LaylaLynne Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 Is it possible to be distant friends with your ex affair partner? By “distant friends” I mean, keeping in touch just by sending one another a funny GIF, whether political or funny or just something you may see that makes you think of the other? Recently, I moved across the country (20+ hours away) to start a new life. Yet, I can’t stop thinking of him, and how he is doing. I think what has made this so hard is how it ended. We have not seen each other (almost a year) and have not been intimate in 15 months, yet we tried several times after we stopped working together (while we still lived in the same town) but I chickened out each time and just couldn’t do it anymore. Then, we talked about meeting up quickly in a parking lot, in the day to just say goodbye very quickly, and we both seemed to want that, yet we fought it, and finally, it was time for me to go. While I will always love him and miss him dearly, I am happy being able to just be “distant friends”. It isn’t as if anything can happen between us now that I am far away, so, I ask myself, what’s the harm in it? Yet, part of me feels like it’s best we do not communicate at all. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Part of me feels it is because we had no closure, we never got to say goodbye. The last time we looked at each other, we had no idea that, at that moment, would be the last time we would ever lock eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 IMO, it would be best to go no contact and instead work on moving on. You should seek a real relationship in your new location rather than cling to something that's gone. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 Please drop the idea. It is not fair to his significant other (if he has one). And it is not fair to yours (if you have one). In addition, it prevents either of you from truly moving on. You haven't found "closure" for two possible reasons. One is that you might not be doing the hard work to identify the insecurities and fears and other issues that pushed you into an affair in the first place and to fix them. The other is that it takes time to truly move on and to completely disengage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 Many people would view continuing contact as maintaining the affair. Won't continuing to pine for him, etc prevent you from fully engaging if/when you move on to a healthier, less dysfunctional relationship with someone you can actually have (if that's in the cards)? IMO closure ultimately comes from within and takes time and "processing" as you fully accept the end of a relationship. Maintaining LD contact sounds more to me like keeping each other back burnered indefinitely JIC there's some opportunity to re-connect. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, LaylaLynne said: While I will always love him and miss him dearly, I am happy being able to just be “distant friends.” Consider the situation from his wife’s perspective, what do you think her answer would be? What’s more, how would you feel if your husband maintained a friendship with a woman he had sex with during your marriage? A woman, he would always love and missed dearly? I sincerely doubt that you would be ok with this, as not many people would be fine with it. Edited August 21, 2020 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
C52 Posted August 21, 2020 Share Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, LaylaLynne said: By “distant friends” I mean, keeping in touch just by sending one another a funny GIF, whether political or funny or just something you may see that makes you think of the other? "Distant Friends" become "close friends" by sending harmless funny GIFs to each other. GIFs lead to innocuous comments, which lead to personal comments, which lead to reminiscences, which lead to .... Well, you've been there. Wanna try it it again? Then start by sending/responding to the first few 'harmless' GIFS. But if you do, the chances are that you find yourself in something you're going to regret. Edited August 21, 2020 by C52 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 The kind of 'closure' you're talking about doesn't exist. That's just an excuse that people tell themselves so they can see the person again. The same goes for suggestion of casual-friendship-interactions. Think of it like an addiction, you're desperate for a 'hit' of the oxytocin that comes from your interactions with him, so you're trying to find excuses to get more. But those interactions will only feed your dependence on them and drag out your attachment to this guy. The only way to get over it is time and distance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 1, 2020 Author Share Posted September 1, 2020 Thank you to everyone who gave their opinion. I agree with everyone. In my heart, I knew this all along yet I tried to find ways to justify stating “friends”. My gut, my intuition, common sense, everything told me the same things you all have said. I have decided to maintain NC. It has been 40 days since we last texted each other. And it is getting easier. I even went back home for a few days to visit and I did not contact him to let him know. There are days I find myself saying (to myself) how I hate him. Other days, I have an overwhelming sense of sadness. Then other days I’m indifferent. Bottom line is I still think of him but I don’t let my mind “camp out” with thoughts of our times together, he’s just on my mind and I can’t help but wonder how he is doing and at the very least, find myself hoping he still thinks of me too at times. When will I stop thinking of him? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 I’m sure he thinks of you too, if that makes you feel better, but keep up the good work you’re doing in NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 2, 2020 Author Share Posted September 2, 2020 Thanks for your words of encouragement. I just got woken from a deep sleep due to a very intense dream about him; nothing sexual, wasn’t like that. It was basically us being angry at each other. I was reading a mean letter from him. I was so hurt (in the dream) and frantically searching for ways to get a letter back to him and go off, but by the end of my dream, I wanted to say sorry for anything I done to hurt him. It was so real and I know it sounds stupid but I woke up thanking God it was only a dream. For the longest time I dreamt intense dreams about him/us then thankfully they stopped......similar to this one. Why??? They are all so real it’s as if I just seen him and it sucks and here I am thinking of breaking NC to text him and tell him sorry for everything. DUMB! I just cannot get past how very real the dream felt. 😞 It was like seeing him again and digging up all those old emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 Stay strong. The feelings stirred up by the dream will fade. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 Don't contact him, it will undo whatever emotional progress you've made and make you have to start back at square one. It will take a lot of time and distance for it to fade, but any contact you have with him is going to drag it out and make the pain last longer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 (edited) On 8/31/2020 at 9:55 PM, LaylaLynne said: When will I stop thinking of him? Sooner if you stop putting energy into it. Having him pop up, unwanted, in your thoughts is 100% unavoidable. Letting your mind wander and dwell on those thoughts is 100% up to you. If you give yourself permission to do that, you will have thoughts of him come up more often. If you don't he will fade from your memory. Edited September 2, 2020 by Confused48 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EPC82 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 You have nothing to be sorry about. Remember that. Its him who should be sorry. I found myself apologizing often to my MM as well. I look back now and feel as though those apologies were me giving my power away to him. It was a sign of my obvious weakness. I am a beautiful woman, letting him have his way with me, not expecting much from him at all...what the hell did I have to be sorry about? The same goes for you. Be strong. I'm right here with you. Day 19 and holding. We can do this!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 14, 2020 Author Share Posted September 14, 2020 Thank you everyone! ❤️ I appreciate you all. It’s funny how most days I go along just fine, and then, out of nowhere I find myself struggling. The struggling could last anywhere from minutes, or hours or days. I didn’t contact him. EPC82, you are right! Reading your post on here got me “fired up” in that, you are so right! I don’t owe him a damn thing! He can kiss my ass! I find that when I’m upset, it makes it easier. I often times, have to remind myself though that he is not perfect. Those rose colored glasses like to reappear too often, messing with my mind and I have to constantly remove them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EPC82 Posted September 15, 2020 Share Posted September 15, 2020 LaylaLynne, I'm so glad that you didn't contact him! I have found anger to be a huge help too. I'm not inclined toward anger normally, but its better than being sad. I'm one month NC and I feel reallly good. Everything is so much clearer. All the ways in which I allowed him to wrong me. I take full responsibility for what happened to me and that allows me to remove him from the equation. I'm just working on being a stronger. We're woman, we're magical and resilient. We'll come out on top. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 Hi EPC82 ~ Welp, I hate to admit it but I was a dumb ass and broke NC late last night. I just sent a friendly text saying I seen something that reminded me of him so was just saying hello and that I hope he is staying safe and is doing well. That’s was it. I don’t know why I did that. I was thinking of him so much throughout the evening, had a bit of wine and made a stupid choice. I have not heard back and I’m assuming he blocked me finally, which I understand and maybe it’s what I need - is to know he blocked me. I have tried so hard to let this man go completely. I have finally moved past the part of wanting/hoping to see him again after we tried and tried so many times, but damn it, he owns a small corner of my heart and I try staying angry as it helps me, obviously though, it doesn’t last. I live millions of miles away, we have not seen each other in almost a year, have not been intimate in over a year, yet, here I am, unable to fully disconnect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 18, 2020 Author Share Posted September 18, 2020 So he texted me back (so he didn’t block me) ....obviously and just said “hey! How are you?!” Guess I’m a bit surprised. I still struggle with the thought “what’s the harm in staying in touch....we live a million miles away” yet I know it’s wrong for us to be texting, then I ask myself, it’s just innocent texts...nothing sexual, nothing inappropriate, so really, is it that wrong to stay in touch living across the country from each other??! Then there is the angle on my right shoulder saying.....it just isn’t right. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted September 18, 2020 Share Posted September 18, 2020 You are addicted to a fantasy. Seek therapy. Stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 19, 2020 Author Share Posted September 19, 2020 5 hours ago, notbroken said: You are addicted to a fantasy. Seek therapy. Stop. I do not feel as if I am addicted to some fantasy. I am 12 years older than him and cannot give him what he needs in life (babies, a family, a future (due to being infertile) and obviously he and I both knew this up front. It was supposed to be just some fun. Unfortunately we ended up having way too much in common, insane attraction, chemistry and amazing sex. However, neither he nor I was addicted nor caught up in a fantasy of being together or running away together or leaving our SO. Ever. It was never like that with us. Different time/place type of thing? Sure. But we were more of a FWB type of thing. We chatted this evening for about an hour. Nothing inappropriate, nothing anyone could have read and thought anything between us had ever happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 1 hour ago, LaylaLynne said: I do not feel as if I am addicted to some fantasy. I am 12 years older than him and cannot give him what he needs in life (babies, a family, a future (due to being infertile) and obviously he and I both knew this up front. It was supposed to be just some fun. Unfortunately we ended up having way too much in common, insane attraction, chemistry and amazing sex. However, neither he nor I was addicted nor caught up in a fantasy of being together or running away together or leaving our SO. Ever. It was never like that with us. Different time/place type of thing? Sure. But we were more of a FWB type of thing. We chatted this evening for about an hour. Nothing inappropriate, nothing anyone could have read and thought anything between us had ever happened. You are playing with fire. Limerance can make us do stupid things. Does your husband/S.O. know about the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaylaLynne Posted September 19, 2020 Author Share Posted September 19, 2020 Yes. I came clean and told my SO everything about 7 months ago. My SO travels A LOT and is rarely home right now. His SO knows nothing. I’ve been with mine for 15 years and he has been with his for 2 years (he and I met not long after he and his SO met). I agree. If I’m honest, I know what I’m doing is wrong. I truly believe texting him, even with it being innocent, is wrong for the fact my SO and his SO would not approve and would be hurt. And vise versa, if it was my SO, I’d be crushed. Yet I feel like it’s okay for us to keep in touch since it’s not often we will text and for the fact we live 20 hours apart. He did ask me tonight if I’m staying out here permanently, which I thought was odd as he has asked me before, long ago. Can I ask an honest question? I’d love to get an honest answer. If we could, for a moment, take away the part of our staying in touch being wrong due to our SO. With that said, do you believe or is it possible he and I can stay in touch without having any sexual desires, or reminiscing of times together or without longing for one another or without our minds going adrift ever?? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, LaylaLynne said: If we could, for a moment, take away the part of our staying in touch being wrong due to our SO. With that said, do you believe or is it possible he and I can stay in touch without having any sexual desires, or reminiscing of times together or without longing for one another or without our minds going adrift ever?? In other words, you are asking if two people who have not been able to respect a healthy and appropriate boundary will suddenly develop the ability to respect an appropriate boundary with each other? Respectfully, you can’t take away the part about you SO. It’s not only you, that’s exactly your problem here. If it was only you and only him, do whatever you want. But, there are other people to consider here. It’s not only about what you want. Edited September 19, 2020 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 Yes, your minds will always be drifting to your desires. Deep in your heart, you will always long for what cannot be. Trust me, I've been where you are. You cannot be pals with this man. But fundamentally, you KNOW this is wrong. And you have an unhealthy dependency on this man. But you seem determined to keep it going. I don't think anything we say will make a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
EPC82 Posted September 19, 2020 Share Posted September 19, 2020 Laylalynne, I broke NC too. He messaged me on a social media site the other day. I messaged back. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
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