Why would a mother not like her own child?

[Tree lover]

I’ve been thinking about my ex’s relationship with his mother a lot lately. I think she’s why he is a violent, mean, man.

i know she was very mean to him as a little boy. He told me a story once of how they went somewhere when he was little, and his brother got an ice cream and he didn’t. She laughed in his face about it. He had to do the dishes every night while his brother watched TV. Another story he had is, he had to walk home from school, while she picked his brother up every day.

 

as an adult, I’ve seen him make a comment about the weather, and then she fights with him over it. She’s called him pathetic in front of me. A bunch of other things.

 

why would a mother behave this way?

[d0nnivain]

mental illness?  

[Tree lover]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

mental illness?  

Hmm yeah, I guess that would explain it. But why one child?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

53 minutes ago, Tree lover said:

Hmm yeah, I guess that would explain it. But why one child?

Maybe that child triggers something specific in her from past trauma. My BIL screams, yells, and expects perfection from his son.  Treats his daughter totally different.  Stems from his own relationship with his father growing up.

[Wiseman2]

Never make excuses for a man who repeatedly beats you and puts you in the hospital and does jail time. You need to stay away from him and only have supervised visitation, stop running over and having sex with him.

No, his mother didn't "damage him". he chooses to beat you up because he's an abuser, not because 'mommy never got me ice cream". Get to therapy for your self and don't make excuses.

[Tree lover]

On 8/26/2020 at 12:06 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Never make excuses for a man who repeatedly beats you and puts you in the hospital and does jail time. You need to stay away from him and only have supervised visitation, stop running over and having sex with him.

No, his mother didn't "damage him". he chooses to beat you up because he's an abuser, not because 'mommy never got me ice cream". Get to therapy for your self and don't make excuses.

Again, we have only had sex once in six years. I do think he took his emotions out on me in our relationship, especially when I told him I was going on dates with other men (something I have detailed in other threads and don’t want to rehash here). Part of me wonders if I made him relive the feelings  of inadequacy he felt as a child.

Edited August 31, 2020 by Tree lover

[basil67]

What evidence/witnesses corroborate his story about his mother?

[DKT3]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What evidence/witnesses corroborate his story about his mother?

She has witnessed it.

 

I know sometimes the father of the child can trigger negative feelings.  I grew up with three brothers, the younger two were by the same man, the oldest by a different man who apparently had rejected the mother.  Growing up it was common to hear her say you're a piece of s*** just like you're father.  

[Wiseman2]

You're not responsible for the abuse he inflicted on you. Have you received any domestic violence counselling in all those times his aassaults put you in the hospital? 

[spiderowl]

This seems to happen sometimes, one child gets 'scapegoated' and blamed for everything and treated differently.  It is horrible for the child.  Any decent parent would realise they were biased and seek help for such an attitude.

While such treatment may well have an affect on a guy's ability to have a good relationship, it should never be an excuse to abuse a partner in any way.

If your partner is abusive, he should seek help and you should leave him until you are satisfied he can behave better.

 

Edited September 14, 2020 by spiderowl

[smuggy95]

Yup, narcissistic parents choose one 'golden child' and scapegoats the other. He was the scapegoat. 

But all decisions made as an adult are his own. Family sounds like trouble...

[gaius]

It could be many of the things already mentioned. Or maybe he was just a runt of a child and his mother sensed it. Not something that's discussed often but you occasionally run across a kid who just oozes loser from almost the day he's born. And like with mother dogs and their runts they aren't always treated fairly.

If he's turned into a violent abuser because he had to walk home from school and his brother didn't then he sure sounds like a born loser. The fact that he tolerates that kind of treatment from his mother as an adult shows exceptional weakness on his part. 

[elaine567]

On 8/26/2020 at 5:37 PM, Tree lover said:

I’ve been thinking about my ex’s relationship with his mother a lot lately. I think she’s why he is a violent, mean, man.

Maybe  he was a mean and violent child too...
Two sides to every story...

Quote

The pity play or attempt to appeal to the sympathy of others was also addressed in research conducted by the Minnesota Department of Corrections and The Hazelden Foundation (2002). There, researchers concluded that criminal thinkers most often attempt to control others by portraying themselves as a victim, turning to fear tactics only when the victim stance fails to get them what they want.
The act of eliciting pity from another unequivocally makes the elicitor something to be pitied, a victim, per se. It is human nature to aid the pitied. Hence, the pity play, or victim stance, stands to get the Sociopath what he or she wants easily and without being found out as a bad guy..
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/take-all-prisoners/200912/your-conscience-the-sociopaths-weapon-choice

Knowing this guy is a bad man, you choose to believe he is a victim and that his mother is the cause of his issues...
His "pity play" has worked...

[Atwood]

Tree Lover, the abuse you endured from him is not your fault. 

