Ranting about my break up

[crazyguy123]

So for 8 months, her and I had a great relationship I was laid off due to COVID.

We would spend great time together. We would see each other once or twice a week depending. We were trying to keep things slow.

She did a lot for me. She cooked for my mothers birthday, planned trips with my friends, and etc. I became vulnerable when she started doing things like that because I never met anyone like that. Never even heard of anybody who would ever do that.

So a few weeks before the break up, I started to feel her distance and I mirrored it. i didn't want her to feel overwhelmed if I asked her. I always let her do her own thing. Her lack of communication, quality time with me (Always being on her phone around me), leaving my house really early before work made me feel a little uneasy. I did bring it up a few times but she always said her friends needed her.

One day, texted me wanting to "talk". I freaked out but tried to stay cool. I was thinking she wanted to break up with me. She saw me later that night saying that she loves me and still wants to be with me but wants to slow things down a bit and needs some space.

I gave her her space but at the same time I felt that the break up was inevitable at this point because of her behavior prior to our initial talk. She reached out to me a few times on by text and even reacted to my stories.

My anxiety got the best of me and i told her that we needed to end. This was the day before she went out of town with her girlfriends.

When she came to my place, I cried a little bit. I told her she's such an amazing person and she deserves the best. I told her that I am sorry that she feels a little overwhelmed with everything and I wish she had told me how she felt. I would have understood a bit more. Now, she said she wants to focus on herself and I can't be upset about that because she is amazing and deserves the best. It almost seemed as if she wanted it to be over. She wanted the relationship to break up and was too scared to do it.

I told her I wish her the best of luck in life and hope she finds her happiness. I blocked her on my instagram and unfollowed her sister as well. I completely disconnected from social media just to refocus myself again.

Right after our conversation ended. I went straight in NC. And we haven't heard from each other in about a week

Thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, crazyguy123 said:

 

Now, she said she wants to focus on herself and I can't be upset about that because she is amazing and deserves the best. It almost seemed as if she wanted it to be over. She wanted the relationship to break up and was too scared to do it.

I think you're exactly right. 

Given her distance before the relationship ended, it sounds like she was already losing interest and detaching. Some people have a hard time being direct when they know it will hurt, so they dance around the painful things (directly breaking it off) and let someone else do the dirty work. It seems this just ran its course for her and she realized she couldn't continue when her feelings and interest level just weren't the same anymore. 

It sucks, but I think you were smart to call it off. It was headed that way anyway. 

[schlumpy]

You get an A plus on the relationship test.

You gave it enough time to turn around and when she took another step farther away you ended it and went NC minimizing your distress.

Very well done indeed.

Your post should be in a text book on how to handle break ups.

I hope you are to get back saddle soon.

Good luck

[crazyguy123]

So we have been in no contact for nearly 2 weeks

The first 8 months were great! Seemed like nothing was an issue at all.

She invested a lot in my life. Planned family events, cottage trips,  and all that.

Last few weeks, I started to feel her distancing herself from me. She was constantly on her phone whenever I see her once or twice a week, Leaves my house early, and stuff

She contacted me one day and came over. She asked for space but still wanted to be with me. She told me she feels overwhelmed. She feels that like she is struggling to communicate with me because she is too scared to tell me.

A few days go by and she messages me a few times.

Then I message her telling her that I want this relationship over. I told her this isn't a relationship if she wasn't able to be open and honest with me and to hold it back and bring it up when she gets overwhelmed. She didn't try to fight for it.

I asked her if she still wanted me in her life. And she replied " I don't know" so I just m ended it and said we are done. I want a relationship where someone wants me in their life and is willing to work through things

I told her I wish her all the best in life. I told her I wish she can find her happiness with or without me and she deserves the best.

I made her laugh quite a bit before I went back home.

I told her if she changes her mind to give me a call.

I haven't spoken to her in a week and a half.

What are your thoughts?

[CTAtlanta]

May I ask how old you and she are?
Not that it's relevant, but you sound very mature in how you handled it...while she sounds very immature.  None of the begging, guilt trip stuff that too many people get caught up doing.

I think you handled it just great.  The only suggestion I'd make is not to leave the door open like you did by telling her to call you if she changes her mind.  It makes it sound like you're just sitting around waiting on the phone to ring from her.  Here's my thought rationale - If someone is willing to treat your feelings like garbage or unable to decide if they want you in their life then you don't need them.  It's that simple.  If you allow them back then they know they can do it again, and again, and again.

