Completely ghosted. after 2 years. hurts very bad.

[CTAtlanta]

4 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I think if you just wait you will find out in manner that is not as ego busting as Mr. Alpha male opening the door. One of your friends or family will see her with someone else and the mystery will be solved. Then you will know. No reason to confront and lose it. 

When she tries to come back, that's when you will have the upper hand.

You need to plan for that day so you don't lose it.

Thanks for the advice, Schlumpy

We live on opposite sides of Atlanta an hour from each other.  None of my friends or family will ever see her out.  It's too big of a city and she never comes out here except when it was to see me.  So, in reality...unless I drive over there I'll never know what happened.  I just don't want to drive over there and have to potentially deal with Mr Alpha Male opening the door as I'd be on this forum for months trying to cope with that!  😭😭😭 

It's just tough not knowing what happened or why.  It's really hard to let go as I think everyone wants closure in situations like this.  What's really tough is sleeping and eating right now.  Although I have no evidence of it...I lay in bed all night thinking of her being in bed with some man right now. 

Your mind plays the worst scenarios out in your head at 3am.  I literally wake up each night and my mind immediately goes to that thought and I just lay there til sunrise imagining her in bed with a man that I've literally made entirely up in my imagination.  I can tell you exactly what he looks like, etc.  I'm driving myself insane.

[schlumpy]

Waiting is win-win.

There's a very good chance that the grass isn't greener. Although by the time she finds this out, you may not want her back. The images you are creating are like a rasp shaving off layer after layer of your regard for her. It will be very thin after a few months.

If she never comes back then you are better off without her. 

Going without someone you love is like drug withdrawal and until you complete the process or replace her and she can be replaced never doubt that, you are going to be strapped into the emotional roller coaster.

One thing you can hang onto is that her sudden departure had nothing to do with you. You didn't drive her away. She chose to walk. There is reason she go divorced and reason she is iffy about marriage. I don't think she told you the real story. Instead she has shown you why.

Unless you are willing to hire a PI to find out what you want to know you have to ride until the coaster rolls to a stop and you can get off.

[Wiseman2]

Why did she always drive to you? Honestly,it sounds like she's been unhappy for a while because of how one sided it was and how she had to do all the driving plus work plus full custody plus grandma, etc.

Maybe she wanted it to work but after 2 years it was still just putting miles on her car and her life for nothing but " hand holding and wine tasting". 

In all this time you never bothered to learn much about her, her culture her family her job her life her language, etc.

Don't show up at her house. At some level you know what happened and why.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CTAtlanta]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she always drive to you? Honestly,it sounds like she's been unhappy for a while because of how one sided it was and how she had to do all the driving plus work plus full custody plus grandma, etc.

Maybe she wanted it to work but after 2 years it was still just putting miles on her car and her life for nothing but " hand holding and wine tasting". 

In all this time you never bothered to learn much about her, her culture her family her job her life her language, etc.

Don't show up at her house. At some level you know what happened and why.

She didn't always drive to me.  I went to her place on many occasions.  However, she did come to my home much more often for 2 reasons:  First, her ex lived 30 mins East of me so on the weekends the kids were with him she wanted to come to my place because on Sunday afternoon she could drive to get the kids as it's much closer than where she lived which is an hour West of me.  Second, on the weekends she did have her kids she wanted to come here because I live in a 4BR home with a big fenced in yard, pool, trampoline, etc...and my kids/her kids had room to play, run around, etc.  She lives in a 2 BR apartment so it was much more difficult.

You say, "In all this time you never bothered to learn much about her, her culture her family her job her life her language, etc.". 

