's some good to be seen from this, is that you are no longer unknowingly in a relationship with someone who was half-committed.  Back then, you were living in a disaster in the making.  Now, you've already experienced the disaster.  It's done and over with, and you're moving passed it.  You are now free to dedicate all your time, energy and money to yourself (And when you're ready) share it with someone who is committed and invested in a future with you, rather than her flaky, one-foot-out-door, a**

Good riddens

- Beach

Edited November 1, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

13 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

It just goes to show you that she wasn't right for you. You just didn't know it for sure, until now.  If there's some good to be seen from this, is that you are no longer unknowingly in a relationship with someone who was half-committed.  Back then, you were living in a disaster in the making.  Now, you've already experienced the disaster.  It's done and over with, and you're moving passed it.  You are now free to dedicate all your time, energy and money to yourself (And when you're ready) share it with someone who is committed and invested in a future with you, rather than her flaky, one-foot-out-door, a**

Good riddens

- Beach

Yeah, I guess going forward now I dont know whats classed as being needy when you first get talking to someone... I havent done this dating stuff for a while. So the whole texting thing will be new to me...   do I just let them come to me or I intitiate contact myself... idk..    I hate starting from scratch again. Not the best of times to be dating either with this pandemic. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I guess going forward now I dont know whats classed as being needy when you first get talking to someone... I havent done this dating stuff for a while. So the whole texting thing will be new to me...   do I just let them come to me or I intitiate contact myself... idk..    I hate starting from scratch again. Not the best of times to be dating either with this pandemic. 

In my experience, when two people are a good match, there isn't that much worry about being needy or over-texting because there is clear reciprocation of interest. Both parties are interested in sustaining the connection so there is a much more natural flow to communication. 

But I wouldn't worry about this right now. Heal from this break-up first. Take your time with it. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Well, I have 3 pieces of advice for dating: 

1. Keep it real, be honest.  Communicate.  Don't play games.  Just treat the person the way you want to be treated.  You may discover that not many will return that respect to you.  If you do, that will be their failure.  Not yours.  If you are treating them with kindness and respsect, then their ill treatment of you (Should you experience that) will have to do more with them than you.  Don't ever sell yourself out, chasing after someone.  If they're right for you, you won't need to.  They will appreciate you for you and things will just flow naturally, as Expat said.  If you do this, you'll end up with a good person of good quality who will respect you the way you want to be respected, because you respect yourself.

2. Also, when you start getting back on dating apps again and begin having your 1st few dates..get to know two at a time. This way, you won't put all your hopes onto one woman and unknowingly overwhelm her with expectation.  In addition, if one of them burns you, it won't hit you as hard.  I say two and not more than that, because the more choices you have, the less likely you'll be able to decide between any of them and the less likely you will be able to commit your time and emotional energy in a meaningful manner.  Two, is just enough to remove the pressure, and allow you to get to know both of them fairly well.

3.  Last but definitely not least, focus on your hobbies/your goals/your family and friends/and your life.  Learn to appreciate what you have in your life that is already there, so that you can learn to appreciate the little things. When you are able to do this, anything else will be a bonus.  You will also then appreciate what comes your way.   Staying focused on your life and having dreams or goals that you are passionately working on, will dilute the impact these women and the bullsh*t they might bring, will have on you.  In general, people are naturally attracted to those who have goals and aspirations that they are working towards, simply because whatever they're working on, they probably are passionate about..and it brings out their better qualities; inspiration, conversation, motivation, energy etc.  As a result, that person will bring this into their relationships.  

..but before you date, as Expat said..you need to spend time healing first.  Don't take on new feelings when you haven't sorted out the old ones yet.  Adopt number 3 and work on it as you grieve.  It will help you heal.

- Beach

 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Well i havent gone on instagram and unblocked her and blocked her for 2 or 3 days now.. i guess thats progress...  i really wanted to tonight but i didnt...  i still want her to come back to me at some point stupidly enough..  i think sometimes that i hope she misses me and reaches out. I know she wont though if shes deleted my number. But i still miss her, its a bit easier than it was back in august and september though.. but i still feel lonely and wonder if i will be like this for a long time. Xmas is coming up and i know im gonna think of last year as i spent it with her and her family so i think thats gonna be tough for me. 

[dangerous]

Hi OP, I'm late to this, and haven't read all of this, but my hunches, based on a similar experience I had:

- has she a history of trauma, drama, being abused, either by family, or ex-lovers?

- has anyone mentioned split personality disorders, eg BPD etc.

- The ups and downs of love then hate/ disinterest which keep repeating indicate this will be the trend for the long term, and this is very draining, unsettling, damaging for you. Do you really want all this drama? You cannot change or fix her, despite you wishing you could. Believe me, i have been there!

-  Look after yourself, move on. And be strict with yourself: block and no contact.

Edited November 8, 2020 by dangerous