I will never beg someone to be with me.  Relationships are supposed to be mutual.  In fact, my g/f of 2 yrs just ghosted me over the weekend and I've not heard from her in 3 days.  Completely out of the blue...just disappeared.  I got up this morning and wrote her a nice msg and said goodbye. That simple.  I know it sounds harsh, but I've just learned that people that truly love you won't toy with your feelings, keep you dangling on a string and are undecided.

Proud of how you took a stand and didn't cave or beg.  Now just be sure to cut off the communications and go cold turkey.  It makes the healing easier.

[crazyguy123]

I did cry though hahah

[crazyguy123]

I did cry

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

May I ask how old you and she are?
Not that it's relevant, but you sound very mature in how you handled it...while she sounds very immature.  None of the begging, guilt trip stuff that too many people get caught up doing.

I think you handled it just great.  The only suggestion I'd make is not to leave the door open like you did by telling her to call you if she changes her mind.  It makes it sound like you're just sitting around waiting on the phone to ring from her.  Here's my thought rationale - If someone is willing to treat your feelings like garbage or unable to decide if they want you in their life then you don't need them.  It's that simple.  If you allow them back then they know they can do it again, and again, and again.

I will never beg someone to be with me.  Relationships are supposed to be mutual.  In fact, my g/f of 2 yrs just ghosted me over the weekend and I've not heard from her in 3 days.  Completely out of the blue...just disappeared.  I got up this morning and wrote her a nice msg and said goodbye. That simple.  I know it sounds harsh, but I've just learned that people that truly love you won't toy with your feelings, keep you dangling on a string and are undecided.

Proud of how you took a stand and didn't cave or beg.  Now just be sure to cut off the communications and go cold turkey.  It makes the healing easier.

I did cry though 😂😂😂

[basil67]

Asking for space is what someone does when they *think* they want out but aren't sure.  Or they don't have the guts to made the decision.   So you pulled the pin on her behalf.  

I would be wary about getting back together with her if she reaches out.  You'd want to make sure that she's coming back for the right reasons.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, crazyguy123 said:

I did cry

I did cry though 😂😂😂

You need to get your life in order. Get back to work or find a side job. Anything you can get.

You also need to take care of yourself physically and mentally.

Don't just smother her because you're bored.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, crazyguy123 said:

She contacted me one day and came over. She asked for space but still wanted to be with me. She told me she feels overwhelmed. She feels that like she is struggling to communicate with me because she is too scared to tell me.

What is she referring to here?

[schlumpy]

7 hours ago, CTAtlanta said:

The only suggestion I'd make is not to leave the door open like you did by telling her to call you if she changes her mind.  It makes it sound like you're just sitting around waiting on the phone to ring from her.  Here's my thought rationale - If someone is willing to treat your feelings like garbage or unable to decide if they want you in their life then you don't need them.  It's that simple.  If you allow them back then they know they can do it again, and again, and again.

Let me reinforce that thought. CTA is one hundred percent right in this observation and if you take it to heart you will not need to come back here ever again.

[d0nnivain]

I think you may have jumped the gun a little but I need more context to be sure. 

When I get into a new relationship my pattern would be to pour my time into the guy, letting certain life obligations -- doing laundry, grocery shopping, even vegging on my couch to recharge -- slide.  Then a few months in I'd get overwhelmed & need some time to myself.  It was like I OD'd on togetherness & needed to sober up to get more balance in my life so I could be in love & still deal with the mundane.  So I'd pull back.  Given my pattern, I see some of that here.  It's not that she didn't care but she needed to catch her breath especially because you talk about how much she invested in your life but you don't mention being invested in her life.  

Her inability to talk to you is troublesome.  But instead of making it easier for her, instead of giving her a safe space to share what she was feeling, it sounds more like you berated her & demanded that she adopt a straightforward communications style that she does not have the skills for.  You weren't kind or understanding when she opened up to you.  You made her feel worse.  Although she reached out, instead of working with her to address her concerns you dumped her.  

All I see is a very one sided guy who wants things his way.  I saw no communication, empathy or a desire to see things from her perspective.  No wonder she didn't know how to express herself or her concerns with you. You don't listen.  

