Auteur55 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I was married in my twenties and had my daughter whom I love and adore. My first wife got married too young and I wasn’t great in a relationship either she eventually walked out on me and daughter. I stepped up and received full custody and raised my daughter. We moved out West to Utah a few years later and I went about finding a wife so my daughter could have a good mom figure in her life. I met my new wife at 37 and she had one child who was 4 years older then mine. She had a troubled past, had been married 3 times and she walked out on each of them (claims they were all really bad men), had a horribly abusive father in her childhood, had gotten pregnant and given up two kids for adoption. But she had pulled her life together, said she’d had therapy to forgive her father, had a degree in child psychology and seemed like a wonderful person. Plus she was ready for the good guy in her life and was aggressive for us to get married and move in with each other. At first she was great with my daughter as it pertained to structure and discipline which she needed but slowly she seemed to withdrawal in ways from both of us emotionally. My daughter and I were both active and she wanted to stay home and pretty much do nothing. She had bad social anxiety. The sex was bad too. She would do it if she had to you could tell she didn’t enjoy it, was extremely cold and there were times she actively avoided it. By year 4 we hit a tough spot where she seemed to totally withdrawal from us so I kind of did too. That being said we did have some wonderful family moments together and I embraced and loved her daughter. Well Covid hit and I certainly had a hard time with the lockdowns. We had a family trip planned that got cancelled and I had ended up doing a variation of it with my daughter two months later because I was bringing her to her moms in the summer anyway and I needed to get out of the house. No matter how hard I tried my wife wouldn’t plan to come with us she had other things going on with her daughters cheer. So I went. During this trip I got a text from my wife saying marriage was over and she’s moving out. No matter what I said she told me she’d made her mind up and nothing would change it. This was a women who once told me I was the greatest blessing that’s ever happened to her. To shorten this up I convinced her to stay in the home as a roommate so she wouldn’t just abandon me and my child (I thought I could change things when I got home). She agreed but has been nothing but cold to me and my kid since we came home. She has moments where she’s nice, talks to me like nothings happened but it’s clear I’m just a roommate. Overnight I turned into an acquaintance she has no emotion for. I’m extremely bitter. I took a huge chance on her. I feel like this has something to do with her past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’ve been studying emotional detachment disorder and think this may be what’s happening. My life is now in a constant state of despair and misery. I’m so worried about my daughter as well. Anyone have insight into this situation? How are some women able to emotionally disconnect like this? I never got a chance to fix anything, she never told me anything was wrong? I would have changed anything to make her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 Sorry to hear this. how long have you been married? Who owns the house? Do both of you work. Sadly all you can do is get divorced. It seems someone who has been married and divorce 3 times is not an all that glitters situation. How ell did you know her before marrying? It doesn't matter what her issues are, what matters is she clearly has them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FudgeSwirl Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and besides what went on during your marriage, getting a divorce text is just tacky. For me, her disconnect isn't at all surprising judging her previous emotional withdrawals and her lack of enjoyment in sex. Her being married three times before, even if she claims they were bad, also was a flaming red flag. If that first man with whom she was married was really that horrible, it wouldn't be easy for her to marry three more times. Unfortunately, there was nothing for you to fix. She clearly had a lot of issues that she never dealt with and just doesn't seem like the marrying type even if she was aggressive about wanting to move in with you and get married. When people rush like that, that's another red flag. I understand your concern, especially for your daughter. It's not going to be easy of course and you know from already having been divorced before, but you will feel a bit better once you have a plan in place to get divorced. Also be sure to come up with an alternative plan for living arrangements if this "roommate" situation does not pan out amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheaterinchiefv10 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I'm very very sorry to hear this!! Your problems make mine seem like nothing. You seem like a great dude raising your daughter on your own. And honestly focus on her it seems. She is the one awesome thing in all this. You have lost lots of women but your daughter is more important then all of them. It's not your fault these women can't do the right thing. You seem attached to someone that doesn't deserve you. You don't want to be alone obviously so you are putting up with abuse from her. Some good news is it's easier to be happy alone then with a cold Gf. Once you can get her power over you out of your life it will be easy to be happy. You have an amazing daughter and many people never get to experience that!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auteur55 Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear this. how long have you been married? Who owns the house? Do both of you work. Sadly all you can do is get divorced. It seems someone who has been married and divorce 3 times is not an all that glitters situation. How ell did you know her before marrying? It doesn't matter what her issues are, what matters is she clearly has them. We would be approaching our 5 year anniversary. We rent the home. I almost bought it in Feb per her request thank goodness I didn’t. We both work she’s a teacher. Just 7 months ago we completely redid this place, put pics of our family up and discussed what we would do in the future. I cannot believe how fast she changed I am so blindsided. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 You made a bad decision with her. The end. All you can do is move along without her. You can't try to save her. She was like this (see three prior marriages) before your even met her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Auteur55 said: I went about finding a wife so my daughter could have a good mom figure in her life. <snip> At first she was great with my daughter as it pertained to structure and discipline which she needed but slowly she seemed to withdrawal in ways from both of us emotionally. You looked for a woman who would parent your daughter for you. Who would do your role of creating structure and discipline. Not for love, but for the services she could offer. Nothing in any of this post regarding how much you loved her or even cared for her. She was just there to provide practical improvements to your life. Also, why did you move to Utah to find a new mother? No surprise this crashed and burned. Edited August 24, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 5 hours ago, Auteur55 said: We would be approaching our 5 year anniversary. We rent the home. I almost bought it in Feb per her request thank goodness I didn’t. We both work she’s a teacher. Just 7 months ago we completely redid this place, put pics of our family up and discussed what we would do in the future. I cannot believe how fast she changed I am so blindsided. Yes, be glad she can move out. That way you and your child can live in peace. Consult an attorney asap. Don't try to reconcile and don't get blindsided again. She may already have husbands # 4,5,6 lined up. Run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Auteur55 Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, basil67 said: You looked for a woman who would parent your daughter for you. Who would do your role of creating structure and discipline. Not for love, but for the services she could offer. Nothing in any of this post regarding how much you loved her or even cared for her. She was just there to provide practical improvements to your life. Also, why did you move to Utah to find a new mother? No surprise this crashed and burned. Not at all I wanted a good female role model which is healthy for kids development. I was great with some things and she was great some things one was helping with a good routine for her. We were co-parents I simply wanted a good person in her life. I love my wife to death and still do even after she has done this. It has been a horrible loss to me I feel like I’m losing my family for the second time. Sorry if it was poor communication but I think you’ve misread my post. We moved to Utah to start a new life. Edited August 24, 2020 by Auteur55 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 On 8/24/2020 at 4:44 PM, Auteur55 said: Not at all I wanted a good female role model which is healthy for kids development. I was great with some things and she was great some things one was helping with a good routine for her. We were co-parents I simply wanted a good person in her life. I love my wife to death and still do even after she has done this. It has been a horrible loss to me I feel like I’m losing my family for the second time. Sorry if it was poor communication but I think you’ve misread my post. We moved to Utah to start a new life. The next woman you would find make sure that she has a clean past and is willing to have a child with you. Also the woman must satisfy your needs besides being a female role model. Don't put all the weight there. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 OP, sorry you're dealing with this. One thing that this thread reminds me of is that the quarantine is really hitting relationships hard. It's putting couples in positions they never imagined being in, and it affects each couple differently. Is there a way you could convince her to slow things down and get counseling? Would you even want to try? Link to post Share on other sites
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