Unfounded Jealousy

[Keebo13]

Hi all -- 

I've been in a long distance thing for months now. Haven't been able to see eachother much lately because of the Covid situation. We're in our late 30's. Both in love. She has a kid from a previous marriage who's really difficult, but I think the kid's great and we've been managing. 

Here's the thing -- I have serious insecurity issues -- My first girlfriend cheated on me a lot. She would tell me she was getting text messages from her girlfriends, and I'd come to find out they were from guys that she was hooking up with. Then she'd gaslight me and make me think I was crazy and making the whole thing up. Well, fast forward 16 years later and I guess i'm left with those insecure issues. 

My girlfriend now is unbelievable -- but here's the thing. We'll be on ichat watching a movie together and she'll get a text message -- she tells me it's her girlfriend. But I just can't stop myself from thinking it's a guy and that she's going behind my back. I can't shake the feeling she's going to leave me. Early on she caught on about my jealousy and  insecurity and it almost ended us, but we've worked past it. Now i'm terrified my jealousy issues are going to cost me the love of my life. How do I shake these feelings? If I suspect something do I just sweep it under the rug? 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Any and all suggestions welcome. 

K

 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Keebo13 said:

 -- My first girlfriend cheated on me

   16 years later and I guess i'm left with those insecure issues. 

Sorry to hear that. You seem to have insight into the problem. Only you can change this. A doctor could help you with some of this. Otherwise you'll sabotage your chances of happiness.

[schlumpy]

I don't know if you can entirely get rid of your fear of your SO cheating on you and in my opinion you don't want to get rid of it totally.

I can see how you are triggered by her getting a message and then her saying, "It's my girlfriend" after being lied to over and over in a previous relationship. I think you can correct this without becoming deaf, dumb and blind.

There are feedback therapies that may help you. Someone mentioned CBT therapy which I know little about. There is hypno-therapy but it's success depends your susceptibility to being hypnotized. There are other's that might help.

Do you two share passwords to all devices? That's a certain level of trust you can take some solace in.

Look up the signs of a cheating SO. You already have some practical experience with the situation so educate yourself so you are not blindsided again. 

Just don't make more out of some minor discrepancy than it deserves.

You never want to confront a cheater unless you have overwhelming evidence.

[Mystery4u]

12 hours ago, Keebo13 said:

Hi all -- 

I've been in a long distance thing for months now. Haven't been able to see eachother much lately because of the Covid situation. We're in our late 30's. Both in love. She has a kid from a previous marriage who's really difficult, but I think the kid's great and we've been managing. 

Here's the thing -- I have serious insecurity issues -- My first girlfriend cheated on me a lot. She would tell me she was getting text messages from her girlfriends, and I'd come to find out they were from guys that she was hooking up with. Then she'd gaslight me and make me think I was crazy and making the whole thing up. Well, fast forward 16 years later and I guess i'm left with those insecure issues. 

My girlfriend now is unbelievable -- but here's the thing. We'll be on ichat watching a movie together and she'll get a text message -- she tells me it's her girlfriend. But I just can't stop myself from thinking it's a guy and that she's going behind my back. I can't shake the feeling she's going to leave me. Early on she caught on about my jealousy and  insecurity and it almost ended us, but we've worked past it. Now i'm terrified my jealousy issues are going to cost me the love of my life. How do I shake these feelings? If I suspect something do I just sweep it under the rug? 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Any and all suggestions welcome. 

K

 

It's all in your mind, you are the only one that can help yourself.

A quick story - my first love years ago was a LDR and I guess for my own insecure reasons I was always 'expecting' her to cheat on me. So I would always ask who she was going out with. For her to call me as soon as she got home. Ask her 20 questions about it. I was subconsciously trying to keep tabs on her. Guess what? In the end I found out she was indeed cheating on me for a long time. All my thoughts, all my questions, all my inquisitions, all my accusations did not stop her from doing it.

That's when I realised I had 2 choices; trust and believe she would never cheat, or not trust and expect her to cheat. Whichever of those 2 choices I had taken, the result would have been the same, she was going to cheat. She was in control of her own actions, not me. Off course with her I had chosen the latter option.

That's why in my next relationship, and the ones after, including my current one, I choose the first option ALWAYS. I trust and believe she will not cheat. Why? Because if she wants to cheat she will do it regardless of what I do. And that will be her loss because I know how great I am.

I can tell you when you trust someone, and they trust you, the relationship is WAY better than when you don't trust each other. So much more fulfilling and loving. And as mentioned, it won't change the result of whether she will cheat or not.

You already know you might lose the love of your life because of your thoughts. Now is the time to realise, just like I did, that if she is going to do something, she will do it regardless.

I guess my point is why ruin a relationship over something that is out of your control, and most likely will never actually happen? Don't.

Edited August 21, 2020 by Mystery4u

[ShyViolet]

Your insecurity and jealousy has almost ruined this relationship already.  This is a problem with you, and YOU are going to have to work on it.   Do not feed into your jealousy by asking her for her passwords or trying to check her phone.  You have no right to do that.  Maybe you should go to therapy to work on this.

[Gaeta]

I was cheated on for 4 years, the entire relationship. I have learn there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. If it is to happen it will and when it happens you deal with it. 

I am in a relationship now and I trust him 100%. Maybe he cheats...if he does then it will come out eventually and I'll deal with it THEN. Our relationship will be over certainly and I'll hurt for a while, I'll get over it, and I'll move on. It's life. 

You cannot experience great love without trust. Right now you are hurting over something that may never happen. Be busy loving her instead.