I want to apologise to my ex's ex partner he cheated on with me.

[Oscar1993]

I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not so input is welcome. I have felt so guilty for a long long time. She was a lovely girl, but my abusive ex partner told lies and made her out to be horrendous, which is exactly what he’s done with me. I’m sure she’s moved on, it’s been a few years, but it’s something I think about a lot, even before I split with my ex. 

[JRabbit]

Apologize for what?

Nothing good will come of contact with anyone associated with your abusive ex.  Write a letter, then burn it.

[schlumpy]

I do see some value in this act of contrition for you. I'm not sure of it's reception or the outcome.

If she totally rejects your apology and reacts with hate, how will handle it? Will it damage you further or do you just consider that part of the price you pay?

Think carefully about it.

If you still want to do it, then get some very good stationary. Sending through texting will not have the impact that a real letter will.

You should accept full responsibility for your part in the affair. Do not blame your AP. Even if he lied to you, you had a responsibility to find out the truth. That you didn't look behind the lies is what you can apologize for. You might offer a one-time question and answer session if she desires. Make sure it's done in a public place.

Compose it on your favorite word processor. Be as real and sincere as possible and take your time writing it. Two weeks would not be too long. There may be things that occur to you later or you may think of better phrasing. I know that always happens to me.

Once you are satisfied it's the best you can do, copy it by hand onto the new stationary. Mail it registered and have her sign for it with a return acknowledgement.

It should be of some value that you tried in a small way to repair the damage you did but don't look for a pat on the back. This is something you are doing for yourself.

I do wish you the best and a better life ahead.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Oscar1993 said:

I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not so input is welcome. I have felt so guilty for a long long time. She was a lovely girl, but my abusive ex partner told lies and made her out to be horrendous, which is exactly what he’s done with me. I’m sure she’s moved on, it’s been a few years, but it’s something I think about a lot, even before I split with my ex. 

She most likely would rather forget about him and that past. Leave her be.

[stillafool]

Yeah put it behind  you because I'm sure she has.  Also do you really want to talk to her and regurgitate the past.  I'm sure she doesn't.  Just learn from this and move on.

[d0nnivain]

You can apologize if you like but use a passive method where she is not obligated to respond (private social media PM or DM) & don't expect her to care.  Don't go looking for personal contact info like her phone # or you will come across as a stalker.   

[smackie9]

I don't think she wants to be reminded about what happened. I would leave her alone.

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Oscar1993 said:

it’s been a few years,

leave her alone... this isn't about her. take this up with your higher power.

[FMW]

Contacting her after all this time and apologizing could actually be seen as selfish. You would be doing it to make yourself feel better while she probably would rather never think about it again.  It might be different if you had a relationship with her, but you didn't even know her.  It's unlikely she has any interest in how you feel about what happened.

Deal with your own guilt.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don’t do this. 

I doubt you have any malicious intent, but I don’t think she’ll appreciate you stirring up what is likely a painful memory for her. She’s probably left it in her past. 

Let her leave it there. Learn to manage your guilt without inserting yourself back into her life. 

[elaine567]

It can take 3-5 years to get over cheating and I doubt she will be pleased to be reminded of it.
Personally if it was me I would be telling you to f*ck right off and leave me alone and take your "guilt" and your "apology" with you...
Pardon my French.
I guess what you re looking for is a big b*tchfest about your ex, with this girl but she is likely going to blame you, not welcome you.

[ShyViolet]

This is a terrible idea. I'm sure it would only bring up bad feelings for her to be reminded of this bad thing that happened years ago.  I highly doubt that she would be happy to hear from you.  Just leave her alone.