Completely ghosted. after 2 years. hurts very bad.

[CTAtlanta]

We are both adults with 2 children each.  I'm in my 40's and she's in her 30's.  We live approx 1 hour from each other, and spend most of our time together on the weekends.  We  started dating 2 yrs ago and we had our typical ups and downs like every relationship.  The arguments were few and far between.  We probably argued once every 6 months or so and were typically over silly things.  There was never any yelling, cursing, physical or anything crazy like that.  Just typical disagreements and wouldn't speak for a couple of days, etc.  She's from S. America and been here for 8 yrs so English isn't her first language.  More often than not the disagreements were because of miscommunication.  We talked about a future together and how our kids would grow up together, etc.  We even spent the weekend not too long ago driving through the mtns looking at property to buy for our mtn home we'd share together one day.

Looking back I can see that over the last few weeks how things were "off".  Normally she'd text me first thing in the morning saying I love you, have a great day, etc....and if we didn't speak during the day by phone she'd text me at night with the same I love you, sleep well, miss you, etc.  We always made plans during the week about what we'd do over the weekend.  She almost always came to my house and would bring the kids.

That said, I just noticed that the text msgs got a little shorter/inconsistent and that over the last month or so that our normal weekends together began to get skipped to every other weekend.  I didn't pay much attention to it just thinking it was because we're both super busy with school starting back for our kids, sports on the weekends, work, etc.  Nonetheless, she came over this past weekend of 8/15.  It was our normal, great weekend.  Lots of snuggling in bed, holding hands, going to the local winery, telling each other we loved each other, making plans for this upcoming weekend like normal, and even making plans to take a trip together in the Fall.  Well, the week came and went and on Friday I asked if she was coming over with the kids like we'd discussed, and she said she had basketball practice with her kids Saturday morning, and then had to get her car repaired so it was "iffy".  I got it and completely understood.  I reached out to her Saturday after lunch via text to see how the car repair was going and she said she was still at the shop and sent me a heart and XOXO.  That was the last I heard from her.  I called her...no response.  I sent her several texts...no response.  Literally disappeared into thin air and that was it. 

I thought something had happened to her so I asked my sister to see if she was on Instagram/Facebook because I don't do social media stuff.  Well...there she was posting stuff just a couple of hours ago.  So, she's not hurt or anything.  She just ghosted me and even deleted me from her LinkedIn group.  2 years and gone with the snap of your fingers.

Just when you think you really know someone they do this.  I could understand it if we were fighting and didn't get along, etc.  No closure, no discussion, no warning...nothing.  I'm literally speechless.

For all I know she's met someone else and I never knew.  It sure hurts...

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Sorry you have had this happen to you. It boggles my mind that full grown adults do this.

There is not much I can say that will make you feel better.  Only that I feel  your pain.  Just take it one day at a time.

Get lots of exercise and keep busy.

hugs

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Did she meet someone more compatible or from her culture or locally?

Your relationship was fraught with problems, but the way she just disappeared without breaking up indicates there's more to the story.

[FudgeSwirl]

I am terribly sorry and hurt for you.  With the exception of people in abusive relationships, the slow fade and ghosting are two cowardly ways to remove oneself from a relationship and hurt way more than a typical break-up.  What made her type of ghosting even worse is how she put up this lovey-dovey facade down to her last text to you.  It's disgusting on her part.

It's very possible that she found someone else but it could also be many other reasons.  I wouldn't stay fixated on all the possibilities for ghosting, but it's normal to mourn as if this were a normal break-up.  Take a lot of you time and engage in self-care.  Surround yourself with things you like and stick to a routine each day if that helps.  Remember - when you're down the line healed and ready to date, there is someone else out there who will be worthy of your time and will treat you with the respect you deserve regardless of how the relationship fairs.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, CTAtlanta said:

 .I didn't pay much attention to it . 

