I begged my ex to come back. She gave me the cold shoulder and laid down the law.

[html5lffy]

Hey,

Me (20M) and my ex (20F) broke up last Tuesday 10 month relationship. Hasn’t even been a week yet. The nights before she broke up with me we got into a fight over my finances. I told her about a possible multi-thousand dollar bonus at my job. And she wanted to tell me not to spend it. Criticizing me like always I thought. I got mad. This fight lasted a few days before the breakup. 

she texted me the breakup message. I was hurt waking up to it. She tried calling me 3 times but yet again, I fell asleep without saying goodnight. She said she was very sorry for doing it over text (I said I prefer text earlier in the relationship - I really thought I would have.) She then, later that day wanted to say goodbye one last time. She said beforehand - if I cry I’m sorry. It’s been a tough day for me. I said I had gotten my crying done with this morning.
 

I show up, and she says hey, we talk about the relationship. Talk about how she is going to miss me. We’re both crying at this point. We hug several times. When I really break down she hugs me tight. She said “you’ll find someone whose better for you than me,” “it’s a personality clash” “I’m sorry but it’s final.” She recommended NC to help us both heal. I said I couldn’t do that- I had no one else to talk to. 
 

The next day I couldn’t sleep. (Still have 3-4 hour nights of sleep & haven’t eaten since Tuesday.) I wrote a long letter expressing my love to her and apologizing for always acting cold with her when she just wanted to feel appreciated and loved. She left my house several times crying. Sometimes I’d go out there to comfort her - and like a dumbass, other times I’d let her leave. She started crying when she heard me reading the letter. I was crying, too. Hard. She said that she really appreciated hearing all of that and didn’t know how passionate I was about her. She then said, what’s done is done... I’ve made my mind up - we cannot get back together and will not either. The same day we text and I say - I really need to go NC to get over you. She said she understood and that she was here anytime to talk if I needed help - and that she was sorry. She wanted me to find mental peace and move on. Later that night, 4 hours later she said “how are you holding up?” I told her the truth - terribly. She said she was feeling sad. It’s hard to forget the good times. She asked if we could call that night and said it was probably a bad idea. 
 

later that night we call for 4 hours. Talking about everything other than the relationship. We even flirted a tiny bit. She said she had to go because she needed to wake up in 4 hours. Later that next day she said that she couldn’t keep talking to me. She said it felt like we were still dating. She was conflicted breaking up with me - and now was considering getting back together with me. She felt appreciated last night she said. I was upset and asked if we could meet up - and she was kind. She kept saying no sorry  and telling me that we cannot get back together. No matter what I say will change her mind and that she doesn’t want to see me because it’ll open everything back up. 
 

the same evening I asked if we could call. I told her how much I had changed. I wasn’t cold anymore, or playing games. I didn’t realize I loved her until she was gone. She let me keep talking for 3 hours. We discussed what I would have done differently. I said I would have planned special dates with candles watching the sunset, bringing her flowers, writing random paragraphs to her expressing my love and care. She started crying and I said “oh no, I will stop if you want. I don’t want to hurt you anymore”

”No, keep going” and I just said everything I would have done. 
 

she was sobbing. She said “that’s all I ever wanted. Now that I’m gone you do all of these things and say them. I didn’t even know you were capable of any of that. 
 

I told her in the beginning of the relationship I didn’t treat her as a person - she knew this. Then as time progressed and we started dating I resented the fact we were dating because I felt pressured to date her. (She wanted me to ask her out for awhile) and I felt I was losing freedom. As time progressed - I never really lost that resentment. I didn’t realize I was growing attached to her. I knew I really liked her but I didn’t know how much in love I was until we were done.  She ended the conversation saying “I feel such a sense of relief - like weight has been taken off of my back. If I’m honest with you - I don’t see us ever getting back together. I fell out of love with you months ago and have no feelings anymore for you. I am sorry but please respect this - this is also hard for me. Especially seeing how you’ve taken it.”
 

the next day I said “ I want to bring you your things and drop them off”  she was working down the road from me that day and she said “what time are you off of work?” And it was an hour difference. She told me she could just grab the stuff at my work. I agreed thinking - this is good. She wants to see me. Earlier that morning I went out & spent $200. I needed to prove to her I changed and could show love and affection. I planned a date watching the sunset. I bought a comforter, pillows, candles, water, juice, sweets, strawberries, a meat platter, a cooler & a basket. I don’t know why I did any of this. 
 

we meet up for the final time at my work. She parked way away from my car. I leave the building and started walking toward my car - I didn’t know that she was there. She yelled “Noah I’m over here”. So I go over and she was cold as ice. I said hi, she said hi...I said my car is over there with everything. We stand there for 30 seconds in silence. She was saying “sooo....do you want to get in my car?” And was super hesitant. I said yes. We got in. I asked how work was. “Good,” she replied. Nothing else. We get to my car and I grab her stuff. I bring it to her. I ask if she had a minute to talk. “Sure.” She’s cold, turning away from me the entire time and not making eye contact - looking out ahead. 

