Caught him lying, what's the next step?

[muchlovetogive]

So, the man I had previously posted about not answering/taking a long time to return my phone calls on the weekend, when supposedly with the kids...I've been with him one year now and started questioning inconsistencies in story.  He lives in NJ and works in NY.  He "supposedly" picks his kids up in CT every weekend.  Last weekend, he told me he took his kids shopping in Macy's. I asked where in Connecticut (where they live) and he said yes.  I found the receipt which says he shopped at the New York location near my job. Receipt also listed a girls name in the rewards points section to get discounts, but his debit card in his name was swiped.  Later on I questioned him again regarding which location, and he said NY.  Then I asked why he gave me two answers he tells me he went to two locations.  I saw the house looked neat as I left it after the weekend and he said he stayed at his brother's house in Brooklyn and the kids wanted to go to a mall so they drove to Queens (about 30 min drive).

I did a little sleuthing of the name on the receipt.  Her first name I've seen on his playstation and netflix accounts, which for some reason, I trusted him and never questioned because I assumed it was an ex.  When googling her name, I saw her previous addresses all around the neighborhood of my work place. Plus, they share in common a couple of the same previous residences. Her workplace is also listed and I see he has several items with the firm's logo on it, backpacks, thermos, mugs...

I took matters into my own hands, and tried to see if I could find his car around the addresses near the work place. I did not, so as I went on my way back to work and lo and behold, I see his car parked by a stop sign... I am ashamed to admit it, but I did stay for a couple hours to see if there was any activity.  I hadn't heard from him all day yesterday, he did not pick up my 11pm call either.  I had been calling him 6 times since this morning.  Eventually I see him walk to the car.  He calls me and tells me his baby mama took his phone and saw my name on the phone and asked who I was.  She's supposedly jealous and still loves him (10 years after breaking up) And he continues to lie to me and tell me his car broke down in Connecticut and he is going back to NJ now.  I let him keep bs-ing to see how bad he will lie through his teeth.  I already told him to pack my stuff from my house and bring it to me because I know he is lying. Now, my questions:

-Do I reveal to him that I saw his car parked in NY? (I can also text him the photo)  He was a 3 min drive from my work place and didn't even stop by to say hi ???

-Do I reveal to him I found the girl's name on the receipt?

-Should I not even bother since he lied to me so much?

My friend told me to just end it and no more discussion. But I feel like confronting him with the solid evidence and letting him know i know the truth! I just want to let him know he was caught red handed and I know for sure he is lying.  Also, I was thinking about calling the girl to let her know he is messing around if that is even his ex, I'm assuming it is.  What do you think?  How should I confront him with the evidence and should I try calling the ex?

Edited August 22, 2020 by muchlovetogive

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

3-Should I not even bother since he lied to me so much?

Option 3 sounds like the best recourse. You confirmed your suspicions so you the next step is to end it. You can confront him, but you'll probably get a barrage of laming insulting excuses. Unfortunately following a man around like that gives off a bit of a Fatal Attraction vibe.

[muchlovetogive]

I know it comes off as stalkerish, I just had to see the truth for myself since he was not being honest.  It kills me that I cannot let him know I know the truth.

[Mystery4u]

15 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

I know it comes off as stalkerish, I just had to see the truth for myself since he was not being honest.  It kills me that I cannot let him know I know the truth.

Off course you can let him know, it's up to you. Personally I would tell him all I know, and then never talk to him again.

Couple of things though - the name on his PS and Netflix - you say you trusted him because you assumed it was an ex, why? No man should have an ex on any of his accounts.

Also I only read the first post of your last thread about him. I'm surprised you stayed with him for another 6 months! If my girlfriend couldn't be bothered to call or message me for a whole weekend then I would be ending it. That's just lazy and very selfish.

I get the impression that you allow people to treat you badly and still stick with them. Surely you deserve better?

You seem like someone with a good heart, so please next time don't settle with someone who treats you terribly. Find someone who appreciates you for you and treats you like a Queen and the only woman in the world.

[muchlovetogive]

37 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Couple of things though - the name on his PS and Netflix - you say you trusted him because you assumed it was an ex, why? No man should have an ex on any of his accounts.

Yes agreed. I had assumed that he was continuing to use her account instead of getting his own and/or he just didn’t get around to removing her account. Stupid me

Should I call her?