This is when she checked out, so it wasn't out of the blue. Sadly you were both too busy to notice.

She blocked you on LinkedIn? Did she meet someone at work?

By the way 2 yrs is a long time to just coast along In a weekend  rut.

But anyway when she started cancelling weekends and the communication started tapering off is when the real breakup happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm really sorry, OP. What a terrible thing to have happen. 

When you noticed her getting distant, that was the beginning of the end. It's understandable that your first instinct was to chalk it up to busy schedule. Just disappearing is awful behaviour on her part. 

Do you think she's met someone else and didn't want him finding out she already had a boyfriend?

[schlumpy]

It's sounds to me like you two were just drifting along without neither of you at the rudder. I don't doubt there was real affection but just dating without moving forward can  lead to a breakup. It could be she met someone else but it also could be that she finally made up her mind that she wanted more then you were offering. I think you will find out eventually.

Don't be surprised if a few months from now you get a phone call with her testing the waters.

Meanwhile, don't get PLAN B tattooed on your forehead.

[Uptown182]

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I went through the same thing a little while ago.  Ghosting on a serious relationship is one of the most cowardly things someone can do and speaks volumes of her character.  
 

I know you’re wondering why and what happened but unless she tells you, you’ll never know.  How long has it been since you last spoke to her?  
 

I have no doubt she will reappear but it may take  months so don’t wait around for it.  My ex reappeared after about 3 months, and then just recently texted me again.  I haven’t responded.  Hopefully by the time she reaches out you’ll have moved on. 

[CTAtlanta]

Thank you all for the well-wishes and sound advice.

I've not heard a word from her or received a text since last Saturday when I reached out to her seeing if she and the kids were coming over like we discussed.  She'd responded back to my Saturday text around 2pm saying she was still stuck at the mechanic and sent me a heart and XOXO.  That was it!  I sent her a text yesterday morning as a last attempt to make contact.  I told her I loved her and that I was in complete shock as to why she would literally disappear like this with no closure, no discussion, no talk...nothing.  She didn't respond.

I realize that some of you pointed out that the red flags were there when the regular communication and weekend visits became more sporadic over the last month.  I'm not sure if I agree.  When you're in a long-term relationship like we were there will be times when regular becomes irregular.  In our case, we both have 2 kids that started this virtual schooling here in Georgia again, with Fall sports starting back, etc.  She also has a 78 yr old grandmother that lives around the corner from her that she attends to a great deal on the weekends.  So, I just chalked it up to us being really busy getting adjusted to the new schedules again and that things would smooth out.  Maybe I was naive.  I don't know what I should have done differently.

As mentioned, we've all been in relationships before where arguments ensued on a regular basis, fighting, etc...and you can see the end is coming.  In this case, we literally never raised our voices at each other in 2 yrs!  We literally spent the last weekend together at the winery holding hands, telling each other how much we loved each other, making plans for this coming weekend for my mom's 77th bday party, and our trip we were taking together in the Fall.  Then..BOOM!  Just completely ghosted me.  We talked about our future together, her moving here to be closer to me in the Spring of '21 to her kids could finish their school year where they are, etc.  We even discussed plans for her 78 yr old grandmom to move to S. Florida to be with other family members so that she didn't have to be the only one to care for her up here.  That is why she lived 1 hour from me.  So, we definitely discussed plans for our future often.

I can't help but want closure, but I realize I'm not entitled to it.  It just hurts that I was tossed to the side like yesterdays trash.

Maybe she did meet someone else.  I don't understand how human beings can do this to each other.  I'd never do this to someone...especially someone that I was planning a future with and telling them I loved them, etc.

Edited August 25, 2020 by CTAtlanta

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

I can't help but want closure, but I realize I'm not entitled to it.  It just hurts that I was tossed to the side like yesterdays trash.

This is so sad to read; I'm truly sorry you're experiencing this. 