When you say "maybe I made him relive...", do you see how are you placing blame on yourself for the abuse he inflicted on you? You need to know that even if you did do that. Even if your actions made him feel rage, depression, sadness, or despair, there is 0% blame to be placed on you for him choosing to abuse you. He chose to abuse you. 

Survivors of abuse find it very easy to blame ourselves. Being abused makes you feel out of control. Being abused makes you feel like you have no agency, no ability to stop awful things happening to you and your body. When we place the blame on ourselves, we are saying "hey, I caused this which means I had the ability to stop it". In a weird way, convincing ourselves that it's our fault keep us in control, keeping us believing that we had any control over our bodies and the abuse and pain we have suffered. The truth is, it was out of your control. Someone else making the decision to abuse you is not something you can stop or change and that's just as scary as the notion that a meteor can randomly fall from the sky and crush us. When we say "if I just hadn't said or done things to make him relive it and abuse me", it's just the same as saying, "if I had just reached up my arms and caught the meteor before it crushed me, it wouldn't have done it". Illusion of control is born and we get to feel safer even though the damage has already been done. It helps us to pretend we can stop any more in the future. 

You need to know that rifling through all the external circumstances and excuses to find explanations is only your attempts to avoid addressing the fact that someone chose to abuse you because they wanted to abuse you, and that it was out of your control. It's a tough pill to swallow, and in some ways it makes us feel terrible because we want to believe they don't mean it. They don't really harbour those feelings towards us, because doesn't that suggest that maybe there's something wrong with us? There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing you did that made this your fault, and discovering childhood reasons and experiences that made him this way will not bring you the relief you seek. 

If you haven't already, please seek counselling/therapy. I don't know where I would have ended up without it, I promise it helps. 

Please take care, and I'm so very sorry for everything you have endured. 

 

[Pumaza]

Wow how can a kid ever be normal after such thing.The mom was abusive for sure on many levels. Poor kid.

Where was the dad?

The mom got issues and takes it on the child that looks like her the most or that looks like the dad if she had issues with him.

Its wrong. She shoulda seek help and not bother the kids with it.

Hope your ex gets help.And know he can heal and get a better life. Even if it means without the mother around.

[Ellener]

On 8/26/2020 at 11:50 AM, d0nnivain said:

mental illness?  

Rubbish! Mental illness doesn't cause cruelty. These stereotypes are grating. 

[Ellener]

@Tree lover

at the end of the day the man is an adult now and it doesn't matter what happened to him as a child in terms of justifying abusing you or anyone else. 

Sounds like you've been through some terrible abuse here, ending in hospitalisation; I'm sorry and hope you can find support to move on from this.

 

 

[major_merrick]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

Rubbish! Mental illness doesn't cause cruelty. These stereotypes are grating. 

Maybe not, but it can bring out the cruelty that lies underneath the surface of all of us.

I think there has to be recognition that an explanation is different from justification.  Knowing the guy's past explains his lack of control.  Doesn't mean his partner has to stay around and live with it.  

[Ellener]

1 minute ago, major_merrick said:

it can bring out the cruelty that lies underneath the surface of all of us.

I don't think most people are cruel. Some people do lack self-control or self-discipline, or enjoy the sense of power over others or gain gratification from abusing. 

It doesn't help that people have traditionally mocked or harmed children but called it disciplinary practice.

There's a book 'Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft which sheds some light on the topic. 

You are right there is no justification- for emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like his mother definitely suffered from mental illness, and narcissism can often be the cause of favouring one child and being abusive to another, (I speak from vast experience as the scapegoat child in a highly dysfunctional family of narcissists).  But, as so many above have stated, being abused as a child does not lead to being abusive, often the contrary in that the victim might go through life attracting abusive partners and friends simply because they have been groomed to take abuse, and also because they may become exceptionally empathetic as the result of being treated cruelly by the people who are supposed to protect them, which means they're less likely to see the abuse for what it is and instead keep forgiving and trying to fix. It sounds like he may suffer from repressed rage, so has great difficulty controlling his responses. It's not your problem, he needs a competent therapist who specialises in leading recovery from narcissistic abuse, (if that is in fact what his problem is). It's a long road, and a $hitty one, and takes enormous courage. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by MsJayne

[Pumaza]

Often i dont go back to read peoples old post.But someone said about being abused in the comments so i took a look.

Very sad what yoy went true with your ex.

But he is sick he needs help.He needs to seek help and be in jail for those stuff he did.

There is no reason for him to do stuff luke this. And take his childhood anger on you. Im glad you left and is finding your power back.

Did you ever call the police on him?

[Ellener]

Are you in a safe situation now @Tree lover?

[cbr600r]

If he grew up with abusive parents then it's no surprise he grew up to become an abuser.