Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Trying to find someone who is experienced in working thru a tough desision on which girl to pick and understands poly versus mono and all the different feelings that come up Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: Trying to find someone who is experienced in working thru a tough desision on which girl to pick and understands poly versus mono and all the different feelings that come up Try not to pawn off cheating as polyamourous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) It's messy. I was with a girl for five years and we broke up. I though I would never see her again and it was safe to start a new relationship. So I did and it was going well until my ex hit me up one day and eventually was forced to choose between the girls. I choose my ex and then we broke up three months later again. The other girl then took me back after that and the same thing happened again only this time I didn't have sex with my ex but love cheated or cuddle cheated. It's also more complicated because my ex has a kid and I decided to be the dad even though it's not my kid. So presently I'm single but both girls want romance with me. My ex of five years wants a poly with me and my ex of 9 months wants mono with me. Poly feels not so great to me but mono sucks because she wants me to give up the family vibe with my other ex. I offered to give up sex and try to not love but it feels weird to not love. Plus I feel I need to have freedom to be a good parent. They both hate each other although my ex of 8 months had a threesome fantasy with the other ex this morning. She told me about it and also said she doesn't want that in real life Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) I haven't had the drama you're experiencing with these two women, but I've dated two women and had trouble choosing. So I had relationships with both, with their full knowledge and consent. We've done the polyamorous thing a couple of times with different people, and it has worked very well since we all communicate very well and have clear boundaries. It sounds like your two prospects don't want to share, so I guess you'll have to make a choice about who would be a better match in all ways over the long term. If you're only interested in short term, then pick whoever is the most fun to be with. Edited August 23, 2020 by central Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 I think the women getting along is key to navigating thru but so far they havnt been able to. Any advice on how to get them to get along? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Just now, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: I think the women getting along is key to navigating thru but so far they havnt been able to. Any advice on how to get them to get along? Stop cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 I'm doing that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 I being very open and honest to both girls Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 8 minutes ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: I think the women getting along is key to navigating thru but so far they havnt been able to. Any advice on how to get them to get along? They don't need to get along, and they don't need to see each other or hang out together. They do need to be willing to share you with each other, and you need to keep the relationships separate and not tell either of them about each other (except that they are in a relationship with you). Scheduling can be a problem, but only needs to be fair, not necessarily equal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 Thanks man. I think I have been to patient answering questions about the other and letting them obsess about what I am doing with one or the other. They both can go thru my phone whenever they want. My current ex who said let's get back together today is the one having trouble excepting the other girl. She lives closer, is a newer relationship, and also the one I cheated on and broke up with for three months. She is the one asking me to set boundaries with the other girl. Part of me wants to do that so she feels secure but I have a son with the other girl and don't want to mess that up. But I also don't want to let her go. If I go with the girl with my son it's not as fun and I feel empty if that's all I'm left with. I have no marriage future with her and fear eventually she will leave me in the dust for someone else she can marry Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 If you have to pick between these two, I think your only safe option is your ex with the family. Your newer ex DOES NOT want a poly relationship and doesn't want you to continue a romantic/love relationship with your ex - which you say you won't give her. You can't be in a monogamous relationship with anyone if you won't give up your 'family vibe' with your ex. Unless you mean a divorced-but-amicable family vibe, but that's not what it sounds like. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 The family vibe girl doesn't want a monogamous relationship with me and it will tilt on the side of feeling used with some great times mixed in. Eventually I feel I would be left in the dust by her and basically being a used dad while someone else is her main partner and I will feel like a fool for ever messing up the good relationship I could have right now with the other girl Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: I was with a girl for five years and we broke up. It's also more complicated because my ex has a kid and I decided to be the dad even though it's not my kid. Why did you break up after 5 yrs? is the child's father in the picture paying support and visiting? Are you afraid she will go back to or is in some way back with him? The new gf seems to want something you don't. However the former ex also seems to