Haerts Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 Hey guys, so I met someone about 2 months ago and everything's been wonderful so far. It's recent but I can tell he's a great guy, plus we have so much in common that it's like dating the male version of me, which has always been something I've always wanted. About 2 weeks ago we made it official, we'd been seeing each other very frequently and were not seeing anyone else so yeah. Despite it being very recent, I'm already having this very strong insecure feelings which I don't know how to deal with. I'm quite sure it is happening because of my previous (and first) relationship of 4 years. There were lots of fighting, lying and cheating (first I found out he was cheating, then I started to cheat too). It was a mess. I developed some bad anxiety problems because of that relationship, and I started to have anxiety attacks quite often too. I feel like making it official with this guy triggered something in me, as I had been feeling completely fine ever since I broke up with my ex. It's been 2 years now and the day I broke up with him, I just felt so relieved and happy overall, that I basically didn't even grieve. I thought I was more than ready for a relationship and now I just feel insecure all the time. Like a couple days ago, he went out with his friends at night and that drove me crazy thinking that he could be cheating. Today I sent him a message and he didn't receive it because his phone had died, but in my mind maybe he turned off his phone and was cheating on me. Both these situations occurred while I was with my ex, except he was indeed cheating (I found out later). There were other times I felt suspicious too, even before we were official, and it turned out I was just being paranoid. I know it's insane and I know that there's something wrong with me. I like this relationship with this guy so far and I've talked to him about this issue before, but I don't wanna talk about this all the time, even though he was very supportive and said we can talk anytime I feel this way and that he never cheated and never would cheat. I cannot afford therapy at the moment so I'd like to know if there's anyone that's been through this and if you have any suggestion of what I could do to stop feeling this way... I've felt this way about pretty much every guy who I had some feelings for after my ex too. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 Have you consulted a doctor about your anxiety? You don't seem ready to date anyone. Don't have sex if you get this attached and paranoid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 You could try some temporary chemical help. Go talk to your doctor. There are self-help books until you can get some money together for therapy. It could be that these feeling will diminish as you age. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 Learn some techniques about calming yourself during an anxiety attack: Good self talk -- just because your EX cheated doesn't mean this guy is cheating. They are different people. Take a deep breath & exhale for 4 seconds. Do this repeatedly until you feel your heart stop racing. when we get anxious receptors in the lungs are triggered & think you don't have enough air so they speed everything up. So taking these deep breaths helps. Use the countdown method: focus on 5 things you can see; 4 things you can hear; 3 things you can touch; 2 things you can smell & 1 thing you can taste. Doing this will force your brain to concentrate on tangible things not just worry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 I agree with D0nnivian, you just have to retrain your brain. Also keeping busy, diverting your energy is a good way to deal with it. Think about all the positive things about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) Quote I've felt this way about pretty much every guy who I had some feelings for after my ex too. You aren't emotionally ready to move on into a new relationship. You still have emotional baggage you haven't sorted from the last relationship and you're going to end up ruining this one because you're already trying to make this new guy unpack and sort what isn't his to sort---and that's not fair. Edited August 25, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haerts Posted August 26, 2020 Author Share Posted August 26, 2020 On 8/24/2020 at 11:35 PM, d0nnivain said: Learn some techniques about calming yourself during an anxiety attack: Good self talk -- just because your EX cheated doesn't mean this guy is cheating. They are different people. Take a deep breath & exhale for 4 seconds. Do this repeatedly until you feel your heart stop racing. when we get anxious receptors in the lungs are triggered & think you don't have enough air so they speed everything up. So taking these deep breaths helps. Use the countdown method: focus on 5 things you can see; 4 things you can hear; 3 things you can touch; 2 things you can smell & 1 thing you can taste. Doing this will force your brain to concentrate on tangible things not just worry. Thank you so much! I have a few notes with these tips on the wall now for whenever I feel like an anxiety attack is coming again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Haerts Posted August 26, 2020 Author Share Posted August 26, 2020 15 hours ago, kendahke said: You aren't emotionally ready to move on into a new relationship. You still have emotional baggage you haven't sorted from the last relationship and you're going to end up ruining this one because you're already trying to make this new guy unpack and sort what isn't his to sort---and that's not fair. But that's what I don't understand. I honestly thought I was ready for a new relationship, I had never been so happy my whole life being single and I also have no emotional strings with my ex, at all. There was absolutely nothing stressing me out and my life overall is pretty good. And he's such a great guy, he listens to me and is so understanding. I will try to deal with it by myself first, so I don't put him in a bad position. Hopefully I can manage to do it without having to break up, or without destroying this relationship with old emotional baggage... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 On 8/24/2020 at 10:53 AM, Haerts said: Like a couple days ago, he went out with his friends at night and that drove me crazy thinking that he could be cheating. Today I sent him a message and he didn't receive it because his phone had died, but in my mind maybe he turned off his phone and was cheating on me. Both these situations occurred while I was with my ex, except he was indeed cheating (I found out later). Ok, but it is hardly surprising you were triggered. He went out with his friends and his phone died, and as you have correctly identified that is the oldest cheating trick in the book.. So far from having "nonsensical" anxiety you are anxious for a very good reason. Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not talking about you... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) If he so far has done nothing to support your paranoia, then dont' assign that to him... that's a jaded view to have of someone if they've never done anything to warrant that judgement of them. My phone has started dying within 20 minutes if it's not on a power source--that doesn't mean I'm running a game down on my boyfriend. It just means I need a new phone. Edited August 26, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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