Sorry, but I know there's a lot in this thread; however, you've missed a lot of what was said.  I know all there is to know about her.  I can tell you virtually anything you want to know about her, her culture, her ancestry, her job, and her language.  Her mom is in Caracas that she's not seen in 7 yrs due to regime there, her dad is in Puerto Rico, her grandparents are from Spain, they were never married, she has 2 children born in Oklahoma and GA, she got married the 1st time when she was 20 yrs old to a guy in the military that she never saw...they divorced after a short marriage, then she met her most recent ex (American) while in Puerto Rico and she was 26...they dated long distance, she got pregnant and they got married, moved to Oklahoma because he worked on oil rigs...he was gone for +6 mo's at at time...they remained married for 7 yrs...her grandma moved to GA from Dominican Republic and she moved here to be close to her only family...she and her ex remained separated for 2 yrs while she lived in GA and he out West.  She and I met and started dating 2 yrs ago, etc.  I learned to speak as much Spanish as I could and we communicated in Spanish via text, I learned to cook her native food for her, helped her locate a house near me so we could spend more time together (which fell through because grandma needed her), we looked at land together to buy and build our dream mtn home on, I even purchased a boat so that her kids and my kids could all spend time at the lake together...and I can go on and on and on.  She wasn't just putting miles on her car and sipping wine.

You make it sound like I put nothing into this relationship.  I put everything I had into it.  I was even working out how to get her mom from Venezuela up here to see her!

There's not another guy on this planet that would go to the lengths that I did.

[Uptown182]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she always drive to you? Honestly,it sounds like she's been unhappy for a while because of how one sided it was and how she had to do all the driving plus work plus full custody plus grandma, etc.

Maybe she wanted it to work but after 2 years it was still just putting miles on her car and her life for nothing but " hand holding and wine tasting". 

In all this time you never bothered to learn much about her, her culture her family her job her life her language, etc.

Don't show up at her house. At some level you know what happened and why.

I don’t think I agree with this.  The OP can’t possibly put every single detail of their relationship in this thread.  I doubt he knew nothing about her after two years, and sounds like she wanted to go to his place.  According to what the OP has said the relationship was going at the pace she wanted.  I don’t think he did anything wrong here, ghosting in that way is never right unless there was some sort of physical abuse.  She was wrong no question. 
 

OP I don’t think driving over to her is a good idea.  She clearly doesn’t want to speak with you right now, and you going over there won’t change her mind, only time and your silence will.     She will eventually reach out to you, I’m sure of it.  There’s some great YouTube videos by coach lee Wilson I suggest you listen to.  

Edited August 27, 2020 by Uptown182

[mark clemson]

One piece of advice would be to "never waste a crisis" and use this as an opportunity to "branch out" by getting more involved with others, e.g. through social groups, volunteering, things you're interested in, etc.  It's easier said than done right now with COVID, but perhaps you can find some ways + the current situation won't last forever.

There is more to life than this one person, and keeping that in mind may be prove quite helpful in time.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did she always drive to you? Honestly,it sounds like she's been unhappy for a while because of how one sided it was and how she had to do all the driving plus work plus full custody plus grandma, etc.

Maybe she wanted it to work but after 2 years it was still just putting miles on her car and her life for nothing but " hand holding and wine tasting". 

In all this time you never bothered to learn much about her, her culture her family her job her life her language, etc.

Where are you conjuring all this up from? 

Wise, we know you like to wind people up a bit but it's really not helpful here. 

[CTAtlanta]

39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Where are you conjuring all this up from? 

Wise, we know you like to wind people up a bit but it's really not helpful here. 

Thanks, Expat.

Yes, Wise made a lot of incorrect assumptions, which I addressed in my response.

Day 6...still not a single word.  It's just unfathomable to me that grown adults can do this to each other after spending years together and discussing a future together.

I get it if we just met last week and had a single s***ty date, but years and then literally a ghost.  It's just the worst thing I've ever felt.

I wrote a long letter that I thought about either sending to her or driving over there and knocking on her door and giving it to her personally.  Thoughts?

[CTAtlanta]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

I don’t think I agree with this.  The OP can’t possibly put every single detail of their relationship in this thread.  I doubt he knew nothing about her after two years, and sounds like she wanted to go to his place.  According to what the OP has said the relationship was going at the pace she wanted.  I don’t think he did anything wrong here, ghosting in that way is never right unless there was some sort of physical abuse.  She was wrong no question. 
 