want a stable family life with marriage commitment etc, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) She broke up with me. No the family vibe girl doesn't want to get married and doesn't see me as the future but I always seem to find a way to be important to her. I think she is having A hard time replaceing me because I am the only good dad her son has known and possibly other reasons. It's a risky path that I believe will end bad for me. By bad I mean being a used dad. However it's hard as hell to cut off like the mono girl wants. Also to answer your question I am not concerned about the biological dad but rather the guys she is going on dates with at the moment. I was asked to watch her son while she goes on a date last Friday. I can handle this vibe but it's not my favorite Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: The family vibe girl doesn't want a monogamous relationship with me and it will tilt on the side of feeling used with some great times mixed in. Then you should be with neither. Family Vibe Girl won't give you what you want, and you won't give New Girl what she wants. If you recognize that you're going to feel used by being an arrangement that you don't want, then you have to also realize that New Girl is going to wind up feeling used and mistreated if you force her into a situation that SHE doesn't want. ETA: OR, you can be with Family Vibe Girl and date other polyamorous women. Edited August 23, 2020 by kismetkismet 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) How do you feel about me cutting of family vibe girl for mono girl? I think it's funny because you would think family vibe girl would want mono but she wants poly lol Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 That's also a fair option. If Family Vibe Girl is just keeping you around until she finds something better, that's honestly probably your better option. You just made it sound like you weren't willing to set up boundaries with Family Vibe Girl. You can be in her son's life without continuing a romantic relationship with her (sex or no sex). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) I'm willing it's just extra hard with the son involved. So even if I see him like a divorced couple with great boundaries it's still stressful on mono girl. Especially with the past were i cheated and broke up with her for the very girl I would be watching her kid Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 If you're not capable of maintaining healthy boundaries with the new girl then you have to be honest that you can't give her what she wants and let her go. 1 hour ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: Poly feels not so great to me but mono sucks because she wants me to give up the family vibe with my other ex. I offered to give up sex and try to not love but it feels weird to not love. This is not healthy boundaries ^^^ You're looking for an easy option and there just isn't one. You either set reasonable boundaries with family vibe girl that the new girl is happy with, or you let her go. You can't just force them into a situation that they're not comfortable with and expect the relationship to be happy, peaceful and resentment-free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) Good point. I told family girl I needed boundaries and she agreed. She hates it though and I think she wants to controll me and it worries me some. If she fails at replaceing me I can see her begging me to take her back if I pick mono girl. Or doing something much worse. Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Why not explain to whoever you are dating that you wish to have a relationship with an ex's son. That's better than using all these poly and mono terms. You sound like a bottle of vegetable oil. 🧴 Does the child's father or your ex gf even want you in his life anymore? It sounds like you are having a hard time figuring out what friendzone and cheating is so decided on these unsaturated fat terms to describe this unnecessarily complicated situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) Easy with the oil put downs man haha the biological dad isn't in the picture. I would be picking mono girl easy but the son is making me consider a lonelier life were I lose mono girl and get used by family girl. It's still possible though that mono girl will go poly but only with girls Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: Good point. I told family girl I needed boundaries and she agreed. She hates it though and I think she wants to controll me and it worries me some. If she fails at replaceing me I can see her begging me to take her back if I pick mono girl. Or doing something much worse. Family Vibe girl sounds very manipulative and like she's using her kid to keep you around until she can find something more permanent... It's up to you to set and enforce the boundaries. She can't MAKE you do anything. Tell her you'll see her son alone if she thinks that would be good for him, but that you won't play family anymore. But if you can't control yourself around her, then you really need to either cut her out or let the new girl go. Edited August 23, 2020 by kismetkismet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 I agree unless new girl decides she wants to let me have no boundaries with family girl. I think things are up in the air right now and I have no idea what will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said: I agree unless new girl decides she wants to let me have no boundaries with family girl. I think things are up in the air right now and I have no idea what will happen. Even if she agrees, if it isn't something that she wants then she's going to be unhappy. It will cause conflict and resentment in your relationship and either lead to perpetual turmoil or her leaving you. Link to post Share on other sites
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