I said, “I have something important to show you. Meet me here at 7” and she said “I’m not meeting up with you, Noah. Please realize this. What did you do? Why there?” I was holding her hand and during this she held on tighter  I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and not respecting her decision. She wasn’t happy in the relationship for a lot of it because I never showed any emotion  there was a barrier between us.

I told her about the surprise date I planned. She said no. I told her everything and she kept insisting, no. I told her ok fine. I’ll be there if you decide to show up anyways. I have her location - she never even left her house. Myself, I never showed up. She was so cold. In the end we started arguing about this and she said “Great, were ending on an argument like usual.” Was super upset with me. I asked if we should hug. She reached her arm out and I said - no - only if you want to. If you’re not comfortable that’s fine. She wanted to hug still. It was a looser hug that lasted maybe 5 seconds. “This is where we say goodbye.” I left and went to my car to grab her birthday card I hand made. She read it and rolled her eyes and let out a laugh almost. I said she didn’t need to keep it. She kept it anyways, I think. i left for good after and went to my car to relax before going back to work. As I got into my car I looked over and she was watching me. 
 

the next day, (yesterday) I asked her if she still had feelings for her ex. I asked for two reasons. 1) she had a photo flipped upside down in her room when I went over for the first time around a month ago (Indian parents - super strict.) I picked it up and she ran over and said no! It was her and her ex. She took it out ripped it up and said I am sorry. I like the frame and it’s been upside down for so long I forgot about it. I let it go, but it did hurt a little. 
 

then one of the mornings we talked after breakup, she said guess who texted me when I was reading the reply to the breakup text. It was her ex. She said it was small talk and that she wasn’t interested. 
 

she reiterated this all when we texted yesterday. 
 

she got upset saying there’s no reason to ask. She didn’t have feelings and didn’t appreciate me asking. She said I was being aggressive and thought I went from grief to anger in the breakup stage. She then said that she cares for me - and wants to help me get through this breakup but the only way to do that is stick to no contact. she also said that she thought I was being 100% genuine in all the post-breakup messages I’ve sent and stuff I said to her. She felt like it was just a ploy to get her back. I told her no way - I literally haven’t slept or had anything to eat in days. How could I not be genuine? “From here on out I will not be replying to your texts.” I left it at that. 
 

I know I committed the cardinal sin of begging and pleading - but in my case of her feeling unappreciated I thought this WAS the way to go. It wasn’t unfortunately. I accept she’s probably gone now. 
 

So, what can I do to fix this? I haven’t cried for a few days but still cannot eat or sleep. I’ve lost almost 15lbs. I know I messed up. I probably could have gotten her back if I played it cool. I’m sticking to NC for the next month. In 30 days I plan on sending a formal apology for everything I have put her through - especially in the breakup. 
 

Do you think I have any chance at all in reconciliation?

 

thanks for reading... I know it is a lot
 

 

[html5lffy]

Oh and I stopped sharing location and blocked all social media. I told her I was going to block her several times and she wanted me to stop saying that. I told her it was to help me move on. She didn’t stop sharing her location. 
 

I didn’t block her number in case she ever needs to talk to me. Not even to get back together - but if she’s lonely I feel like she deserves to hear from me. 

[Wiseman2]

This is a phenomenal amount of drama for 10 mos, not to mention one week.

It sounds like you have entered the second stage of conflicted, incompatible relationships. That is the on/off stage.

In this stage you'll keep tabs, keep talking maybe have sex here and there, break up a few more times, maybe have sex others, etc 

If you want the madness to stop, make a clean break and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

 

[Mystery4u]

She doesn't want to be with you, she has made that clear.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Save all your effort trying to get her back, and use it for your next relationship.

[schlumpy]

Block her phone number also. If she wants to see you, it will force her to knock on your door.

Do not follow her social media or talk about her with mutual friends.

It's NC from now on.

If she comes back make sure she's not fresh from a new relationship.

No plan B for you.

[d0nnivain]

I think the break up is fresh & you are lonely.  Somewhere in your long post you mentioned not having others to talk to.  Now is the time to revive your friendships.  Because you are lonely you want reconciliation.  It's not a good idea.  There were too many problems in the relationship for it to be sustainable.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here. 

