How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[lee179108]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are too impatient with this process, Lee. 

It's going to take longer than a few weeks or a couple months for you to heal. You didn't really start to accept this break-up until fairly recently when you realize she's on Tinder. Expect to have ups and downs for a little while as you come to terms with this. 

You're right that emailing her offering to be her shoulder to cry on any time she needs it - bad idea. Not only will it not make a difference, but you should not even be offering that to your dumper to begin with. She lost that privilege when she ended it. You need to work on your self-respect here, more than anything else. 

Also, you're young. Despite your worries, plenty of people find partners at your age and older. I was 34 when I met my man, and he was 48. You're losing perspective, which is normal when we can't see outside our own pain, but you're not in a terrible position. Once you process the break-up and heal, you will very likely realize that most of your fears were over-blown. And you will definitely see that this girl was not that amazing partner you'd been convincing yourself she was. 

I hope so I just feel like because I hit 30 next year time may be running out to find that one person to settle down with and have a family..  and you're right I am impatient.... and I think its been like 4 weeks since I saw her on tinder... I dont know.  My parents say I dodged a bullet with her... and they struggle to understand why im torn up over her. I hope I will get better. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

9 hours ago, lee179108 said:

God damn I just cant feel better...  i really want her to miss me and reach out.. even if its just a merry xmas around that time.. if she did i dont know what id say...    but i know its no way happening. I keep thinking, i want to message her and tell her that im sorry if i seemed eratic...  i dont hate you and please remember im here for you for all times to talk about anything.. even thought you may not think that but i will.   I wont send it as i dont have the guts to.. but i want to. 

Lee, stop trying to force things and learn how to let it be.  Your expectations of yourself are unrealistic.   It was a giant bomb to your soul and right now you got wounds in you that require time to heal.  You can't rush this no matter how hard you try.  This is why I told you earlier, expect about a year.  You may not like that timeline, but it's real.

It took me 2-3 years to genuinely get back to being myself, from 3 separate breakups.  But I came back from it, and that's what you should take note of.  You will get better, so don't worry about that. 

If i were you, I'd start using this experience as opportunity to learn about myself and how I grieve, heal and recover.  I'd use it as an opportunity to practice good coping mechanisms.  These are rare occasions, where your emotions run hot, and you are completely connected with the core of your being. It means you can get in touch with your real fears, what drives you, what you want and all the things that make you who you are and you can make changes.  I'll tell you this much, when you get better, you won't be able to access yourself so deeply again.  This is the time, to work on yourself spiritually. The best growth occurs from the tough times in our life.  So don't waste it.  Use it.

- Beach

Edited November 23, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 I hope I will get better. 

Why wouldn't you?

People recover from break-ups all the time. Many after much longer relationships than this. Why would you be the exception? 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why wouldn't you?

People recover from break-ups all the time. Many after much longer relationships than this. Why would you be the exception? 

I dont know, shes the first one I've truly loved and had that family bond with..first one I found that was helping me, confident and so on... I do also struggle to see why she had no empathy towards how she made me feel, the money I wasted in things I booked for her and for her to do this the day before my birthday and not care. But hey.. I guess this happens... there is no way I'm going to be a friend to her if she ever reaches out. But she wont as shes completely wiped me off the grid. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I dont know, shes the first one I've truly loved and had that family bond with..first one I found that was helping me, confident and so on... I do also struggle to see why she had no empathy towards how she made me feel, the money I wasted in things I booked for her and for her to do this the day before my birthday and not care. But hey.. I guess this happens... there is no way I'm going to be a friend to her if she ever reaches out. But she wont as shes completely wiped me off the grid. 

Yes, it does. 

And sometimes it happens a couple times in our lives. Sometimes more than that . We invest, and we get hurt. Life ain't fair and it's a risk we take when we enter a relationship.  You need to take some accountability for the increased risk you took in welcoming her back after she dumped you the first time, too. That's not to say that this is your fault, but you need to recognize that you took a pretty significant gamble. It doesn't matter what she promised you or that she swore wouldn't do it again. We need to have some agency in our own choices and learn that sometimes people cannot be held to their word. 