[Mystery4u]

31 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

Yes agreed. I had assumed that he was continuing to use her account instead of getting his own and/or he just didn’t get around to removing her account. Stupid me

Should I call her?

Ok well lesson learnt.

No you should not call her. She is not your responsibility. Now is the time to think about yourself and do what is best for you. You don't need any more drama from her side.

[d0nnivain]

End it & get help.   He lied.  OK.  He's a bad guy. Your behavior -- searching for her, learning where she works, driving around his neighborhood looking for his car, staying for hours to catch him is all unbalanced.  You have a problem besides the fact that your soon to be EX BF lied to you. 

Tell him anything you want.  This relationship already needs to be over.  If you don't walk away because of the lies, he will run because of the stalking. 

Do NOT call her.  Calling her is just being a pot stirrer.  Based on your other behaviors you will probably call her because that is the type of person you seem to be.  

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

Should I call her?

He would just deny everything .What your investigation  revealed most of all is what a good liar he is.

He'll tell her you're some crazy person or you're just a friend. She will want to believe this.  Liars are very adept at twisting things.

You're at the crash and burn point so telling her seems like...'what the hell, let the whole thing implode'. And  of course you are hurt/angry at being betrayed.

Edited August 22, 2020 by Wiseman2

[muchlovetogive]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do NOT call her.  Calling her is just being a pot stirrer.  Based on your other behaviors you will probably call her because that is the type of person you seem to be.  

Listen, I realize what I did is not healthy behavior. The lies were just starting to pile up and I was going crazy not being able to make sense of it or verify anything. So if he wasn’t being truthful to me, I had to find out for myself  

Yes I realize I do need to get help for myself because for some reason I keep falling for unfaithful guys. 

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He would just deny everything .What your investigation  revealed most of all is what a good liar he is.

He'll tell her you're some crazy person or you're just a friend. She will want to believe this.  Liars are very adept at twisting things.

You're at the crash and burn point so telling her seems like...'what the hell, let the whole thing implode'. And  of course you are hurt/angry at being betrayed.

I’m not trying to be a pot stirrer either. I want to give her a heads up to be careful. I don’t think it’s fair for her either and she deserves to know as well 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't call her, no. You don't know what their relationship is, exactly. For all you know, she already knows he screws around. Maybe they're not even exactly "together" and thus he is theoretically free to do what he wants. There are too many unknowns. 

As for him, well, you could tell him that you know he's lying about where he was. He was parked near your work so I suppose it wouldn't be too unusual for you have been where he was parked. Just be prepared to hear an excuse. The same goes for her name on the receipt. 

Most importantly, listen to your instincts next time. You knew a while ago that something was off about this guy. It seems your gut was bang-on the money. 

 

[kismetkismet]

I would leave him and be done with it. Honestly, I don't blame you for doing a bit of internet sleuthing, It takes all of five minutes and it helped you connect the dots. He's the one that was spinning wild lies. If you'd confronted him with partial information, he likely would have told you some other crazy story like that it was his daughter's friend or just an error. We often need to find the truth in order to fully accept that they're lying. 

That said - I wouldn't tell him what you found, or tell the woman. You found the information you needed. There's no reason to stir up more drama over it or ask for an explanation, you already know you can't trust a word he says. 

Edited August 22, 2020 by kismetkismet

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, muchlovetogive said:

So, the man I had previously posted about not answering/taking a long time to return my phone calls on the weekend, when supposedly with the kids...I've been with him one year now and started questioning inconsistencies in story.  He lives in NJ and works in NY.  He "supposedly" picks his kids up in CT every weekend.  Last weekend, he told me he took his kids shopping in Macy's. I asked where in Connecticut (where they live) and he said yes.  I found the receipt which says he shopped at the New York location near my job. Receipt also listed a girls name in the rewards points section to get discounts, but his debit card in his name was swiped.  Later on I questioned him again regarding which location, and he said NY.  Then I asked why he gave me two answers he tells me he went to two locations.  I saw the house looked neat as I left it after the weekend and he said he stayed at his brother's house in Brooklyn and the kids wanted to go to a mall so they drove to Queens (about 30 min drive).

