fr0sty Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 Ok so back story. My wife and I dated for 5 years before getting married. (got married on our 5 year anniversary.) for the first year of dating, our sex life was great. We didn't live together, so everytime we were together for the most part we had sex. After we moved in together, it drastically stopped to like once a week, then moving towards once every 3-4 weeks. (12-18 time a year) I proposed in October, and we started pre marrital counselling around January. After a few sessions and talking about sex with our counsellor, he suggested we be abstinent for the remaining 6 months until our marriage. She was all on board with it and I wasn't. Fast forward 4 months and she initiates to me to have sex and we do, then a few days later I try again and it ends in an argument. I propose for us to continue our abstinence until marriage. Fast forward some, We didn't have sex on our wedding night. We only did it once on the honey moon. MORE INFO - her past relationship before we started dating was an abusive one. Physically and emotionally. (rape, mental abuse, etc...) After a while of talking to her, she decided to go get her hormones checked and lab work. The only deficiency she had was vitamin D. Her Dr. reccomended she see a therapist for the past abuse as it could be why she is dissociating sex in our relationship. What i'm wondering is, how should I go about it? She gets anxiety every time I initiate, but times when she initiates, she is totally fine with having sex. Even when she does agree to have sex with me when I initiate, she seems a bit dissacotiated at first, but enjoys it towards the end. We have had alot of arguments about it lately. She gets alot of anxiety when I bring up sex, masturbation, or anything like that. She will start shaking her hands really fast and and start tapping her face and forehead. Should I completely just stop any advances or talks about ANYTHING sexual until she initiates a move? Should I wait and see how her therapy goes with her specialist? She's only been to one meeting so far and it was just an introductory phone call for an hour. Next session in sept. 8th. I love my wife, but I have needs too. I want the best for her and also want to meet my needs. Thank you for any responses, they are greatly appreciated. And if anyone has similiar experiences, or are therapist, I gladly welcome your input. I want the best for our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 Did anything occur between the first year and the later years of dating. What suddenly triggered the past trauma to cause an issue with sex between then and now? Why did you get married when the sex had already dried up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 1 hour ago, fr0sty said: She gets alot of anxiety when I bring up sex, masturbation, or anything like that. Stop doing that. You're winding her up and you know it. Just stop. Get divorced or understand what's going on. In fact once you lay back a bit and relax, she'll probably come around. How sexy is begging for sex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 She's also told me when I brought up the lack of sex and the things we did was that she was just trying to impress me and it was just puppy love. What am I to do? Above from your other thread.... Time to put the puppy outside for a play..... And lock the door behind her!!! As I see it, she's broken. She needs to get herself fixed for the past traumas. Until then seek someone else. This girl is not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 26, 2020 Share Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, fr0sty said: her past relationship before we started dating was an abusive one. Physically and emotionally. (rape, mental abuse, etc...) She gets alot of anxiety when I bring up sex, masturbation, or anything like that. She will start shaking her hands really fast and and start tapping her face and forehead. Speaking for myself, I would not marry this woman. I think it's important to recognize she has problems that are very much out of your paygrade to fix. Even if you WERE qualified, you would have to recuse yourself since you have a relationship. IMO this woman needs serious help before she will be over her past traumas sufficiently to have a more normal sex life. I'm not sure about this abstinence counselor, but for me such a suggestion would likely be the road to a marriage where my needs are NOT met. In other words, a pretty miserable one. Which seems to be exactly what's been happening to you. You seem to me to have volunteered to step into the line of fire of a bullet here. Edited August 26, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 28, 2020 Share Posted August 28, 2020 You married someone that has some deep seated issues with sex. Now she rarely has sex and it is causing you problems in your relationship. Honestly, it is unlikely she is going to become a 'sex kitten' overnight. You will either have to accept it as it is or move on - as painful as both of those choices are. Begging, pleading, pressuring, etc are likely to get you the opposite of what you want and lead to divorce any way. You are paying the penalty for another man's crime. It could be a life sentence if you let it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 31, 2020 Share Posted August 31, 2020 You were a fool to marry her. She has transferred the trauma to you. This isn’t the first time an victim of abuse has done this. There is a wife that could never have sex with her husband because of abuse she suffered. She ended up allowing her husband to have a relationship with another woman because she couldn’t bring herself to have sex with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 (edited) Have you tried using a passive way to initiate sex? Rather than physically initiating, try using a signal that tells her that you'd like to have sex that she can then choose to respond to - like turning on the closet light in your bedroom, or placing a certain mug on the bedside table etc. That way she may still feel she has some power over the situation because she's not giving in to sex (could be a trigger due to past abuse), she's actively agreeing to it on her own terms. Let her know that the signal is not a DEMAND, but a communication tool. It doesn't sound like she hates sex since she enjoys it when she initiates. It's