Growing distance and snapping

[Lulu958]

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now, we are a young couple in our mid twenties and we have lived together for most of our four years together.

Earlier this year, at the start and height of the covid pandemic, my dad was diagnosed with a debilitating cancer. My boyfriend was supportive, drove me hours to go see him when we were allowed to, and put up with my tears and tribulations. 

He has been out of the country for over a month now (he returned how to his home country to visit his parents), and will be returning next week. As I do not want to self isolate with him, I will be living at a family’s place for at least two weeks if not longer. 

He has his own life stressors and his own problems, but we barely talk anymore because I am fearful of him snapping at me. It just seems like I can’t say or do anything right around him anymore. My dad is receiving treatment right now and I hope that he will improve but right now I feel like such a burden on my boyfriend and that I am putting additional stress on him even though I try and keep things in my life separate to not bother him as much. 

I’ve never felt so lonely in my life and I feel the pressure to stay strong for my family and my dad but all the while I am worrying what is happening to mine and my boyfriend’s relationship. 

[d0nnivain]

Covid's toll effects people in may ways.  Quarantining from your BF to protect your dad is prudent but heartbreaking.  There are no easy answers here.   Once you can get back in the same house you & your guy need to have a heart to heart about your respective expectations.  Something is wrong & the snapping is just a symptom

My prayers go out to your dad.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Are you and your BF from different cultures? Are you both students or working? How did you meet?

Take care of yourself and your family issues. Enlist the support of friends, family and some counseling if you feel too stressed.

Just scale back on chatting with the BF until he's back.  Why did you move in together so quickly?

[mark clemson]

Two sides of a coin -

Not all relationships go the distance, even after significant "investment"...

IMO the vast majority of successful LTRs will have rough patches and being able to work through/overcome those is part of what makes a very LTR, such as a lifetime marriage possible.

 

More thoughts for you -

There is no reason to stick with a guy who "vents" on you. However, some people need to be shown what they are doing and understand the harm it is doing before they are able to take a step back and assess their own behavior.

There are LOT of couples counselors out there. And that's for a very real reason. Going the distance is often hard and sometimes it helps to have a referee and/or third perspective on a couple's issues. It's also true that if you NEED a couples' counselor in your early 20's, well, that might be saying something about the LT compatibility here.

Overall, you need to think about what you want this to be. And recognize that, just because you want it to be something, doesn't mean it will actually be that. Sacrificing your own happiness (IF that's really what it would take) to maintain the R, probably isn't worth it.

 

The reason for all these platitudes is to give you food for thought at what possibly might be an inflection point in this relationship.

[rjc149]

You can't live in fear of your boyfriend snapping at you. That's no way to have a relationship. 

You need to set boundaries clearly for him next time he snaps. 

"Listen, I understand that you have a lot of stress right now, but you are not allowed to vent that on me and speak to me like that. Check your tone, and when you're able to speak to me like a civilized adult, then reach out."

Now the line is clear. If he won't respect it, you need to be able to walk away.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.