If a man told me he didn't realize he loved me until I was gone, there is no way I would go back to him. I get that you meant no harm in that, but it would tell you me you didn't really value or respect me as a person. You only got a kick in the ego when I wasn't there anymore. 

To be honest, this doesn't sound like it was ever a relationship you were genuinely invested in.You felt pressure to date her, resented her, thought you were losing your freedom. Listen to those feelings - they were your gut telling you this wasn't the right girl for you. If you'd be truly happy with her, you wouldn't have been fighting against your own instincts so much and struggling to show her affection and love. My strong hunch is that you don't actually have very strong feelings for her and never really did, but the it's the rejection driving you. 

Stay No Contact now. With time and space away from her, I suspect you will see that this isn't quite the huge loss you're currently believing it to be. I don't mean that there's something wrong with her, but that she wasn't the right woman for you. 

[html5lffy]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here. 

If a man told me he didn't realize he loved me until I was gone, there is no way I would go back to him. I get that you meant no harm in that, but it would tell you me you didn't really value or respect me as a person. You only got a kick in the ego when I wasn't there anymore. 

To be honest, this doesn't sound like it was ever a relationship you were genuinely invested in.You felt pressure to date her, resented her, thought you were losing your freedom. Listen to those feelings - they were your gut telling you this wasn't the right girl for you. If you'd be truly happy with her, you wouldn't have been fighting against your own instincts so much and struggling to show her affection and love. My strong hunch is that you don't actually have very strong feelings for her and never really did, but the it's the rejection driving you. 

Stay No Contact now. With time and space away from her, I suspect you will see that this isn't quite the huge loss you're currently believing it to be. I don't mean that there's something wrong with her, but that she wasn't the right woman for you. 

Does it make a difference if she sang a love song on her tik tok last night? Presumably about me. Captioned “sitting in the dark alone kinda night :(“

I felt that I loved her in the relationship at times. Keep in mind, I literally have never felt love and wasn’t sure how to interpret my own feelings. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

Does it make a difference if she sang a love song on her tik tok last night? Presumably about me. Captioned “sitting in the dark alone kinda night :(“

Not really, no. 

She sounds young and she's doing what young people do - get emotional and seek attention online. How old are you both, for reference?

[html5lffy]

20 but there’s only 10 followers - myself being one of them & her closest friends. If it were for attention it wouldn’t have been posted there

she also stopped posting Instagram stories 100%. She used to post 20x a day advocating for BLM. No longer does any of that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

20 but there’s only 10 followers - myself being one of them & her closest friends. If it were for attention it wouldn’t have been posted there

she also stopped posting Instagram stories 100%. She used to post 20x a day advocating for BLM. No longer does any of that. 

So, you want this song to be about you? I also don't see the connection between this and her IG activity. 

I am not sure what to tell you. She's repeated several times that she doesn't want to try again. All you can do is believe her. 

[html5lffy]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, you want this song to be about you? I also don't see the connection between this and her IG activity. 

I am not sure what to tell you. She's repeated several times that she doesn't want to try again. All you can do is believe her. 

I mean the song is pretty clearly about me. Why would she post a tiktok with a love song captioned “sitting in the dark kinda night :(“ when I’m one of 10 people in the world that can see it. And we broke up less than a week ago. I’m not looking for “hidden messages,” I’m literally objectively looking at what is in front of me. 
 

I think she doesn’t want to be hurt again. She’s trying to get me to move on because it will help her move on. I want to prove her wrong 

Edited August 24, 2020 by html5lffy

[d0nnivain]

 A better plan would be to stop seeing it.  Disconnect on all social media platforms.  You are broken up. You don't need those windows into each other's lives.  

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, html5lffy said:

I think she doesn’t want to be hurt again. She’s trying to get me to move on because it will help her move on. I want to prove her wrong 

Exactly - this is what you think. You don't actually know this is the case, or what she's thinking. 

This is why you have to disconnect on social media. You're keeping yourself stuck. If she wanted to be with you, she would't have shut down every and all attempt you have made at winning her over.  Don't confuse a little attention-seeking loneliness as a sign she wants to reconcile. It's just not enough to go on, despite how badly you want it to be. 

Also, I have to wonder why she even mentioned that her ex had texted her again. That had no relevance to you or your break-up so there was absolutely reason to even tell you about it. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that they're talking again, unforunately. 

[amerikajin]

I think it's natural to be sad when someone you've spoken to and shared moments with day-in and day-out for an extended period of time is suddenly gone from your life. Even when the relationship isn't so great, the sudden absence is a shock to your system.

