Completely ghosted. after 2 years. hurts very bad.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

Thanks, MsJayne for the thoughtful response.  Under normal circumstances I'd agree with you.  However, this is not the case.  In fact, I even brought up the thought of marriage once in casual conversation not long ago and she shut it down immediately.  She's been married twice.  She said she only wanted to date for the foreseeable future, and was happy just dating.  I wasn't going to push it so I didn't bring it up again.

Hmm, OK, well in that case, yep, it looks like you've been ghosted, and you have my sympathy because it's such a rotten thing to do to someone, especially after such a long time. The annoying thing about people who do this is that even if you make the effort to let them know you're angry at them they don't care, so you just end up feeling dismissed twice. On the upside of it, maybe you've dodged a bullet. If she reappears in a few weeks, or a few months, full of excuses and apologies, you'll know she met someone else and it didn't work out. If that happens I hope you've already met someone else and don't even bother responding. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you don't seem to know who she really is. You claim all you have is a phone number? She has no neighbors, no friends, no job,  just whatever your sister saw on FB?

She's been married 2x has kids, etc. And all you have is a phone number and LinkedIn connection?

Have you ever been to her house? You don't know where she works?

So all you know is that she came to see you every weekend?

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

What do you need CTA to get on the road to recovery?

If she told you why would that allow you move on or would it just be another point to question yourself over?

Please don't spy on her unless you are willing to go all out and hire a PI. The half truths, rumors and emotional guesses you will gather from common friends and social media will only increase the level and intensity of the emotional pain you are experiencing.

You know its takes two people to form a relationship and one of them is missing in your life. That leaves you with very few options depending on your personality and the depth of your feelings.

Some men would date right away others would pine for months. Some men would shrug their shoulders, realize that life isn't fair and turn to other interests.

It's too early to make judgements as to whether you will place yourself in limbo for months. The hurt is too aching. The dreams are too real.

You need someone to talk to that will patiently allow you to repeat yourself over and over endlessly as your mind tries to process what has happened. 

I hope you have some very good friends or a counselor.

 

[Wiseman2]

Seems to be more to the story. It's still hard to believe that you dated 2 yrs and we're "planning a future", but you know nothing about her but a phone number and LinkedIn contact.

[amerikajin]

14 hours ago, CTAtlanta said:

I know there's nothing wrong with her...she's in no danger, hasn't been kidnapped, etc.  My sister has Facebook and saw her on it posting.  I think it's one of a couple things - she's been cheating on me and I never knew...or she just opted out and was too immature to communicate it.

Sucks, man. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I think your instincts are correct. I would start trying to move on without her.

Come back and blog whenever you need to vent.

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, CTAtlanta said:

She's been married twice.  She said she only wanted to date for the foreseeable future, and was happy just dating.  I wasn't going to push it so I didn't bring it up again.

This is evidence that her ghosting on you wasn't done 'out of the blue.' She set you up with this statement, which was your clue to listen to, that dating her would go nowhere in the long run. She had no intention of marrying you and just wanted to date. I think this made you two incompatible from the start. Yet, you spent 2 years seeing each other over long weekends, until she decided she was no longer interested in dating you so she just stopped being consistent in communication etc. I'm sorry but she warned you. You just didn't listen. 

[CTAtlanta]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you don't seem to know who she really is. You claim all you have is a phone number? She has no neighbors, no friends, no job,  just whatever your sister saw on FB?

She's been married 2x has kids, etc. And all you have is a phone number and LinkedIn connection?

Have you ever been to her house? You don't know where she works?

So all you know is that she came to see you every weekend?

 

Hi Wise...I thought I knew her pretty well.

She has no family here in the states except a 78 yr old grandmother that lives close to her and speaks no English.  I never met her grandmother.  Her dad and mom still live back home in S. America so I never met them either.  She moved here 8 yrs ago because she got married to an American guy.  Her children were born here so she doesn't want to take them back to S. America as it's a much better place to raise children here vs there.  I know where she works, but due to Covid she works remotely from home now like many of us do.  I know where she lives and have been there many times.  It's about 1 hour from here.  I've never met any of her friends because she really doesn't have any.  She's a single mom of 2 kids and an elderly grandmother that she cares for...she doesn't do much other than work, care for her kids and (until last weekend) spend time with me.  I'm not sure what other forms of communication I should have besides a phone number and home address these days?  I don't do Instagram/Facebook and all that social media stuff.  I've not heard a single word from her since Saturday despite multiple texts and phone calls from me...the last one being Monday morning.  Some people think I should just drive over there and confront her.  Maybe I should...  I just don't know.  I think there's a part of me that's scared to do that because of what I may find/see.

