Rcwish Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 Hi friends, Long post but I'll make it as brief as possible. I've know my wife since high school. We were simply acquaintances and eventually moved to different countries, me to the US and her in Belgium. We connected in 2014 during a trip and reconnected then started dating. It was a long distance thing where we'd both travel to see each other. She's a great woman with great values. She was my first actual relationship and having mutual friends helped. She wanted to get married early on in the relationship and I felt that I needed to get my finances together since if she moves to the US I'd have to take care of her. I was working towards getting things together but I felt pressured. She'd get emotional when I'd mention that we're not ready and we've had a fair bit of arguments about that. I felt pressured and wasn't comfortable with it deep down. One of the arguments led us to separate for 5 weeks during which I went to Belgium to see friends when I initially planned to go see her. Her mom had to call me asking me to go see her. We ended up getting married 2 years into the relationship. In hindsight I did it under pressure because that day I was not comfortable with it and kept telling myself I was overanalyzing. We had conversations about finances and having children prior to the wedding and after the wedding is when I realized that all those conversations were not important to her as she told me one time she didn't know how much I made, and I asked her if she'd still want to get married and have children if I wasn't working and didn't have money and she said yes, which threw me off. I brought up the conversation about kids again and I asked her to not throw tantrums as she used to do about the wedding when I tell her I'm not ready which we both weren't (Immigration, her starting to work, Pay off debt...), and to never pregnancy trap me which she cried about and said how could think that of her and so on. The tantrums didn't stop and she pregnancy trapped me after a few months. I wasn't mad at her when that happened but I was more mad at myself for not being honest with myself from the start about my feelings instead of doing things just so she doesn't get upset. While she was pregnant, I was there for her but as time went the relationship faded and we became roomates. The hospital bills were high, part of my money went to putting her to school which she never finished because her pregnancy was hard on her. She wanted me to be a lover and I wasn't. I couldn't be what she wanted me to be and things kept getting worse. The baby was born and luckily we both prioritized her. My wife was hoping I'd change and become a lover to her but it wasn't happening. We barely had sex and the times we did, she could feel that I wasn't there. I had lost all desire and attraction towards her. She was getting frustrated and telling me that I don't love her. I was coming up with excuses because I did not want to accept it myself. I wanted to have 1 marriage and keep my family. I eventually realized that we were having a lot of differences and I went from being an outspoken man to avoiding to speak my mind because I wouldn't want to deal with her reactions. I was also realizing that I was not missing her during times we spent apart and before having a child she had asked for a divorce after an argument and I agreed. It ended up not happening after parents intervened. Recently I asked myself if she walked out of my life would I be sad and the answer was no. I realized that I may never have been in love with her after all. She moved back to Belgium so the baby (Now 2 y/o) can spend time with that side of the family for a few months. During that time I realized that I did not miss my wife once and I do miss my baby everyday. I finally decided to be honest with my wife and tell her how I was feeling and still feeling. I promised to not lie to myself about my feelings as I see it's ending up hurting her. We've been married 3 and a half years but haven't been happy for the 3 years. She's spent many nights crying and is hoping that I become the man she wants. She has told me that she would have rather have me beat her than make her go through the emotional pain she's going through. She feels rejected which I completely understand. Sadly, I've thought about this for the past year and have thought her the best thing would be to divorce and that she can find happiness with someone else. We are both great parents and can work on coparenting. I don't want my child remembering her parents this way and I also don't want to get to the point where I'll start having an affair. My wife has cried when I told her about the divorce and asked to give it a chance. I suggested we see a marriage counselor but she says she doesn't feel like we need it. I personally don't think marriage counseling can help me fall in love with her but I'm willing to give it a shot since you never know. She sends me messages asking if I miss her though I have told her that I don't. If I tell her the truth she gets upset and if I lie she calls me out on my lack of honesty. Today she hasn't talked to me all day because she asked if I miss her and I responded "I'm sorry if my response hurt you, but I want to stop lying to myself and to you about how I feel. I don't feel I miss you and again I'm sorry if that hurts you". To sum up, I love her as the mother of my child but I am not in love with her. I don't want to get intimate with her. I believe she'll be happier with someone else but she doesn't believe it and I absolutely want to do my best to help her find happiness and find someone better than me. Perhaps I am being too dramatic or too harsh but I am looking forward to hearing from you guys' opinions. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 I don't think you must waste any more time. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life as brother and sister, you must end it and look after for the baby. It is bizarre that she does not get that you are not in love with her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 You need to be completely honest with your wife and tell her straight out "I'm no longer in love with you and I want a divorce." She will be hurt and so will you but this is the only way to break this cycle. You are correct that nothing can make you magically fall in love with her. The kind thing to do is divorce so she will have a chance to meet a man who will love her the way she wants and you can find a woman you want to be with also. There is no easy way to do this without someone getting hurt but will be worth it to both of you in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 Sorry to hear this. You'll need a good attorney to figure out custody if there is an international situation. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 25, 2020 Share Posted August 25, 2020 Who are you in love with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rcwish Posted August 25, 2020 Author Share Posted August 25, 2020 3 hours ago, schlumpy said: Who are you in love with? I'm not sure what you're asking. I am not in love with anyone else if that's what you're asking. Link to post Share on other sites
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