What do I dooooooooo

[miamiflowers]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Lets be honest here, you kept his number in your phone for a reason....you want another chance with this guy since day one, and have no interest in anybody else, which means you are making yourself 100% available to him. He's thinking it was no accident you contacting him. BUT not one of you said anything about catching up. The Mexican stand off. Should have spoken up since you were the one contacting him. He's not going to waste anymore of his time with mundane chit chat so he bailed. Give it a week and see. Then approach with an invite. No answer? then you have your answer.

 

36 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

OP think about why you broke up in the first place.  He was not there for you in a time of need. This is a personality trait, he is not going to all of a sudden be a different person.  I suggest forgetting this one and start FRESH.

 

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you just have to realize he is not going to jump back in with both feet just because you showed up.  He's probably playing the game a little, not sure exactly.  As people do when there has been a breakup over an argument, a girl who doesn't' like to let guys in truly, and you were a surprise that you popped back up.  Also he could like or be dating someone.  I feel pretty good since you have a mutual friend that the information is closer to accurate but you never fully know--it's been a year.

Anyway, he's probably trying to play it cool a bit (assuming he likes you and would like to give things a chance).  Based on the way it ended you would probably have to be more of the initiator than he is.  You've also been back in Singapore (lovely place btw!) for a while & didn't get in touch--that would be confusing for him so he might not be sure of what you want.  You didn't even know you wanted it yourself until you were messaging (and perhaps because he wasn't clingy when you were).

My advice is to play the long game a bit more,  The breakup wasn't yesterday so getting back together won't be immediate either.  He's probably doing something similar if getting back together is an option for him.  Also your last message to him didn't require a reply so he's probably trying to act cool or his ego is involved or truly just life--he's not your boyfriend anymore, just some guy.  That doesn't mean I don't think he could be again.

I think he could😍

just keep the messaging going and eventually find a way to meet up😍

 

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

d0nnivain makes a good point.
Which one is it?
Single or reconciliation?

Nothing worse than dumpers reappearing and raking up old hurts and promising or hinting at reconciliation, then to change their minds leaving the dumpee hurt all over again.

 

Okay firstly you guys have been awesome!!!

Secondly, VITAL piece of info. Last year, when we broke up- I called him out for being AWOL for 10 days when things were s*** for me and in a haste broke up. About three days later, I missed him dearly so sent him a text apologising and telling him I missed him and I wanted to give a shot again. To which he sent a very cold reply about how he wanted all of this to just stop. Prior to that, we hadn't even had a misunderstanding or fight. I only found out MONTHS later that he had a major upset in his business which got him v v stressed & that he regretted not reconciling with me and letting me go etc.

 

Soooooooo, do you guys see why I feel a bit scared to double text him or just straight up be like, i just REAAALLLLY want to give us another shot?! 😿 hopeless romantic!

I feel worried about rejection round 2! Because the first time although wasn't dirty, it stung. I just learned to accept it and move on. But now, we live in the same city.. I would be so heart-broken again 😭😭😭  I think it's the same fear that stopped me from reaching out when I moved back to SG. 

[miamiflowers]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Not wanting to casually date is different then wanting him back.  But because you want him back, I respectfully refer you to JRabbit's post.  He wasn't there for you when your dad was sick.  Do you really want a guy who will abandon you in your time of need?  I had one of those.  They cause pain.  

You're right Donnivain! I did think about this... in my head, I justified it as he had his own s*** to deal with. Yes we're adults, yes we're meant to be there for each other.. but we're also flawed sometimes? But i absolutely agree with you... 😭😭😭😭😭

[d0nnivain]

So not only wasn't he there for you, he didn't share his own struggles with you.  This sounds like a guy who can't manage disappointment.   You may have had a good relationship until times got tough but once they did he withered.  

Do you really want more of that?  It's not the rejection now you should fear.  It's the inability to be a team

[miamiflowers]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

So not only wasn't he there for you, he didn't share his own struggles with you.  This sounds like a guy who can't manage disappointment.   You may have had a good relationship until times got tough but once they did he withered.  

Do you really want more of that?  It's not the rejection now you should fear.  It's the inability to be a team

Mhmmm some food for thought. Yes he didn't share his troubles with me. He was slightly intimidated by my success, in fact one of the things he told our mutual friends was that he felt like I was out of his league. Perhaps he was embarrassed?! Idkkk 

[Versacehottie]

4 minutes ago, miamiflowers said:

 

 

 

 

Okay firstly you guys have been awesome!!!

Secondly, VITAL piece of info. Last year, when we broke up- I called him out for being AWOL for 10 days when things were s*** for me and in a haste broke up. About three days later, I missed him dearly so sent him a text apologising and telling him I missed him and I wanted to give a shot again. To which he sent a very cold reply about how he wanted all of this to just stop. Prior to that, we hadn't even had a misunderstanding or fight. I only found out MONTHS later that he had a major upset in his business which got him v v stressed & that he regretted not reconciling with me and letting me go etc.

 

Soooooooo, do you guys see why I feel a bit scared to double text him or just straight up be like, i just REAAALLLLY want to give us another shot?! 😿 hopeless romantic!

