Tree lover Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 The father of my son is my abuser. We broke up while I was pregnant with our son and he threatened to kill me. This man has threatened to kill me and slit my throat, threw glasses at me, punched me, pushed me, kicked my legs out from under me, slammed my head into my car, broken my ribs, attacked me with our son in our presence, left my face scarred, and so many other things. I have other threads detailing his abuse. tonight, for the first time in about six years, we had sex. Our baby fell asleep and the next thing I knew, we were in his bed. It’s the first time either of us have had sex since the last time we were together. It was incredible, it was everything I wanted. He just knew what I was thinking every step of the way. After he fell asleep I got our son and went home. Now, my ex is awake. He’s calling crying, and I can’t bring myself to answer. He’s sobbing, asking why we left, asking me why we made “the best love he’s ever had” if I was just going to leave while he was asleep. I don’t know why I left. I don’t know why I slept with him. I don’t know why I had to be so cruel. I need insight, even if it’s telling me I’m a bad person. What do I do for him? Am I now his abuser? I feel so ashamed because I’ve now hurt him. Again. Please, any input appreciated.
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 How come he's not in jail for all the assaults? 3
Author Tree lover Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: How come he's not in jail for all the assaults? He did go to jail for the last one. I chose to not cooperate and he didn’t do any more time. I think he was fined.
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, Tree lover said: He did go to jail for the last one. I chose to not cooperate and he didn’t do any more time. I think he was fined. You need to get child support on your child's behalf. You also need to get a restraining order. Stop putting your child in danger and hooking up with a man you claim beats you . Get some help with your mental and physical health. Especially keep yourself and your child safe. Do you and this guy do drugs together? Why are you going there for sex? 1 1
Author Tree lover Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: You need to get child support on your child's behalf. You also need to get a restraining order. Stop putting your child in danger and hooking up with a man you claim beats you . Get some help with your mental and physical health. Especially keep yourself and your child safe. Do you and this guy do drugs together? Why are you going there for sex? We were there for their visitation and ended up staying longer. His restraining order has since been dropped. I am not a drug user and my ex smokes weed on occasion. As I mentioned, this is the first time we’ve had sex in six years
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) On 8/26/2020 at 3:07 AM, Tree lover said: I don’t know why I left. I don’t know why I slept with him. I don’t know why I had to be so cruel. I need insight, even if it’s telling me I’m a bad person. What do I do for him? Am I now his abuser? I feel so ashamed because I’ve now hurt him. And such is the cycle of abuse. You go back and it is good... for a while. But you have also seen the bad. And it’s really bad. He now has you feeling badly for him. Feeling sorry for him. Hoping that you will come back again... It’s a vicious circle. Sorry, I have no sympathy for a man who hurt a woman, the mother of his child, the way he has hurt you. He is a big boy, he will get over it. If you haven’t had any counselling yet, I would strongly suggest that you find yourself a counsellor. Not only for you, but because you have a child and you need to have your head on straight here... The simple fact is, a relationship that has been as abusive as this relationship has been is not just going to miraculously turn into a healthy relationship for everyone involved. Stop romanticizing your relationship with your abuser. Remember your child, you have an obligation to keep your child AND his mother safe - especially if the threat is his father. Don’t be surprised if he escalates from here. Be safe. Get some counselling. Edited August 29, 2020 by BaileyB 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 You are not a bad person. You are human. But don't get back together with him. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 On 8/26/2020 at 1:07 AM, Tree lover said: The father of my son is my abuser. tonight, for the first time in about six years, we had sex. I don’t know why I left. I don’t know why I slept with him. I don’t know why I had to be so cruel. I need insight, even if it’s telling me I’m a bad person. What do I do for him? Am I now his abuser? I feel so ashamed because I’ve now hurt him. Again. Please, any input appreciated. (deep, contemplative thought) What if, after so many celibate years... you have finally healed enough so that you were able, and wanted to experience your own vulnerability again ? Your inner self knows a level of sexual comfort with this person (even if he's a threat when you're not actually having sex) (and there's a chance that you aren't familiar with steady/repeated sex with a good partner {so you don't know any difference} ) Now you're potentially even more confused, because the renewed experience that was exposing your vulnerability in a sexual way went WELL... in that you were given no reason to regret the actual sexual experience. Your being "cruel" isn't even on the radar of considerations in all of this. You're really in search of ways to come to terms with yourself, and understand why the choice you made affected you as it did. Now you have that inner yearning for "more of same" regarding the sex alone. Not only that, but when we have sex with someone, we see them in a better light because of the sex. (so now the things to ponder are snowballing) IF you want a way to finesse yourself away from that path, then reason that the experience was a means through which YOU could experience yourself to figure out just where you are, and that HE was a constant (rather than a variable that would be a different partner) making it easier for you to measure your own progress and your own spot in the world in 2020 (from having been able to sort of see yourself reflected in his eyes and actions).
Commongoal123 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Abusers like this are manipulators, both emotionally and psychologically...plain and simple He is playing the sob story to manipulate you into feeling bad (emotionally) and make you think twice about "what you did" (psychologically) all for the end goal of getting you back under his control. He may even act super kind and sweet and as though he has "changed". He is playing your good nature against you and using it as a weapon. ALL abusers do this, as do some narcissists. Don't fall for it. A normal reaction would have been an adilt conversation, not a guilt trip. He might continue to either pile on the charm or continue to guilt trip (or both). Do not fall for this. As soon as you're back under his control or close again in any which way all the old stuff is gonna start happening again. DO NOT feel bad and DO NOT take this man's actions are authentic. You got up and left after having sex. To him he sees strength in you doing that, amd that strength terrifies him. 1
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