[CTAtlanta]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

This is evidence that her ghosting on you wasn't done 'out of the blue.' She set you up with this statement, which was your clue to listen to, that dating her would go nowhere in the long run. She had no intention of marrying you and just wanted to date. I think this made you two incompatible from the start. Yet, you spent 2 years seeing each other over long weekends, until she decided she was no longer interested in dating you so she just stopped being consistent in communication etc. I'm sorry but she warned you. You just didn't listen. 

Hi Water...  I would agree with you if this was a long time ago, but I just brought up the idea of marriage in the last 2 months.  Most women and men want to know whether there's a future with the person they've been with for 2 yrs.  She never brought up marriage, but she certainly brought up our long-term future together numerous times.  She wanted to know where I saw "us" in 2 yrs, 5 yrs, etc.  So, one day when she started talking about "us" I brought the idea up that eventually I'd want to get married.  She was a bit shocked and shut it down.  This is primarily due to the fact that her last divorce wasn't too terribly long ago.  They'd been separated for a few yrs...he lived in another state and she lived here in GA.  They eventually got the papers signed earlier this year so it became official.  So, marriage to her was probably not on the near term horizon.  I got it and didn't push.  We were both happy as-is and eventually if she came around to it and I was onboard then so be it.  So, I don't think she "warned me" as you said, and that I didn't listen.  I do greatly appreciate you taking the time to give me a thoughtful response. It's nice to know some people have a heart in this world. 

[CTAtlanta]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

What do you need CTA to get on the road to recovery?

If she told you why would that allow you move on or would it just be another point to question yourself over?

Please don't spy on her unless you are willing to go all out and hire a PI. The half truths, rumors and emotional guesses you will gather from common friends and social media will only increase the level and intensity of the emotional pain you are experiencing.

You know its takes two people to form a relationship and one of them is missing in your life. That leaves you with very few options depending on your personality and the depth of your feelings.

Some men would date right away others would pine for months. Some men would shrug their shoulders, realize that life isn't fair and turn to other interests.

It's too early to make judgements as to whether you will place yourself in limbo for months. The hurt is too aching. The dreams are too real.

You need someone to talk to that will patiently allow you to repeat yourself over and over endlessly as your mind tries to process what has happened. 

I hope you have some very good friends or a counselor.

 

I guess I just want closure more than anything...

When people break up it's usually because they don't get along, they have different ideals, someone cheated, finances, etc, etc.  We had none of that.  I've had that in past relationships but not this one.  We literally have never yelled at each other ever.  We had disagreements in the past...twice in the last 9 months...and we didn't speak for a couple of days but that was it.  Both times it was because of miscommunication between us, which can happen because English isn't her 1st language and sometimes context can get screwed up.  Again, what really just hurts is how "out of the blue" this was.  We literally laid in bed most of last weekend snuggling, telling each other we loved one another, we went to the winery all day, held hands at the table, laughed all day and made plans for this upcoming weekend to celebrate my mom's 77th bday and we made tentative plans to go out West in the Fall for a vacation.  We talked about visiting Idaho or Montana, etc.  It was truly a great weekend.  Then 5 days later...just literally disappeared, blocked me and never responded again after she said she was going to wrap up at the mechanic and try to come over Saturday evening.  That was the last thing I ever heard from her.

It's the "not knowing" part and no closure that hurts the most.

[schlumpy]

20 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

Again, what really just hurts is how "out of the blue" this was.  

It's the "not knowing" part and no closure that hurts the most.

I doubt it was "out of the blue" for her. She's probably been thinking about this for awhile and trying to find the right time and place to tell you. 

It would be better if you didn't care about finding out. That would mean you were on the right path, but I don't know how long it will take you to get there.

If you want to find out, then do so. Just be prepared for bad news, a new level of pain and a lengthened recovery. Sometimes it can't be helped.

Have you considered counseling? 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

Hi Wise...I thought I knew her pretty well.