I feel worried about rejection round 2! Because the first time although wasn't dirty, it stung. I just learned to accept it and move on. But now, we live in the same city.. I would be so heart-broken again 😭😭😭  I think it's the same fear that stopped me from reaching out when I moved back to SG. 

To me, you just got to treat these type of situations like scared animals who check each other out.  You've both been burned a little by each other.  So you approach cautiously and make sure that the interactions and positive, rewarding & show a good progression (and that you don't do the same "bad" things, like cut someone off, etc).  Show your growth & talk about it without referring to your situation with him.  It's less pressure-filled but gives him a chance to contemplate getting back together. He might need to sell himself on the idea--which isn't bad.  THat's just him being cautious & wanting to handle things right. Also he probably has a chip on his shoulder--people don't like to be jerked around and that could be his perception of last time.

Also he may be shell-shocked and slightly embarrassed about his business woes, so that will add to hesitance.  Just because you are a hopeless romantic (which i have nothing against) doesn't mean he is (lots of guys are not--well not in the same sense).  That you are back and back in communication with him is all a surprise to him--you have to let him wrap his head around the whole thing and communication to get back to normal, etc.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, miamiflowers said:

he sent a very cold reply about how he wanted all of this to just stop.

He knows what you are like and hasn't texted since the weekend. If he wanted anything to do with you, he would make it known.

[miamiflowers]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He knows what you are like and hasn't texted since the weekend. If he wanted anything to do with you, he would make it known.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

 

This is my fear too....... oh gosh 😭😭😭😭

[JRabbit]

There are a few red flags here OP. Not there when you need him, insecure about your success, currently not replying...your attraction may very well be because he seems unattainable right now.

What is the attraction really?

[Versacehottie]

8 minutes ago, miamiflowers said:

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

 

This is my fear too....... oh gosh 😭😭😭😭

eh, maybe, maybe not.  I'm guessing he could just have a chip on his shoulder from before.  It's possible that he is done with OP from just deciding they will never work OR that he is interested in someone else.  

But rather than focus on the fear of that (which you can't change), put your best foot forward, focusing on your connection and confidence.  You have nothing to lose and will only regret if you mishandle this because of your fear, your worries.

[Velvet teddy]

3 hours ago, miamiflowers said:

Yes i shall wait!!! i think this is realistic...

Trueeee, I did do the analysis ... I was just my usual self! He was his usual self too! Lots of jokes emojis etc! in fact my last message was a funny one too! Also we didn't hurt each other or be rude to each other when we broke up. Like my dad literally got diagnosed with cancer, i had to rush to be by his side, this guy went AWOL for 10 days- i called him out and told him if he can't be there for me when I actually need him then why do I even need a partner (I didnt say it like that, more like i expected you to be there for me etc) And thats how it ended. Very decent break up tbh. No bad blood. 

I'm soooo scared to get hurt. 

I know but i'm so scared of getting hurt! maybe it's a leo's pride 😔😩 Im terrified of being hurt :(( sorry i sound like a baby!!!

Why do you want him back then?

Someone who disappears on you while you're going through stuff.

Don't forget the reason why you broke it off in the first place.

Exes are exes for a reason!

Get your head out the clouds. 

Find someone else. 

Edited August 26, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[stillafool]

When you last saw him did he apologize for not being there for you when your Dad was ill?  Did he say anything about how he regrets it and if he had another chance he would do better?

If not, and he hasn't contacted you since then I would leave him alone because he doesn't seem interested and is involved with someone else.  Because if he was interested he would have asked to see you by now.

Edited August 26, 2020 by stillafool

[miamiflowers]

34 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

There are a few red flags here OP. Not there when you need him, insecure about your success, currently not replying...your attraction may very well be because he seems unattainable right now.

What is the attraction really?

I think i base it on how he was with me in person- so loving, so caring, so giving, so kind... he WAS a true gentleman. But maybe i am downplaying the red flags?!!! Maybe!?

[miamiflowers]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When you last saw him did he apologize for not being there for you when your Dad was ill?  Did he say anything about how he regrets it and if he had another chance he would do better?

If not, and he hasn't contacted you since then I would leave him alone because he doesn't seem interested and is involved with someone else.  Because if he was interested he would have asked to see you by now.

So when we ended things, I was in London- we didn't really meet face2face. 

We haven't met since we broke up.

He has initiated NO contact since we broke up

This accidental call was the precursor to this short-lived conversation

He hasnt apologised to me, neither have i... we're not at that stage at looking at our past at all...

Maybe he doesn't like me😿 Maybe he isn't interested 😿 My gut tells me he is, and his messages seemed like they were leading to something BUT the proof is in the pudding right?!! he would've continued conversation were he truly interested?!!

[miamiflowers]

33 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

Why do you want him back then?

Someone who disappears on you while you're going through stuff.

Don't forget the reason why you broke it off in the first place.

Exes are exes for a reason!

Get your head out the clouds. 

Find someone else. 

thank you... i guess you have a point

idk why I'm like this too, holding out hope for something like this 😭 but i guess i'll learn in time 😭😭😭😭😭

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, miamiflowers said:

 

He hasnt apologised to me

Maybe he doesn't like me😿 Maybe he isn't interested 😿 he would've continued conversation were he truly interested?!!

