I cheated years ago and cant get over it.

[dancinginthedark]

hi everyone, 

I wrote here years ago.  I met my husband years ago and in the beginning he cheated on me when he went on vacation with a friend about 6 months after we met.  I was devastated and he wasnt very remorseful.  Time went on and several other occasions he had lied but I forgave because I truly felt something for him.  We moved in together and things were rocky but going well.  He proposes and shows he has changed and is serious about me but, on a work trip I met a colleague and began an affair.  Id call it revenge as I would never do something like that had he been faithful from the get go.  The first year it was only kissing but the 2nd year we went on this trip it became fully physical...2 months before our wedding.

I was so dumb I didnt think anything of it at the time because I knew it would never happen again and, it actually helped improve my relationship w my partner because I forgave easier and felt alot better about myself (completely childish, I know)  We slept together twice more after the work trip and then that was it.  I never engaged in an affair with him after my wedding.  I have had 2 children since.  It has been over 5 years.  I never told my partner and now it is eating at me.  I've been completely sick about it and feeling like the worst person ever.  My 2nd born was recently born and both my sons have a genetic disorder inherited by me that I didnt know I had and I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious about everything.  I dont know what telling my husband now would prove, we have a wonderful relationship now and have put it all behind us.  But I cant get over how heartless I was and how I could do that to the person I loved most.  

 

I guess at the time I felt like he never cared so why should I? But I see now it was the worst thing to do.  Advice?

Edited August 22, 2020 by dancinginthedark

[schlumpy]

I say don't tell him. The playing field is even.

If you are religious talk with your minister (or whomever) and get your absolution there.

It would be an act of self sabotage.

We all have moments in our lives where we don't recognize ourselves and feel ashamed.

[dancinginthedark]

15 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I say don't tell him. The playing field is even.

If you are religious talk with your minister (or whomever) and get your absolution there.

It would be an act of self sabotage.

We all have moments in our lives where we don't recognize ourselves and feel ashamed.

Thank you Schlumpy, for your reply, your maturity and your advice.  You made me feel a bit better tonight.  You are right, I am truly ashamed of my actions and don't recognize the person who could behave in such a way.  Thanks again.

[amerikajin]

I agree, don't tell him. You could maybe see a therapist and tell him/her.

[DKT3]

I get how the above post made you "feel" better,  but let's get honest.  Is that not what you've been doing? Its not working,  that's why you are here now needing to talk about it. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

I get how the above post made you "feel" better,  but let's get honest.  Is that not what you've been doing? Its not working,  that's why you are here now needing to talk about it. 

How she 'feels' is irrelevant to this equation.    She got to effect her own path, and that's all anyone has a right to ask.

 

The central priority remains how her spouse feels...   and he's fortunate enough to not have to know anything about the path this woman chose.

 

And his feelings remain the top priority with regard to the big picture of her life.

 

The rule is and shall always be:    "If there is any chance the partner may find out via other avenues  then you tell them first to spare the further hurt that is finding out elsewhere, and IF there is no realistic chance the partner will ever find out from others, then you never tell them, to spare them the hurt"

 

 

 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

The rule is and shall always be:    "If there is any chance the partner may find out via other avenues  then you tell them first to spare the further hurt that is finding out elsewhere, and IF there is no realistic chance the partner will ever find out from others, then you never tell them, to spare them the hurt"

The rule of those who have, or are currently cheated on their partners!

[elaine567]

I have a feeling this is all probably mixed up and amplified by the guilt you feel over the genetic defect you passed on to your children.
Do not tell your husband, it will kill him and ruin your now good marriage, unless you particularly want to be a single parent.
Get yourself into therapy and talk it all out with a professional.

[Buffer]

Do two wrongs make a right?

It is eating your subconscious Cause you need to tell him. Either you do or don’t it is up to you, but it will constantly be there in the background nagging at you. IC well that is a given, but don’t rug sweep it won’t help. 
Will it ruin a good marriage? I ask is it a good marriage, or one built on deceit on both parties. 
One day at a time 

Buffer 

Edited August 23, 2020 by Buffer
Late added thought

[Wiseman2]

A therapist would help you in several ways. One is dealing with the kids and genetic disorder, another is dealing with guilt, betrayal and marital problems.

What is the real reason you want to confess this now? 

[Zona]

The longer you keep it a secret, the worse it is going to be once it is finally exposed. At some you will probably admit to it, out of guilt, or anger or whatever.  Might as well get it over with. He will be devastated but the fact that he cheated on you will likely make him more understanding that it was out of revenge. You did however completely lose the moral high ground by having an affair yourself, so you are no better than him.