She has no family here in the states except a 78 yr old grandmother that lives close to her and speaks no English.  I never met her grandmother.  Her dad and mom still live back home in S. America so I never met them either.  She moved here 8 yrs ago because she got married to an American guy.  Her children were born here so she doesn't want to take them back to S. America as it's a much better place to raise children here vs there.  I know where she works, but due to Covid she works remotely from home now like many of us do.  I know where she lives and have been there many times.  It's about 1 hour from here.  I've never met any of her friends because she really doesn't have any.  She's a single mom of 2 kids and an elderly grandmother that she cares for...she doesn't do much other than work, care for her kids and (until last weekend) spend time with me.  I'm not sure what other forms of communication I should have besides a phone number and home address these days?  I don't do Instagram/Facebook and all that social media stuff.  I've not heard a single word from her since Saturday despite multiple texts and phone calls from me...the last one being Monday morning.  Some people think I should just drive over there and confront her.  Maybe I should...  I just don't know.  I think there's a part of me that's scared to do that because of what I may find/see.

So, you don't know anything about her family, friends, etc. because you've only seen her on weekends over a 2 year period?! You've never met her grandmother or other family members in 2 years, or friends or coworkers? Really?

Have you ever seen that 1990 movie, Green Card with Andie MacDowell and Gerad Depardieu? Your situation makes me think of that movie. Do you know if her visa to be in the U.S. has expired or will expire? Does she already have naturalized citizenship from one of her previous 2 marriages? 

I would just move on with your life from this weird relationship. It doesn't come across as very 'sound.' 

Edited August 26, 2020 by Watercolors

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

She has no family here in the states except a 78 yr old grandmother that lives close to her and speaks no English.  I never met her grandmother.  Her dad and mom still live back home in S. America so I never met them either.  She moved here 8 yrs ago because she got married to an American guy.  Her children were born here so she doesn't want to take them back to S. America as it's a much better place to raise children here vs there.  I know where she works, but due to Covid she works remotely from home now like many of us do.  I know where she lives and have been there many times.  It's about 1 hour from here.  I've never met any of her friends because she really doesn't have any.  She's a single mom of 2 kids and an elderly grandmother that she cares for...she doesn't do much other than work, care for her kids and (until last weekend) spend time with me.

Hmm. 

Covid hasn't been a problem for the entire past 2 years. Where did she work before she started working from home due to the pandemic? 

Why didn't you meet her grandmother? I understand there was a language barrier (I'm obviously an expat myself and live in a country where English isn't the mother tongue) but I still don't see why you wouldn't have met her at least once. She lives very nearby, no? I assume your ex could have acted as interpreter. I am also a little surprised that she wouldn't want you to meet Granny, given that she has no other family in the US and might have been happy to integrate her two worlds. Whenever family or friends from home happen be here in Italy I am always ecstatic to introduce them to my (local) partner.  Do you wonder if perhaps she was attempting to keep those two worlds from colliding, for some reason? 

I can appreciate that she is busy and likely doesn't have much time for friends, and also that living abroad can make forming friendships tricky. However, in light of her random disappearance, I have to wonder how honest she was being about that. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

blocked me and never responded again after she said she was going to wrap up at the mechanic and try to come over Saturday evening.  T

Only you know what happened between the mechanic conversation an being blocked. And you know why she left and it wasn't about wine tasting, hand holding etc.

[CTAtlanta]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Hmm. 

Covid hasn't been a problem for the entire past 2 years. Where did she work before she started working from home due to the pandemic? 

Why didn't you meet her grandmother? I understand there was a language barrier (I'm obviously an expat myself and live in a country where English isn't the mother tongue) but I still don't see why you wouldn't have met her at least once. She lives very nearby, no? I assume your ex could have acted as interpreter. I am also a little surprised that she wouldn't want you to meet Granny, given that she has no other family in the US and might have been happy to integrate her two worlds. Whenever family or friends from home happen be here in Italy I am always ecstatic to introduce them to my (local) partner.  Do you wonder if perhaps she was attempting to keep those two worlds from colliding, for some reason? 

I can appreciate that she is busy and likely doesn't have much time for friends, and also that living abroad can make forming friendships tricky. However, in light of her random disappearance, I have to wonder how honest she was being about that. 

Hi Expat...

Good question about grandmom.  I guess I should have met her grandmom, but I just never did.  She's met my family.  I know her kids well, but never met grandmom.  Ironically, we were talking about getting her grandmom and my mom together last Saturday at our local winery.  We laughed about it because her grandmom only speaks spanish and of course my mom only speaks english so it would have been an awkward meeting I guess.  Everyone here gives such good sound advice and many things I'd have never really thought of before.  I just never thought meeting grandma was a big issue.

