Cancelling plans because something else comes up - pet peeve

[QuietRiot]

Lately, I think it's because of my age, I have a hard time tolerating flaky behavior. I met this woman at a Meetup some time ago (pre-Covid) and we hit it off at a hiking event.  

Anyways, I got her number and we were chatting on the phone, and she asked me to join her for coffee at Starbucks. We had plans locked in at a place, day and time for the next day. That evening she sent me a text saying, "Sorry, but something came up and I cannot make it"

Was rather disappointing, I responded with, "Oh okay, sorry to hear that...I guess something came up?" (Of course she already SAID that, but it was my way to imply the question, what was it that actually DID come up...my way of asking for a more specific reason".

She said she had a female friend come in from out of town at the last moment. Apparently, she had this friend come into the area from out of state, but...didn't know when exactly this person would be near her until it was finally revealed that night. So that was that.

Anyways, the following morning, I get a call from her saying, "Oh, my friend isn't able to make it...so we can now meet up"

I was thinking "Nope...I don't play that game...has happened too many times to me in the past" I kind of used to be a people pleaser, but this has always been a pet peeve of mine with even friends that would do this...the whole, "Only will hang out or go out with you when it's convenient to THEM, does not fly with me".

You know what I say to her, "Oh, um...something came up...sorry" and she was like taken aback by her tone, "Um...uhh...okay?" I was like "Yeah, sorry, I made plans"...awkward silence...and then I said, "it was nice talking to you" and ended the call.

Later on, I found out through the Meetup network that she has a tendency to be very flaky when it comes to RSVP'ing for events and cancelling in the last moment. So this is common behavior with her (and quite possibly with many others I've known in this Internet era).

That said, have you drew a line in the sand with these kinds of people that  hang out with you when it's only convenient for them?

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

That said, have you drew a line in the sand with these kinds of people that  hang out with you when it's only convenient for them?

For somebody I don't know like her, it wouldn't even make my radar.  I also probably would have met her for coffee because in her shoes I would have moved a coffee date with e new person for time with an old friend I never see but more probably I would have just changed the coffee time & then rushed through it to spend more time with the established relationship. 

When people can't commit to times or routinely flake at the last minute I stop making one on one plans with them.  Instead, I talk to them on the phone or make group plans with them or some other plan where I don't care whether they come.  My one friend like this & I both belong to the same beach club.  I will let her know that I'm going to be at the beach on such & such a day & time.  If she shows up, great.  If she doesn't, oh well, but my happiness & enjoyment of the activity is not dependent on her non-existent reliability,   When I stop caring about their participation my stress levels plummet.  

[QuietRiot]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

For somebody I don't know like her, it wouldn't even make my radar.  I also probably would have met her for coffee because in her shoes I would have moved a coffee date with e new person for time with an old friend I never see but more probably I would have just changed the coffee time & then rushed through it to spend more time with the established relationship. 

When people can't commit to times or routinely flake at the last minute I stop making one on one plans with them.  Instead, I talk to them on the phone or make group plans with them or some other plan where I don't care whether they come.  My one friend like this & I both belong to the same beach club.  I will let her know that I'm going to be at the beach on such & such a day & time.  If she shows up, great.  If she doesn't, oh well, but my happiness & enjoyment of the activity is not dependent on her non-existent reliability,   When I stop caring about their participation my stress levels plummet.  

Yeah, I could have done it...maybe I've jumped the gun..but, it was kind of a trigger for me lately. I may be a bit more lenient next time.

[Lotsgoingon]

You were right to call her on the vagueness of "something came up." Right there, that's a red flag. Big red flag. Anyone with some social grace or who really wants to meet with you would immediate give a reason--and would get pretty specific on the reason. And you'd feel respected and appreciated. 

Oh ... and meeting with an old friend ... even that is iffy ... you would want an excuse like "My best friend my junior high came into town ... and she has only two hours in the morning. And her mom died, so I want to meet with her." 

The fact that she didn't and you seemingly had to pry the reason out of her--definitely good catch on your part.

And dang, I might have been suckered into accepting the next morning invite, but your move was exactly right. Great boundaries. Well done! Early on you want to really notice stuff like this--you really do and act on it. People show who are they are. It just takes a certain kind of seeing to notice it and to react promptly. 

Nice move!!!!!

[spiritedaway2003]

Fortunately, this doesn’t come up often. I have a small trusted group of friends, and flakey people are not likely to be in that circle.

I trust my friends (or new people) to make every effort to be where they say they would, and I do the same. My time is valuable, as are theirs and I treat it that way. If we took the time to make plans, I’ll try to stick to it.  

That doesn’t mean that there isn’t any room for flexibility.  If something legitimate comes up that is ok.  If it’s just “out of convenience”, I don’t look as it as favorably. I’d think that the other person doesn’t value my time or company and I would prioritize that friendship or relationship accordingly.

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

That said, have you drew a line in the sand with these kinds of people that  hang out with you when it's only convenient for them?

Personally, I have zero tolerance for flakiness. So I avoid doing stuff with flaky people, and I definitely wouldn't want to date one.