You're human; of course you want an explanation as to where the hell your girlfriend of 2 years disappeared to. Her behaviour isn't normal. Anyone would be shocked and disgusted to be treated this way. Anyone would try to seek closure on some level. 

I don't recall if this has been answered before, but where is her kids' dad? Is he in the picture?

[CTAtlanta]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hi Expat -

"I don't recall if this has been answered before, but where is her kids' dad? Is he in the picture?"

He is but only on the peripheral.  He lived out of state most of their marriage working on oil rigs.  He missed birthdays, Xmas, etc for the duration of their marriage.  However, he moved back home about a year ago and he gets the kids every other weekend.  So, our normal schedule was - she and I would have one weekend to ourselves every other weekend, and then when she had her kids I made sure to have mine so we spent the odd weekends together with the kids like a big family here at my house.

My sister saw her posting some quote on Facebook yesterday but there was nothing suspicious (ie other guys, etc).  I'm beating myself up trying to figure out what happened, but I really have no idea.  More than anything I'm just at a loss of words.  I can look back on past relationships and I knew they were over well in advance of the end.  This one hit me out of the blue.  She literally pulled the rug out from under me.  Never seen anything like this.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

 

Did she block you from all messaging and social media?

[Uptown182]

Could it be the kid’s dad is back in the picture and maybe they’re trying to work things out?  In cases like these I think it’s more often someone from the past rather than someone new, especially given the way she was acting.

[amerikajin]

Maybe she didn't intend to completely "ghost" you, but this is her way of breaking up with you and she doesn't have the courage to actually initiate it. Maybe because of cultural differences she doesn't really know where to begin.

Maybe send her a text that says "Can we talk? If you want some space, that's fine, but just tell me please." See what she says first.

If she gives you a short response that says something like "I'm sorry, but I want to end this" and nothing more. I would respond and say "Okay, maybe you're not ready to talk right now, but do you think we could talk about this? I miss you and I would like to work this out if we can. If I did something or said something wrong, I apologize. But let's talk about this please."

You then put the ball in her court. As difficult as it is, this is about all you can do.

[mark clemson]

35 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

 I'm beating myself up trying to figure out what happened, but I really have no idea. 

If you're convinced this is deliberate (and it sure sounds like it) then don't bother.

 

35 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

 I can look back on past relationships and I knew they were over well in advance of the end.  This one hit me out of the blue.  She literally pulled the rug out from under me.  Never seen anything like this.

This is why. There's nothing wrong with a slow fade if it's followed up by a closure/break up communication. But this is just d-baggery IMO.

I certainly don't know for sure, but it's possible she is attempting to monkeybranch and is auditioning your replacement (or baby-daddy as suggested above). IF that's the case, the failure to close off the R is to hopefully keep you around as Plan B in case the new person doesn't work out.

So IF she comes back in a few weeks with some implausible story or claims she was having doubts, etc, you'd be wise to look very deeply into whatever might have been going on during this time and expect/insist on full transparency as a condition of resuming the R (assuming you'd even entertain that idea).

In the meantime, I suggest you recognize that her pulling back when you had expectations of LTR is causing you (your brain) to become "needy". I suggest you work on getting over that (easier said than done, I do recognize) and start working on accepting that this is how this one ends. From the way she treated you, this woman isn't worth months of pining over. Closure eventually comes from within, and the sooner you are in a place to accept a new partner, the sooner you can move on.

[CTAtlanta]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she block you from all messaging and social media?

I don't have any social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc)...but I do have LinkedIn for work.  We were 1st line connections in LinkedIn, but now it says, "This Profile No Longer Exists".  I don't know if she just blocked me from LinkedIn or actually deleted her profile.  Our only form of communication was via phone and in person.

[CTAtlanta]

2 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Could it be the kid’s dad is back in the picture and maybe they’re trying to work things out?  In cases like these I think it’s more often someone from the past rather than someone new, especially given the way she was acting.