Keeping secrets of that magnitude is a sign that the marriage is not built on trust and honesty, and that doesn't bode well for the future.

Sorry to hear about your children having health issues. I hope it is something they can overcome.

Edited August 23, 2020 by Zona

[salparadise]

Don't buy into moral absolutism. It's narrow, immature, and inaccurate mode of thinking. 

Here is the reality... confessing would be devastating to him and damage or destroy the marriage. Then, in addition to the guilt you have already (which will not be resolved), you'll have the additional guilt of hurting your husband by a selfish and erroneous attempt to unburden yourself.

Take some solace in the fact that it happened before the marriage, and that it sort of evened the score. Consider it a closed matter and move on. Make your husband happy, make your marriage great. If you can't manage to do that on your own, see a therapist and talk it through and pack it away. If the therapist turns out to be a moral absolutist, switch therapists. 

The only positive outcome here is to a) resolve it internally, and b) be the best wife you can possibly be... which means do not hurt him.

Wishing you the best- 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Zona said:

 

Keeping secrets of that magnitude is a sign that the marriage is not built on trust and honesty, and that doesn't bode well for the future

Cheating on each other whether they find out or tell each other doesn't bode well. 

You have to question the motives of why 2 kids later, both with medical issues and while postpartum this sudden urge to stick it to him is there.

This has nothing to do with coming clean for the sake of transparency, this has to do with hurting and wanting to hurt him

Get back to your doctor for help.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I have a feeling this is all probably mixed up and amplified by the guilt you feel over the genetic defect you passed on to your children.
Get yourself into therapy and talk it all out with a professional.

Good advice. I could not agree more.

[colingrant]

I can't quite answer your original question, but a question you might want to ask yourself is what dynamics enabled you to advance the affair into a physical one? It's easy to say you won't do it again (many do unfortunately) but until you precisely identify your why's, it's possible the same circumstances may arise and if you don't know what led to it, you're susceptible to it repeating. Lots of time occurred between the kissing and the sex a mere two months before the wedding, and two more times. You'd already felt better about "evening the score", but even after having done so, something else allowed you to continue while engaged.

Your answer to your why's may help answer your original question. I say this because if he should ever find out or you confessed, one of the first questions asked is why did you do it? According to your post, you felt better after having started the affair and kissing occurred, so that answer can't be used as to why you carried it on to a physical affair. To answer the question, you'll have to come up with something, and that something will go a long way to recovery, reconciliation and the post disclosure dialogue, assuming reconciliation occurs. 

Right now you're in control, however if he should find out from some anonymous email or tongue slippage after a few drinks, you no longer have control and at that point everything is out of your hands. I've read tens of stories of mistaken and anonymous disclosures years or even decades later and the damage is exactly the same if not worse because the betrayed spouse was given no opportunity to decide for themselves the course of their marital life which was a falsified one because of the assumption you were faithful and weren't.  Additionally, even if you've processed the affair and thought about it for hundreds of hours, your husband will feel as though it happened yesterday the moment he's informed. So, the thought that it happened a long time ago will not soothe the period of absolute turmoil and devastation. 

[usa1ah]

He will find out. At least you knew the truth of what he did. To bad you are to selfish to give him the same respect. I guess his vacation and your two years do make it even. 

[Caauug]

On 8/23/2020 at 7:12 AM, dancinginthedark said:

hi everyone, 

I wrote here years ago.  I met my husband years ago and in the beginning he cheated on me when he went on vacation with a friend about 6 months after we met.  I was devastated and he wasnt very remorseful.  Time went on and several other occasions he had lied but I forgave because I truly felt something for him.  We moved in together and things were rocky but going well. 

WTF??? The guy cheats on you with a friend, he's not very remorseful and does it "Several other occasions" and lied about it??? And you still keep him around because you "felt" something for him??? Next you will play the victim card..... This is not painting a very good picture of you.... (actions here might be explained by the answers to the questions below)

On 8/23/2020 at 7:12 AM, dancinginthedark said:

He proposes and shows he has changed and is serious about me but, on a work trip I met a colleague and began an affair.  Id call it revenge as I would never do something like that had he been faithful from the get go.  The first year it was only kissing but the 2nd year we went on this trip it became fully physical...2 months before our wedding.

