SissyGirl27 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I despise my boyfriend's close female friend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 5 years, and they met and became friends 3 years into our long distance relationship. She was a part of his group of party friends, but I always had a bad feeling about her. She would leave flirty comments on his Instagram posts, and post on his Facebook wall how much she missed him when he was away. The first time I met her at a party I could feel the tension in the air between us. She would stand directly in front of him and start dancing in the middle of the circle of people talking and get visibly disappointed when he was talking to me. She pulled my hair when she hugged me (I felt her nails scrape my scalp it was awful) and she got so belligerently drunk she threw up everywhere and cried and people had to coddle her all night. Of course, I brought these types of things up to him a few times and he insisted that she was just a friend. It got to the point that he would stop telling me when he was hanging out with her because he knew I would get mad. Fast-forward a few months and I caved and went through his phone. Turns out, she WAS just a friend... but would laugh when others girls flirted with my boyfriend and tell him that he should cheat on me with them if he felt like it. She had done this for months before and after she met me. She started watching all of my Instagram stories and would text him when she saw he was out with me "just to see what he was up to". She'd confessed to him that everyone thought she loved him but that she didn't, and then proceeded to tell him how much she missed him and that he should come back to visit and asked if he was happy with me. She clearly likes him, and I think she was giving him horrible advice because she doesn't want us to be together. We ended up fighting about her several times after I told him that I didn't like how she was acting, and now we don't talk about her at all. I didn't want to give him an ultimatum not to talk to her anymore, but he knows I don't like her. Now, two years later, they don't live in the same city anymore, but they are still good friends and text a few times a month and are part of the same group chats and comment on each others IG stories, etc. They are both from small towns in the same state with a very specific accent and culture and way of life, which is why they bonded so much. I know my boyfriend loves me, and we are in a much better place in our relationship, but her continued presence in his life makes me so angry, and I feel like it is too late to say anything to him. My biggest fear is that she is still giving him insidious advice in the hopes that we break up and she can confess her love. How do I get him to get her out of his life for good and see how she has been a horrible influence in his life and our relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 18 minutes ago, SissyGirl27 said: How do I get him to get her out of his life for good and see how she has been a horrible influence in his life and our relationship? You don't. He doesn't care that she's coming between you two. He likes the friendship & the drama. You have spoken to him about her & you two have fought, yet she remains in his life. She will likely outlast you. Since there are no longer in the same place while you are far away, you can rest a bit easier. Ignore the flirty texts & for pete's sake block her off all your social media. But if you find out they are spending time together IRL understand he is picking her & make your own choices accordingly. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 11 minutes ago, SissyGirl27 said: How do I get him to get her out of his life for good You can't. Only he can choose to stop having anything to do with her. Given that she clearly is not supportive of your relationship, and actually appears to have at least at one time actively been trying to cause problems for you, I understand why you want her to be gone. But again, you can't be the one to make that happen. You should make it clear to your boyfriend that you think she is trying to undermine your relationship, regardless of whether he just sees her as a friend or not. Surely he can't be so clueless he doesn't get that. Of course you don't want to admit you went through his phone, so there's only so much you can point to as an example. Ultimatums and trying to control who he can and cannot associate with are not going to work and will only cause problems in a different way for your relationship. Also repeatedly bringing it up will only cause more problems. At this point just keep her on your radar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Why are you long distance for this long?. It would be best to end it and date locally. It's not about her it's about your BF and his local so-called friend. At some level you know it's more than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SissyGirl27 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Why are you long distance for this long?. It would be best to end it and date locally. It's not about her it's about your BF and his local so-called friend. At some level you know it's more than that. Visa issues and now Covid have forced us to be long distance for so long, but I am moving in with him by the end of the year. And they were only living in the same city for two summers (He was there for work), and haven't been in the same place for a year now. I don't think he has any feelings for her, she's not his type and he's never treated me differently when she is around. I was with him the second summer in that city, and he only saw her a handful of times at large social events and never specifically made plans with her, with or without me. I just think she wants him, and he just wants to play dumb cause she's fun at parties and they have things in common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SissyGirl27 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 10 minutes ago, FMW said: You can't. Only he can choose to stop having anything to do with her. Given that she clearly is not supportive of your relationship, and actually appears to have at least at one time actively been trying to cause problems for you, I understand why you want her to be gone. But again, you can't be the one to make that happen. You should make it clear to your boyfriend that you think she is trying to undermine your relationship, regardless of whether he just sees her as a friend or not. Surely he can't be so clueless he doesn't get that. Of course you don't want to admit you went through his phone, so there's only so much you can point to as an example. Ultimatums and trying to control who he can and cannot associate with are not going to work and will only cause problems in a different way for your relationship. Also repeatedly bringing it up will only cause more problems. At this point just keep her on your radar. He knows I went through his phone. I told him when I found those things because I finally had the proof that I had a reason to not like her, and it wasn't all in my head. We've since moved past that and I haven't gone through his phone since. The temptation has definitely been there, but its not the person I want to be, nor something that lends to a happy healthy relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Art.at.Heart Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 You're being way too dismissive of the role your boyfriend has played in all of this. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 She sounds like a wacko. And I don't know what's up with your BF. I had an old school friend try the same thing. He pretended to be a friend, it turned out he was obsessed with me, he got weird, I had to kicked him to the curb. Not sure why your BF hasn't done the same thing....maybe he feels sorry for her, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 hour ago, SissyGirl27 said: I just think she wants him, and he just wants to play dumb cause she's fun at parties and they have things in common. Your boyfriend loves the attention she gives him and that is why he doesn't stop her from contacting him. It is not on her to leave him alone but on your bf to recognize how hurtful the things she says and does is to you. He is the one who should block her and end contact if he cared. He hasn't and it doesn't sound like he's going to. You say you guys have since put this behind you but it doesn't sound like you have agreed to that. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Even if you "got her out of his life for good", there will be other people to take her place, simply because this is a guy who doesn't respect you. Who the hell continues talking to a "friend" who encourages them to cheat on their partner and repeatedly disrespects the partner? All of this says as much about him as it does about her, and the things it says ain't pleasant. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 hour ago, SissyGirl27 said: It got to the point that he would stop telling me when he was hanging out with her because he knew I would get mad. Sorry but what? And you think this is OK? Your boyfriend is the problem here not her - he is letting all this happen, and it looks like he loves the attention she gives him. He should have cut her out of his life a long time ago, but he hasn't. That says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 He has no respect for you. Get this, men who respect / love you will not engage in this type of behaviour. She's already won out over you. He sees her as having more importance in his life than you do. Dump him and don't wait. He's told you everything you need to know about how he feels about YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 His ego is lapping up this catfight you and her are having over him. That means he completely disrespects you but you are so blinded by jealousy, you think she'd the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 hour ago, SissyGirl27 said: Visa issues and now Covid have forced us to be long distance for so long, but I am moving in with him by the end of the year. Another bad move. Going from LDR to living together usually creates more problems then it solves. You relocating to be with him if that's what you want is fine but get your own place. Date conventionally for a while then move in together. I suspect you will get there, find out just how close they still are & how much more important in his life she is & then where will you be? All that work, time & money to straighten out the visa issues. . . will you be able to afford to turn around & move home? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 2 hours ago, SissyGirl27 said: How do I get him to get her out of his life for good and see how she has been a horrible influence in his life and our relationship? You can't get her out of his life. He has made it clear that's not gonna happen.... if it was gonna happen he would have done it by now. This has been going on for a long time. You have to decide whether you are willing to put up with this forever. Your only two options are to accept this situation completely, or to leave him over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) I would suggest excepting it. There will be way harder things to overcome in the future. If you can't except this I think you are destined for overly controlling relationships were you really get cheated on and if you break up over this you won't have what it takes to make a long term relationship work. Also maybe a small step is all you need were he cuts back on talking to her a little bit or apologizes after and gives you a big long hug. See if you can find a compromise somewhere in the middle. Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 More I wanted to say Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 As the others have pointed out, the biggest issue here isn't her - it's your boyfriend. He knows how you feel, he's aware she's said things that hurt you, and yet, he chooses to keep her in his life to some extent. He likes the attention, that much is clear. This is why you can't "get him" to see what a nuisance she is. He's as much a part of the problem as you perceive her to be. You need to reflect on what this all says about him and his priorities. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) On 8/23/2020 at 11:07 AM, SissyGirl27 said: She pulled my hair when she hugged me (I felt her nails scrape my scalp it was awful) And you didn't throw down on her? She'd have drawn back a bloody stump with that move. That was assault. She wants your man, she thinks she can get your man and your man is letting her come between you two. He is your problem. You need to block her on instagram--there is no good reason to allow her to follow you when you know the contempt she has for you and the mischief she is trying to do with your boyfriend's approval---unless you like the drama of goading her. She needs to be kept out of your business and tough beans if she doesn't like it. You're not here for her. Quote How do I get him to get her out of his life for good and see how she has been a horrible influence in his life and our relationship? You can't. As long as your boyfriend allows her to interfere on this level and gives her access to his intimacy, she isn't going anywhere. What needs to happen is that you and he confront her and he tells her in front of you that he's with you, that he's not leaving you and that he will no longer tolerate her badmouthing you or telling him that he needs to break up with you. She needs to be left with no doubt in her mind where she stands as far as he and you are concerned and that he will shut her out for good if she doesn't drop it and move on. When he's done, all 3 of you will know what time it is and no one can twist that truth around into a lie. I seriously doubt he will do this. He likes her attention way too much, despite what he's saying to you. His behavior outs him, because opening up a can of "act right" would put the kibosh on all her messiness. And don't move in with him--you being there isn't going to stop this friendship from developing further or interfering in your relationship. He'll just leave you home and not bring you with him when they go out--then he'll turn it all back on you and tell you he can't take you around his friends because you don't like them and might embarrass him in front of them... and he'll do that because he has yet to take responsibility for giving her her head like he has. Edited August 25, 2020 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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