Ex Girlfriend Acts Cold

[SeattleJosh]

So I find myself in an interesting situation. Basically i'm in a fresh breakup right now. My girlfriend was pretty hardcore into me for awhile and eventually we began to date. We went into this knowing each other really well and being super close friends before hand. During the relationship we were super close as well. Then suddenly she tells me that she is going to move across the country and that we should be friends. It sucks but I can't do anything about it so I agree.

The first couple of days she was pretty talkative, like we had always been before. But shes quickly grown to be rather short and gives me the cold shoulder frequently rather than engages in talk. The other day for example, she mentioned that she was going to work on her truck. I offered to help if she needed a spare hand, her responses were robotic in nature and such. She mainly reads my Facebook messages and rarely responds. 

When we were friends before, she always stressed that if shes slow to respond its usually because shes busy and she said to keep messaging her if she does because it shows that I care and want to talk too. Out of curiosity, I asked a few mutual friends if she was quiet with them or talking normally and she was engaging in normal conversation with them while seemingly ignoring me. Now i'm somewhat confused about how to approach this.

Is it possible that she still has feelings and shes having difficulty with her decision about needing to move away so shes being distant? Could she possibly be angry at me over some unforeseen issue that I am unaware of? Or is this friendship that has been incredible over the last few years in jeopardy? Normally i'd just continue to message her a bunch but with the added dynamic of the breakup a month ago I am unsure how to approach this because of my own personal bias.

Shes due to leave in November so I have a sense of urgency because I was hoping to hang out with her one or two more times before she goes away and I possibly never see her again. I'd of gone with her to relocate but I never floated the idea either. I'm just not sure what to do here with this situation so was hoping someone could give a little insight about her possible mental state. 

Shes got a big heart but after abusive relationships before me, while shes usually very strong she can be very fragile at times too. I don't want to anger her or risk losing this friendship, its bad enough I lost her as a partner.

[gamon]

I don't think whatever friendship that remains is in jeopardy. I think it's over. She's almost completely disconnected.

[FudgeSwirl]

If she really is breaking up with you because she does not want to pursue a long distance relationship with you after she moves across the country in a few months, I would imagine there is a lot going through her head right now.  She could be upset knowing how this decision would mean you would have to hurt in the end, her frustration over the fact that being with you won't be feasible after the move, and other stresses relating to the move. 

It's really hard right now to determine if you will have at least a semblance of the same friendship you had maintained before dating.  Only time will tell so I think you are doing the right thing by giving her some space while she processes the end of your relationship among possibly the other aforementioned things.  Since you messaged her, the ball is in her court to communicate back.  She's being more chatty with everybody else because relationship-wise, things have remained the same for them though the move may change even those friendships.

You had mentioned you never floated the idea of moving with her.  I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but maybe she is upset after learning she was moving you never broached the topic.  If relocating with her is something you are seriously considering to for the sake of your relationship then that's something you need to bring up to her after giving her some space.  You would have nothing to lose in doing so.

[SeattleJosh]

1 hour ago, FudgeSwirl said:

If she really is breaking up with you because she does not want to pursue a long distance relationship with you after she moves across the country in a few months, I would imagine there is a lot going through her head right now.  She could be upset knowing how this decision would mean you would have to hurt in the end, her frustration over the fact that being with you won't be feasible after the move, and other stresses relating to the move. 

It's really hard right now to determine if you will have at least a semblance of the same friendship you had maintained before dating.  Only time will tell so I think you are doing the right thing by giving her some space while she processes the end of your relationship among possibly the other aforementioned things.  Since you messaged her, the ball is in her court to communicate back.  She's being more chatty with everybody else because relationship-wise, things have remained the same for them though the move may change even those friendships.

You had mentioned you never floated the idea of moving with her.  I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but maybe she is upset after learning she was moving you never broached the topic.  If relocating with her is something you are seriously considering to for the sake of your relationship then that's something you need to bring up to her after giving her some space.  You would have nothing to lose in doing so.

We are both very intense lovers and a long distance relationship would be a very difficult situation. Truthfully, she is the first woman I have been with who I would be willing to pickup and relocate with zero doubts if she was mutually interested in having me join her on that journey. I'm self employed and have savings. It would be a matter of getting new professional licenses down there while maintaining my current ones up here, not too difficult. I can see where you're coming from in your response so I was thinking about putting together a message to send her on Facebook:

"Hey! I just want to throw it out there that you should consider letting me go with you when you move. I'd definitely be 100% down for relocation. Just wanted to get that out there before I get to bed. Hope you had a good day! Sleep well whenever you pass out."

