How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

If ever there was a chance of just meeting or talking again...   why is no contact and not doing any statuses etc the best way??  i get that its a way for them to miss you?  but is it also a way they easily move on....  whereas if they see a status or whatever of you that might put something in their head to miss you and give a reason for them to reach out??? 

 

Because the purpose of No-Contact has nothing to do with her.  That's your problem right there and it is your only problem.  You're still using it as a means to manipulate her back into your arms.  You still haven't begun to genuinely live life for yourself yet.  It's all for her.  

No-Contact is for YOU and you apply it because you fundamentally care about yourself and where your life goes.  Because you have the sense to see that if a person you were with for years chose to break up with you, what the hell else can you can do to convince her to be with you?   She had you in the most intimate and personal way a person could ever have you, and she chose to leave it.  If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you.   And in realizing that,  the only thing you can do is respect her decision, and to genuinely concentrate on your own affairs and make you are taking care of yourself because you are going to need yourself to get through your own life.   If you don't take care of yourself and you hold on to this thought of her maybe coming back, you won't move forward.  You won't look towards what's ahead of you.   You won't be open enough to let in new people and genuinely get to know them and build relationships because you'll be bringing all the baggage you still carry with her, into it.  You won't make the right choices in your career.  Your education.  Your friendships.  Relationships etc.  And in failing to do so, your life will go straight to the toilet and it's going to be your fault and you who has to live with that.  Nobody else.   It is all connected. That's why you do no-contact.

..and it just so happens that in that space you give her, she may figure some things out that might bring her back to you OR she just as likely may not, but if she wants to contact you or be with you again, she'll reach out to you.  She has your number.  She has your email.  And she knows where you live.  You don't need her on social media.  You don't need to do anything.  

I hope this sinks in eventually.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Lee, if the person who dumped you has no reason to contact you other than reacting to a Whats App status... you have no grounds for reconciliation. 

You are overestimating your ability to influence the outcome. 

[lee179108]

thanks guys, this forum is like therapy for me...   i appreciate you all talking to me and listening...   i hate being alone...  im 30 next year and then i worry if im going to be alone for a long time, not find someone and eventually start a family and all of that...   i worry...   hopefully i will look back on this as a blessing in disguise. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

thanks guys, this forum is like therapy for me...   i appreciate you all talking to me and listening...   i hate being alone...  im 30 next year and then i worry if im going to be alone for a long time, not find someone and eventually start a family and all of that...   i worry...   hopefully i will look back on this as a blessing in disguise. 

30 is still young. 

I met my current partner when I was 33 and he was 47, and even then, I wasn't all that worried about winding up alone. (I'm 39 now) You can't let that fear drive you, especially when it comes to hanging on to dead-end relationships. All you'd be do is wasting time when you could be concentrating on healing and then finding the woman who is suited to you as a life partner. 

This woman isn't her. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

12 hours ago, lee179108 said:

thanks guys, this forum is like therapy for me...   i appreciate you all talking to me and listening...   i hate being alone...  im 30 next year and then i worry if im going to be alone for a long time, not find someone and eventually start a family and all of that...   i worry...   hopefully i will look back on this as a blessing in disguise. 

I was terrified of being alone back then as well.  That too is extremely common. Relationships to me back then were a means of escaping the fear of being alone and discovering who I was, and so I never really did.  Because of that, I never really knew who I was or what I wanted or what my own worth was or what I was capable of...so I failed to make the right choices in life for yourself.  And, I didn't really have my own life going on anyway.  A lot of my validation came from the love and acceptance of others.  It led me to choose some terrible people for myself and also to stick around tolerating bad behaviour from people far longer than I should have, which only hurt me more so.  But, I was fortunate to be open-minded and fortunate to experience situations with people that I respected, whom helped me to see my contributions to the quality of my own life and mental-health.   

Never make your entire purpose and existence about "accomplishing people" or "accomplishing relationships" or being loved and accepted.  For one, people have free will.  They have their own baggage and their own lives and you don't have control over what they do or choose.  Most often than not, how they treat you has very little to do with you, and far more to do with them.  They change on a whim.  So to bank your entire self-worth and happiness on people and relationships, being how volatile they can be, is an extremely unwise move.  It was precisely my mental-health went to hell.

The most fundamental idea you have to learn is to not hate being on your own.  You don't try to force the thought.  You simply live your life through the process of figuring out the things in your life the 1 or 2 things that light you up and make you want to get out of bed 5am in the morning to work on them.   And then, you set goals and work at it like there's no tomorrow. Get stressed about it.  Think about it.  Be passionate about it.  Stay disciplined to it.   Because through accomplishing in that direction, you build confidence, pride, happiness and a sense of self-fulfillment  through something you are building with your own two hands.    And suddenly your entire demeanor will change because you're feeling good about yourself and your life.   Your perspective about everything starts to change.  You have things going on for yourself that are outside of being someone's boyfriend or husband.  And now, you are validating yourself and you don't require someone else to do it.   It's a vibe that people will most certainly notice and will gravitate towards...and likely people who you have more in common with, who share in the journey you are going.   But do not make this about trying to win the heart of someone in the future.  You will undermine the entire process.  Genuinely do this for yourself, for the process to take its full effect.  

Healing from breakups and learning how to choose good people and good things for your life, is a matter of getting to know yourself.  Just because you're on your own right now man, doesn't mean it's going to be that way for the rest of your life.  Don't waste time worrying.  Just focus on your goals and work hard at accomplishing them.  Build a life you can be proud of and happy about.  That's all.

- Beach

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Lol, she messaged me today saying  if youre doing statuses in hope that i see you do know you can just message me,  i said what, im not... she said you do but ok,, i then said im not i have friends on here you know, i do the same on instagram.. and then she said haha ok.. 

i then said i know i can send you anything, but i havent because you dont wanna know me... then she said its not that i dont want to know you its just that i want to be single.. i then said didnt think you would be and she said  yes im not with anyone, i dont want a relationship i just go to the gym, go to work and spend time with family..   so if you have the opportunity to move on please dont let me stop you. 

I just said whatever if you think im doing them for you to see youre wrong, i didnt think you would give a crap about me anymore and just forget..

This is exactly the type of stuff she said last year, then 2 months went by of nothing and she missed me... but yeah...   annoying. 

[lee179108]

I also said you know me well enough surely to know if i had something to say to you then i would say it...   she read and didnt reply...but yeah now is the time for no more statuses, no more texting and complete no contact. I can see thats whats best now. 

Edited October 7, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[vla1120]

36 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I also said you know me well enough surely to know if i had something to say to you then i would say it...   she read and didnt reply...but yeah now is the time for no more statuses, no more texting and complete no contact. I can see thats whats best now. 

I know it will be hard, but you're right. It is what is best for YOU. Take this time for yourself. Spend time with friends and/or make a list of things you've been meaning to do/try and check them off the list one by one. You'll feel better spending some time on yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I also said you know me well enough surely to know if i had something to say to you then i would say it...   she read and didnt reply...but yeah now is the time for no more statuses, no more texting and complete no contact. I can see thats whats best now. 

Because she knows you are trying to fish for her attention. She knows you well enough to know exactly what you were doing there. 

Now that she's reaffirmed that your status updates aren't having the desired effect, you need to let go, man. It hurts but she is doing you a favour by not giving you any false hope. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Do you understand now why everyone was telling you to cut it off?  

She knows you so well, that she called you out, which evidently means she has a better understanding of you and the relationship, than you think she does.   If she can do that, it either means two things:  she's arrogant but she's still right, or you've been putting out that kind of vibe your whole relationship.  Her presumptuous attitude shows the little respect she currently has for you which tells me she knows she knows she can have you whenever she wants.  That should piss you off.  Hopefully you'll use this as fuel to remove her from the remaining social media apps and to stop engaging with her everytime she messages you..for your sake.

Stop comparing it to last year.  This is not last year.  This is this year and it is its own situation, regardless of how similar or familiar it may seem. You need to treat it as such.   The real test of whether you can cut her off and get on with your life will come a few months from now when you're well into no-contact.

 

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Do you understand now why everyone was telling you to cut it off?  

She knows you so well, that she called you out, which evidently means she has a better understanding of you and the relationship, than you think she does.   If she can do that, it either means two things:  she's arrogant but she's still right, or you've been putting out that kind of vibe your whole relationship.  Her presumptuous attitude shows the little respect she currently has for you which tells me she knows she knows she can have you whenever she wants.  That should piss you off.  Hopefully you'll use this as fuel to remove her from the remaining social media apps and to stop engaging with her everytime she messages you..for your sake.

Stop comparing it to last year.  This is not last year.  This is this year and it is its own situation, regardless of how similar or familiar it may seem. You need to treat it as such.   The real test of whether you can cut her off and get on with your life will come a few months from now when you're well into no-contact.

 

 

Yeah well I guess it was pretty obvious with the status thing...     ive been speaking to some mental health organisations and even they say that she must somewhat miss me or feel something  due to the fact that she is messaging at times.. if she didnt then she wouldnt need to tell me to move on or even reach out at all.

If she reaches out again in future to prove that she was right, I will just say I stopped the statuses as she complained..  

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah well I guess it was pretty obvious with the status thing...     ive been speaking to some mental health organisations and even they say that she must somewhat miss me or feel something  due to the fact that she is messaging at times.. if she didnt then she wouldnt need to tell me to move on or even reach out at all.

Lee, are you familiar with the concept of a confirmation bias?

Edited October 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[lee179108]

No

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

No

I would read up on what "confirmation bias" means, then, because that's exactly what you're trying to construct. 

 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

ive been speaking to some mental health organisations and even they say that she must somewhat miss me or feel something  due to the fact that she is messaging at times.. if she didnt then she wouldnt need to tell me to move on or even reach out at all.

If she reaches out again in future to prove that she was right, I will just say I stopped the statuses as she complained..  

Lee, I suggest you reread this thread.  I've already addressed this in a couple of other posts.

You're choosing to see and interpret everything she does in the direction that agrees with your hopes, including listening to ONLY those people that tell you what you want to hear.  That is what the confirmation bias is.   You were doing it when you started your prior thread and you're continuing to do it well into this one.   The only thing that'll help you at this point, is for you to spend the next year or two, doing it your way and seeing for yourself what comes out of it.  

I agree with expat in that you should reading in detail, what the Confirmation Bias is.  I also suggest you read up on the Stages of grief and start reading other people's threads on the "Breaking up", "Second Chances" and "Coping" forums here, to give yourself some perspective about your own situation.  

- Beach

Edited October 8, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

I will try,  the thing is I keep thinking that due to her starting councelling and her reaching out to me at times when i did a status, especially yesterday  that it means something as it did last year.  I keep thinking if she genuinely did not feel a thing or was with someone else then she wouldn't need to reach out to me or even tell me to move on.. shed stay quiet.. and these are the exact same things she did and said last year.  Also the fact she still has photos of the both of us on her instagram page...  i keep thinking maybe she genuinely does need time, she's started councelling, she's back at work... and by me doing the statuses it hasn't really given her the chance to miss me and be curious, I was worried if i just stopped shed move on quicker and forget about me. But thats what im going to do now is stop it all...  she will probably know then that i was doing them for her like she already knows.. but if she says something then i will just say i stopped due to her complaining.

I know I need to do this for me but i also want to do it to see if she misses me, if I dont hear a word from her in a long time then I'll eventually know and it will click... of course im not going to wait around but shes never going to know that... after i told her yesterday how i thought she didnt wanna know me and that if i had something to say to her then id say it.. she just read and didn't reply.  She knows i miss her and her family, and she knows that ive told her that id be patient with her and be willing to chat about things and see what happens. In one sense im relieved she told me that she is definitely single and just going to the gym, working and seeing family... I believe her on that.  

I find it hard mainly because im alone, and work from home..  i have nobody and then i worry i wont find someone like her who was confident and that i wont settle down or make plans with.  I guess i also have a confidence issue, ive had no luck on dating apps in the past and i met someone before where after things were going great all of a sudden she stops talking and ends it as she said she was too busy and didnt want to do this anymore, so that messed my confidence...  i mean I work out, im in decent shape... but i dont know. I just hope these next few weeks will be ok for me, and that I will look back on all of this and laugh. 

 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

I find it hard mainly because im alone, and work from home..  i have nobody and then i worry i wont find someone like her who was confident and that i wont settle down or make plans with.

I want to say two things:

1. The saying goes - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. While she could come out of therapy more healthy-minded, she could also revert right back to her previous behavior and drop you like a hot potato if you get involved with her again. Then, there is that second saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Both quotes fit your situation.

2. You need to build your confidence. If you had more confidence, I don't think you'd have allowed her to do this to you multiple times. Do some research on things that make a man more confident. Again, take this time while working from home to get in touch with your inner self (if that makes sense.) Learn and work to be okay with being on your own. If you're not, then you'll accept any attention from any woman just to be with someone and that can backfire on you in a big way. She's one in 7.6 billion people on this earth. Surely there is someone out there for you. You'll have better luck finding them if you know yourself better and have more confidence.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 i worry i wont find someone like her who was confident 

Someone like her also includes all the chaos she's introduced into your life, though. 

You would better off hoping for someone who isn't like her in many ways. 

[Beachead]

Quote

I find it hard mainly because im alone, and work from home..  i have nobody and then i worry i wont find someone like her who was confident and that i wont settle down or make plans with.  I guess i also have a confidence issue, ive had no luck on dating apps in the past and i met someone before where after things were going great all of a sudden she stops talking and ends it as she said she was too busy and didnt want to do this anymore, so that messed my confidence...  i mean I work out, im in decent shape... but i dont know. I just hope these next few weeks will be ok for me, and that I will look back on all of this and laugh. 

That's particularly why I'm not a fan of online dating and the culture of it.  Stories like that are all too common.  I've been through my share of crap as well.

But anyway, your lack of confidence and your need for someone to come in and validate your existence, is your biggest weakness here Lee.  It's a weakness because without anything else to bring you self-fulfillment, confidence, pride, joy etc. ,  you'll be too scared to walk away when you're being treated like crap.  Too scared too stand up for yourself.  You'll stay until you're destroyed.  As you can see, you're not too far off from that blueprint.  If you don't work on this, you'll do the same thing with the next girl or the one after that..so on, so forth. 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

That's particularly why I'm not a fan of online dating and the culture of it.  Stories like that are all too common.  I've been through my share of crap as well.

But anyway, your lack of confidence and your need for someone to come in and validate your existence, is your biggest weakness here Lee.  It's a weakness because without anything else to bring you self-fulfillment, confidence, pride, joy etc. ,  you'll be too scared to walk away when you're being treated like crap.  Too scared too stand up for yourself.  You'll stay until you're destroyed.  As you can see, you're not too far off from that blueprint.  If you don't work on this, you'll do the same thing with the next girl or the one after that..so on, so forth. 

Which makes me feel worse because sometimes with my ex I feel as though if I wasn't so needy or kept busy or made an effort with friends shed still be with me... but then again weve been on lockdown since March here in the UK so things got tough. I will try to work on this.. but also I want someone who will be really into me and make an effort. With my ex when I sensed things going distant it was always me making the effort, Im an honest guy and always like to get stuff that bother me off my chest.... so when I did at first she said no everythings fine, trust me, i love you, youre the one blah blah blah....   just need to get these crap thoughts out my head because i beat myself up sometimes thinking it was my fault. 

Edited October 9, 2020 by lee179108
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[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

.. but also I want someone who will be really into me and make an effort. With my ex when I sensed things going distant it was always me making the effort, Im an honest guy and always like to get stuff that bother me off my chest....

Keep this is mind; this is very important. 

The right relationship for you will be a lot more balanced and you won't sense your partner going distant like this. The right woman for you will be a lot more into you without any nudging from you, and her words and actions will be consistent. 

[lee179108]

If she does message me in time and says something like oh so I was right, you were only doing the whatsapp statuses for me to see... what do I say?  do I just say that I stopped them as she complained? or do I just make her out to be dumb and say that I have been putting them up but she just hasn't seen them...  Maybe she wont even reach out at all, but by me stopping everything thats the only way she will miss me and I guess for me to get better. Thats not to say I still dont think of her every single day. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

10 hours ago, lee179108 said:

but also I want someone who will be really into me and make an effort. With my ex when I sensed things going distant it was always me making the effort, Im an honest guy and always like to get stuff that bother me off my chest.... so when I did at first she said no everythings fine, trust me, i love you, youre the one blah blah blah.... 

This is good, because you're actually acknowledging she wasn't treating you right.  For you to get a hold of your thoughts, you need to remind yourself of more things she did that made you feel like this.  It's called negative reinforcement and it will help you pull her off of the thrown, and see her for who she really is..rather than this queen you feel you've lost.

Based on what you wrote there, she either blatantly lied to you, was in denial or just didn't know enough about herself and how she was feeling to give you a valid answer.  The bad stuff is just as much her, as the good stuff.   You cannot select one and pretend the other doesn't exist.  It just so happens that the bad stuff makes the relationship unsustainable.  See her for who she is.

42 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

If she does message me in time and says something like oh so I was right, you were only doing the whatsapp statuses for me to see... what do I say?  do I just say that I stopped them as she complained? or do I just make her out to be dumb and say that I have been putting them up but she just hasn't seen them...  Maybe she wont even reach out at all, but by me stopping everything thats the only way she will miss me and I guess for me to get better. Thats not to say I still dont think of her every single day. 

You don't understand quite yet, why not responding is the best option which is why you continue to circle back to this, so my advice is do it your way.

Edited October 9, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

If she does message me in time and says something like oh so I was right, you were only doing the whatsapp statuses for me to see... what do I say?  do I just say that I stopped them as she complained? or do I just make her out to be dumb and say that I have been putting them up but she just hasn't seen them... 

You don't need to answer those questions, lee. 

But since I don't think you will be able to resist responding to her, just say that you prefer she doesn't contact you if she doesn't wish to discuss reconciliation. The end. 

 

[Ellener]

On 8/20/2020 at 6:34 PM, lee179108 said:

Yes I love her and will go to the end of the earth to understand mental health and build on us... but i guess ive got to leave her to it and just see what the future holds.. as much as it pains me every single day.  Does depression and anxiety make you think one thing and then go to another???? 

Mental illness is just another label, again often used as an insult and to be controlling with another.

I have anxiety disorder and I manage it with holistic living. I would not seek medication to treat the symptoms, I have in the past when I listened to so-called 'experts' but the only one which works well is benzodiazepines and they are too addictive ( withdrawal is horrible ) and need increasing doses to stay effective; anti-depressants make me manic. 

A super healthy lifestyle is really important, good nutrition, fresh air, exercise, relaxation.

On 8/24/2020 at 5:44 AM, elaine567 said:

Mentally ill people tend to be highly self absorbed, it is all about them. 
Which is hardly surprising as something has gone really bad in their life and they don't know how to handle it.

That's one way of looking at it, but the fact is if someone's life is out of balance or falling apart they will need to prioritise themselves and their recovery and wellbeing.

Anyone negative or who detracts/distracts from that has to be set aside, temporarily or permanently.

On 8/24/2020 at 4:44 PM, lee179108 said:

i overthink that shel just forget about me and not talk ever again. She still has photos of us together on her instagram... i dont have her on that but my friend does...  as i removed her for obvious reasons and explained to her why..

Seems like you need to work on your own anxiety and positivity.

If you want to help from a distance you can say a prayer or write down some positive things to share if you ever meet up, or just as an act of closure. 

Do some happy independent things for yourself @lee179108 When someone goes through a life-changing experience it is just that- life changing. You may not fit into the new life she makes, you need a happy life of your own. 

Edited October 9, 2020 by Ellener
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