How do I deal with an ex who potentially has mental health issues?

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

Mental illness is just another label, again often used as an insult and to be controlling with another.

I have anxiety disorder and I manage it with holistic living. I would not seek medication to treat the symptoms, I have in the past when I listened to so-called 'experts' but the only one which works well is benzodiazepines and they are too addictive ( withdrawal is horrible ) and need increasing doses to stay effective; anti-depressants make me manic. 

A super healthy lifestyle is really important, good nutrition, fresh air, exercise, relaxation.

That's one way of looking at it, but the fact is if someone's life is out of balance or falling apart they will need to prioritise themselves and their recovery and wellbeing.

Anyone negative or who detracts/distracts from that has to be set aside, temporarily or permanently.

Seems like you need to work on your own anxiety and positivity.

If you want to help from a distance you can say a prayer or write down some positive things to share if you ever meet up, or just as an act of closure. 

Do some happy independent things for yourself @lee179108 When someone goes through a life-changing experience it is just that- life changing. You may not fit into the new life she makes, you need a happy life of your own. 

Thats the thing..  she told me back in August a doctor gave her anti-depressants but she wasn't taking them because of the side effects and was doing other things to feel better. The other day she told me that all shes doing now is focusing on going the the gym, work and seeing her family. And the last about this is that she told me her first councelling session was at the end of September, so shes not long started it... if she has that is. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

But whatever her personal circumstances, she has ultimately chosen to break it off and remain away from you.   

You're highly invested in her affairs more for yourself, than her.  This can be seen through what you wrote here:

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I find it hard mainly because im alone, and work from home..  i have nobody and then i worry i wont find someone like her who was confident and that i wont settle down or make plans with.  I guess i also have a confidence issue, ive had no luck on dating apps in the past and i met someone before where after things were going great all of a sudden she stops talking and ends it as she said she was too busy and didnt want to do this anymore, so that messed my confidence...

Heartbreak hurts and getting through it and feeling better takes time, but someone like yourself who feels they have nothing else except for the person they were in a relationship with, will do anything possible, to hold on and maintain that connection, even when there is no more connection.  Their denial will be stronger.  Their self-deception will be greater.  They will be far more stubborn.  And they are liable to go on that way until that person destroys them.

So without anything else outside of her, the question is what if she keeps on messaging you?  When will you draw the line and walk away?  What will be the deciding factor for you?  Do you have limits?  

Edited October 9, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

6 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

But whatever her personal circumstances, she has ultimately chosen to break it off and remain away from you.   

You're highly invested in her affairs more for yourself, than her.  This can be seen through what you wrote here:

Heartbreak hurts and getting through it and feeling better takes time, but someone like yourself who feels they have nothing else except for the person they were in a relationship with, will do anything possible, to hold on and maintain that connection, even when there is no more connection.  Their denial will be stronger.  Their self-deception will be greater.  They will be far more stubborn.  And they are liable to go on that way until that person destroys them.

So without anything else outside of her, the question is what if she keeps on messaging you?  When will you draw the line and walk away?  What will be the deciding factor for you?  Do you have limits?  

If im being totally honest with you, the answer to that is that I don't know...   I guess this is the challenge now, she's only messaged because Ive done statuses,  now that im not doing them then its highly likely she wont message anymore. Thats going to hurt me even more I think...  only reason she will have to message me now is to say that she was right in saying i was putting them up for her to see...  but other than that she has no reason to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

If im being totally honest with you, the answer to that is that I don't know...   I guess this is the challenge now, she's only messaged because Ive done statuses,  now that im not doing them then its highly likely she wont message anymore. Thats going to hurt me even more I think...  only reason she will have to message me now is to say that she was right in saying i was putting them up for her to see...  but other than that she has no reason to. 

This is something you need to face, sooner or later. 

You fishing for comments from her through a status update is your last-ditch attempt to hang on to her. At some point, you are going to have to sit with the painful truth that this is indeed over. It's a slow and difficult process, I know, but in light of all the other more serious problems, how she reacted to something as as a status update is largely irrelevant. You're applying far too much meaning to it, which is human and makes sense when you're not yet ready to close the door. However, you've reached the point where you've essentially run out of those last footholds to rest your hope on. 