But we can't lay around and pity ourselves too much either. We can allow ourselves to assume the Poor Me position for too long. At some point, we have to decide that we are going to get better. Break-ups hurt, but do not have to be the end of the world if we don't allow them to be. 

You will get there but you need to let go of the "she'll never contact me again" loop you've had playing in your mind for weeks now. You repeat some variation of it in almost every post. What does dwelling on that serve you? Why keep reinforcing it?

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

 I do also struggle to see why she had no empathy towards how she made me feel, the money I wasted in things I booked for her and for her to do this the day before my birthday and not care. 

Because you're being selfish at the moment.  Understandable, but selfish.

The past 3 months, your writing shows you largely saw your her as this thing to complete you.  You couldn't see her as her own person but she is.  She has her own baggage, her own needs, her own wants and desires.  She has people who influence her.  She's shaped by her environment and her past.   She is her own person.  Her decision to leave you wasn't all about you.  It was more about her.  You take it as all you, because it allows you to feel like you could have done something about it.  Truth is, there was nothing you could do.  Your relationship was just not meant to be.  Relationships are risks.  You don't have control over the other person, what they've been through, what they desire which affects what they choose.  They ultimately choose what they feel is best for them and all you can do is be the best you you can be and hope that's enough.   When she pulled the plug and walked, you "cared" about her mental health and her reasons, to remain connected, and only so long as your hope lasted.  Once she shattered that, she shattered all connection, and you were forced to confront your own demons. You became angry at her for it.  To you, being 30 and in that state, is inadequate and a failure as a human being on your part.   So losing her was absolutely unacceptable because of what you felt YOU WOULD would lose.  I don't see any regard for her in this situation.  Hence, why I say you're being selfish.  But a pass can be given to you, because heartbreak can blind a person.

The reality is, ofcourse she feels some type of way about what happened.  She invested time into this relationship as well.  At one point, she chose to date you which means she had an interest in you.  But time went on and she learned the relationship wasn't right for her but she dealt with the guilt and doubt and conflicting thoughts WHILE she was with you.  You need remember you took her back the first time she dumped you, but she did dump you the first time, and that is a sign there were problems even before then.  But she's also immature and inexperienced and not very self-aware, so she made some bad decisions, and got back together with you, thinking she knew how she felt.   I don't have a doubt in my mind you were completely blind to red flags the whole way through.  Truth is, your ex was emotionally/physically disconnecting from you for a long time and your inexperience and naivity stopped you from seeing it.  But with advise and help and support this time around, you woke up. 

You were a good boyfriend but just because you did these things for her, doesn't mean she's bound to you.  Doesn't mean she can never leave.  

As time goes on, you'll gain clarity and you'll understand this.

- Beach

Edited November 23, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it does. 

And sometimes it happens a couple times in our lives. Sometimes more than that . We invest, and we get hurt. Life ain't fair and it's a risk we take when we enter a relationship.  You need to take some accountability for the increased risk you took in welcoming her back after she dumped you the first time, too. That's not to say that this is your fault, but you need to recognize that you took a pretty significant gamble. It doesn't matter what she promised you or that she swore wouldn't do it again. We need to have some agency in our own choices and learn that sometimes people cannot be held to their word. 

But we can't lay around and pity ourselves too much either. We can allow ourselves to assume the Poor Me position for too long. At some point, we have to decide that we are going to get better. Break-ups hurt, but do not have to be the end of the world if we don't allow them to be. 

You will get there but you need to let go of the "she'll never contact me again" loop you've had playing in your mind for weeks now. You repeat some variation of it in almost every post. What does dwelling on that serve you? Why keep reinforcing it?

I know it doesnt serve me anything... for some reason I just cant stop with it...  ive even been thinking about contacting a doctor to see if they refer me to someone... i dont know if thats the right thing to do.. but i cant stop thinking about all of this and stop feeling bad.. and stop thinking about her and to stop hoping she'll reach out at some point. I guess the only way I've improved is by that ive stopped unblocking and blocking her instagram... i just keep her on blocked now because i dont wanna feel bad or see something i wont like.  Im very impatient and an over thinker...  so i guess im worrying right now about my future and how im gonna not talk or see her for the rest of my life... i just dont know how im going to accept that right now. I know i have to but yeah...  