Anything is possible, UpTown.  I have no idea.  Right now I feel like I'm spending all day going through the "What if's" scenarios in my mind and speculating.  It's not good for me to do this as it's driving me insane.  I feel like I've lost 10 lbs in the last few days and have barely slept.  It's hard not to wake up in the middle of the night and your mind goes from 0 to 100 mph thinking about things like what you said.

[CTAtlanta]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

"I certainly don't know for sure, but it's possible she is attempting to monkeybranch and is auditioning your replacement (or baby-daddy as suggested above). IF that's the case, the failure to close off the R is to hopefully keep you around as Plan B in case the new person doesn't work out."

I really don't know, Mark.  We spent this prior weekend together and there wasn't even the slightest hint of trouble.  Typical weekend...laid in bed each morning snuggling, telling each other we loved each other, spending the day at the winery holding hands and making plans for this coming weekend, talking about the kids, our tentative trip out West this Fall, etc.  Then BAM!  Just complete and utter silence after her last msg to me on Saturday afternoon.  She said she wanted to come over with her kids, but was still stuck at the mechanic...ending it with a heart and XOXO.  That was the last I ever heard from her.  I called, texted several times and asked for some type of response.  Nothing.  Silence.  I've made no contact since yesterday morning when I told her that she'd obviously made a decision and I said goodbye via text.

We live 1 hour away and I've thought about driving over there, but I talk myself out of it.  I've come to terms that if someone treats you this badly then why should you go out of your way to make right a wrong that wasn't your choosing?  Many have suggested I drive over there, but I refuse.  She made the choice - not me.  If anything...she should be driving over here pleading with me and trying to explain her thought process.  She's not done so and I refuse to emasculate myself.  I know pride can get the best of us, but this isn't about pride.  It's about right and wrong.

[mark clemson]

Yeah. Hard to say.

Although I honestly hate to put these thoughts into your head, it's conceivable that she's in some kind of trouble. For example, kid has been kidnapped or Ex is threatening her OR the kids, etc. As you are probably aware the kidnapping stuff happens more in Mexico/S.A. than here, but I understand it still happens here occasionally, esp. if there is leverage such as she is an illegal immigrant or similar. She might not want you in the picture as in some situations a concerned SO can do more harm than good.

Another reason might be there is a major family problem that she considers to be a private matter for whatever reason. Or she was/is cheating. Or simply done and doesn't know how to communicate it or want to deal with that.

Unfortunately there is a wide range of possibilities, and no easy way to discern what may be the case. IMO the odds are strongly that she either monkeybranched, someone from the past came back, or she is simply done, but rare things do sometimes happen.

Edited August 25, 2020 by mark clemson

[amerikajin]

26 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

We live 1 hour away and I've thought about driving over there, but I talk myself out of it.  I've come to terms that if someone treats you this badly then why should you go out of your way to make right a wrong that wasn't your choosing?  Many have suggested I drive over there, but I refuse.  She made the choice - not me.  If anything...she should be driving over here pleading with me and trying to explain her thought process.  She's not done so and I refuse to emasculate myself.  I know pride can get the best of us, but this isn't about pride.  It's about right and wrong.

The only reason for going is if you don't know whether or not something happened (an emergency) and you are genuinely concerned. But if she's just dropping out of site and doesn't have the courage to confront you on it, I agree. Good call on your part.

[Wiseman2]

How much do you really know about her, her family, her friends, etc? How much time have you spent in her environment/area with her family, friends etc? It's odd you know no one and have no contact other than phone and LinkedIn.

It's also odd that you know of no one of her people you would have contacted to see if she's ok, etc and instead sent a "well we're done" text after several no replies from her.

My instinct would not have been a "well we're done then" text if someone I was supposedly "planning a future with" suddenly disappeared.  Most people would have been quite concerned. You somehow know she wasn't in an accident, or sick or whatever.

