landho Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 knowing now what you didnt know then, what would you consider the minimum time you would date/live/ get to know your SO before you took the big marriage step? I know that some people think that 6 months is a long time, but these short term dating/marriages seem to have a short shelf life. your opinions are appreciated. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimerical Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I dated my exH for 4 years before getting married. Marriage lasted 3 and a half years. Including a year and a half of hell prior to divorce. I think everyone considers marriage as the "Final Step". People get complacent, take their partner for granted. Theres a power shift after getting married. Both partners understand the other can't just walk out like they could while dating. (A person can still leave, it's just more complicated.) The rules change because of this. There's a dynamic shift, but neither player feels they have the tools to conteract it. No one addresses where the next level is after marriage. Or what that level may be. The fear of losing the person you're with diminishes, it becomes comfortable, and each partner starts taking the other for granted. If there are no goals in life, there can't be any clear cut plans, or motivation, for achieving them. Marriage then becomes "stagnant". And it's been stated, a relationship either grows or declines, but it won't stay stagnant. So why is there never any mention of levels of a relationship beyond marriage? Marriage shouldn't be the "goal". Growth in the relationship should be. So, does Marriage really equal growth? Or simply seen as a way to chain the other person to you? Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 ...I think everyone considers marriage as the "Final Step". People get complacent, take their partner for granted. Theres a power shift after getting married. Both partners understand the other can't just walk out like they could while dating. (A person can still leave, it's just more complicated.) The rules change because of this. There's a dynamic shift, but neither player feels they have the tools to conteract it...... No one addresses where the next level is after marriage. ....And it's been stated, a relationship either grows or declines, but it won't stay stagnant. ........Marriage shouldn't be the "goal". Growth in the relationship should be. So, does Marriage really equal growth? Or simply seen as a way to chain the other person to you? Whew! My thoughts exactly. It's funny how different I look at marriage since my divorce. Now, I *think* I know what to look for, whereas before it was like being blindfolded. And a growth oriented relationship is definitely one thing I look for. To landho - if a person knows what they are looking for, 3 years is minimum. There is a cycle of change and development in an individual every 2 1/2 - 3 1/2 years. You just never really know how to negotiate those stages together (or if you can negotiate them together) unless you've been through at least one already. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I know personally of a couple that dated for 3 years, lived together for 7, then got married, and after 6 months they were separated and later divorced. You just never know... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 It's all vodoo... In Hindsight I wish that I had been engaged at least a year before I had gotten married.. It would've let enough time go by that all the things she was keeping in about herself would've come out.. Like the fact that she 45,000 in credit card debt..I found that out 3 months after we were married.. sometime you never know.. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 It's all vodoo... In Hindsight I wish that I had been engaged at least a year before I had gotten married.. It would've let enough time go by that all the things she was keeping in about herself would've come out.. Like the fact that she 45,000 in credit card debt..I found that out 3 months after we were married.. sometime you never know.. Art - someone on these boards recommended both parties sharing their credit scores and histories prior to marriage. What do you think about this idea? Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 First marriage we dated for 6 years before getting married and lived together for 5 of those years. We seperated 6 months after getting married and divorced with in the year. Current marriage, dated 2 years, 9 month engagment and just pasted the one year mark in July and doing well. So not sure how I feel about your theory but I think there are too many variables and unknowns to group it like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Mrs. Moose and I went on maybe half a dozen dates, and got married. It's been 18 years....... BTW......ART LOOK OUT! THERE'S A FIRE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS MAN! Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 ...Like the fact that she 45,000 in credit card debt..I found that out 3 months after we were married... OY OY OY..! That's a deal-breaker if there ever was one! Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Art - someone on these boards recommended both parties sharing their credit scores and histories prior to marriage. What do you think about this idea? I highly encourage this!! My wife and I did this. You have to know what you are getting into. You don't get married and then have discussions about money, kids or no kids, where you want to live etc. This should all be discussed before getting married no matter how embarrassing it might be for some. You have to know if both of your future plans envolve going in the same direction and if not will you be able to adapt to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Art - someone on these boards recommended both parties sharing their credit scores and histories prior to marriage. What do you think about this idea? To me sharing a credit score would be a great idea.. 20.00 at qspace and 10 mins and you both could sit down and talk about what pops up.. It's funny.. My ex was a fairly large business owner ( Texaco Gas Staion c-store ) So I thought I was in the clear as far as cc debt goes.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 ART LOOK OUT! THERE'S A FIRE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS MAN! ...... Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I highly encourage this!! My wife and I did this. You have to know what you are getting into. You don't get married and then have discussions about money, kids or no kids, where you want to live etc. This should all be discussed before getting married no matter how embarrassing it might be for some. You have to know if both of your future plans envolve going in the same direction and if not will you be able to adapt to that. Tudor - Thanks very much for your comments. Usually these topics don't come up until after dating for a year or more, but some people never think to ask! It's as if they think that because they've got the mental, emotional and physical relationship that the things you mention will naturally follow. It seems a few people here have refered to a quick divorce after dating and living together for several years. Why do you think that happens? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 It seems a few people here have refered to a quick divorce after dating and living together for several years. Why do you think that happens? I'm extremely interested it this question. My fiance and I have been dating for over 5 years and have been living together for about 3 months. I assume that the great relationship we have will continue into the marriage, am I being naive? We do know our respective credit. Actually we just had a long talk about it cause his 0% credit card just sent him a letter saying they were changing their price structure and his new rate will be 29% starting November 1st, 8 months early. Yikes!! Luckily, between the two of us, we can pay it off. Stupid CC companies. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I think too many people don't have the hard discussions because they are afraid of what that might hear. But I think certainly at the point of engagment and no later there needs to some talk about finances, family, schools for kids, house, medical, insurance, etc. The whole kit-in-kaboddle! As far as quick divorces after dating and living together for some time, IMO it is because too many people just think that should be the next step. There may be some pressure from family & friends...the old "when are you two going to finally tie the knot". But I think if you do it for these reasons, as I did, you soon realize that you just a made a life long commetment for all the wrong reasons. It may be that it was all you really knew up until that point if you have been dating from an early age and you slip into the comfort zone. But sooner or later if isn't for the right reasons you will feel it and know it. There are many reasons for the quick divorces and so many virables but I think a large part of it is just doing it because it seems like the next step or there becomes a lull in the relationship and they think if they get married it will take them to a new level and the relationship will revive itself. None of which are reasons to be getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I think too many people don't have the hard discussions because they are afraid of what that might hear. But I think certainly at the point of engagment and no later there needs to some talk about finances, family, schools for kids, house, medical, insurance, etc. The whole kit-in-kaboddle! I totally agree. Actually, I think that you should talk about that stuff BEFORE the egagement. I view engagement as an agreement to get married. So, shouldn't you know what you are agreeing to BEFORE you agree to do it? I wouldn't have been comfortable saying yes when my man popped the question if I didn't know that our futures were compatible. Matter of fact, after the first 2 years, we weren't sure they were. It took another 3 to decide not only that we could work it out, but HOW we will work it out. We are reading this book about questions we should discuss. Sometimes I'm agast at what they have you ask each other. Like, "What are your hobbies?" How in the world could you not know that about each other before hand??? I guess that comes back to the OP. You should date at least long enough to know what the other person does in their spare time!! Link to post Share on other sites
FataMorgana Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 would you consider the minimum time you would date/live/ get to know your SO before you took the big marriage step? what about forever? well that does sound cynical spelled out like this, but why does it have to be a time that everyone just expects you to get married after? why is marriage always the ultimate goal in a reationship, what about just being happy everafter growing up/old together? Link to post Share on other sites
FataMorgana Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 You have to know what you are getting into. You don't get married and then have discussions about money, kids or no kids, where you want to live etc. This should all be discussed before getting married no matter how embarrassing it might be for some. You have to know if both of your future plans envolve going in the same direction and if not will you be able to adapt to that. so true, but this really made me laugh, you saying all this should be discussed before getting married....hey I all get this out of the way before the first month is out....what's the point of wasting any longer than that if as you say, you're not going in the same direction. Maybe I'm getting old and am way toooo direct for a female:p Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 We are reading this book about questions we should discuss. Sometimes I'm agast at what they have you ask each other. Like, "What are your hobbies?" How in the world could you not know that about each other before hand??? I guess that comes back to the OP. You should date at least long enough to know what the other person does in their spare time!! that is funny. Does the book have good questions as well? If so, what book is it? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 that is funny. Does the book have good questions as well? If so, what book is it? Yeah, it's got good questions as well. Some of them are geared toward just getting to know each other better, and others toward what you want in marriage. It's also got questions you are suppossed to ask your parents, friends, future in-laws and spouses friends. We probably won't do all of those, but they do raise some interesting points. The extremely telling name is: Before you say "I Do": Important questions for couples to ask before marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I worked with a lady once who'd been friends with her ex EIGHT YEARS before they even dated. They dated ANOTHER EIGHT YEARS before getting married. After getting married, they were seperated and seeing other people within a year and a half. Go figure Link to post Share on other sites
Tamrick Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 I've heard of one statistic that says engagement 18-24 months after starting to go out usually result in the most successful marriages - because if you take longer you aren't ready to commit and if you take too little time you haven't bothered to get to know the person enough. I do not want to live together before marriage because I have heard that if you do that you are passing a "test" - can we be ok together? If you pass then why should you work on your relationship after marriage - you did ok how you were so why change and that makes for a static relationship. I think you should always be discussing how you want things with your partner and also how things are - children, finances, living conditions, pets, jobs etc etc. If you can't communicate then you shouldn't even be dating let alone getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimerical Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 I've been wondering about the ones where they date for years, and 6 months after marriage are divorced. The only reason I can see that is making any sense is the fact that maybe the relationship was comfortable.[ Kind of like Tudor said: But I think if you do it for these reasons, as I did, you soon realize that you just a made a life long commetment for all the wrong reasons. It may be that it was all you really knew up until that point if you have been dating from an early age and you slip into the comfort zone. But sooner or later if isn't for the right reasons you will feel it and know it. Except maybe these relationships should've ended much earlier, but the problems were less then whatever was being recieved. (Maybe, there wasn't quite enough wrong to warrant breaking the safety net.) To me, marriage added a lot of extra stress and expectations that hadn't been there when living together. Suddenly my comfortable "safety net" turned into a noose. Link to post Share on other sites
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