He doesn't owe you an apology. You dumped him. Yes, Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

[miamiflowers]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't owe you an apology. You dumped him. Yes, Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

I mean he did go AWOL without any sign of existence for almost two weeks when I was with my critically unwell father..... i think that warrants at least some remorse.., if he is not a total psychopath 😬

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, miamiflowers said:

Soooooooo, do you guys see why I feel a bit scared to double text him or just straight up be like, i just REAAALLLLY want to give us another shot?! 😿 hopeless romantic!

I feel worried about rejection round 2! Because the first time although wasn't dirty, it stung. I just learned to accept it and move on.

 

The only way you're going to figure out if he's willing to give it another shot is to ask. The rest of this is you playing mind games with yourself and/or trying to work up the courage and failing. You can't have a relationship, any relationship, without some risk of getting hurt.

If he doesn't respond after you ask directly, or says no, then you know.

[Mystery4u]

An ex is an ex for a reason. You broke up for a reason.

Don't get back with exes.

Sorry but all this stuff about he had issues with his business etc that's why he wasn't there for you is just.... Excuses. And a very poor one.

If you were not a priority in his life back then when you were actually dating, you certainly won't be now or in the future.

Drop him for good and find someone who actually appreciates you for you.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, miamiflowers said:

 if he is not a total psychopath 😬

Why did you ask around about him and call him after a year of being back? Did you recently break up with someone.?

[JRabbit]

2 hours ago, miamiflowers said:

I think i base it on how he was with me in person- so loving, so caring, so giving, so kind... he WAS a true gentleman. But maybe i am downplaying the red flags?!!! Maybe!?

Except his actions speak louder and abandoning you when you needed him does not make him caring, loving or kind.  You are totally ignoring his actions which upset you to the point of break up last time and merely remembering the good feelings of being wanted for a short period of time.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, miamiflowers said:

He has initiated NO contact since we broke up

I would let it gooooooooo

[Caauug]

LDR

-You in London, he's in Singapore.

-Your father has cancer, you are major stressed and reach out to him... He is trying to save his failing business and is AWOL. 

-He keeps his failing business from you

-You spit the dummy and break it off with him

-You move back to Singapore

-You call by accident and texts continue

-You are only interested dating him.

-He has not returned the last text so you can not text him again or it will be a double text..... WTF???

Maybe his business just doubled in size, maybe it's hit the skids again??? Maybe he is flat out trying to fill orders or fighting off a take over??? Who knows but why would you ever give up on a "Dream" because you didn't want to double text???

You dumped him because he was AWOL trying to save his business.... Ummmm…… This is part of the basic male instinct is to provide.... And you dumped him.... Did he have plans at that time to include you in his life that he would need to provide? He may not of told you... Only he knows, but if he cared for you at the time that is a YES! Now you want to do it all again to him? Why would he want a replay with you? Last time didn't work out very well for him.... There is a big difference between the dumper and the dumpee.

I'm just playing the devil's advocate.... If you really want to have a relationship with him you may have to spell it out to him and do your best to force it! What have you got to loose if you try and fail? A little dignity if he says no and likely a lot less than he suffered when you dumped him.  What will you loose if he slips between your fingers and is gone??? Better to have tried and failed then to never have tried...

You don't have to be a "Pick Me" for the whole relationship, but with history that you want to rekindle sometimes you have to nurture the flame..... No, just add petrol (gasoline) and tell him out right what you want!!!!

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I agree with Caauug.  As the dumper you have to be the one to make it clear you want to try again.  But just know the balance of “power” will never be what it was before.  You will be the one who is more invested and over time you may find the situation stressful.  Unless he also steps up to the plate and give equal effort.

I’ve been there, done that and it did not work out.  The innocence is lost...like I said it is never the same as what it was.  So if you are attached to what it was before. You may be disappointed.

 

 

 

[assertives]

Personally, I would leave this guy in the past. It seems to me that he wasn't interested back then and neither is he now. Who goes MIA on someone they are supposedly in love with? Particularly when you are facing a tough situation. Plus you guys were long distance, so keeping in contact takes alot less effort than say needing to make arrangements to meet in person etc.

I mean sure, he could have told your mutual friends how he regrets and what not, but his actions are not following. Now that he knows you are back, and that the communication lines have "accidentally" re-opened because of the accidental contact, he could have jumped at this opportunity to ask you out again or at least keep mundane conversations or even start a brand new one. But nope, he did none of the above. Doesn't sounds like he is really regretting not going for round 2 with you imo. 

[elaine567]

15 hours ago, Caauug said:

You dumped him because he was AWOL trying to save his business.... Ummmm…… This is part of the basic male instinct is to provide.... And you dumped him....

OK but she did not dump him because he was trying to save his business, she had no idea he was supposedly trying to save his business.
She dumped him because her father was ill and he was nowhere to be found for a whole 10 days. She needed support and he was not there for her..
She found out months later his business had hit a rough patch...
Seems like going AWOL is his thing...as he is doing it again