Now starts the hard work of coming to terms with the end of this. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

17 hours ago, lee179108 said:

If im being totally honest with you, the answer to that is that I don't know...

That's not good enough Lee.  You have to figure that out for you.  For your life.  Who's going to look out for you if you don't?  Are you going to dump that responsibility onto someone else?  Do you think they'll stick around for long if you do?  Even the strongest, most patient, loving people out there, will not carry a person, if they see that that person is not caring for themselves.  Nobody can do that anyway.  The wounds we have within us, we have to fix ourself.   All anyone can do is provide some support.  Beyond that, it's up to you.  So this is something that you need to start addressing.

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  I guess this is the challenge now, she's only messaged because Ive done statuses,  now that im not doing them then its highly likely she wont message anymore. Thats going to hurt me even more I think...  only reason she will have to message me now is to say that she was right in saying i was putting them up for her to see...  but other than that she has no reason to. 

So what do you intend to do?  Continue to come up with reasons to remain in contact with her, just to hold onto the 1/1000th of the connection you once had?

As Expat said, at some point, you're going to have to face the fact that your relationship is over.   Nobody is asking you to move on.  Right now, that isn't possible..but you do have to move forward.  Move passed.  You have to come to acceptance that your breakup is very real and is happening whether you like it or not and there is nothing you can do about it, except accept it.  In accepting it, can you begin to embrace tomorrow.

Edited October 10, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

Yes I am trying day by day.. like tonight, on whatsapp she changed her profile picture.. and of course she looks stunning, so thats messed my head up... but i didnt comment on it, deleted her number so I dont see the picture anymore...  (I know her number in my head)    but removed it from my phone...  that really messed me up, probly because i havent seen her in so long.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

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 like tonight, on whatsapp she changed her profile picture.. and of course she looks stunning, so thats messed my head up... but i didnt comment on it, deleted her number so I dont see the picture anymore...  (I know her number in my head)    but removed it from my phone...  that really messed me up, probly because i havent seen her in so long.

 

Good.  You needed to feel the impact of your inaction.  It's first-hand experience; one you'll remember, and experience is a better teacher than any advice you could ever get. It's how I learned as well.  For tonight, I strongly suggest you write a journal  just for yourself while your pain is hot.  Write on how you felt after seeing her picture, and what thoughts rose to make you decide to delete her number.  Your future self will thank you for it when you get the urge to check up on her again.  

- Beach

Edited October 11, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

10 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Good.  You needed to feel the impact of your inaction.  It's first-hand experience; one you'll remember, and experience is a better teacher than any advice you could ever get. It's how I learned as well.  For tonight, I strongly suggest you write a journal  just for yourself while your pain is hot.  Write on how you felt after seeing her picture, and what thoughts rose to make you decide to delete her number.  Your future self will thank you for it when you get the urge to check up on her again.  

- Beach

I can tell you right now that when I saw it I felt sad, felt she looks better looking than ever and that I missed her.. it also felt weird as i havent seen her in a long time.The reason I deleted her number was because i dont want to feel like that again.. but my head gets the better of me at times and i re enter her number in my phone!  but Im quite confident now that I wont as ive stopped all the statuses on whatsapp and i have nothing to say to her. I think she thinks that im going to continue to do statuses as well...

[Beachead]

@lee179108

I know because I've gone through exactly what you're describing, which is why I urged you to delete her number and block her on social media from the get go.  All those status updates, the pictures..it sets off your anxiety and in your anxiety, you start imagining all these stories in your head, which make you feel worse.  It may even make you want to reach out to her, which won't go well, and then that experience will add to what you already feel.  And while you feel like crap, you've got to get ready and go to work, or you see your family, or study or that exam coming up and you're just not feeling any of it, because it affects you and your life greatly.  Do not underestimate the amount of damage it can cause.  Reduce it as much as possible by not putting yourself through that. 

But also, I understand that sometimes, we need to burn ourselves to see why it's best we walk away.  Without the experience, we don't see why, no matter how much it's explained to us.  So to feel that pain is an education; an education on life that is.  You may go through this process of re-adding her number, checking her out, and deleting, for awhile..but each time you do it,  I assure you, the pain you feel will make it easier to recall why you deleted her number in the first place.  Eventually, you'll stop because it just won't be worth it.