Edited August 25, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CTAtlanta]

1 hour ago, amerikajin said:

The only reason for going is if you don't know whether or not something happened (an emergency) and you are genuinely concerned. But if she's just dropping out of site and doesn't have the courage to confront you on it, I agree. Good call on your part.

I know there's nothing wrong with her...she's in no danger, hasn't been kidnapped, etc.  My sister has Facebook and saw her on it posting.  I think it's one of a couple things - she's been cheating on me and I never knew...or she just opted out and was too immature to communicate it.

[CTAtlanta]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How much do you really know about her, her family, her friends, etc? How much time have you spent in her environment/area with her family, friends etc? It's odd you know no one and have no contact other than phone and LinkedIn.

It's also odd that you know of no one of her people you would have contacted to see if she's ok, etc and instead sent a "well we're done" text after several no replies from her.

My instinct would not have been a "well we're done then" text if someone I was supposedly "planning a future with" suddenly disappeared.  Most people would have been quite concerned. You somehow know she wasn't in an accident, or sick or whatever.

She has absolutely no family here other than her two children and a 78 yr old grandmother that speaks no English, and whom I've never met.  Her mom and dad live back home in S. America...she's here with her grandma and kids.  I was genuinely concerned about her and really thought something might have happened; however, after my sister saw her on Facebook posting silly lifestyle quotes yesterday I knew she wasn't in the hospital ER somewhere, etc.  Please tell me if I'm wrong...but if she's had time to post silly lifestyle quotes on FB the last couple of days then she certainly has had 10 seconds to respond to me within the past 4 days since going silent, right? Additionally, the dead give away was her deleting me from her LinkedIn group.  If she were in a coma or something bad she'd not have time to be posting on FB or going out of her way to delete me from LinkedIn.  I know if I'd had an accident or something seriously wrong I'd have taken at least 10 seconds to contact the person I'm supposed to be in "love" with or had someone do it for me.  I think normal people would.

[MsJayne]

My guess is that maybe she's sick of waiting for you to make a proper commitment. You say it's been two years, and you went for a drive looking at homes in the mountains not so long ago, I wonder did the dropping off of communications happen not long after that? I ask because if I was her I would probably think that looking at homes was a fairly big indicator that you were about to propose or at least suggest moving in together, but you didn't, so maybe she just figures you've wasted enough of her precious time. She's under no obligation to explain herself to you, and may be under the impression that she didn't mean much to you and so was feeling used, hence she's not giving you the time of day.  Of course, she may have met someone else, but, for a woman who's looking for a long-term commitment, a guy who talks about "a future together" but makes no move to set it in motion is a waste of her time. The fact that she hasn't answered your messages says to me that she's made her mind up that you're not serious and she's quite peeved about it all. 

[CTAtlanta]

53 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

My guess is that maybe she's sick of waiting for you to make a proper commitment. You say it's been two years, and you went for a drive looking at homes in the mountains not so long ago, I wonder did the dropping off of communications happen not long after that? I ask because if I was her I would probably think that looking at homes was a fairly big indicator that you were about to propose or at least suggest moving in together, but you didn't, so maybe she just figures you've wasted enough of her precious time. She's under no obligation to explain herself to you, and may be under the impression that she didn't mean much to you and so was feeling used, hence she's not giving you the time of day.  Of course, she may have met someone else, but, for a woman who's looking for a long-term commitment, a guy who talks about "a future together" but makes no move to set it in motion is a waste of her time. The fact that she hasn't answered your messages says to me that she's made her mind up that you're not serious and she's quite peeved about it all. 

Thanks, MsJayne for the thoughtful response.  Under normal circumstances I'd agree with you.  However, this is not the case.  In fact, I even brought up the thought of marriage once in casual conversation not long ago and she shut it down immediately.  She's been married twice.  She said she only wanted to date for the foreseeable future, and was happy just dating.  I wasn't going to push it so I didn't bring it up again.