How can I seperate my dating life from the exes, and sex too?

[Idontknow100]

I'm new here and I never thought I would ever come back here, but my ex has a lot of friends that frequent online, and I just need to talk about this and move past this. I didn't know where to post this :( 

He said I could message him but I don't want to. He's seeing someone else now and I think he's pretty smitten by her. He is also very insensitive to my needs, and tells me about the expensive jewelry and dinner he buys her. 

We were together for three years -but- he was never as committed to the relationship as I was. It was more of a casual relationship on his side, and yes it lasted 3 years, but he was dating other women the entire time behind my back. I was okay with it because I just lost my mom to cancer and I was feeling really sad about it. When he met this women he was falling for, he told me he didn't feel the same way about me and to get over it. I was kind of shocked but he fist pumped me playfully in the cheek and said "we had no future and you knew it, you were like my pet". I kind of felt icky about it but I accepted it and told him not to have any contact with me again. 

He felt kind of sorry for me since I made him feel sorry for me by telling him how I felt everytime he reached out to me. He had some friends reach out to tell me to date and move on which is where my problem is now; why I need the help. 

I can't go near other men, I just can't bring myself to date. I also can't have sex because he has placed himself so much in my dating life that it doesn't feel private at the moment. I also can't have sex because right as the sex begins, I envision him and his new girlfriend and it makes me want to barf. I just grabbed some wings and a pop from the bar. I'm sitting here debating on weather or not I need to hire a break up coach to help keep my mind off this, or what I should do to reach a point where I can look at my own dating life. I don't want him back but I don't want to be reminded of him and his relationship either so I need some advice. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That's step number one. Then you need to get to your doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Don't waste money on "coaches".

Reach out to trusted real life friends and family for support.

At some level you know getting and staying involved with this was caused by underlying unaddressed issues, not the other way around.

Once you get help and feel better, you'll make better choices.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

How can you get over it? You can get angry that he thought so little of you. It's makes me angry for him to refer to you in such a condescending manner. I think at that moment violence was called for. Not much of a human being there to work with and definitely not someone to be in love with. I don't particular like people who are users and he does qualify.

You have to quit looking at this as love. It was emotional abuse and something about your emotional makeup has allowed it happen. It could be just the way you are. Some people get deeply attached in a very short period of time. You should consider if it also could be tied some past experience that has conditioned you to accept this type of treatment as normal. It isn't and you should seek counseling to help to fix it so you will be less vulnerable in the future.

NC and time is your only hope right now. You will have to avoid common friends and common places of attendance. It would be nice if you could get away and isolate for a while. In the past rich Americans would send their love damaged daughters overseas or across country for a few months with the hope that they would recover. I think it worked many times.

Why don't you try the same thing?

You don't state your age but if you are early twenties or younger with no career prospects or university obligations then consider finding a seasonal job somewhere far away. The national parks hire people all the time to staff many jobs from counter work to pumping gas. You can stay in the employee dorms and get some solitude on the trails in your off-time as well as brisk exercise that can meld your body to your mind.

My wife's friend spent two years working a job in The United Arab Emirates which she found to be a "unique" experience.

Right now you feel no options. Create those options for yourself.

Put yourself out there with the courage to plot a new course.

Who knows what can happen and that's the best part of life.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Idontknow100 said:

I can't go near other men, I just can't bring myself to date. I also can't have sex because he has placed himself so much in my dating life that it doesn't feel private at the moment. 

How has he placed himself in your dating life?

 

[Idontknow100]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How has he placed himself in your dating life?

 

He took over a few of my networks and catfished me to give me advice on dating. At first, I thought he just wanted me to move on from him so I contacted him directly and wished him well. I asked for no contact and admitted that I was not in a healthy attachment to him. 

I met with a few people just for outtings and they tried to encourage me to want a relationship. He wrote a lot to me and said he was investing in me since no one else has or would. 