BF has a fling on vacation (2 weeks long?) at 6 months mark of relationship and you have 2 year long affair in the engagement part of relationship up until nearly the wedding and it's only "Revenge"???   I call BS on this!!!! And victim card is played.....

No cheating is good, (two wrongs do not equal a right) but there is a BIG difference to a short dating fling in the early days to a 2 year affair during your engagement. No way can you compare the two and say it is revenge, you are only trying to deceive yourself if you believe that!!! 

On 8/23/2020 at 7:12 AM, dancinginthedark said:

I was so dumb I didnt think anything of it at the time because I knew it would never happen again and, it actually helped improve my relationship w my partner because I forgave easier and felt alot better about myself (completely childish, I know)  We slept together twice more after the work trip and then that was it.

Oh yes, we all can see how this has helped out your relationship with your now husband.... That would be the main reason you are here now guilt ridden??? It looks more like you tried to monkey branch but colleague was only in it for a good time not a long time.... Pump and dump???

On 8/23/2020 at 7:12 AM, dancinginthedark said:

  It has been over 5 years.  I never told my partner and now it is eating at me.  I've been completely sick about it and feeling like the worst person ever.

Yep..... It's called guilt.... 

On 8/23/2020 at 7:12 AM, dancinginthedark said:

My 2nd born was recently born and both my sons have a genetic disorder inherited by me that I didnt know I had and I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious about everything.  I dont know what telling my husband now would prove, we have a wonderful relationship now and have put it all behind us.  But I cant get over how heartless I was and how I could do that to the person I loved most.  

This part really had me questioning why you would even tell us..... Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! You will never tell him!!! He is your blue provider, he has copped your poor genes that your sons inherited and has still stuck around.... He has shown you what is true worth is, and NOW you love him for it. That is sad.

Kinda ironic isn't it? You tried monkey branching to something better, failed, and the one you cheated on is the one that you needed and has stuck with you. 

Just a few questions:

If it was your husband's poor genes your sons inherited would you still be with him??? 

Did you know about the poor genes before you started dating? Have your other male family members shown them?

If you did, what were the chances of you passing them on?

And did you tell your now husband about the genes while you were dating?

 

I have no sympathy for what you are feeling. Don't blame your husband for your poor judgement. It's your time to be accountable for your own actions.

 

[d0nnivain]

The time to tell your husband was when it happened, before you walked down the aisle. 

He cheated on his relatively new GF.  You cheated on your fiancé.  

To tell him now all these years later is almost as selfish as cheating in the 1st place.  You won't feel better.  Your child will still have this genetic problem.  You cheating did NOT cause the genetic problem.  You do need to get into therapy so make an appointment ASAP.  

Don't hurt your husband all over again to atone for something you didn't do (make your child sick).  

The guilt you have to learn to carry in silence is your punishment for what you did.  

[ctdans]

I'm not sure I fully understand you saying it was revenge.

I thought you said he cheated when you had only been together six months and not yet married.  You also said he lied but was it about cheating or maybe something else?

You entered into a 2 year affair and were sexually intimate with  the guy just a short 2 years before your wedding. You are using that as an excuse to cheat.

Wow.  No wonder you feel guilty!  You acted horribly!

My vote is say nothing as it will ruin your marriage.  Had he known back then I doubt he would feel you are "even" and marry you.  Maybe taking this guilt to your grave is what you deserve.

[Indigo Night]

On 8/22/2020 at 4:12 PM, dancinginthedark said:

hi everyone, 

I wrote here years ago.  I met my husband years ago and in the beginning he cheated on me when he went on vacation with a friend about 6 months after we met.  I was devastated and he wasnt very remorseful.  Time went on and several other occasions he had lied but I forgave because I truly felt something for him.  We moved in together and things were rocky but going well.  He proposes and shows he has changed and is serious about me but, on a work trip I met a colleague and began an affair.  Id call it revenge as I would never do something like that had he been faithful from the get go.  The first year it was only kissing but the 2nd year we went on this trip it became fully physical...2 months before our wedding.

I was so dumb I didnt think anything of it at the time because I knew it would never happen again and, it actually helped improve my relationship w my partner because I forgave easier and felt alot better about myself (completely childish, I know)  We slept together twice more after the work trip and then that was it.  I never engaged in an affair with him after my wedding.  I have had 2 children since.  It has been over 5 years.  I never told my partner and now it is eating at me.  I've been completely sick about it and feeling like the worst person ever.  My 2nd born was recently born and both my sons have a genetic disorder inherited by me that I didnt know I had and I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious about everything.  I dont know what telling my husband now would prove, we have a wonderful relationship now and have put it all behind us.  But I cant get over how heartless I was and how I could do that to the person I loved most.  