OP I don’t think driving over to her is a good idea.  She clearly doesn’t want to speak with you right now, and you going over there won’t change her mind, only time and your silence will.     She will eventually reach out to you, I’m sure of it.  There’s some great YouTube videos by coach lee Wilson I suggest you listen to.  

Thank you, Uptown

Yes, Wise was very wrong in his assumptions.  She wanted to come to my place because she lived in a 2BR apartment while I lived in a 4BR house with a big fenced in yard, pool, trampoline for our kids, etc.  I also knew everything about her and her family.  No idea how those assumptions were made.

That said, I'll probably take your advice and not drive over there despite wanting to do so very badly.  However, I did write a really long letter to her that I've thought about sending...I have not decided yet.  It's day 6 and not a single word.  It's just really, really hard for me to wrap my head around how an adult can do this to another adult...especially after spending yrs together and then vanish with not a single word.  It's almost surreal.  I feel like I walk around the house in a daze all day thinking it's just a really horrible dream.

[mark clemson]

15 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

I wrote a long letter that I thought about either sending to her or driving over there and knocking on her door and giving it to her personally.  Thoughts?

You mention that you've also texted her a bunch of times, etc. She certainly knows how to get in touch if she wants. My thought would be to bite the bullet and hang on to the letter, rather than sending/delivering. While it's tough to accept, she appears to have made up her mind and IMO it's unlikely further chasing will help. Get through this tough time so you are able to move on. Maybe talk to a counselor, that might help you processes this.

[schlumpy]

10 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

I wrote a long letter that I thought about either sending to her or driving over there and knocking on her door and giving it to her personally.  Thoughts?

There is no right or wrong thing to do when in a emotional haze. It's very easy to justify any action that is directed by the heart. All I ask is that you think about yourself a year from now looking back on your behavior and actions. Will you feel good about the way you handled things?

Write all the letters you want but don't send them. 

[CTAtlanta]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You mention that you've also texted her a bunch of times, etc. She certainly knows how to get in touch if she wants. My thought would be to bite the bullet and hang on to the letter, rather than sending/delivering. While it's tough to accept, she appears to have made up her mind and IMO it's unlikely further chasing will help. Get through this tough time so you are able to move on. Maybe talk to a counselor, that might help you processes this.

For me, sending the letter is my "closure" as I'm getting it all of my chest.  but I know you're right, Mark.  It's just tougher than almost anything I've ever dealt with. 

[CTAtlanta]

6 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

There is no right or wrong thing to do when in a emotional haze. It's very easy to justify any action that is directed by the heart. All I ask is that you think about yourself a year from now looking back on your behavior and actions. Will you feel good about the way you handled things?

Write all the letters you want but don't send them. 

Hi Schlumpy...  As I mentioned to Mark...there's a part of me that wants to send it as it's my "closure" and will help me move on.  However, to your point....will I feel good about it a year from now?  Probably not.  I'll probably be ashamed of myself for appearing so weak.

[Uptown182]

14 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

Hi Schlumpy...  As I mentioned to Mark...there's a part of me that wants to send it as it's my "closure" and will help me move on.  However, to your point....will I feel good about it a year from now?  Probably not.  I'll probably be ashamed of myself for appearing so weak.

I don’t think sending this letter will give you closure, you’d be sending the letter in hopes of receiving a response which you probably won’t get at this point.  The way you’re feeling right now is normal and valid, but it will get better with time.  Unfortunately there’s no magic pill or thing you can do to take the pain away right now, you just have to ride it out.  I was where you are now 5 months ago and I promise it gets better.  He reached out to me for the first time 3 months later with an apology and then again a few days ago.  I still don’t have closure because I don’t really know the reason, just some theories, but as time I goes by I find that I don’t care as much about the reason.  

[amerikajin]

54 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

Thanks, Expat.

Yes, Wise made a lot of incorrect assumptions, which I addressed in my response.

Day 6...still not a single word.  It's just unfathomable to me that grown adults can do this to each other after spending years together and discussing a future together.

I get it if we just met last week and had a single s***ty date, but years and then literally a ghost.  It's just the worst thing I've ever felt.

I wrote a long letter that I thought about either sending to her or driving over there and knocking on her door and giving it to her personally.  Thoughts?