I'm really going to struggle to move on over the next few months and gain my confidence back. I don't have many friends because I wasn't too comfortable being around people until I was well enough to handle being in a social setting again. I was just trying to make a few one on one friendships to start. Everytime I found out the person was associated to him, I did not continue a friendship with them and tried to get the distance so I could move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

He took over a few of my networks and catfished me to give me advice on dating. At first, I thought he just wanted me to move on from him so I contacted him directly and wished him well. I asked for no contact and admitted that I was not in a healthy attachment to him. 

I met with a few people just for outtings and they tried to encourage me to want a relationship. He wrote a lot to me and said he was investing in me since no one else has or would. 

So, in other words, you were letting him insert himself in your life. 

This isn't a knock at you, to be very clear. It's obvious you are unhealthily attached to him and in too deep to really see the forest for the trees - and tell him to take a hike and block him. I don't think you need a break-up coach, but some general counselling would be beneficial. There appears to be some deeply-rooted issues with self-esteem for having gotten so entangled with a such a bad catch for so long. There is something inside you in desperate need of some compassionate care and guidance. 

When you reach a place where your self-worth has been restored, then you will be ready to date again. Now is not the time.  It will be too painful, and the wrong men will sniff out your vulnerabilities a mile off and take advantage of them. You don't need more d-bags in your life. You will likely also then find you're better prepared to develop new friendships and create a healthier, more balanced life for yourself. 

[d0nnivain]

NC is your friend.  Stop interacting with him & block him everywhere.  

Since you know he catfishes you stop interacting with people who try to friend you on line if you don't know them in real life.   You have done well to eliminate people you know are connected to him. 

Take some time to heal.  Reconnect with old friends.  Find new hobbies & outlets.  

[Idontknow100]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, in other words, you were letting him insert himself in your life. 

This isn't a knock at you, to be very clear. It's obvious you are unhealthily attached to him and in too deep to really see the forest for the trees - and tell him to take a hike and block him. I don't think you need a break-up coach, but some general counselling would be beneficial. There appears to be some deeply-rooted issues with self-esteem for having gotten so entangled with a such a bad catch for so long. There is something inside you in desperate need of some compassionate care and guidance. 

When you reach a place where your self-worth has been restored, then you will be ready to date again. Now is not the time.  It will be too painful, and the wrong men will sniff out your vulnerabilities a mile off and take advantage of them. You don't need more d-bags in your life. You will likely also then find you're better prepared to develop new friendships and create a healthier, more balanced life for yourself. 

I'm so angry at the people who approached me on his behalf over the years, after I moved so far away, what can I do? I've yelled at them but it does nothing. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

I'm so angry at the people who approached me on his behalf over the years, after I moved so far away, what can I do? I've yelled at them but it does nothing. 

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and everyone associated with him from all social media and messaging apps. Reset your social media so only people you really know can see your content. protect yourself.

[Idontknow100]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you have deleted and blocked him and everyone associated with him from all social media and messaging apps. Reset your social media so only people you really know can see your content. protect yourself. I'm one of them too 

I shouldn't have to as I have made it very clear that I don't want him involved anywhere in my life. As far as the online trolls go, there is one that just doesn't seem to want to leave and i don't know why. 

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

I'm so angry at the people who approached me on his behalf over the years, after I moved so far away, what can I do? I've yelled at them but it does nothing. 

In which way did these people approach you, and how do you know they did so for him? Who are these people?

A lot of questions, I realize. I’m just trying to make sense of the situation. 

[Idontknow100]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In which way did these people approach you, and how do you know they did so for him? Who are these people?

A lot of questions, I realize. I’m just trying to make sense of the situation. 

A few websites, a few life coaches, had a painter at my work involved, a women friend, another man. I knew from being associated that they were involved. Over the course of no contact, I went out with a guy to Swiss chalet for dinner. They all tried to encourage me to jump into a relationship. 