 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

10 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

I know because I've gone through exactly what you're describing, which is why I urged you to delete her number and block her on social media from the get go.  All those status updates, the pictures..it sets off your anxiety and in your anxiety, you start imagining all these stories in your head, which make you feel worse.  It may even make you want to reach out to her, which won't go well, and then that experience will add to what you already feel.  And while you feel like crap, you've got to get ready and go to work, or you see your family, or study or that exam coming up and you're just not feeling any of it, because it affects you and your life greatly.  Do not underestimate the amount of damage it can cause.  Reduce it as much as possible by not putting yourself through that. 

But also, I understand that sometimes, we need to burn ourselves to see why it's best we walk away.  Without the experience, we don't see why, no matter how much it's explained to us.  So to feel that pain is an education; an education on life that is.  You may go through this process of re-adding her number, checking her out, and deleting, for awhile..but each time you do it,  I assure you, the pain you feel will make it easier to recall why you deleted her number in the first place.  Eventually, you'll stop because it just won't be worth it.

 

Shes done something weird on whatsapp, i think shes hidden her profile photo from me... last night she changed it to a selfie of her.. but now theres no photo.. i originally thought she blocked me but dont think thats the case.. she probly hid the photo as its one of her with a guy or something...  even though she said last week she wants to stay single...   ridiculous!

 

Edited October 11, 2020 by lee179108
edit

[Beachead]

@lee179108

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even though she said last week she wants to stay single...   ridiculous!

He may be someone of interest to her or he may not be.  You'll never know.  Even if you ask, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.   Are you going press her for information and get upset with her for seeing another guy?  You're her ex now and on top of that, she told you to move on.    We understand where you are coming from.  But from her side, you are no longer justified to get upset over things like this nor tell her who she can and can't see.  Your pain is your own problem.  And that's what she'll probably tell you.

Now, you'll have to sit there on your own, suffering over a picture you wouldn't have seen had you not added her number back to your phone.

So again, it's worth repeating, remove her number from your phone and try not to add her back unless you want to continue wounding yourself.

Edited October 11, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

37 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

He may be someone of interest to her or he may not be.  You'll never know.  Even if you ask, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.   Are you going press her for information and get upset with her for seeing another guy?  You're her ex now and on top of that, she told you to move on.    We understand where you are coming from.  But from her side, you are no longer justified to get upset over things like this nor tell her who she can and can't see.  Your pain is your own problem.  And that's what she'll probably tell you.

Now, you'll have to sit there on your own, suffering over a picture you wouldn't have seen had you not added her number back to your phone.

So again, it's worth repeating, remove her number from your phone and try not to add her back unless you want to continue wounding yourself.

I know I cant say anything about it, but that's the only logical reason I can think of.. why would she hide her profile photo from me on whatsapp? Thats cuz she doesn't want me to see something And thats probly because she's with another guy and put it on there.. its just weird why she would say just last Tuesday that she definetly does not want a relationship and is staying single and not seeing anyone. But then this... the thought of her with someone else makes me sick.. hurts so much. But I guess il get the answer tomorrow maybe..  if she is with someone else then at least I know then there's not even a 1 in a million chance of her missing  me. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

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I know I cant say anything about it, but that's the only logical reason I can think of.. why would she hide her profile photo from me on whatsapp? Thats cuz she doesn't want me to see something And thats probly because she's with another guy and put it on there.. its just weird why she would say just last Tuesday that she definetly does not want a relationship and is staying single and not seeing anyone. But then this... the thought of her with someone else makes me sick.. hurts so much. 

Well, firstly, remember, we don't know what that picture means..but whether we do, it doesn't matter.

You were broken up with Lee.  If a person breaks up with you, it implies they're willing to try someone new whether that happens now or later.  It also implies they're willing to let you do the same.  They wouldn't have gotten to that point emotionally unless they were willing to part ways.  At some point, she's going to start dating again.  

I sympathize with you but I cannot enable you to continue the way you're going.  This misery you're feeling over this right now, is your doing.  You chose to keep her number on your phone despite 9 pages of advice from several posters advising you to delete it, so you reaped what you sewed; a nice, anxiety inducing picture for you to think about for the rest of the week.  Your misery is again, the result of your denial about the breakup and your circumstances.  I know you're hurting so you succumb to weakness, but understand it's you that's getting hurt, through said weakness.  Nobody else.  So you've got a choice to make.  Either you step up and start taking responsibility for where your life leads or you can continue down this road.  It's not much of a choice, but it's a choice.