Since you've taken the time to write it, maybe drive over and just put it in her mailbox and then drive away. I think having a direct confrontation right now can be a little risky, but on the other hand, there's a part of me that when people are engaging in bulls*** behavior, they need to be confronted in some way, somehow. I personally don't see the harm in mailing (or even putting it in her mailbox) a well-thought letter that avoids being nasty but makes it clear that her actions are hurting you and that it would be nice if you could get an explanation. Maybe that can be your "closure."

The more I think about this situation and that she had an ex before, I wonder if perhaps the ex has come back into the picture. Either way, the explanation won't really help you. Gotta find a way to move on. At least you're not married with kids, right?

Edited August 27, 2020 by amerikajin

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

Yes, Wise was very wrong in his assumptions.  She wanted to come to my place because she lived in a 2BR apartment while I lived in a 4BR house with a big fenced in yard, pool, trampoline for our kids, etc.  I also knew everything about her and her family.  No idea how those assumptions were made.

And really, even if those assumptions were correct, it still does not explain or justify why she disappeared with zero conversation and zero warning. 

Regarding your letter, I would only send it if you could handle not getting any reply to that either. There is no guarantee that would motivate her to finally reply to you. I think the only way you are going to get any response is a face-to-face talk. How to go about doing that is the question. Showing up at her place is risky, both for your fear that a man answers the door, or perhaps that she flat-out refuses to even open the door to you. 

[Wiseman2]

It's  odd that you claim all you had was a cell number and LinkedIn connection, never met any of her people, etc. It's also odd that someone disappears and your next step after she doesn't respond to several of your texts is to send her a breakup text. And your next thought is to send her a letter to get things off your chest.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

^^ that's only odd from a logical point of view though. When people are highly emotional they sometimes do contradictory things as they are, for example, fighting the urge to "chase" and trying to keep that under control. It's certainly not always easy.

[Uptown182]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's  odd that you claim all you had was a cell number and LinkedIn connection, never met any of her people, etc. It's also odd that someone disappears and your next step after she doesn't respond to several of your texts is to send her a breakup text. And your next thought is to send her a letter to get things off your chest.

Yup sounds odd when you put out of context this way.  However the OP has stated he’s not on social media, her family lives in another country, and he has met her kids.  They had plans and she never showed up nor did she let him know that she wouldn’t be showing, so understandably he had called and texted with no response from her over the past 6 days.  So it’s not so odd that he would assume they are broken up and she has disappeared on him.  

[amerikajin]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's  odd that you claim all you had was a cell number and LinkedIn connection, never met any of her people, etc. It's also odd that someone disappears and your next step after she doesn't respond to several of your texts is to send her a breakup text. And your next thought is to send her a letter to get things off your chest.

It's odd in retrospect maybe, but only in the sense that his lack of Facebook access might make it harder for him to know that she's apparently carrying on with Facebook activity as if nothing has happened. But not everyone's into social media. He communicates the old fashioned way, with phone calls and personal interaction. Nothing wrong with that at all.

[d0nnivain]

 whoops . . .went to wrong thread.  Sorry. Just ignore me.  

Edited August 27, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Wiseman2]

If you have ruled out foul play/an emergency and ruled out that she could have been unhappy, what is your theory as to why someone would ghost you like this? 

It's highly unusual, to say the least. You even shot down the theory that her waning communication or weekends together could possibly indicated anything.  'Out of the blue' is probably rarer than winning the lotto.

However the one theory that makes sense is she was increasingly unhappy did not communicate this, perhaps met someone and simply had it. Is it possible she found out something about you that she was uncomfortable with?

Even though you let her and her kids stay in your house and let her and her kids on your boat and so on, perhaps she felt like you were in different worlds.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[amerikajin]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have ruled out foul play/an emergency and ruled out that she could have been unhappy, what is your theory as to why someone would ghost you like this? 

It's highly unusual, to say the least. You even shot down the theory that her waning communication or weekends together could possibly indicated anything.  'Out of the blue' is probably rarer than winning the lotto.