[TeddyBundy1993]

Ehh I'd never understand why people can't be upstaright. Anyhow you did right, took an exit at right no matter you were hurt. Trust me even tuff guys struggles to let go, gets clingy and ruin their image further. keep up with no contact man, you gonna heal look back at this and gonna realize it wasnt mean to be. Although it's never that easy right after break ups urge to talk to your ex, knowing what's shes upto old memories everything send our mind into bloody roller coster. In few months you'll overpower all these urges, will adjust into s new life without her, and probably be happy again ready that's the power of NC. Keep it this way, keep family friends and well wishers close. 

[andrem11]

22 hours ago, CTAtlanta said:

May I ask how old you and she are?
Not that it's relevant, but you sound very mature in how you handled it...while she sounds very immature.  None of the begging, guilt trip stuff that too many people get caught up doing.

I think you handled it just great.  The only suggestion I'd make is not to leave the door open like you did by telling her to call you if she changes her mind.  It makes it sound like you're just sitting around waiting on the phone to ring from her.  Here's my thought rationale - If someone is willing to treat your feelings like garbage or unable to decide if they want you in their life then you don't need them.  It's that simple.  If you allow them back then they know they can do it again, and again, and again.

I will never beg someone to be with me.  Relationships are supposed to be mutual.  In fact, my g/f of 2 yrs just ghosted me over the weekend and I've not heard from her in 3 days.  Completely out of the blue...just disappeared.  I got up this morning and wrote her a nice msg and said goodbye. That simple.  I know it sounds harsh, but I've just learned that people that truly love you won't toy with your feelings, keep you dangling on a string and are undecided.

Proud of how you took a stand and didn't cave or beg.  Now just be sure to cut off the communications and go cold turkey.  It makes the healing easier.

I know this isn't your thread, but I feel for you man.  I'm sorry that happened to you and it sucks when the person you love and care about doesn't have the ability to communicate with you like an adult.  I hope things get better for you soon. 

[CTAtlanta]

18 minutes ago, andrem11 said:

I know this isn't your thread, but I feel for you man.  I'm sorry that happened to you and it sucks when the person you love and care about doesn't have the ability to communicate with you like an adult.  I hope things get better for you soon. 

I really appreciate it.  It's been really tough these past few days since she disappeared.  As I look around on this forum it's hard for me to fathom that there are so many people hurt and broken by someone else's selfishness.  I don't understand why people just can't be decent human beings and treat each other the way they'd want to be treated.  Even if you no longer want to be with that person...treat them with some empathy and dignity.  Don't just treat them like garbage and wipe your feet on them as you walk out the door.

[rjc149]

Sounds like you breaking up with her was more of a manipulation tactic to get her to react and chase you, rather than you wanting out of the relationship. In other words, a fake breakup. She knows it too and called your bluff. And unfortunately, it sounds like she wanted it anyways. 

You don't dump a girl, then tell her "let me know if you change your mind."

I think when a guy fake dumps a girl, then goes running back after her, he kind of sh-ts the bed. But you could give it a few more weeks, give her plenty of breathing room, then reach out with a genuine apology for reacting poorly to her distancing. 

In the future, when you feel your girlfriend is becoming distant and then asks for space, her attraction for your is wilting. Give her space. Mirror her distancing. Don't react emotionally. Be the rock that sits there serenely under both her sunshine and thunderstorms. Show her that you're confident, secure, and strong. This is your best shot at restoring her attraction for you. 

But honestly it's not out of the question that she's got another guy in the woodwork. 

Edited August 26, 2020 by rjc149

[schlumpy]

It's just part of the roller coaster ride. Up and down and it will pass.

If you find yourself fighting the urge to contact her get on the forum and vent. Others have used it for that in long rambling posts. We all know what is happening and will give you support.

Is there anything that you have been wanting to do but your relationship was keeping you from doing it?

Now's the time.

[andrem11]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

I really appreciate it.  It's been really tough these past few days since she disappeared.  As I look around on this forum it's hard for me to fathom that there are so many people hurt and broken by someone else's selfishness.  I don't understand why people just can't be decent human beings and treat each other the way they'd want to be treated.  Even if you no longer want to be with that person...treat them with some empathy and dignity.  Don't just treat them like garbage and wipe your feet on them as you walk out the door.

I wholeheartedly agree.  My most recent ex would pull the disappearing act all the time so I totally sympathize with you.  It is devastating to spend X years of your life with a person only to be discarded like trash when you are no longer useful. 

[crazyguy123]

So I broke up with this girl 2 weeks ago. It seemed as if she wanted the break up to be honest.

A few weeks before the break up she was sending me nudes and such.