 

I guess at the time I felt like he never cared so why should I? But I see now it was the worst thing to do.  Advice?

At the time you felt that he never cared, but you were marrying him in a couple months.  Another shining example of true love!

It's your guilt, you get to live with it. Or, tell him and find out what being a single parent feels like.  Your choice.  You created the situation, so what are you going to do about it?

Telling him is only sharing your guilt. It has nothing to do with honesty.  Otherwise, you wouldn't have did "I do" to him after you did your coworker. 

You knew he cheated, early on, so you knew the truth when you got married. You've been lying to him for years. Im guessing his response won't be in your favor.  

 

Edited September 22, 2020 by Indigo Night

[oldlion]

In my long life I have seen many times where confessing is done to relieve the guilt of the one confessing and not really to just be honest with the one receiving the confession. If my wife cheated on me years ago (possible) and has never done so again, then I wouldn't want her to tell me. Why would I want her to ruin the happiness we have had for many many years with a confession about something that happened years ago and can't be changed. I can't understand why people advise someone to confess about something that happened  during a blip in time, and never again, that may destroy someone's life and relationship.  If you had cheated again and again then I would say he has a right to know. But once years ago....nope. I do wish you well. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 8/22/2020 at 4:12 PM, dancinginthedark said:

hi everyone, 

I wrote here years ago.  I met my husband years ago and in the beginning he cheated on me when he went on vacation with a friend about 6 months after we met.  I was devastated and he wasnt very remorseful.  Time went on and several other occasions he had lied but I forgave because I truly felt something for him.  We moved in together and things were rocky but going well.  He proposes and shows he has changed and is serious about me but, on a work trip I met a colleague and began an affair.  Id call it revenge as I would never do something like that had he been faithful from the get go.  The first year it was only kissing but the 2nd year we went on this trip it became fully physical...2 months before our wedding.

I was so dumb I didnt think anything of it at the time because I knew it would never happen again and, it actually helped improve my relationship w my partner because I forgave easier and felt alot better about myself (completely childish, I know)  We slept together twice more after the work trip and then that was it.  I never engaged in an affair with him after my wedding.  I have had 2 children since.  It has been over 5 years.  I never told my partner and now it is eating at me.  I've been completely sick about it and feeling like the worst person ever.  My 2nd born was recently born and both my sons have a genetic disorder inherited by me that I didnt know I had and I just feel so overwhelmed and anxious about everything.  I dont know what telling my husband now would prove, we have a wonderful relationship now and have put it all behind us.  But I cant get over how heartless I was and how I could do that to the person I loved most.  

 

I guess at the time I felt like he never cared so why should I? But I see now it was the worst thing to do.  Advice?

 

The rule of common sense is: 

 

If there is ANY realistic chance that your partner could find out about your affair through other means, then you tell them first, to avoid their having to learn through other avenues, otherwise, you never say a word about it  to spare them the hurt.

 

It is mostly those who have ever been in the 'affair' business who espouse the absurdity that is (needlessly bringing someone else down  merely to assuage your own guilt ) and, well, consider the sources...

 

 

 

[Pastypop]

You have two kids to think about. Keep it quite for their sakes.  They are better off in their current situation than living in separate homes. Plus, he will be really hard to parent with after the divorce or after you tell him.  That is only going to hurt your children.  You know you made a mistake.  We all do.  You have vowed to never do it again nor get yourself into a situation that could cause that to happen again.  If you tell someone, that increases your chances of getting outed by 50%.     

[Robert2016]

IMO another issue (and maybe more important today to your husband) is not only did you have a long term affair up until the wedding  - but that you withheld the facts because (if he had known) he may not have married you.

Under those circumstances, withholding relevant information is another form of deceit (just like an outright lie).

You knew he cheated while you were dating (before you were engaged) - but you still decided to marry him anyway.

However, when he married you - he didn't know about your ongoing long term affair.

You not only cheated on him - but you denied him the right to make an 'informed' major life decision about who he wants as a life partner.

 

 

 

[DKT3]

Am always amazed at how many people believe being honest about who you are is the problem.  No no its who you are that is the problem.  

People like OP usually continue to repeat patterns,  i give it a few years and she will be involved with someone else or maybe the same person again. 

Confessing is never the problem or what destroys relationships it what your Confessing that does.  And it will damage the relationship confession or not