Edited October 12, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

15 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Well, firstly, remember, we don't know what that picture means..but whether we do, it doesn't matter.

You were broken up with Lee.  If a person breaks up with you, it implies they're willing to try someone new whether that happens now or later.  It also implies they're willing to let you do the same.  They wouldn't have gotten to that point emotionally unless they were willing to part ways.  At some point, she's going to start dating again.  

I sympathize with you but I cannot enable you to continue the way you're going.  This misery you're feeling over this right now, is your doing.  You chose to keep her number on your phone despite 9 pages of advice from several posters advising you to delete it, so you reaped what you sewed; a nice, anxiety inducing picture for you to think about for the rest of the week.  Your misery is again, the result of your denial about the breakup and your circumstances.  I know you're hurting so you succumb to weakness, but understand it's you that's getting hurt, through said weakness.  Nobody else.  So you've got a choice to make.  Either you step up and start taking responsibility for where your life leads or you can continue down this road.  It's not much of a choice, but it's a choice.

Well I know now theres no hope, she texted me today to say I think its best we both move on with our lives, i dont dislike you or anything its just i dont think that we are perfectly suited for each other.I will always be there for you and never want there to be hard feelings, youre a great guy and i thank you for all the incredible memories that weve had together. But for this next chapter of my life i want to be single and you desrve someone who is ready to settle down.  

I then said well i will and have never forced you to settle down, all that just comes naturally.. i didnt think you would wipe me out of your life and delete me... she then said well what do you suggest I do...   she then briefly called me to says shes busy at work and she then said she will call me tonight, if she actually does i guess thats just to confirm all of this.. but yeah only contact for me she will have is email or by driving to my house.. and she wont do that... but yeah deleting me stings..   i hope i get over this.. worst feeling ive ever had.

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Nothing new there Lee.  Just her reminding you it's over again.  All this just reinforces the fact that she didn't and doesn't really want the relationship with you, despite messaging you or returning to you.  She fundamentally prefers to leave it behind, in favour of a new life with someone else.  That's why she's  been emotionally flaky and all over the place with you during your time together; her life was not in line with her heart and the discrepency left her feeling confused and unsettled. She finally came to terms with it and is now living her truth. Life has this way of pulling us in the direction we need to go in.

On your end, I would not take her back because I wouldn't trust her feelings anymore.  You gave her the opportunity to be with you, twice.  She didn't want it.  That's fine for her, but you don't have the time or the energy, to have your heart dragged through the mud like that forever.  She can find someone else to experiment with.  You've got a life to live and hopefully, that life can be shared with someone who won't do this to you.

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But for this next chapter of my life i want to be single and you desrve someone who is ready to settle down.  

Just her telling you to move on.

Quote

she then briefly called me to says shes busy at work and she then said she will call me tonight, if she actually does i guess thats just to confirm all of this.. 

There's no reason for a call and nothing more for either of you two say to one another.  

Quote

i hope i get over this.. worst feeling ive ever had.

 You will but it will take time and work, both internally and externally.  Reread the thread for tips to help you cope.

Stay strong man

- Beach

Edited October 12, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

Nothing new there Lee.  Just her reminding you it's over again.  All this just reinforces the fact that she didn't and doesn't really want the relationship with you, despite messaging you or returning to you.  She fundamentally prefers to leave it behind, in favour of a new life with someone else.  That's why she's  been emotionally flaky and all over the place with you during your time together; her life was not in line with her heart and the discrepency left her feeling confused and unsettled. She finally came to terms with it and is now living her truth. Life has this way of pulling us in the direction we need to go in.

On your end, I would not take her back because I wouldn't trust her feelings anymore.  You gave her the opportunity to be with you, twice.  She didn't want it.  That's fine for her, but you don't have the time or the energy, to have your heart dragged through the mud like that forever.  She can find someone else to experiment with.  You've got a life to live and hopefully, that life can be shared with someone who won't do this to you.

Just her telling you to move on.

There's no reason for a call and nothing more for either of you two say to one another.  