I figure that message is throwing the idea out there for consideration, its sort of neutral in approach and gets my willingness across. The whole bed thing gives an opportunity for her to feel not obligated to respond but rather sit and think on it while I back off and give her some space. If I should adjust the message a little let me know but its pretty short, sweet and to the point in a laid back manner I think.

[FudgeSwirl]

1 hour ago, SeattleJosh said:

We are both very intense lovers and a long distance relationship would be a very difficult situation. Truthfully, she is the first woman I have been with who I would be willing to pickup and relocate with zero doubts if she was mutually interested in having me join her on that journey. I'm self employed and have savings. It would be a matter of getting new professional licenses down there while maintaining my current ones up here, not too difficult. I can see where you're coming from in your response so I was thinking about putting together a message to send her on Facebook:

"Hey! I just want to throw it out there that you should consider letting me go with you when you move. I'd definitely be 100% down for relocation. Just wanted to get that out there before I get to bed. Hope you had a good day! Sleep well whenever you pass out."

I figure that message is throwing the idea out there for consideration, its sort of neutral in approach and gets my willingness across. The whole bed thing gives an opportunity for her to feel not obligated to respond but rather sit and think on it while I back off and give her some space. If I should adjust the message a little let me know but its pretty short, sweet and to the point in a laid back manner I think.

 

I like that you kept the message cordial, to the point, and without pressure.  I hope after thinking about it that she acknowledges your message if not provide a more depth response or at least say, "Hey, let's meet and talk about this."

That's great that a move anywhere would be easy for you is she considers and accepts your offer to move with her to pursue your relationship.  It shows you really love her as not many people, including ones like you where a relocation would be easy, would leave a place they know so well behind along with family and friends.

[schlumpy]

Why is she moving?

I was going to suggest that you offer to follow her. It would be a huge statement about your feelings for her and if she declines it would also tell you everything you need to know about her feelings for you. You don't want to be at a disadvantage where you feel more for her then she does for you. Not a good place to be in.

It may be what she is waiting for you to suggest this but maybe not.

A shot in the dark sometimes hits the mark.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SeattleJosh said:

I was thinking about putting together a message to send her on Facebook:

"Hey! I just want to throw it out there that you should consider letting me go with you when you move. I'd definitely be 100% down for relocation. Just wanted to get that out there before I get to bed. Hope you had a good day! Sleep well whenever you pass out."

Only do this if you can handle more silence or a neutral/negative response. She might respond in the affirmative, as anything is possible, but prepare yourself for the alternatives. How will it feel if she says nothing at all for a few days? Or a polite, "thanks, but no thanks"? Something to reflect on before you hit "send." 

I think if she had wanted you to go with her, she would have at least floated the idea before breaking up with you. How long did you date?

[d0nnivain]

She's being cold because she needs to protect her own heart.  If she takes you up on your offer to relocate, fine but if she doesn't you need to go NC for your own healing.  

[SeattleJosh]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Why is she moving?

I was going to suggest that you offer to follow her. It would be a huge statement about your feelings for her and if she declines it would also tell you everything you need to know about her feelings for you. You don't want to be at a disadvantage where you feel more for her then she does for you. Not a good place to be in.

It may be what she is waiting for you to suggest this but maybe not.

A shot in the dark sometimes hits the mark.

Our talk on it was brief, mainly because I wanted to do it in person but given how distant shes become suddenly, that conversation seems less likely to happen for more depth however she cited that she wanted to be closer to her family. More specifically, her mother whom she has had a strong bond with. Her mother misses her terribly. Over the time she and I have known each other, she has never directly or indirectly mentioned any plans on leaving the state. Shes typically a very blunt person as well, which is why I suspect that this decision she made was last minute. I do know however shes been feeling burnt out with this area, but truthfully as a lifetime resident I have felt burnt out here for awhile myself.

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She's being cold because she needs to protect her own heart.  If she takes you up on your offer to relocate, fine but if she doesn't you need to go NC for your own healing.  

After making this post last night, I spoke to a mutual friend of ours. He told me essentially that I should stop messaging her and give her space but he did agree that I should float the idea that i'd be willing to relocate in an open ended manner, such as what I posted above. His view was, if shes talking to me then I can comment on her Facebook posts (she isn't making them much lately), but if shes unresponsive then just do like reacts to show her i'm still around but leave her be. Thoughts? 

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Only do this if you can handle more silence or a neutral/negative response. She might respond in the affirmative, as anything is possible, but prepare yourself for the alternatives. How will it feel if she says nothing at all for a few days? Or a polite, "thanks, but no thanks"? Something to reflect on before you hit "send." 

I think if she had wanted you to go with her, she would have at least floated the idea before breaking up with you. How long did you date?

On the record, we dated for about six months. However off the record, we dated for about a year prior to making things 'Facebook Official'. We were essentially an item without the formal title for awhile. 