I did a little sleuthing of the name on the receipt.  Her first name I've seen on his playstation and netflix accounts, which for some reason, I trusted him and never questioned because I assumed it was an ex.  When googling her name, I saw her previous addresses all around the neighborhood of my work place. Plus, they share in common a couple of the same previous residences. Her workplace is also listed and I see he has several items with the firm's logo on it, backpacks, thermos, mugs...

I took matters into my own hands, and tried to see if I could find his car around the addresses near the work place. I did not, so as I went on my way back to work and lo and behold, I see his car parked by a stop sign... I am ashamed to admit it, but I did stay for a couple hours to see if there was any activity.  I hadn't heard from him all day yesterday, he did not pick up my 11pm call either.  I had been calling him 6 times since this morning.  Eventually I see him walk to the car.  He calls me and tells me his baby mama took his phone and saw my name on the phone and asked who I was.  She's supposedly jealous and still loves him (10 years after breaking up) And he continues to lie to me and tell me his car broke down in Connecticut and he is going back to NJ now.  I let him keep bs-ing to see how bad he will lie through his teeth.  I already told him to pack my stuff from my house and bring it to me because I know he is lying. Now, my questions:

-Do I reveal to him that I saw his car parked in NY? (I can also text him the photo)  He was a 3 min drive from my work place and didn't even stop by to say hi ???

-Do I reveal to him I found the girl's name on the receipt?

-Should I not even bother since he lied to me so much?

My friend told me to just end it and no more discussion. But I feel like confronting him with the solid evidence and letting him know i know the truth! I just want to let him know he was caught red handed and I know for sure he is lying.  Also, I was thinking about calling the girl to let her know he is messing around if that is even his ex, I'm assuming it is.  What do you think?  How should I confront him with the evidence and should I try calling the ex?

 

I agree with your friend: end it and don't look back. You don't need his side of the story because you'll never know what the truth is, which is how "gas lighting" works.

You can tell him just so he knows it's over, but don't waste time listening to his s***.

[Wiseman2]

Telling her is about getting even with him. It certainly will give him a run for the money when his other GF starts grilling him about who else he's running around with. 

[schlumpy]

Listen to your girlfriend because there is wisdom there.

Cheaters lie and spin. Your solid evidence will not stand up to his hail storm of lies and you may come away doubting yourself. You handled it very well and bravo for your tactics and awareness. Never feel badly for ferreting out the truth and If you spy on your lover never reveal your sources.

Leave him guessing.

[smackie9]

I agree with your friend, to just fold up your tent and walk away. He most likely has caught a whiff of you knowing something, and has a speech already prepared when the time comes...not worth your time.

[kendahke]

you're doing way too much here... just leave.  Life is too short for this sort of BS.

[Haerts]

The whole problem about confronting him about his lies is that HE WILL LIE AGAIN. (in caps, italic and underlined to make sure you understand that)

I was in a relationship for 4 years that was just like that. I would catch him lying and he was such a great liar that even his excuses made sense. Eventually I figured out I was being gaslighted, I was thinking I was going crazy.

If you do talk to him, he might give you some lame excuse and explain everything in a way that will make you think you got it wrong. Then you may fall for it and carry on like it's all okay... until he lies again and you find yourself in the same old cycle. 

Just end it to keep yourself sane. I ended up with some bad anxiety problems for not ending a relationship when it was supposed to end.

Hope you're well. 

[muchlovetogive]

8 hours ago, Haerts said:

The whole problem about confronting him about his lies is that HE WILL LIE AGAIN. (in caps, italic and underlined to make sure you understand that)

I was in a relationship for 4 years that was just like that. I would catch him lying and he was such a great liar that even his excuses made sense. Eventually I figured out I was being gaslighted, I was thinking I was going crazy.

If you do talk to him, he might give you some lame excuse and explain everything in a way that will make you think you got it wrong. Then you may fall for it and carry on like it's all okay... until he lies again and you find yourself in the same old cycle. 

Just end it to keep yourself sane. I ended up with some bad anxiety problems for not ending a relationship when it was supposed to end.

Thank you Haerts. Was your boyfriend a psychopath?