But, if I were you, I wouldn't have asked her to specify why she couldn't come. The details really are none of my business, especially if this person is not close to me. I've been in situations where I can't accept an invitation to do something and can't explain why to the person because the reason is private/sensitive and I just don't know the person well enough. So I avoid putting other people on the spot when their reasons for acting are not clear.

I would not have taken the passive aggressive route either. When she asked to reschedule, I would have declined and said I'd scheduled something else. But I wouldn't have thrown her words back at her by saying "something came up." That's way too much negative emotion to be carrying around because someone you barely know did something mildly annoying. Mind you she actually had the decency to cancel ahead of time. Many flaky people just don't show up.

So, overall, I'd say you did a good job of recognizing her actions as flakiness. It was perfectly reasonable to decide not to see her again. But you didn't have to respond as if you were heavily invested and she'd wounded you deeply.

[QuietRiot]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You were right to call her on the vagueness of "something came up." Right there, that's a red flag. Big red flag. Anyone with some social grace or who really wants to meet with you would immediate give a reason--and would get pretty specific on the reason. And you'd feel respected and appreciated. 

Oh ... and meeting with an old friend ... even that is iffy ... you would want an excuse like "My best friend my junior high came into town ... and she has only two hours in the morning. And her mom died, so I want to meet with her." 

The fact that she didn't and you seemingly had to pry the reason out of her--definitely good catch on your part.

And dang, I might have been suckered into accepting the next morning invite, but your move was exactly right. Great boundaries. Well done! Early on you want to really notice stuff like this--you really do and act on it. People show who are they are. It just takes a certain kind of seeing to notice it and to react promptly. 

Nice move!!!!!

Yeah, there are also those types that they'll make plans, until something better comes up then they'll cxl with you. But yeah, overall INDEED a red flag.

Edited August 22, 2020 by QuietRiot

[Lotsgoingon]

14 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

But, if I were you, I wouldn't have asked her to specify why she couldn't come. The details really are none of my business, especially if this person is not close to me. I've been in situations where I can't accept an invitation to do something and can't explain why to the person because the reason is private/sensitive and I just don't know the person well enough. So I avoid putting other people on the spot when their reasons for acting are not clear.

 

I half-way agree. Actually when she didn't offer a good reason, we do not want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. No way. Someone calls to basically casually cancel on you at last minute. The burden is on the canceler to make the situation right, not on the person being canceled on.

We live in a world today where almost anything can be talked about. I mean, let's say this woman's father was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning from over drinking. She doesn't reveal all of that. But she does need to at least say, "I have a family emergency, something really scary that came up." 

Ideally, the person also adds something like "I'm really disappointed that I have to cancel, but I really want to get together with you. I'll know by x day, when I can set something up. I was looking forward to getting together with you."

If someone cancels and doesn't give you anything to latch on to that indicates you are not being dismissed, that the person really does want to see us, that's a major red flag. 

 

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You were right to call her on the vagueness of "something came up." Right there, that's a red flag. Big red flag.

I agree 100%.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt... and they get 1 pass.  So... with this girl... I would have probably said ok... but I would have grilled her during coffee about the specifics of the "Why".   Needless to say, my interest level would have dropped... and she would have really had to "Wow" me to keep my attention.  If she did it a second time... That would have been it. 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh...blah...just no. Good decision, QR!

[elaine567]

Ok fair enough with the "boundaries" but if you actually wanted to date this woman you probably ruined it.
She didn't really flake she told you something came up and then when she found she could reschedule, you  burned her to the ground... Well done...
OK to be "right", but you ended up looking petty and unfriendly.
Fine if you are knee deep in women, but you seem to be cataloguing here one major peeve after another about these "terrible" women...

[QuietRiot]

On 8/22/2020 at 6:13 PM, Blind-Sided said:

I agree 100%.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt... and they get 1 pass.  So... with this girl... I would have probably said ok... but I would have grilled her during coffee about the specifics of the "Why".   Needless to say, my interest level would have dropped... and she would have really had to "Wow" me to keep my attention.  If she did it a second time... That would have been it. 

 

Yeah, I was kind of in a mood that day and considering the amount of flakes that have followed the same pattern...I went with my gut.

[Watercolors]

QuietRiot good on you for setting strict boundaries by not agreeing to still meet up with her last minute when she called you. 

Flakiness is a huge trigger and pet peeve of mine. Worse when it comes from someone you are trying to go on a date with. 

A guy who told me he liked me, flaked on me the day of our coffee date. He just didn't show up. No text, or phone call from him to apologize before or after for his ghosting behavior. And, this is a man in his late 40s, with 2 college age children! He had the nerve to call me a bitch, after I called him out for ghosting me. When I asked him why he ghosted me, he gave me 4 excuses (not reasons, fyi, excuses). Then I responded, "And you couldn't have just called me to tell me these 4 excuses so I didn't waste time driving 20 minutes to go meet you for coffee that YOU agreed to?" He asked if he could make it up to me and I said "Nope. Not interested." I don't have time for that selfish behavior from people. It's just selfish. 

I don't give people the benefit of the doubt because it boils down to being considerate and respecting the other person's feelings. I'm sorry but if you're an adult and you can't tell someone the reason you need to cancel, and then offer to reschedule, you are a twat. It's just that simple.