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 so i guess im worrying right now about my future and how im gonna not talk or see her for the rest of my life... i just dont know how im going to accept that right now. I know i have to but yeah...  

Eventually, that's probably what will happen. 

Most exes don't stay in touch for the rest of their lives. People move on and drift apart. But as time passes, this will feel less terrifying and a lot more normal. You're not used to not having her around yet, but as more time passes, you will adjust. You can't rush this phase. 

You're doing the right thing keeping her blocked, though. Seeing what she's up to will only hurt you. 

[Beachead]

12 hours ago, lee179108 said:

for some reason I just cant stop with it...

Because you're rushing yourself and you seem to have this expectation that you should heal in a matter of weeks or months.

This stuff takes time and patience will be required.  

[Millennial]

Not your responsibility. Not your problem.

You can try and 'save people', but it's far more likely that you'll be dragged down with them.

If she's messing you about so much, she deserves a bit of villainy, if anything.
 

[lee179108]

On 11/24/2020 at 11:41 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Eventually, that's probably what will happen. 

Most exes don't stay in touch for the rest of their lives. People move on and drift apart. But as time passes, this will feel less terrifying and a lot more normal. You're not used to not having her around yet, but as more time passes, you will adjust. You can't rush this phase. 

You're doing the right thing keeping her blocked, though. Seeing what she's up to will only hurt you. 

I do wonder a lot about things... like if she will email me to say merry xmas  and if she does what do I say??  do i just reply with a short you too...    and the last time i saw her on tinder was just before lockdown a month ago, ever since that i havent seen her so I wonder if shes with someone else or did she actually just come off it due to the lockdown.. i dont know.. cant help but wondering sometimes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I do wonder a lot about things... like if she will email me to say merry xmas  and if she does what do I say??  do i just reply with a short you too...    and the last time i saw her on tinder was just before lockdown a month ago, ever since that i havent seen her so I wonder if shes with someone else or did she actually just come off it due to the lockdown.. i dont know.. cant help but wondering sometimes. 

It's human to wonder, of course.

The point is that you can't invest to heavily in wondering. Worrying now about what you will say if she happens to wish you a Merry Christmas is a waste of emotional energy. Cross the bridge if you come to it. The same goes for wondering if she's still on Tinder or if she's met another guy. Don't let yourself go too far down that rabbit-hole. You might hear nothing more for months, or you might randomly hear through the grapevine that she's dating someone. There is little that worrying about it can do for you. 

Your attention would be best-directed towards planning your own things now.  Easier said than done, I realize, but you will need to start practicing some diversion techniques so that your mind is not going in a constant loop. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I do wonder a lot about things... like if she will email me to say merry xmas  and if she does what do I say??  do i just reply with a short you too...    and the last time i saw her on tinder was just before lockdown a month ago, ever since that i havent seen her so I wonder if shes with someone else or did she actually just come off it due to the lockdown.. i dont know.. cant help but wondering sometimes. 

She may message you during the holidays or she may not.  She may message you months from now.  Maybe a year from now.  Maybe never again.   If she does message you, doesn't mean she wants you back.  Even if she did want you back, can you trust her?  

You wanted to be with her, but she dumped you twice and destroyed the trust.  So tell me what is the point in responding?  Do you really want to get back into that drama again?  

If you reinforce what your overall situation with her really is like so, you can combat your anxious thoughts.

- Beach

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

She may message you during the holidays or she may not.  She may message you months from now.  Maybe a year from now.  Maybe never again.   If she does message you, doesn't mean she wants you back.  Even if she did want you back, can you trust her?  

You wanted to be with her, but she dumped you twice and destroyed the trust.  So tell me what is the point in responding?  Do you really want to get back into that drama again?  

If you reinforce what your overall situation with her really is like so, you can combat your anxious thoughts.

- Beach

 

I get what you're saying, I guess ive realised how maybe I was needy and sometimes negative and not interacting with my friends as much but we were in a serious lockdown..  If she did message id just be short, nothing serious. I know I wouldnt be able to ignore it, but yeah shes never been one to e-mail so thats why I dont expect a thing since my number is deleted. I just want these holidays out of the way now, restart and get into a healthy routine. I hope next year will be a good one and I can come on here and update you all.  This has helped me in a weird way, just coming on here to vent and share my thoughts...  what shes done/said and what all of you think. I've spent money on treating myself.. maybe a little too much.. talked to friends over social media..  small things. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

I get what you're saying, I guess ive realised how maybe I was needy and sometimes negative and not interacting with my friends as much but we were in a serious lockdown.. 

It's good to realize these things but sometimes exes don't fully understand why they're ending the relationship and then they tell you what they think is the reason, when it's not the whole story.   Sometimes they do know the reason, and they just don't want to get into it with the person they're breaking up with. Whatever the case, these reasons also have to do with them.  Although you can control your own side of the equation, you cannot control her side.  For example,  can you control what she went through before she met you?  Who she chose to be with?  Who she chose as her friends.  How they've influenced and shaped her in her life?  Can you control how she feels about herself and how she perceives her world as a result?  It's a rhetorical question and the answer is no, you can't.  You can't do sh*t about it..and that means it is entirely possible for you to have done all the right things and still experience a breakup with someone..because  it isn't all up to you to make your relationship work. 

So sure, she says she wished you were a certain way and that could very well be a contributing reason to her losing some interest, but it just isn't the only reason.  There's a lot more to the story which you will never know.  Perhaps she doesn't even know herself right now.  But maybe one day 10 years from now, with time and maturity, she will.  Whatever the case is, that journey is for her and there's nothing you can do about it.  That's why you have to stop focusing on the miniscule details of what she said to you and take it with a grain of salt.   As in, stop blaming yourself. 

Another lesson for you is to learn how to let things be and understand that you cannot control everything that happens to you.  

Quote

If she did message id just be short, nothing serious

The problem with this is exes have a way of triggering that small hope, quietly locked in the back of our mind.  You'll think you have it under control but something as little as "Hi" could trigger your anxiety and send you spiralling into your mental state 2 months ago.  You'll recover and you will learn from it, but it'll cost you time

Right now, you need to treat yourself as a drug addict that's in rehab.  She is your drug.  Seeing or being around her, at such a vulnerable time, can lead to a relapse.  But if you don't give her the access to contact you or yourself the access to see her activity, she won't be able to get to you and injure you again.  The only thing that might challenge you in this case, is not being able to see what she's up to or know if she attempted to contact you..but you can combat the anxiety that comes with that, by reinforcing the truth about your relationship with her.  And the truth is, she chose to leave you, twice, by her own free-will.  If she was committed to a future with you, she wouldn't have left.

- Beach

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

It's good to realize these things but sometimes exes don't fully understand why they're ending the relationship and then they tell you what they think is the reason, when it's not the whole story.   Sometimes they do know the reason, and they just don't want to get into it with the person they're breaking up with. Whatever the case, these reasons also have to do with them.  Although you can control your own side of the equation, you cannot control her side.  For example,  can you control what she went through before she met you?  Who she chose to be with?  Who she chose as her friends.  How they've influenced and shaped her in her life?  Can you control how she feels about herself and how she perceives her world as a result?  It's a rhetorical question and the answer is no, you can't.  You can't do sh*t about it..and that means it is entirely possible for you to have done all the right things and still experience a breakup with someone..because  it isn't all up to you to make your relationship work. 

So sure, she says she wished you were a certain way and that could very well be a contributing reason to her losing some interest, but it just isn't the only reason.  There's a lot more to the story which you will never know.  Perhaps she doesn't even know herself right now.  But maybe one day 10 years from now, with time and maturity, she will.  Whatever the case is, that journey is for her and there's nothing you can do about it.  That's why you have to stop focusing on the miniscule details of what she said to you and take it with a grain of salt.   As in, stop blaming yourself. 

Another lesson for you is to learn how to let things be and understand that you cannot control everything that happens to you.  

The problem with this is exes have a way of triggering that small hope, quietly locked in the back of our mind.  You'll think you have it under control but something as little as "Hi" could trigger your anxiety and send you spiralling into your mental state 2 months ago.  You'll recover and you will learn from it, but it'll cost you time

Right now, you need to treat yourself as a drug addict that's in rehab.  She is your drug.  Seeing or being around her, at such a vulnerable time, can lead to a relapse.  But if you don't give her the access to contact you or yourself the access to see her activity, she won't be able to get to you and injure you again.  The only thing that might challenge you in this case, is not being able to see what she's up to or know if she attempted to contact you..but you can combat the anxiety that comes with that, by reinforcing the truth about your relationship with her.  And the truth is, she chose to leave you, twice, by her own free-will.  If she was committed to a future with you, she wouldn't have left.

- Beach

 

Thanks, she was definetly immature in her ways whereas im quite mature in what i want and how i am... like if i have a problem or something on my mind i will talk about it to solve it. I get not everybody is like that and have their ways.. but me i like to fix problems and always wanted an open and honest relationship. Im traditional in the way how i wanted to enjoy life, settle down eventually and go further...  she wanted that but then it turned to not wanting it. I guess all these problems that happened wont happen with someone i click with and it will just flow naturally..ive learnt from certain things that i may have done thats off putting... 

[lee179108]

Oh great, I go on tinder tonight and see her on there... first time ive seen her on there in a month.. so it may mean shes gone back on and she has different photos.. which annoyed me and made me feel like crap.. i dont know why.. I guess because shes looking for someone else.. just annoyed me, made me feel sad, thinking shes never going to reach out...   just ruined my night with my friends to be honest...  I know its the hard trutgh and I cant do anything about it. But damn it hurt. 

[Wiseman2]

Are you on Tinder? You need to let go. 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Wiseman2

[lee179108]

Yes I am... but no luck. I know I need to let it go.. still doesn't change the fact I feel terrible and hate the fact that I mean nothing now. I hope she sees me on it anyway. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

That's irritating. 

I believe you're able to unmatch her so you don't have to see her on Tinder.  It works in the same way as blocking.

Besides that, you should not be dating right now man.

 

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

That's irritating. 

I believe you're able to unmatch her so you don't have to see her on Tinder.  It works in the same way as blocking.

Besides that, you should not be dating right now man.

 

I didnt match her, I was just swiping and then came across her...  first time in a month as now the lockdown as eased.  

[Beachead]

@lee179108

The point being is you're not really in a good headspace to be dating right now so you should have uninstalled the dating apps.  Doing this also ensures you won't see her unexpectedly.  Down the road when you're head has cleared (In about a year's time), you can reinstall the apps and get back to it.  You may see her but it won't set you back the way does now.   But right now, you need her out of your sight.

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yes I am... but no luck. I know I need to let it go.. still doesn't change the fact I feel terrible and hate the fact that I mean nothing now. I hope she sees me on it anyway. 

Why? What do you hope that will achieve?

Don't fall into the  trap of assuming your dumper will suddenly miss you and want you again when they see you on dating apps. If the ex ends it and is really moving on, seeing their former partner on a dating site doesn't generally rattle them much.  That's not the headspace they're in. I get that it hurts to realize an ex is looking for someone else, no doubt. But sometimes we need that cold dose of reality to really start accepting that it's over and it's not coming back. 

You will get there, but as the others have said, Tinder is not the best idea for you right now. Even casual hook-ups are likely to be too difficult as you'll just be reminded of the fact those girls aren't her. 

 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why? What do you hope that will achieve?

Don't fall into the  trap of assuming your dumper will suddenly miss you and want you again when they see you on dating apps. If the ex ends it and is really moving on, seeing their former partner on a dating site doesn't generally rattle them much.  That's not the headspace they're in. I get that it hurts to realize an ex is looking for someone else, no doubt. But sometimes we need that cold dose of reality to really start accepting that it's over and it's not coming back. 

You will get there, but as the others have said, Tinder is not the best idea for you right now. Even casual hook-ups are likely to be too difficult as you'll just be reminded of the fact those girls aren't her. 

 

I hope I get there... its hard to imagine right now that one day im gonna be totally fine with all of this and just not think of her at all. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you been to a physician to address the underlying depression, anxiety and obsessions?

You'll get relief when you address the underlying problems and get ongoing support from a qualified licensed therapist.

It may help to journal here somewhat, but it doesn't take the place of a physician's evaluation and a therapist's support.