But that shock will wear off, and I think you will come to realize what she told you is probably true: you two are not really right for each other. She seems very serious about money and finances for someone so young. In a way that's a good thing because she's mature, but she also comes across as a little bit controlling.

If you ever find yourself in a situation like this in the future (fights over money), maybe this kind of conflict would be an opportunity to find out why she (whoever you're with) is so strict with money. You might learn something important about their life experience. In my experience, women who are strict with money are that way because they grew up in poverty or in a situation in which they saw their single parent or both parents struggle and stress over money. That can be seared into memory and it stays with someone as long as they live. You can't "un-burn" that from their memory. What you can do is try to offer some reassurance that you'll be responsible with money. Maybe agree that you'll put X% of take-home pay in a savings account each month.

She has to compromise, too, though. To you, your hard-earned money represents a reward for your hard work and your freedom to do what you want with it. That has to be respected, too. So once you do your part, she should then let you spend it on whatever the hell you want.

[html5lffy]

35 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I think it's natural to be sad when someone you've spoken to and shared moments with day-in and day-out for an extended period of time is suddenly gone from your life. Even when the relationship isn't so great, the sudden absence is a shock to your system.

But that shock will wear off, and I think you will come to realize what she told you is probably true: you two are not really right for each other. She seems very serious about money and finances for someone so young. In a way that's a good thing because she's mature, but she also comes across as a little bit controlling.

If you ever find yourself in a situation like this in the future (fights over money), maybe this kind of conflict would be an opportunity to find out why she (whoever you're with) is so strict with money. You might learn something important about their life experience. In my experience, women who are strict with money are that way because they grew up in poverty or in a situation in which they saw their single parent or both parents struggle and stress over money. That can be seared into memory and it stays with someone as long as they live. You can't "un-burn" that from their memory. What you can do is try to offer some reassurance that you'll be responsible with money. Maybe agree that you'll put X% of take-home pay in a savings account each month.

She has to compromise, too, though. To you, your hard-earned money represents a reward for your hard work and your freedom to do what you want with it. That has to be respected, too. So once you do your part, she should then let you spend it on whatever the hell you want.

It’s her culture. She is an Indian from an Indian family. Born in India. They’re great savers! 
 

I just want to fight to get back together and am stopping myself from contacting her best friend for advice. I won’t let myself do it. 
 

if not for nothing, the last romantic gesture I made with the birthday card handmade and the date I planned that she declined to go to may get stuck in her head and make her miss me. I know she loves me - there’s no question. She’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t do she doesn’t get hurt anymore which I understand. 

[amerikajin]

I think you need to let the shock wear off.

I know you're hurt. It hurts when it doesn't work out. I bet she's even hurting, too.

Love is kinda like boxing: It's a brutal sport. Know that before stepping into the ring. Accept your defeats and train harder for the next contest. Focus more on bettering yourself.

[DarrenB]

Reconciliation shouldn't be on your mind, for a while at least - you need to allow yourself time to recuperate and to properly acknowledge what had happened.

Unfortunately mistakes were made, sometimes they are just simply inevitable. 

You are both still young and although you may believe you have a large portion of your life figured out, down the line you still have a lot of growing and personal development to go through. 

Please remember that the whole 'No Contact' stage should only be used as a coping mechanism to move forward, not a strategy to get someone back. Sometimes things are better left unsaid and trying to gain closure isn't always necessary because it often leads to further mistakes and mishaps, reducing any chance of future reconciling significantly.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

[CTAtlanta]

Honest opinion here from someone twice your age that has gone through exactly what you're going through...multiple times.  In fact, I'm going through it again after a 2 yr relationship just ended abruptly 3 days ago.

Let me tell you...you're really young.  One day you'll look back and say to yourself, "Wow...I can't believe how torn up I was over her! What was I thinking???".  I know this is silly sounding but the no contact rule is really what works best.  It's best to just go cold turkey and delete her phone number/block it and get her off all your social media accts, and then you need to take a long break completely from social media.  The problem with social media is you're too easily tempted to creep around to see what she's doing or what her friends might doing in an effort to catch a glimpse into what she's doing.  DO NOT DO IT!!!  Do not answer her calls, block her number, don't write her, don't email her, etc.  The first several days will be really hard...but one day you'll wake up and realize that you slept pretty good throughout the night.  You'll get your appetite back slowly and then you'll realize you made it an entire day without even thinking about her!  Those are the steps to healing.  It takes time.

You're young and you only spent 10 months with her.  I promise that you'll meet someone else and it will make this 10 month relationship seem like a elementary school fling.