 You will but it will take time and work, both internally and externally.  Reread the thread for tips to help you cope.

Stay strong man

- Beach

We spoke on the phone... said she deleted me from her contacts as she thinks we're done and finished. Said shed keep my number in her whatsapp chats.  Said she just wants to focus on herself and stay single doesnt want a relationship. Said she missed me in parts but just wants to be friends. Said she never knows what will happen in future with us.. but just doesn't feel the same anymore and just needs to move on. In the end I just said whatever bye and hung up. As i could sense us both getting angry. So thats that... its done.. she doesnt care anymore... guess im leaving this forum now broken.. thank you all for your words. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m sorry, Lee. I know this hurts. 

However, it’s the same thing she’s been saying for a while now. She simply knows to well enough to know that you were still holding out hope, and felt she needed to be very clear that it really is over. But the truth? It’s  been over for a long time. She checked out before she actually broke up with you. 

I also don’t think it’s fair to say that she’s doesn’t care. What else do you want her to do? Being friends isn’t smart, and being in any sort of contact with her was giving you false hope and had you desperately hanging on and playing mental gymnastics with yourself trying to find any little glimmer that this might work out. It wasn’t working  for you. I don’t know what else you think she should be doing here, in light of all of that. It isn’t up to her to soothe your pain and make this easier. 

Let this be the point at which you finally let go. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@lee179108

Quote

We spoke on the phone... said she deleted me from her contacts as she thinks we're done and finished. Said shed keep my number in her whatsapp chats.  Said she just wants to focus on herself and stay single doesnt want a relationship. Said she missed me in parts but just wants to be friends. Said she never knows what will happen in future with us.. but just doesn't feel the same anymore and just needs to move on. In the end I just said whatever bye and hung up. As i could sense us both getting angry. So thats that... its done.. she doesnt care anymore... 

You'll be fine.  I want to make sure you know that.  It doesn't feel like that now, but you will be.

She's said all this before.  You just weren't ready to hear it.  You're ready now which is a good thing actually because, if you're accepting your circumstances, then you will begin to process it, and then you will begin to heal from it.  So progress is coming for you.  Just give it some time. 

As expat said, she checked out of this relationship long before you were made aware of it.  This was a long time coming.  It's good that it happened because would you have rather lived in your ignorance, thinking you were with someone completely committed to you, while she really wasn't?  That would have been a massive disservice to you and the life you could have made for yourself with someone who was actually willing to give you their all.  You're a young guy with the world ahead of you and although those thing makes you feel like sh*t, the wisdom you'll get out of it, will be extremely valuable to you going forward.

When I was broken up with, I was devastated.  I couldn't eat.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't think about anything else but her and why she couldn't reach out to me.  It went on for some time and through lack of choice, I was forced to press on in my life.  Then something happened.  I started to discover I could smile again without her being the reason.  And so I started experience more of that and eventually I felt good again.  And then I met someone new.  This has happened a few times in my life.

Now you can see that as well Beach has had his heart broken a few times or you can see it as, you will recover and you will want find someone again.  But for now, just grieve.  Heal.  Take your time and don't waste this process by burying your pain.  Feel it and use it to get to know yourself.  Heartbreak is one of those things  allows for us to really connect with ourselves and thus make some significant changes of growth, because of how deep the hurt goes.  I goes right to the core.  There aren't too many situations out there that allow us to access that.  Once you feel good and you get back to living, you won't have that kind of access to yourself.  You'll be complacent and busy again.   But now is the time to do that.

I have mentioned this in the past quite a few times and I've noticed you've never addressed it probably because you see the value it it..but I encourage you to write your feelings out.  Write 2 things you're grateful for in your life.  2 things you look forward in your life.  And start mapping out a plan for where you want to be in your life in about 30 years.  What do you want to accomplish?  How do you get there?  What do you need to do. 

  It will help you focus your thoughts and your feelings into a way you can understand and manage, which will make this process easier.  Please consider it.

- Beach

Edited October 13, 2020 by Beachead

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@lee179108

You'll be fine.  I want to make sure you know that.  It doesn't feel like that now, but you will be.

She's said all this before.  You just weren't ready to hear it.  You're ready now which is a good thing actually because, if you're accepting your circumstances, then you will begin to process it, and then you will begin to heal from it.  So progress is coming for you.  Just give it some time. 

As expat said, she checked out of this relationship long before you were made aware of it.  This was a long time coming.  It's good that it happened because would you have rather lived in your ignorance, thinking you were with someone completely committed to you, while she really wasn't?  That would have been a massive disservice to you and the life you could have made for yourself with someone who was actually willing to give you their all.  You're a young guy with the world ahead of you and although those thing makes you feel like sh*t, the wisdom you'll get out of it, will be extremely valuable to you going forward.

When I was broken up with, I was devastated.  I couldn't eat.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't think about anything else but her and why she couldn't reach out to me.  It went on for some time and through lack of choice, I was forced to press on in my life.  Then something happened.  I started to discover I could smile again without her being the reason.  And so I started experience more of that and eventually I felt good again.  And then I met someone new.  This has happened a few times in my life.

Now you can see that as well Beach has had his heart broken a few times or you can see it as, you will recover and you will want find someone again.  But for now, just grieve.  Heal.  Take your time and don't waste this process by burying your pain.  Feel it and use it to get to know yourself.  Heartbreak is one of those things  allows for us to really connect with ourselves and thus make some significant changes of growth, because of how deep the hurt goes.  I goes right to the core.  There aren't too many situations out there that allow us to access that.  Once you feel good and you get back to living, you won't have that kind of access to yourself.  You'll be complacent and busy again.   But now is the time to do that.

I have mentioned this in the past quite a few times and I've noticed you've never addressed it probably because you see the value it it..but I encourage you to write your feelings out.  Write 2 things you're grateful for in your life.  2 things you look forward in your life.  And start mapping out a plan for where you want to be in your life in about 30 years.  What do you want to accomplish?  How do you get there?  What do you need to do. 

  It will help you focus your thoughts and your feelings into a way you can understand and manage, which will make this process easier.  Please consider it.

- Beach

Thanks i have a lot of anger for her now too but I was the bigger person and didn't call her names or anything. It was the way she was talking to me, in like a cocky, arrogant way... not a care in the world and gave no consideration on how I felt... wasnt even apologetic for a single thing and made me feel like I was nothing.  Hopefully one day karma will work its magic and shel regret it. 

[Ellener]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I’m sorry, Lee. I know this hurts. 

However, it’s the same thing she’s been saying for a while now. She simply knows to well enough to know that you were still holding out hope, and felt she needed to be very clear that it really is over. But the truth? It’s  been over for a long time. She checked out before she actually broke up with you. 

I also don’t think it’s fair to say that she’s doesn’t care. What else do you want her to do? Being friends isn’t smart, and being in any sort of contact with her was giving you false hope and had you desperately hanging on and playing mental gymnastics with yourself trying to find any little glimmer that this might work out. It wasn’t working  for you. I don’t know what else you think she should be doing here, in light of all of that. It isn’t up to her to soothe your pain and make this easier. 

Let this be the point at which you finally let go. 

You have to let go now.

Sending you much love and courage for the future.

19 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Thanks i have a lot of anger for her now too but I was the bigger person and didn't call her names or anything. It was the way she was talking to me, in like a cocky, arrogant way... not a care in the world and gave no consideration on how I felt... wasnt even apologetic for a single thing and made me feel like I was nothing.  Hopefully one day karma will work its magic and shel regret it. 

Let it go, let it be. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Thanks i have a lot of anger for her now too but I was the bigger person and didn't call her names or anything. It was the way she was talking to me, in like a cocky, arrogant way... not a care in the world and gave no consideration on how I felt... wasnt even apologetic 

What sort of things was she saying to you during this conversation?
 

[lee179108]

55 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What sort of things was she saying to you during this conversation?
 

First asked what I been doing.. then said she deleted me out her contacts as she thought there's no point having me there as were done and finished. Said shel keep me in her whatsapp archived chats. Then said it in like a cheerful way with no consideration towards anything..  not even apologetic to how I felt or the money I wasted when I booked things. Said that oh if she saw me in the street she'd say hello but that's it. Doesnt wanna relationship and wants to just move on.. like im.nothing anymore.. and then just took deep breaths and was like yeah I just need to move on now and other crap. Said she missed me in parts but nothing more..   that she had a councelling assessment but they decided she did not need it as shes back in work now and feeling better. She said she doesn't know what the future holds and that i should move on. So I said whatever bye and hung up. 