[CTAtlanta]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only you know what happened between the mechanic conversation an being blocked. And you know why she left and it wasn't about wine tasting, hand holding etc.

Actually, I have no idea what happened.  She sent me a msg saying she was at the mechanic and that it was taking longer than expected but that she hoped it would be wrapped up soon so she could cover over with her kids.  That was literally the last thing I ever heard from her.

[CTAtlanta]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

So, you don't know anything about her family, friends, etc. because you've only seen her on weekends over a 2 year period?! You've never met her grandmother or other family members in 2 years, or friends or coworkers? Really?

Have you ever seen that 1990 movie, Green Card with Andie MacDowell and Gerad Depardieu? Your situation makes me think of that movie. Do you know if her visa to be in the U.S. has expired or will expire? Does she already have naturalized citizenship from one of her previous 2 marriages? 

I would just move on with your life from this weird relationship. It doesn't come across as very 'sound.' 

No, I've not seen the movie.  She's a naturalized citizen.  The only family that she has here are kids and grandmom.  She's not seen her parents in 7 yrs because where they live in S. America it's somewhat difficult and dangerous for Americans to visit (Venezuela)...and incredibly difficult for them to leave their country because of what's going on there.  I've met the kids countless times, but never grandma.  I guess I never pushed to meet grandma because she spoke no English and I figured it would be awkward.  Perhaps I should have, but not sure how that would have changed our current circumstances.  She's only been in her current job a few months and it's completely remote, as is mine, so no coworkers near to even meet.

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, CTAtlanta said:

Good question about grandmom.  I guess I should have met her grandmom, but I just never did.  She's met my family.  I know her kids well, but never met grandmom.  Ironically, we were talking about getting her grandmom and my mom together last Saturday at our local winery.  We laughed about it because her grandmom only speaks spanish and of course my mom only speaks english so it would have been an awkward meeting I guess.  Everyone here gives such good sound advice and many things I'd have never really thought of before.  I just never thought meeting grandma was a big issue.

Sure, it might have been awkward but I don't think a language barrier is a good enough reason to have not introduced you at least once.  My partner's mom doesn't speak English, and my parents don't speak Italian, so when everyone met here in Italy, my boyfriend and I translated for them.  It worked, and was funny as we struggled with certain untranslated terms and the speed at which the conversation was happening!  Heck, when I first met my boyfriend's mom, I barely spoke any Italian. I spent time with her, with him translating, as I improved my language skills. (I can now speak to her on my own) 

It's not necessarily that meeting her grandmother would have changed the course of your relationship. What would give me pause is wondering if there was some specific reason she didn't want you to meet her. It might be nothing, but I find it strange that she never felt motivated to introduce you to the only family member she has there.  Maybe Grandma knows some things about your ex that she didn't want coming out? Hard to say. Do you know if her children spent time with Grandma?

[CTAtlanta]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sure, it might have been awkward but I don't think a language barrier is a good enough reason to have not introduced you at least once.  My partner's mom doesn't speak English, and my parents don't speak Italian, so when everyone met here in Italy, my boyfriend and I translated for them.  It worked, and was funny as we struggled with certain untranslated terms and the speed at which the conversation was happening!  Heck, when I first met my boyfriend's mom, I barely spoke any Italian. I spent time with her, with him translating, as I improved my language skills. (I can now speak to her on my own) 

It's not necessarily that meeting her grandmother would have changed the course of your relationship. What would give me pause is wondering if there was some specific reason she didn't want you to meet her. It might be nothing, but I find it strange that she never felt motivated to introduce you to the only family member she has there.  Maybe Grandma knows some things about your ex that she didn't want coming out? Hard to say. Do you know if her children spent time with Grandma?

Yes, her children spend a lot of time with grandma.  She used to have full time custody when the ex lived out of state...so the only time she ever had to herself or to spend with me without the kids was when grandma watched them.  It's the primary reason why she lives 1 hour away from me.  She needs the help sometimes from her grandma.  At one time she almost rented near me so we could spend more time together, but the place contract fell through and she was in a bind...so she moved to be close to grandma.  Now that the ex has moved back (about a year ago) to GA he gets the kids every other weekend.  I went to try and send her an email via LinkedIn, but she blocked me from her profile.  I have no way to contact her except to drive there and ask for a F2F meeting.  Not sure I want to do that.  Many people keep saying I should; however, I'm admittedly scared.  I might show up and some guy answers the door. I'm also tempted to send another text or try and call her again...but at what point do I look desperate?  She knows I've called, I've seen text msgs...including the last long one on Monday morning asking what happened.  No response on anything.  Just like she disappeared off the face of the planet.  It hurts.