I'm not sure I was any of their business and I know it was wrong. This guy met someone and he's made it very clear that he is very happy. I've asked him repeatedly to stay out of my life but he doesn't want to. He says I'm the one who needs to block this and find my own closure. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Idontknow100 said:

A few websites, a few life coaches, had a painter at my work involved, a women friend, another man. I knew from being associated that they were involved. Over the course of no contact, I went out with a guy to Swiss chalet for dinner. They all tried to encourage me to jump into a relationship. 

Them encouraging you to get into a relationship means he sent them? 

You knew from being associated...with what, exactly? What payoff would all these people have from trolling you for your ex?

This is confusing, forgive me. I’m wondering if your vulnerability and fear is leading you to make connections between people that are not actually there. 

[Idontknow100]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Them encouraging you to get into a relationship means he sent them? 

You knew from being associated...with what, exactly? What payoff would all these people have from trolling you for your ex?

This is confusing, forgive me. I’m wondering if your vulnerability and fear is leading you to make connections between people that are not actually there. 

Nice try but not the case. This did happen and I know that for a fact my dear. I'm not stupid and not to scare anyone , but it wasn't my first rodeo so you could not stalk me if you tried! This same guy also set up dating profiles, linked in and indeed accounts. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

He says I'm the one who needs to block this and find my own closure. 

He's right.  As long as you leave any of them unblocked you will remain stuck where you are.  It is up to you to protect yourself and it is simple enough to do by blocking.  It's not a matter of you shouldn't have to do it, it will be doing it for your OWN good.  It would really help you to stay offline for a good while.

Edited August 26, 2020 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

I shouldn't have to....

You are solely responsible for your online presence and whatever ensues from that. If people bother you it's your right to delete them online, in your life, whatever. Try not to take a passive victim stance and it will help you in the future.

Edited August 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Idontknow100]

He did this on purpose. The guy was never into me and it was all a big game to him. It was very hurtful as I don't need anyone's protection online. I told the guy to leave and he leaves. End of story. This guys not stuck, he's been happy all along. Not even one day where he was affected or bothered by this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

Nice try but not the case. This did happen and I know that for a fact my dear. I'm not stupid and not to scare anyone , but it wasn't my first rodeo so you could not stalk me if you tried! This same guy also set up dating profiles, linked in and indeed accounts. 

Alright, then. Next time, go to the authorities. They can help you with being harassed, especially by this many people. 

And now? Block him. Forever. 

[Idontknow100]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Alright, then. Next time, go to the authorities. They can help you with being harassed, especially by this many people. 

And now? Block him. Forever. 

I did go to the authorities and they have done nothing. I had random guys message me and responding to messages I sent him. He is blocked. I don't talk to any of them but on this forum. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

I did go to the authorities and they have done nothing. I had random guys message me and responding to messages I sent him. He is blocked. I don't talk to any of them but on this forum. 

Do you mean that some posters here are associated with him as well?

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

This guys not stuck, he's been happy all along. Not even one day where he was affected or bothered by this. 

I never said he was "stuck" but you are and can't get over him.  That is why you need to block him and all the other parties.  Just take a break offline.

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

I don't talk to any of them but on this forum. 

Some of them are on this forum??????

[Idontknow100]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Some of them are on this forum??????

Yes, there has been profiles on this forum that have called me a barking dog and have hurt me. I've had one guy message me in response to a direct message I had sent him. 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Idontknow100 said:

Yes, there has been profiles on this forum that have called me a barking dog and have hurt me. I've had one guy message me in response to a direct message I had sent him. 

Did you report it to the Moderators here?  They are vicious about name calling so I can't see that being tolerated on LoveShack.  Are you also under different name here because you don't have enough posts to allow messaging here yet.

Edited August 26, 2020 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

  Are you also under different name here because you don't have enough posts to allow messaging here yet.

I was about to ask the same thing.

OP, if someone here was bothering you, did you report it the moderators?