However the one theory that makes sense is she was increasingly unhappy did not communicate this, perhaps met someone and simply had it. Is it possible she found out something about you that she was uncomfortable with?

Even though you let her and her kids stay in your house and let her and her kids on your boat and so on, perhaps she felt like you were in different worlds.

I'm guessing there were subtle signs being sent and not picked up on, but I don't blame the OP - it happens.

A relationship is sometimes like a dam that breaks: it breaks slowly, and then all at once.

No point in the OP beating himself up over it.

Edited August 27, 2020 by amerikajin

[CTAtlanta]

On 8/27/2020 at 1:35 PM, amerikajin said:

Since you've taken the time to write it, maybe drive over and just put it in her mailbox and then drive away. I think having a direct confrontation right now can be a little risky, but on the other hand, there's a part of me that when people are engaging in bulls*** behavior, they need to be confronted in some way, somehow. I personally don't see the harm in mailing (or even putting it in her mailbox) a well-thought letter that avoids being nasty but makes it clear that her actions are hurting you and that it would be nice if you could get an explanation. Maybe that can be your "closure."

The more I think about this situation and that she had an ex before, I wonder if perhaps the ex has come back into the picture. Either way, the explanation won't really help you. Gotta find a way to move on. At least you're not married with kids, right?

One of you told me to watch Coach Lee videos on YouTube.  I've been watching them a lot.  I really appreciate the insight.  He makes more sense than anything I've read or seen.  Of course it's not guaranteed, but the No Contact rule just makes sense.  So, although I've written out a long letter that nets out everything I'm feeling I'll just keep it to myself and I won't go over there.  Yes, I know she's fine as she posted on Facebook yesterday some quote, "If you feel like you don't fit in this world it's because you are here to help create a new one."  Not sure what the he** it means but I know she's alive and well.  I don't have any social media, but she was connected with my daughter and my daughter saw that she was active.  That's how I know.

Wise - I don't know why you find those things odd.  I have zero social media, which means I have two modes of contact...a phone and face to face...unless I go really old fashioned and send her a letter via snail mail.  I've also explained multiple times now that she has NO family here other than her 78 yr old non-English speaking grandma and her 2 kids.  Admittedly, looking back now in retrospect I should have met grandma by now.  I guess it was just not a big priority to me or her.  I never really thought about it because she didn't speak a word of English, and I thought it would be awkward.  Hindsight being 20-20...I should have.  That's 100% on me.  She also has very few friends, (if any).  We would typically visit my friends and family.  That said, I just never thought about her network of friends because she's an introverted person that's a homebody and only lived in GA for a couple of yrs and moved 3 times in that period.  I also agree with you that it's extremely odd for someone to disappear; otherwise, I wouldn't be here looking for advice.  Yes, we had our ups and downs like every couple.  We had disagreements, but there was never any yelling/shouting/cursing/physical, etc.  Our biggest issue BY FAR was the distance and only being able to see each other on the weekends.  She would get very frustrated because we couldn't spend more time together, but there is nothing I can do about that.  I can't move because I have an 8 yr old daughter at home with me and my legal papers say that if I move then I have to give up custody and I'm sure as hell not doing that!  On the other hand, she couldn't move because she needed to be close to her grandma to help her constantly.  Couple that with the fact that this Covid crap forces the kids to school from home virtually and we're both stuck at home working, caring for kids and loved ones...1 hour away from each other.  It takes a toll.  That said, she up and disappeared after spending the last weekend together telling me she loved me and then doing so throughout the week...up until last Saturday, which is the last time I heard from her.  I reached out to her multiple times via text, and voice msgs over a period of 3 days and not a single response.  I tried to send her an email via LinkedIn (which is the only social media I have) and she'd blocked me.  Again, I know she's not dead or she wouldn't be on Facebook.  So, what else am I supposed to do other than make the assumption she's written me off?

[schlumpy]

I know this is off-the-wall but I'm looking for any type of influence since this was so sudden.

Is it possible that your Ex had something to do with this? I'm assuming of course that you are divorced and not widowed. How did she feel about this woman who was around her child?

Trying to cover all the bases.