 

End of the day shes got my email, weather she will keep my number or not I dont know.. but if she wants to contact me im.sure she could find a way. But she wont now, and if she does im not sure if.my anger will still be there. But yeah, this is the crap she did last year. 

[Beachead]

@lee179108

3 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Thanks i have a lot of anger for her now too but I was the bigger person and didn't call her names or anything. It was the way she was talking to me, in like a cocky, arrogant way... not a care in the world and gave no consideration on how I felt... wasnt even apologetic for a single thing and made me feel like I was nothing.  Hopefully one day karma will work its magic and shel regret it. 

That's fine.  Anger is part of the process.  Be angry.

At first we can't believe what happened.  We're in shock.  After a short while, we may slip into denial about what happened or we may feel numb.  We think, well maybe we behave a certain way, we can bring them back.  At this point, we still think we can affect the outcome singlehandedly..and sometimes, they do come back, but not because of what we did, but because they wanted to, and sometimes those reasons are not quite genuine.  Sometimes they are.   But also, they may come back at which point, that denial we've hid in, cannot sustain the clarity that time provides us about our situation, and we start to embrace the reality.

The anger usually follows because you're beginning to see things for the way they are, rather than what you wanted them to be. We get angry because it's the easiest of emotions to recruit in the beginning, to help us accept our reality.  Later on, you'll find that anger will slowly give way to acceptance, as time and the life you live uncover the big picture that was your relationship.  

It's quite difficult for me to access the kind of pain I was in my relationships because of time and the amount of life and experience I've accumulated since then.  New memories, new experiences, new people, new accomplishments have slowly taken over what I shared with her.  I remember that it was unbearable, but I simply have trouble accessing that emotional place anymore.  This is what will happen to you...gradually.

But for now, let yourself feel things.  Don't take it out on her.  Don't beg, don't cry.  Suffer without her knowing.  Talk to family or friends or us.  Take care of yourself.  Write.  She doesn't need to know how tough it'll be for you.  She doesn't need to know anything now.

Also, she can't look after your feelings, when she's trying to figure out her own.  It's your job and your responsibility to look after yourself now.  

- Beach

Edited October 13, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

First asked what I been doing.. then said she deleted me out her contacts as she thought there's no point having me there as were done and finished. Said shel keep me in her whatsapp archived chats. Then said it in like a cheerful way with no consideration towards anything..  not even apologetic to how I felt or the money I wasted when I booked things. Said that oh if she saw me in the street she'd say hello but that's it. Doesnt wanna relationship and wants to just move on.. like im.nothing anymore.. and then just took deep breaths and was like yeah I just need to move on now and other crap.

Perhaps it's time you felt that anger, and use it propel you forward without her. 

She is done, and you have to stop tricking yourself into thinking she's not. I don't think she has any malicious intention toward you, but your pain isn't letting you see that right now. You've been bargaining with yourself and searching around for that last straw to grasp, and now that it's gone, it hurts like hell. I feel for you; most of us have been in your shoes at some point or another. 

I think that one day, when you're really healed and she's a chapter in your past, you will see that this relationship was not built to last and you dodged a bullet. If anything, there are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned here that will serve you well in the future in avoiding dead-ends. 

[lee179108]

20 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Perhaps it's time you felt that anger, and use it propel you forward without her. 

She is done, and you have to stop tricking yourself into thinking she's not. I don't think she has any malicious intention toward you, but your pain isn't letting you see that right now. You've been bargaining with yourself and searching around for that last straw to grasp, and now that it's gone, it hurts like hell. I feel for you; most of us have been in your shoes at some point or another. 

I think that one day, when you're really healed and she's a chapter in your past, you will see that this relationship was not built to last and you dodged a bullet. If anything, there are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned here that will serve you well in the future in avoiding dead-ends. 

Yeah I know its done, shes deleted me.. just angry at how she acted towards me and how she spoke to me. Never thought she'd be like that. Crazy how the woman i thought would be my future turned out to be a horrible person with no feeling for me in the end.  Crazy...   wel see what happens in future with her... I will let you all know.