possible that you physically initiating makes her feel like she lacks control over her body. Since the issues began when you moved in together, it's possible that not having any physical barriers she could control made her feel like she was losing some of her bodily autonomy. Definitely continue with the therapy. Does she get individual therapy as well? If power and control are an issue for her then working on it alone may be more beneficial in the initial stages. Edited September 1, 2020 by kismetkismet Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 1, 2020 Share Posted September 1, 2020 On 8/31/2020 at 3:12 AM, usa1ah said: She ended up allowing her husband to have a relationship with another woman because she couldn’t bring herself to have sex with him. Yes and he ended up leaving her for the other woman, maybe it would have been better and less traumatic for her, had they just split up and let her solve her issues on her own. She did meet someone else too. This was in essence a forced open marriage, it rarely works. She did not want to open up her marriage, she felt obliged to do so, so that her husband could have sex... Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes and he ended up leaving her for the other woman, maybe it would have been better and less traumatic for her, had they just split up and let her solve her issues on her own. She did meet someone else too. This was in essence a forced open marriage, it rarely works. She did not want to open up her marriage, she felt obliged to do so, so that her husband could have sex... WTF. This has nothing to do with what I said. It was an example of how bad things can turn out. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 On 8/27/2020 at 12:46 AM, fr0sty said: Even when she does agree to have sex with me when I initiate, she seems a bit dissacotiated at first, but enjoys it towards the end. e best for our marriage. This is not at all uncommon for women who's libido has dropped. Even sex therapists will suggest she makes a start on sex even if not in the mood and then the pleasure will follow as she gets started. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OrbitalKat Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 I"m sorry this happened to you. It happens very often, outside the problems your wife has with abuse and anxiety. Both men and women stop having sex after marriage for various issues. I have a friend whose husband completely stopped having sex with her 2 years after marriage, after a slowdown before that because he said he has zero T and diabetes and can't do anything about it. I also have a female friend who doesn't want to have sex with her husband because she's over 50 and says it hurts. Anyway, I don't know how old you are, but yes, you can continue with therapy just to make you feel you tried everything. However, from what I'm hearing, these situations never work out. I've never heard of any situation when such a marriage worked in the sense that sex returned in the bedroom. You only have three options. Stay and never have sex again in your lifetime (although you seem to be among the luckier ones and you do have sex more than zero times per year), cheat (which will likely lead to divorce) or divorce. You don't seem to have kids so I suggest try counseling/therapy until you are convinced in your heart that you tried everything and then get a divorce. You cannot fix the issues she has. Perhaps she can continue to work on it and/or meet one of the men who are not interested in sex. Contrary to popular belief there are plenty of them out there, almost in equal number with the women who don't want to have sex for whatever reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 3 hours ago, OrbitalKat said: However, from what I'm hearing, these situations never work out. I've never heard of any situation when such a marriage worked in the sense that sex returned in the bedroom. That is my impression too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 2, 2020 Share Posted September 2, 2020 My guess it would depend on the specific nature of/reason for the ending of sex. Many if not most of us are in a "sexless marriage" for at least several months due to childbirth, but I suspect that for many if not most marriages sex returns eventually. However in this case, this woman has a psychological issue + the initial period of frequent sex he described has now tapered off - a much different situation. My understanding is sex in a marriage generally slowly trends towards the habits of the more sexually conservative partner. The more "active" partner can ask for more, and sometimes get it. I'm certainly not above that myself. However if there is an issue of significant psychological trauma involved, I would question whether this is even a fair request to be making of her. Helping her recover from her trauma is the more important need and takes precedence (if you intend to stick with the marriage). Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 I've noticed a lot of women who have rape/trauma in their past gravitate toward men who are weak and passive. Men who are comfortable allowing them to almost completely run the show when it comes to sex. Which is totally understandable, given what they've experienced and the fact that a more aggressive male, even if his aggression conforms to healthier and more respectful boundaries, might bring back very uncomfortable memories. I'm not saying that your weak and passive at all, but that may be what she's really looking for. And is trying to train you for that role. Which you're understandably balking at because you have your own needs and desires you want fulfilled. There's no force on earth that could stop me from trying to initiate sex with my wife so I know where you're coming from. If you want to stay together one of you is probably going to have to bend. Either you to become more passive or her to overcome some of her past and get more comfortable with you being the aggressor. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 4 hours ago, gaius said: I've noticed a lot of women who have rape/trauma in their past gravitate toward men who are weak and passive. Men who are comfortable allowing them to almost completely run the show when it comes to sex. By "weak and passive" do you mean "gentle and understanding?" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts