How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[lee179108]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sad that she is refusing treatment. That may be why she's getting worse and worse. 

Im not sure if she is...  I do think that when she starts back in work she will be in a better place with that structure and routine...  time will tell i guess.

[lee179108]

Right, what do I do in terms of next Monday which is the day of her councelling assessment? instead of you saying its over, she doesnt care and so on... tell me here now whats the better option..

Do I say to her, all the best on your counselling today  - This shows that I care and im there being supportive no matter whats happened or it could just hassle her i dont know.

Do I stay quiet and not say anything at all - This could make her reflect, miss me and make her reach out to me to give an update on the counselling...   I dont want her to think I've abandoned her and not there anymore.  

 

thanks

[Acacia98]

On 8/21/2020 at 10:11 AM, lee179108 said:

Well yeah she broke up before but it make sense if she has a mental problem, you can all say otherwise but for me I want to stay and see what happens and learn from the experience....  I just dont get why she felt the need to update me and small talk me... but she hasnt reached out in 3 days now. 

You do realize that a person with mental illness is not defined 100% by their mental illness, right? I mean, folks with mental illness have the capacity to fall out of love and decide they want out of a relationship and actually mean it. And they have the capacity to be considerate or manipulative or insensitive or whatever. You can't explain everything away as a symptom of mental illness.

Like others, I am a bit worried about you. I have to wonder where your limits lie. You sound like you're conditioning yourself to accept any form of mistreatment in the name of supporting your ex. And that's the worst kind of manipulation: the type you do to yourself.

Listen, the most respectful, kindest thing you can do for your ex is give her the space she wants to figure out her life. Allow her to figure out how to deal with challenges and problems and how to create structure in her life using her own internal resources. Your desire to be a white knight (do a search for "white knight syndrome") would probably hinder that process and make her dependent on you, which is not ideal for her own mental health situation.

[Wiseman2]

Why can't she reach out to you if and when she's ready?

[alphamale]

On 8/20/2020 at 8:30 PM, d0nnivain said:

You don't need to be patient & you don't need to deal with her.  She broke up with you.  She is your EX. When you broke up last time & then got back together this was your 2nd chance.  She's gone & done the same crap again.  Don't go back for a 3rd helping. 

NC & heal.  Then move on to somebody mentally healthy & emotionally invested.  

i whole-heartedly agree with this ^^^

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You do realize that a person with mental illness is not defined 100% by their mental illness, right? I mean, folks with mental illness have the capacity to fall out of love and decide they want out of a relationship and actually mean it. And they have the capacity to be considerate or manipulative or insensitive or whatever. You can't explain everything away as a symptom of mental illness.

Like others, I am a bit worried about you. I have to wonder where your limits lie. You sound like you're conditioning yourself to accept any form of mistreatment in the name of supporting your ex. And that's the worst kind of manipulation: the type you do to yourself.

Listen, the most respectful, kindest thing you can do for your ex is give her the space she wants to figure out her life. Allow her to figure out how to deal with challenges and problems and how to create structure in her life using her own internal resources. Your desire to be a white knight (do a search for "white knight syndrome") would probably hinder that process and make her dependent on you, which is not ideal for her own mental health situation.

yes

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You do realize that a person with mental illness is not defined 100% by their mental illness, right? I mean, folks with mental illness have the capacity to fall out of love and decide they want out of a relationship and actually mean it. And they have the capacity to be considerate or manipulative or insensitive or whatever. You can't explain everything away as a symptom of mental illness.

Like others, I am a bit worried about you. I have to wonder where your limits lie. You sound like you're conditioning yourself to accept any form of mistreatment in the name of supporting your ex. And that's the worst kind of manipulation: the type you do to yourself.

Listen, the most respectful, kindest thing you can do for your ex is give her the space she wants to figure out her life. Allow her to figure out how to deal with challenges and problems and how to create structure in her life using her own internal resources. Your desire to be a white knight (do a search for "white knight syndrome") would probably hinder that process and make her dependent on you, which is not ideal for her own mental health situation.

Thank you for this...  i will give her space and not say anything.. like im doing now. It hurts and doesnt get easy right now.. but i will do it.. i was just worried she think i did not care and just moved on.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

You do realize that a person with mental illness is not defined 100% by their mental illness, right? I mean, folks with mental illness have the capacity to fall out of love and decide they want out of a relationship and actually mean it. And they have the capacity to be considerate or manipulative or insensitive or whatever. You can't explain everything away as a symptom of mental illness.

Exactly.  Respect her by taking her seriously and the breakup seriously.  She knew what she was doing. 

..even if she does get upset with you for giving her space, she just wouldn't be justified to feel so, being she was the who broke it off with you.  She would be wrong if felt that way, as you being there at her convenience, would be absolutely destructive to your life.  She will see that in the longrun.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Exactly.  Respect her by taking her seriously and the breakup seriously.  She knew what she was doing. 

..even if she does get upset with you for giving her space, she just wouldn't be justified to feel so, being she was the who broke it off with you.  She would be wrong if felt that way, as you being there at her convenience, would be absolutely destructive to your life.  She will see that in the longrun.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

I will, it was just the fact that if i didnt wish her well or ask about her appointments that it would not show that i really care, whereas I wanted to show that im different and always there for her despite everything. But i think leaving her alone is the best option... that way she can update me on them if she wants to.

[lee179108]

I did a status on whatsapp yesterday, just a photo of me in the gym... i do statuses every now and then without thinking too much of it....   she then texted me saying I look very impressive, i just said thank you and she didnt reply..  I thought she wouldnt be able to see it as I thought she may have deleted my number, but i guess she hadn't. Not sure if it means something for her to randomly say that but oh well, im not messaging her about anything, definitely not about Monday and see what happens in the next few weeks. I know you all will tell me to stop analyzing etc, and I am trying..  I guess one fear is when she starts the counselling and back to work she gets better and feels so good then wont want to involve herself with me again and maybe go back to feeling bad...  i dont know. I am trying though...  working out a lot, on a diet, walking...  I just think sometimes if she messages me there must be some sort of feeling there and if i stay quiet that will give her a reason to reach out and update me on her appointments. But yeah, im giving her the space. 

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you put a lot of faith in those get your ex back tips. 

For example you posted this gym pic to get her attention. 

 

[lee179108]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you put a lot of faith in those get your ex back tips. 

For example you posted this gym pic to get her attention. 

 

I actually didn't think she would see it as I thought she deleted me off whatsapp... but she didn't..  I did not put it there to get her attention, but even so if she didn't care or anything she wouldn't have reacted. Strange one. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

I know you all will tell me to stop analyzing etc, and I am trying.. 

Right now, you have hope and are not ready to cut her off completely yet, so it's only normal you will continue to analyze and interpret what she says or does in a way that agrees with those hopes. It's part of the stage you're at.   Continue to try not to for now, but understand it will be easier to do and you may even naturally naturally stop analyzing/hope, when you are ready to let go.  That readiness will come when time will have afforded you the emotional experience of holding on and the clarity of your situation.

Quote

I guess one fear is when she starts the counselling and back to work she gets better and feels so good then wont want to involve herself with me again and maybe go back to feeling bad...  i dont know. 

If that outcome happened, it just means that was the direction she was always going to go in, no matter how great of a boyfriend you were.  Think about it; if you were yourself with her, there's nothing more you could have given her. You can't fake being anyone else but you.  Yourself is your best-self.  (You can certainly change, but with time, life experience and the willingness to work at it)  On her side, she would simply required things that maybe you were incapable of providing.  That would not be your fault and it wouldn't mean you are inadequate as a boyfriend.  It would just mean you and her were incompatible.   

Just remember, that several other factors (Both internal to her needs and external in her life that come from her social life and society) contribute to what she wants and what she chooses in her life.  You and your quality as a boyfriend is not the only factor that goes into it.  In any case, you're a good dude who cares for your girlfriend (Someone who has now recently become an ex).  

- Beach

Edited August 26, 2020 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I actually didn't think she would see it as I thought she deleted me off whatsapp... but she didn't..  I did not put it there to get her attention, but even so if she didn't care or anything she wouldn't have reacted. Strange one. 

You seem to be very anxious to reconnect with her.

[lee179108]

Update

 

So today she texted me to say 'Sorry to do this over text, but ive decided to stay single for the near future, i love you as a person but dont see anything more. I want to concentrate on myself for the time being as selfish as that sounds. Thank you for the amazing memories and i hope in time we can be friends'.  She then said she will get better mentally but there may never be an us  and I need to accept that.  To me her saying there MAY never be an us tells me shes still confused or not right in the head.  I said you sound confused when you said may never be an us and she just replied with an OK.  

She said something almost identical to this last year, even worse like i dont want a relationship, no spark and want to focus on myself and went on tinder.  Then after 2 months no contact she missed me and wanted to try again..  She hasnt got back to work yet or started her councelling, thats next week.

She knows I said before i will be patient and to talk to me like an adult openly about everything when she feels better and then we take it slow going forward  and see how it goes when shes better. I think she also knows deep down I will never just be friends. 

 

But yeah im not saying anymore now, not even sending or wishing her anything on her birthday, and im not coming back on here because i know you honest opinions will make me feel worse. But yeah if anything good does come out of all this i will update you. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Update

 

So today she texted me to say 'Sorry to do this over text, but ive decided to stay single for the near future, i love you as a person but dont see anything more. I want to concentrate on myself for the time being as selfish as that sounds. Thank you for the amazing memories and i hope in time we can be friends'.  She then said she will get better mentally but there may never be an us  and I need to accept that.  To me her saying there MAY never be an us tells me shes still confused or not right in the head.  I said you sound confused when you said may never be an us and she just replied with an OK.  

She said something almost identical to this last year, even worse like i dont want a relationship, no spark and want to focus on myself and went on tinder.  Then after 2 months no contact she missed me and wanted to try again..  She hasnt got back to work yet or started her councelling, thats next week.

She knows I said before i will be patient and to talk to me like an adult openly about everything when she feels better and then we take it slow going forward  and see how it goes when shes better. I think she also knows deep down I will never just be friends. 

 

But yeah im not saying anymore now, not even sending or wishing her anything on her birthday, and im not coming back on here because i know you honest opinions will make me feel worse. But yeah if anything good does come out of all this i will update you. 

Sorry to hear this. Good call not to send her anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

So today she texted me to say 'Sorry to do this over text, but ive decided to stay single for the near future, i love you as a person but dont see anything more. I want to concentrate on myself for the time being as selfish as that sounds. Thank you for the amazing memories and i hope in time we can be friends'.  She then said she will get better mentally but there may never be an us  and I need to accept that.  To me her saying there MAY never be an us tells me shes still confused or not right in the head.  I said you sound confused when you said may never be an us and she just replied with an OK.  

She replied that way (with “ok) because you’re reading far too much into one word (“may”) and essentially dismissing the rest of her message. She doesn’t know how else to tell you that it’s over in a way that you won’t refute, and that won’t hurt you even more. 

I know it stings. Like hell. But lee, it’s time to start working toward acceptance that this chapter has come to its conclusion. If you don’t, you’ll be worse off when one day, maybe even a long time from now, you get wind of her having moved in to someone else. You will kick yourself for having been far too patient and living in false hope, and not wanting to believe that she might truly have wanted out. 

Take all that care and compassion you have, and start channeling it toward yourself now. Be kind to yourself as you heal. Someday, you will meet a woman you can lavish that one who will reciprocate your commitment and love. This woman just isn’t her. 

Edited August 27, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Don't respond to her again Lee.  Just cut her off.  Whatever social media you have her on, block her on it.  Remove her number off your phone.  You don't have to get rid of anything, but pack everything that reminds you of her and get it out of your sight.  That includes anything on your phone as well.   You do not want her to be around in the state of mind your going to be in over the next year.  For one, she doesn't deserve to see it and secondly, its none of her business. 

Don't try to convince people who don't want to be in your life, to be in your life.  When they choose to walk out, after all you've shared together, after all your history, after you giving your best, what more can you give them?  It means who you are and the relationship wasn't enough for them.  They require other things that you cannot provide.  And in choosing to leave you, they are choosing to be with someone else, even if they haven't met them.  That's what a breakup ultimately means.

I know how painful reading that is as well.

Despite my advice, I know what it feels like to be in a relationship and to lose it.   When you're in it and you're invested, you naturally look for solutions to save your relationship.  There is always one more thing you can do because you're invested and you see a future and you want to realize that future with them.  And when you're in it and you're invested, what are actual warning signs in the relationship that an outside party might pick up on, you excuse.   You forgive.  You see the better side to them.  When it's over, you sit there disillusioned by it all, blaming yourself for not being the man you feel she wanted.  Blaming yourself for letting her in and giving her the power to hurt you like this.

I've heard the "I love you's" and "I see a future with you,"  My exes talked about the idea of moving in together.  Kids.  Meeting parents.  They made promises.  The same exes who chose to leave my life not long after.   "It's not easy" is an understatement.  When it happens..it's downright agony.

She may not come back again, but if she does...I wouldn't respond to her at all, unless you want to risk going back to the mental-place that I know you're currently in. 

Take your time with this and don't stifle your feelings by burying them or running away from it.  Feel them, experience them, express them.  It's the only way you'll process them, work through them and eventually overcome them to become a better version of you.

- Beach

Edited August 27, 2020 by Beachead

[S2B]

An ex? No need to communicate at all.

[lee179108]

3 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Don't respond to her again Lee.  Just cut her off.  Whatever social media you have her on, block her on it.  Remove her number off your phone.  You don't have to get rid of anything, but pack everything that reminds you of her and get it out of your sight.  That includes anything on your phone as well.   You do not want her to be around in the state of mind your going to be in over the next year.  For one, she doesn't deserve to see it and secondly, its none of her business. 

Don't try to convince people who don't want to be in your life, to be in your life.  When they choose to walk out, after all you've shared together, after all your history, after you giving your best, what more can you give them?  It means who you are and the relationship wasn't enough for them.  They require other things that you cannot provide.  And in choosing to leave you, they are choosing to be with someone else, even if they haven't met them.  That's what a breakup ultimately means.

I know how painful reading that is as well.

Despite my advice, I know what it feels like to be in a relationship and to lose it.   When you're in it and you're invested, you naturally look for solutions to save your relationship.  There is always one more thing you can do because you're invested and you see a future and you want to realize that future with them.  And when you're in it and you're invested, what are actual warning signs in the relationship that an outside party might pick up on, you excuse.   You forgive.  You see the better side to them.  When it's over, you sit there disillusioned by it all, blaming yourself for not being the man you feel she wanted.  Blaming yourself for letting her in and giving her the power to hurt you like this.

I've heard the "I love you's" and "I see a future with you,"  My exes talked about the idea of moving in together.  Kids.  Meeting parents.  They made promises.  The same exes who chose to leave my life not long after.   "It's not easy" is an understatement.  When it happens..it's downright agony.

She may not come back again, but if she does...I wouldn't respond to her at all, unless you want to risk going back to the mental-place that I know you're currently in. 

Take your time with this and don't stifle your feelings by burying them or running away from it.  Feel them, experience them, express them.  It's the only way you'll process them, work through them and eventually overcome them to become a better version of you.

- Beach

Thank you for your words, Im not saying anything more to her as its pointless. She wont contact me again anyway, I'd be surprised if she did...  she did last year after saying stuff like this.. last year she even said she doesnt want a relationship and worse things... but this time it feels different. I know now definitely that i wont wish her a happy birthday and that may surprise her but I know not to do it. 

Yes it hurts a lot, I remember the times I was there for her when she was going through difficult times when her mom was ill and when she was worrying over being pregnant.. I calmed her down and even went with her to get the tests and stood by her all the time. I remember her saying she loves me, doesnt want to lose me and all that. I have blocked her off instagram and deleted her number... even though I know her number in my head lol...  and i was unblocking her and blocking her off instagram to look at the number of posts she had... its still the same so she didnt delete the photo of us.. (I know I sound crazy and I will stop that now)   I have thrown away the mirror and t shirt she left here lol   but she still has my hoodie.  Its hard as some stuff she bought for my house and I cant just throw them away, also when i first moved in here 2 years ago she helped me to move stuff in and decorate so its kinda weird..I also used to go to a lot of football (soccer)  games with her as she has a season ticket.. so now everytime I watch my team I will think of her which is hard.

Like I told her before she needs to get better and we will have an adult conversation, take it slow no pressure and see how things go after her councelling and work routine... but she didnt reply. I know now the worst thing I can do is say anymore and I wont and im never expecting to hear from her again. Im not going to just be a friend and I think she knows that. I hope one day she will miss me and regret all this and I wont be there as I will have moved on... like i think im a decent guy, got my own place, car, ok job and I have never treated her bad and always spoilt her and been there for her... whereas her ex was the opposite and destroyed her. Obviously im not enough for her and I guarantee she will end up on tinder at some point.   But yeah talking is done and I hope I will find someone else sometime. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, lee179108 said:

... like i think im a decent guy, got my own place, car, ok job and I have never treated her bad and always spoilt her and been there for her... whereas her ex was the opposite and destroyed her. Obviously im not enough for her and I guarantee she will end up on tinder at some point.   But yeah talking is done and I hope I will find someone else sometime. 

These are qualities the right woman for you will adore and appreciate, Lee. 

I know it's nearly impossible now to reconcile the fact that she is opting out, considering all you bring to the table, but love and human behaviour is rarely that logical. Sometimes even we can't explain why we want or don't want to be with someone, despite whatever negative or positive qualities a person has. Look how many people remain in toxic, chaotic or abusive relationships. It's not healthy, but there they are. 

In time, I think you will come to see that this relationship wasn't really the right one for you, either. She wasn't reliable; she wasn't consistent. She didn't work to provide the feelings of security and safety we all seek in our partners. She has a lot of work to do on herself that extends beyond whatever mental health issues she's facing at the moment. (Immaturity being a big one, based on what you describe) 

Might she wind up on Tinder? Yes, she might. It will sting. But you just keep swiping if you see her (assuming you're attempting to steel yourself for that possibility) Process this break-up before you try dating again. You may just find that by the time you are ready to get back out there, the idea of bumping into her in the dating scene won't bother you quite as much. 

[Wiseman2]

Now it's time to focus on you, your schooling, work, friends, family, interests and most of all your physical and mental health.

Now is the time to forget about fixing her as a distraction and get on with the business of living your own life.

 

[lee179108]

I will let you all know if she contacts me again, I highly doubt she will this time as it feels different to me but then again only time will tell. Last year she said things like I need to move on, doesnt want a relationship and all that and she came back as she missed me. I dont think that will happen this time, thank you all for your words. 

 

Whats funny is that after she sent that text yesterday she then blocked me on whatsapp for like 10 minutes before unblocking me....  i know why she did it as she didnt want to feel guilty or hear anything off me... but there you go. 

Edited August 27, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I will let you all know if she contacts me again, I highly doubt she will this time as it feels different to me but then again only time will tell. Last year she said things like I need to move on, doesnt want a relationship and all that and she came back as she missed me. I dont think that will happen this time, thank you all for your words. 

Even if she did, the foundation of your relationship has been blown too far too smithereens for this to be your "forever" person. She would break your heart again. 

Maybe it feels different also because you are starting to feel differently about her, too. 

You will be okay. It will take time, but you'll get there. 

[lee179108]

Yeah if she did I would always have this in the back of my mind wondering if it would happen again... but I'm quite confident she wont contact because theres no reason for her to now. Unless she genuinely does want to mess with my head, if she does I will update you all.  I just remember this similar situation happening last year, we had an argument over the phone talking about it and trying to figure it out and she was so clear on not wanting a relationship.. then boom 2 months she misses me and gets back in touch. I do believe in karma though, if you hurt someone then you will get it back...