I HAVE A HUGE UPDATE.  It turns out my ex-bf is a textbook psychopath.  I ended up calling the girl because he kept on giving me the runaround and I just HAD to find out some sort of truth. She was very aggressive, continuing to question me, but not answer any of my questions, and keep me on the phone. She finally told me that "we live together honey. We have been together 10 years and are in domestic partnership, are practically married, and have filed paperwork."  I asked why she was not at his house during the week, and she said that it was none of my business.  I told her she can have him, I'm not trying to fight for him.  She said it sounded like I was hurt and wanted to get back at him.  I told her I just wanted to make her aware of what was going on and want nothing further to do with this.  After finding out I have the keys, she asked if I wanted to go to the house and confront him together.  Of course, I passed on that!  She said: maybe we can talk another time. I said maybe. 

He called me later that night and asked if I called his "ex".  I said she said you are married.  He laughed a maniacal laugh.  He told me this will be hard, because I "L" you.  He had told me he had a hard time saying the words I love you, yet he used to call me Love.  He always said "I know you L me"  Always trying to get me to say it first, but I was stubborn about it too cuz I didn't like the way he was constantly pushing me to be the first to say it.

She called me later that night as well but I didn't answer.  She called me again the next day to see what she had to say.  Her demeanor was totally different.  She was nice and told me she was calling to make sure I was ok.  yeah, sure.  Then, she tells me, "I have one favor to ask you. It's for me and not him.  Can you send me a photo of you two together but you can blur out your face."  I already erased all photos, so she asked if I would confront him with her on the phone.  I told her probably not, I no longer want to be involved.  She said I do believe you, you sound like a genuine person, but It's hard to walk away on Day 1 of finding out.  We have 10 years of memories, credit cards, insurance, we shared residences.  I'm gonna need to finalize and split everything."  She spoke calmly and not upset like I did.  I feel like either, this must have not been the first time (which she told me it was, but I feel like that's a lie) or she is also a psychopath actor who has no emotion or can fake it.

This puts a lot of pressure on me.  On the one hand, I know how it feels to want to have more solid proof to close the chapter and move on vs having to go by my word, but I really don't want to get involved anymore and cause more problems.  I had already done my duty.  She asked me to think about it but probably won't be doing it. 

So now, I am putting all the pieces together. I am filling in all the holes in stories and inconsistencies.  He was with her, not the kids, every weekend when he never answered my calls.  The shampoo, perfume, and nail extension I found at his house were NOT his daughter's.  He was not the nice, helpful, affectionate man he showed me, but a great actor, master liar and manipulator.  The whole world I thought I knew just collapsed.  He made my fantasy of love come true and feel so real, but it was not.  What I am worried about is that he had told me that his "ex" who wanted to get back with him is a great researcher, which is why it didn't work between them because without trust there is no relationship (HAHAHAHAHAHHAAA)  Can you believe he said that???  Anyways, I am reading up on psychopaths and he did every single thing listed.

[stillafool]

I don't understand if you no longer wanted to be involved after telling her about him why did you accept his call that night instead of confronting him with her so you could find out the truth?

Edited August 26, 2020 by stillafool

[muchlovetogive]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand if you no longer wanted to be involved after telling her about him why did you accept his call that night instead of confronting him with her so you could find out the truth?

I accepted his call in order to make arrangements to get my belongings.  I already have the truth.  I have the Macy's receipt with her name on it for Rewards Points.  His explanation was that he "ran" into her there.  Do you think I should confront him with her?

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

I ended up calling the girl because he kept on giving me the runaround and I just HAD to find out some sort of truth. She was very aggressive, continuing to question me, but not answer any of my questions, and keep me on the phone. She finally told me that "we live together honey. We have been together 10 years and are in domestic partnership, are practically married, and have filed paperwork." 

He called me later that night and asked if I called his "ex". 

He's in the dog house now.🏠🐶 Good call. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said:

 Do you think I should confront him with her?

No.  You have everything you need now to move forward.  You should have asked her for your belongings back.  If he lives with her how did he get your stuff?

[muchlovetogive]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

No.  You have everything you need now to move forward.  You should have asked her for your belongings back.  If he lives with her how did he get your stuff?

They don't live together 24/7.  They have 2 different homes.  That is why I was able to stay over M-F, and he would leave every weekend to "pick up his kids" and it was difficult to get a response from him.  The only reason she gave to me for not living together all week was that this is what works for them for commuting reasons.  I think she also might live with her mom.

[Watercolors]

Call the police to escort you to his home while you collect your stuff.