While what you say makes sense about the wanting me to go thing, we never did discuss anything about moving out of state before. I did at one point mention to her that i'd like to get out of here someday but I offered no timeline or follow up to that remark. Its possible that she may be under the belief that I would not have been willing or able to relocate. She is aware that I have an established business here with an office and some good clients, so in her mind I may have been unwilling to uproot and go or she might have figured it would have been too much of an inconvenience for me.

To give you some perspective, she is very much a giver but she finds it odd when someone gives back. Shes willing to go out of her way for you but she finds it odd when someone is willing to do the same for her and it can make her a little uncomfortable because she isn't used to having that from someone. She is a very smart woman who has been through a bit in the past. Shes got a very big heart and while shes strong, at times she can be fragile too. Unfortunately shes the product of an abusive father, an abusive ex husband and some crappy boyfriends.

All I can do is speculate though based on what I know about her, but I do have my own personal bias within that speculation as well which is why I came here because neutral insight helps open my mind up a bit more if that makes sense.

[SeattleJosh]

10 hours ago, FudgeSwirl said:

 

I like that you kept the message cordial, to the point, and without pressure.  I hope after thinking about it that she acknowledges your message if not provide a more depth response or at least say, "Hey, let's meet and talk about this."

That's great that a move anywhere would be easy for you is she considers and accepts your offer to move with her to pursue your relationship.  It shows you really love her as not many people, including ones like you where a relocation would be easy, would leave a place they know so well behind along with family and friends.

The toughest part I face right now is while there was the decision to be just friends, I haven't had the opportunity to really pick her brain in depth for a better understanding about her perspectives. This needed to be done in person but with how distant shes become, it seems unlikely i'll get much chance to possibly do that before she leaves so laying it out on the table for consideration seemed like the second best choice. 

Obviously I want to go with her, if she agrees with that idea and is 100% confident in that plan. But her reaction to this, if she provides any at all, would be revealing about where she stood about things too. If she ends up unwilling then maybe time apart will heal things and who knows, maybe down the road when things are normal we could revisit things even if I end up down there someday. 

If she ends up not interested in that idea, i'll be exploring the idea of moving out of this area within the next year or two or possibly just joining the Army instead. Her reactions and input will essentially determine whatever path I choose to walk next. 

[rjc149]

Generally speaking, when a man up-ends his life and relocates in order to pursue a relationship with a woman, this will often totally kill her attraction for him. Why? This demonstrates key personality traits that turn a lot of women off -- neediness, clinginess, placing her value higher than your own, dependence, need for approval from women, need for security from women, etc. 

A confident, high-value man with abundant options with women would be sad to see her go, and hopefully, cherish the memories he formed with her. But he accepts that saying goodbye is a part of life. He carries on with his own life and forms new relationships, new memories, because he knows the next great girl is always around the corner. 

A man should not follow a woman. He is the leader. If she agrees to continue a relationship upon you relocating to her city, count on her dumping you within 3-6 months. Probably a 90% likelihood. I would wish her the best, let go, and move on. If she reappears in your life down the road, take it from there. 

Or, you can also listen to the other posters here calling this PUA advice and to follow this girl to the ends of the earth, trying to lock her down, because it's "romantic." See how it works out for  you. 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, SeattleJosh said:

The toughest part I face right now is while there was the decision to be just friends, I haven't had the opportunity to really pick her brain in depth for a better understanding about her perspectives. This needed to be done in person but with how distant shes become, it seems unlikely i'll get much chance to possibly do that before she leaves so laying it out on the table for consideration seemed like the second best choice. 

Obviously I want to go with her, if she agrees with that idea and is 100% confident in that plan. But her reaction to this, if she provides any at all, would be revealing about where she stood about things too. If she ends up unwilling then maybe time apart will heal things and who knows, maybe down the road when things are normal we could revisit things even if I end up down there someday. 

If she ends up not interested in that idea, i'll be exploring the idea of moving out of this area within the next year or two or possibly just joining the Army instead. Her reactions and input will essentially determine whatever path I choose to walk next. 

You have to think about your own life here too. Everything you'd be giving up: friends, job stability, shelter stability, your social network, your job network. Are you willing to risk none of that being available to you if you follow her across the country? 

It's extremely risky to move "for" someone when your relationship is not well-defined, or established. You haven't dated her that long (6 months, previously 1 year ??) and you haven't established that you are both 100% committed to being with each other long-distance. If you can't date long distance, then you shouldn't follow her because I think you would be setting yourself up for major disappointment all around. 

I think that it's more sensible, or reasonable, to move together if you are both committed to being in a long-term relationship with each other; live together, plans for marriage eventually. If you move now, you're doing it on a whim which is not wise. 