[Irishgo]

You have no ties with this woman kids ect ?

[amerikajin]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

Yes, her children spend a lot of time with grandma.  She used to have full time custody when the ex lived out of state...so the only time she ever had to herself or to spend with me without the kids was when grandma watched them.  It's the primary reason why she lives 1 hour away from me.  She needs the help sometimes from her grandma.  At one time she almost rented near me so we could spend more time together, but the place contract fell through and she was in a bind...so she moved to be close to grandma.  Now that the ex has moved back (about a year ago) to GA he gets the kids every other weekend.  I went to try and send her an email via LinkedIn, but she blocked me from her profile.  I have no way to contact her except to drive there and ask for a F2F meeting.  Not sure I want to do that.  Many people keep saying I should; however, I'm admittedly scared.  I might show up and some guy answers the door. I'm also tempted to send another text or try and call her again...but at what point do I look desperate?  She knows I've called, I've seen text msgs...including the last long one on Monday morning asking what happened.  No response on anything.  Just like she disappeared off the face of the planet.  It hurts.

A part of me would want closure - I would think I'm entitled to it. Unfortunately, we don't always control that.

Another part of me would try to say "eff her" and move on, but I know that's easier said than done.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, CTAtlanta said:

I'm also tempted to send another text or try and call her again...but at what point do I look desperate?  She knows I've called, I've seen text msgs...including the last long one on Monday morning asking what happened.  No response on anything.  Just like she disappeared off the face of the planet.  It hurts.

It’s completely normal that you’re hurt and want answers. Many will tell you to stop searching for answers, but realistically, I doubt many would have the fortitude to be able to do that and just walk away. Most would be going out of their minds trying to figure out what the heck just happened. 

I don’t know what more you could do to elicit a response from her. Unexpectedly showing up at her house might not yield the result you’re hoping for, even if there’s no other man hanging around. 

How did you meet her?

[CTAtlanta]

2 hours ago, Irishgo said:

You have no ties with this woman kids ect ?

No, they're both under 10 yrs old.  If they were teens they'd have phones, etc. and perhaps I could ask them what's going on.

[CTAtlanta]

2 hours ago, amerikajin said:

A part of me would want closure - I would think I'm entitled to it. Unfortunately, we don't always control that.

Another part of me would try to say "eff her" and move on, but I know that's easier said than done.

Trust me...that's the battle I fight every minute.  Do I drive over there and knock on the door or just say F her and have NC?

My family says I should drive over there and knock on the door.  Admittedly, I'm afraid of what I may find/see.  I'd lose it if some guy answered the door...

[CTAtlanta]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It’s completely normal that you’re hurt and want answers. Many will tell you to stop searching for answers, but realistically, I doubt many would have the fortitude to be able to do that and just walk away. Most would be going out of their minds trying to figure out what the heck just happened. 

I don’t know what more you could do to elicit a response from her. Unexpectedly showing up at her house might not yield the result you’re hoping for, even if there’s no other man hanging around. 

How did you meet her?

Hi Expat - 

Yes, showing up unexpectedly seems to be the only way I can find out what happened.  The downside is I lose it if some guy opens the door. 

We met 2 yrs ago at a playground not far from where I'm at now.  Our kids started playing together and the rest is history.  She used to live closer to me at the time, but then the owner of the house she was renting did not let her renew her lease.  She got really desperate because there's virtually no housing availability around here, so she had to move across town 1 hour away into her grandma's house in the middle of the school yr...and she enrolled her kids there.  The 1 hour distance and only being able to see each other on the weekends was by far our biggest issue.  The only thing keeping her out there was her grandma.  Her 78 yr old grandma has no car, and speaks no English...so she'd find herself constantly having to drive across town at the drop of hat to help her grandma.  It was very tough.  The last weekend we were together we even talked about her grandma potentially moving to South Florida as she has extended family there that speaks Spanish.  Obviously, it would allow her to move back over here near me if she didn't need to take care of her grandma.  We only discussed it because we were trying to plan for our own future.

[schlumpy]

I think if you just wait you will find out in manner that is not as ego busting as Mr. Alpha male opening the door. One of your friends or family will see her with someone else and the mystery will be solved. Then you will know. No reason to confront and lose it. 

When she tries to come back, that's when you will have the upper hand.

You need to plan for that day so you don't lose it.