The following week, I started to feel her being distant.

Then, she wanted to talk to me and say that she needed space but she still wants me with her. She just wants to slow things down a bit more. She told me if I don't like her decision, I can break it up with her. I told her I still wanted to be with her and I already felt her being distant and stuff like that. Being on her phone half the time when I see her once or twice a week depending. And she also told me she feels overwhelmed.

A few days go by and I decided to break up with her. I felt as if it was the right move because of how shady she had been. She came over and we talked and I probably cried more than her. I told her that I don't think I can continue this because I feel as if she is being distant and never really told me until she felt overwhelmed. I told her she's an amazing person and I wished her the best in her life. I told her I hope she can find her happiness elsewhere and she said I am amazing and that I deserve the most out of life. She just said I am sorry but I just feel as if I cant be in a relationship because I need to find myself.

I told her if you change your mind and want to be with me, you know how to contact me.

There was no animosity in this breakup.

I haven't spoken to her since and it's been about 2 weeks or something like that. Part of me wants her back because I love her but like Coach Corey Wayne said "The best negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it"

Thoughts on this break up?

Is it bad that I cried?

[Mrin]

Rule: Never break up so you can get back together. That's like burning your car so you can drive. You break up because it isn't working and is better left in the past.

So, who cares if you cried? As long as it was genuine and what you needed in that moment then there is nothing wrong with it. Who cares what she thinks - she is your ex. She lives in your past. Her opinion doesn't matter a anymore. That's why you broke up, right?

That is unless you broke the rule above. You broke up with her for something else. Like to make he come back to you and beg to take her back. In that case you're being a manipulative jerk and a game player. 

Please tell me you didn't break the rule. 

[FudgeSwirl]

No break-up is easy even if it was amicable like yours was.  It's okay that you cried because it's a loss and losses require mourning.  

I agree with @Mrin's simile regarding breaking up just to get back together.  It's hard to let a relationship go even though it is obvious things aren't working so as a coping mechanism sometimes we say the door will be open in regards to getting back together.  As more and more time passes and the end of the relationship has been processed it is then where most of the time we can't foresee ever getting back together.

[lee179108]

Like you I myself am hurt through an ex and a breakup... its why I come on to this forum, to vent, try and support other people... its weird because I would never usually come on to something like this but for me it passes the time and allows me to share my story, see what other people think and so on.  Only thing that will show us what will really happen is time, my ex gf... the first time we broke up she came back to me after 2 months... she would send the odd text in that time but maybe like 1 a week or every 2 weeks... then after 2 months of no contact she said she missed me... now weve broken up again.. so be careful if you do get back together because you dont want to get hurt again. Like your ex she never expressed her problems to me, she always bottled it up and ran. But we must be strong and stay in no contact at least until they message us something. In the meantime get back on the dating apps, work out. Its gonna hurt so much, hurts me now especially as I live alone... but we just have to continue with life. 

[crazyguy123]

Alright, I know I am going to have a few haters here. I broke up with my ex because they didn't know if they wanted me in their life anymore.

Right after we broke up, I blocked her on social media for the first 3 weeks of my break up. Then unblocked.

This break up has been so damaging to me but I am getting better and better as each day passes.

I'll admit, I went into a bit of a stalker mode. She still follows my gym and I notice she would only like pictures if I AM IN IT. But nothing else. And my gym loves posting me.

I don't think this is an action of her wanting me back because it'll obviously be more than that. But, I find that weird in my opinion.

 

Thoughts? Please, dont troll

[lee179108]

I feel for you man, im in a similar situation where me and my ex broke up in August... it will have been 3 weeks no contact this week....   I like you went into stalker mode and I blocked her on instagram. She still has my whatsapp so can contact me on there or see statuses... but she broke up with me for stupid reasons, and similar to you didnt see me as anything more than loving me as a person..  along with other issues. So no im in NC and not gonna break it.  She does sometimes view my statuses which I find weird.. but we aint spoke now for 3 weeks...   at the end of the day they know that if they want to reach out to us then they can...  and will as they have our numbers. Try not to read too much into what shes doing on social media, that can make you go crazy and set you back. But if she wants you back then im sure she will have a way to contact you. If she didnt know if she wanted you in her life then you made the right call as you want someone who will be stable, honest and work through things. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, crazyguy123 said:

I broke up with my ex because they didn't know if they wanted me in their life anymore.

What made her come to that decision that caused you to break up with her?