 

[mark clemson]

It's very hard to be "friends" with Ex's, for a variety of reasons.

IMO, unless you're in a fully committed LT relationship, such as a marriage, moving out of town to follow a partner is a fool's game at best. In that case, the tenor of the conversation would have been "can we move, how do we work this?", not "I have to move," from the very start. The "I have to move, so we need to break up" approach taken on this is probably a BIG tell on where you really stand in this.

Following her might work out, but we see posts here occasionally from folks who did this and were then left high and dry in a locale they are very unhappy with.

I suspect that could easily happen to you. IMO the course of wisdom here is to let her go, process your feelings, and eventually move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just to better understand the context, why did you two date for a full year before ever becoming official? 

That’s quite a long time. What was preventing this from moving forward until a year had passed?

 

[SeattleJosh]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

You have to think about your own life here too. Everything you'd be giving up: friends, job stability, shelter stability, your social network, your job network. Are you willing to risk none of that being available to you if you follow her across the country? 

It's extremely risky to move "for" someone when your relationship is not well-defined, or established. You haven't dated her that long (6 months, previously 1 year ??) and you haven't established that you are both 100% committed to being with each other long-distance. If you can't date long distance, then you shouldn't follow her because I think you would be setting yourself up for major disappointment all around. 

I think that it's more sensible, or reasonable, to move together if you are both committed to being in a long-term relationship with each other; live together, plans for marriage eventually. If you move now, you're doing it on a whim which is not wise. 

 

I was already burnt out with it around here and prior to meeting her, had initially been searching for places to move. When she caught my eye, those plans went on hold because she was different to me. So realistically, I had already intended on leaving here regardless. Where she is moving to was also part of my short list for places to relocate and start fresh in as well ironically. Well, she will be a one hour drive from there, which isn't a big deal because I typically drive about a couple hours a day for work due to traffic here anyways. Originally I planned on moving out of state in 2010 however some family obligations suddenly popped up and I opted to remain here to be supportive. I also have a small network in the general vicinity where she is going, if it was to actually reach that point. 

 

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just to better understand the context, why did you two date for a full year before ever becoming official? 

That’s quite a long time. What was preventing this from moving forward until a year had passed?

 

We just considered ourselves boyfriend / girlfriend during that year period however someone brought it up that we needed to make it 'Facebook official', which is when it was technically formalized with an actual date to it if that makes sense. We never formally did the "will you be my girlfriend" question, we just started calling each other that one day basically until we did the Facebook thing.

People knew we were together and generally never questioned anything. 

 

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

It's very hard to be "friends" with Ex's, for a variety of reasons.

IMO, unless you're in a fully committed LT relationship, such as a marriage, moving out of town to follow a partner is a fool's game at best. In that case, the tenor of the conversation would have been "can we move, how do we work this?", not "I have to move," from the very start. The "I have to move, so we need to break up" approach taken on this is probably a BIG tell on where you really stand in this.

Following her might work out, but we see posts here occasionally from folks who did this and were then left high and dry in a locale they are very unhappy with.

I suspect that could easily happen to you. IMO the course of wisdom here is to let her go, process your feelings, and eventually move on.

I'm neutral friends with most with the exception of two.

My first girlfriend is one of my closest friends. We were best friends before dating, best friends while we dated and we remain good friends to this day. I went to her wedding last year about a 9 hour drive away. Her husband is a good guy, he and I are friends as well. Whenever I travel into their area for work, I usually will stop by and grab dinner with them or some other friends out in that area. I do have one ex that I am not on speaking terms with. Mainly because she cheated on me with a felon and domestic abuser, then when that ended she came back for friendship but quickly revealed the intention was to try to milk me for rent money so that ended pretty fast. Since I wasn't giving her anything, she chose to not speak to me, ha.

I see where you're coming from but part of the issue is I think that she also assumed that since I have an established business here that i'd be unwilling to move. She knows that I had previously desired to relocate, but that was never talked on in detail because she told me that she was glad that I stayed otherwise she would have never met me. For example, she also knows I have an office, but she doesn't know that I am not on a lease or contractual agreement to remain there anymore. She was the main reason why I stayed here in the first place, but she isn't aware of that either. That just has never been a topic we really discussed.

Bringing up the moving together is a double edged sword and serves two purposes. It presents an opportunity to show her that I am actually able and willing to go with her, but it also presents an opportunity to be more pointed and give me some type of resolution as well on where she formally stands. 

[mark clemson]

Do what you think is best. Closing up shop as well in order to follow her sounds like a BIG gamble to me (in addition to the gamble on the relationship itself), unless you've done the market research and know the area to be moved to is a good one for your type of business (and even then it still is, really).

Caveat - I'm really not one to give advice as far as a small biz is concerned, so take what I've said with that big grain of salt.