[gamon]

People don't do some sort of instantaneous change. She dumped you and you're overcompensating to be the guy she wanted you to be the whole time you were together. You're acting like the guy she wanted because you're looking out for your own self interests- being dumped doesn't align with your plans so you're trying to fix it by changing your behavior but the point of the matter is you haven't changed at all, that's impossible. Real change takes years if it ever happens at all.

Also telling her you're going to block her is manipulative, immature, and can even be considered controlling because you're telling her that to get a response. If blocking her makes it easier to move on then just do it.

Planning a date night when she's made it clear she doesn't want to see you anymore shows complete disregard for her feelings, it's all about what you want, nothing more.

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by gamon

[html5lffy]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

Honest opinion here from someone twice your age that has gone through exactly what you're going through...multiple times.  In fact, I'm going through it again after a 2 yr relationship just ended abruptly 3 days ago.

Let me tell you...you're really young.  One day you'll look back and say to yourself, "Wow...I can't believe how torn up I was over her! What was I thinking???".  I know this is silly sounding but the no contact rule is really what works best.  It's best to just go cold turkey and delete her phone number/block it and get her off all your social media accts, and then you need to take a long break completely from social media.  The problem with social media is you're too easily tempted to creep around to see what she's doing or what her friends might doing in an effort to catch a glimpse into what she's doing.  DO NOT DO IT!!!  Do not answer her calls, block her number, don't write her, don't email her, etc.  The first several days will be really hard...but one day you'll wake up and realize that you slept pretty good throughout the night.  You'll get your appetite back slowly and then you'll realize you made it an entire day without even thinking about her!  Those are the steps to healing.  It takes time.

You're young and you only spent 10 months with her.  I promise that you'll meet someone else and it will make this 10 month relationship seem like a elementary school fling.

She is blocked on every social media site. I stopped sharing my location and she never stopped sharing hers. So today i deleted her location from my phone. She and I are no longer, for now. She has my phone number saved and I have hers - just in case we need each other. I would delete it, but I’m the one who hurt her in the relationship. She deserves to at least be able to talk to me if she really needs to. 
 

I left her last long message alone and did not reply. So at this time, we aren’t talking and I mean it now. 
 

I put all of her things from my house that we’re gifts in my closet buried deep. I took all of the photos we have together and put them in the hidden album. One day I hope to look back happily. I haven’t even once considered looking at the photos again. I have her nude photos - and will delete those soon. They’re in the same album as the photos of us together so I don’t want to do it just yet. I need time. I’m not a creep though. I won’t look at those pictures sexually at all ... no libido as is anyways. 

[html5lffy]

2 minutes ago, gamon said:

People don't do some sort of instantaneous change. She dumped you and you're overcompensating to be the guy she wanted you to be the whole time you were together. You're acting like the guy she wanted because you're looking out for your own self interests- being dumped doesn't align with your plans so you're trying to fix it by changing your behavior but the point of the matter is you haven't changed at all, that's impossible. Real change takes years if it ever happens at all.

Also telling her you're going to block her is manipulative, immature, and can even be considered controlling because you're telling her that to get a response. If blocking her makes it easier to move on then just do it.

Planning a date night when she's made it clear she doesn't want to see you anymore shows complete disregard for her feelings, it's all about what you want, nothing more.

 

You’re right. I apologized to her for all of those things. She knows I’m deeply in love with her so she’s somewhat understanding that I’m going crazy right now. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are overreacting. Tone it down and collect yourself.

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, html5lffy said:

I put all of her things from my house that we’re gifts in my closet buried deep. I took all of the photos we have together and put them in the hidden album. One day I hope to look back happily. I haven’t even once considered looking at the photos again. I have her nude photos - and will delete those soon. They’re in the same album as the photos of us together so I don’t want to do it just yet. I need time. I’m not a creep though. I won’t look at those pictures sexually at all ... no libido as is anyways. 

Very good job. Now re-arrange some of your furniture and get a new area rug to create a feeling of change and moving on.

[html5lffy]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Very good job. Now re-arrange some of your furniture and get a new area rug to create a feeling of change and moving on.

Will do. We talked earlier today and she said “I was sad and you were sad. I was ready to talk things out but then you got angry & demanded answers.” So to me it seems she was lying to me before. She does still care about me. And I think she still does love me even though she said otherwise. I’m not going to hold my breath but I’m going to therapy tomorrow and will be trying my best to change as a person and depend on my own happiness not her. 
I told her I may contact her in a couple weeks or a few months. Once I’m healed I will talk.